Night two of this shit show, huh?! If you asked me where my life is going, I’d probably be required to say, “Straight to ABC!” because that is how much dedication it takes to be invested in this fucking Bachelor WORLD, ya know?

We’re in Peru for the fantasy suite dates, where he meets Kendall in the middle of absolutely nowhere.

Hope you don’t have to pee, babe.

They do tons of sand activities like ride a dune buggy and surf and eat a picnic, and it’s here I realize that the least ideal place for a picnic is a beach on the side of a mountain. Oh, sure, I wanted this finger sandwich to be covered in sand and I’d also like to be slowly slipping down an incline. That’d be perf!

Yet they seem to enjoy it, and quickly move on to the evening portion of the date. But Kendall is starting to get a little spooked, because honestly she just doesn’t think she’s ready to marry Arie, and the clock… oh how it is a-tickin’. She’s got like, 5 days to figure this out.

So they try to delve into their feelings a bit more, but they are talking SO GENERALLY that I honestly can’t even understand what they’re saying.

Literally one person says, “I feel like I can trust you with me,” and the other responds with, “I want you to have reassurance” and I swear on my life I keep yelling, “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??” to my TV. Like I truly don’t get what they’re saying to each other. (In all fairness, I woke up at 5:30 this morning AND went to pilates, so maybe my body and brain are just fried and I’ve lost the ability to process human language.)

But I’m definitely not crazy, because my friend Jordan then turns to Ciara and I and says, quite plainly, “Arie’s entire personality is a soft boner.” I mean, wow. If that isn’t a viral tweet I don’t know what is!

So the two of them head to the fantasy sweet because duh, he’s been waiting to bone Kendall for awhile now. But then the next morning Arie is looking all sorts of creepy at her and I hate it.

Ew. Stop that. He then asks her how she’s feeling “Emotionally, not physically,” as if he has a horse cock and she’s having to walk it off this morning.

I am horrified.

Lauren prepares for her fantasy suite date by applying lip gloss like a psychopath.

That wand is facing all sorts of crazy directions! Is that how you’re supposed to do it??

Anyway so for her date, they get into a prop plane.

Guys, where my loyal recap readers at? You know me! You know what I’m going to say. Sam Jarvis does not and WILL NOT get in a prop plane. You’re out of your god damn gourd if you think I’m getting into a machine that hurls you into the air by spinning a wand really fast. Ya right.

But they don’t die (somehow) and have a decent time up in the sky, except that Lauren is once again completely emotionless and quiet. Arie can tell something’s wrong, and later that night she explains that honestly she might leave.

He’s like WHAT because he’s super fucking in love with her, but she is just not about this TV show life, ya know? Also she has the most insane body I’ve ever seen, so I’m sure part of her reasoning is that she has never had to compete with another woman, EVER. (Look I know it’s not all about bodies, but I’m trying to motivate myself to keep going to pilates, okay? It’s SO HARD and I need to just stare at Lauren’s ab lines until I sign up for the next class. Le sigh.)

Anyway so Lauren is kind of scared about all of this, and while she’s explaining her thoughts and fears, Arie straight up looks like he is made of clay.

What’s going on there? Is that lighting? Is that Arie’s Madame Tussaud’s wax figure that they’re using for reshoots?

But then Arie tells her he loves her, TWICE, before she even says it back. She of course eventually says it back verrrry quietly.

So they go to the fantasy suite, and honestly my favorite part about these overnight dates is seeing the girls fresh faced in the morning! They’re all lookin’ great.

For Becca’s date they go on a catamaran and sail around for a bit, which would probably make me barfy. (Can you tell I’m not really an “acitivites” person?? Order me Thai food and let’s fire up the TV, brosefs!)

Becca asks him if he has any doubts about their relationship, and he is like nah! And she goes me neither! Yay! And I’m really feeling like she doesn’t know that Arie wants to put a baby in Lauren.

She also asks him how he pictures life after this journey, and I feel like at this point he should just say, “With a blonde.” No? That night, they eat dinner inside of what appears to be a bulb of garlic.

Inside said bulb of garlic, she tells him that the other day she was daydreaming, looking up at the clouds and realized she loved him. …You were daydreaming, looking up at the clouds?? HUH? Ya right, get real. Then I realized that they don’t have fucking phones there still, so maybe girl WAS just looking up at the clouds because there isn’t shit else to do.

Arie tells her he loves her back, and it feels very forced to me. But that night they go to the fantasy suite, and we get a cool glimpse at Arie’s socks.

Feels unnecessary, but ok.

The next morning, I am growing concerned for how happy Becca is. It’s feeling like heartbreak is right around the corner for her.

But we are SWITCHING GEARS!!!! Enough with this romantic date, we need CONFUSION and SOMEBODY’S EX! Literally out of god damn nowhere we are now watching footage that’s shot like The Blair Witch Project. Finally we get to find out who the fuck this southern fellow is that they’ve been teasing all god damn season.

That man, btw, is this guy:

That’s Ross, everybody! Becca’s ex! He’s come to win her back, because he didn’t know she was on the bachelor/didn’t know there was a proposal on the bachelor, and when he found out he was like oh FUCK someone can’t propose to my ex-girlfriend! So he flew all the way down to Peru to get his woman.

Based on the INSANELY happy mood Becca’s been in for weeks now, I think this guy’s in for a rude awakening. But he goes to talk to Arie first, because otherwise what are we paying the Bachelor producers for, ya know? Arie sits like an 8-year-old for this discussion.

So this dude talks to Arie and Arie is kind of like, what?? But he’s also getting heated and competitive and it’s turning into a real dick slinging contest.

Then fuckin’ Ross goes to talk to Becca, and she’s REAL surprised to see him.

YET she says that she “knew he was going to do this.” Seems like those are opposite emotions, but when your ex is standing there talking about The Notebook, thinking this is going to be the grand gesture that sets their life back on track, I get that there’s a lot going on.

In the end she basically is like boy, bye, and so he has to leave. It was a LOT less dramatic than I thought it was going to be, and now I realize that the ex plotline was all a big red herring! We THOUGHT that was the hot dramz, but now I know that it’s something between Lauren and Becca. HAS TO BE.

Oh, did I mention that Kendall goes home? Arie asks to talk to her AGAIN before the rose ceremony, and Lauren’s like-

But he sends Kendall home, because he just ain’t feelin’ it, and I don’t think she’s that upset about it. She’s smiling, actually.

I mean I know she’s sad, but she’ll be aight. She’ll get invited to Paradise.

So now we’re down to Becca and Lauren, and all I need to know is WHAT ARIE DID. Caroline knows! Bekah M. knows!! Why can’t I know yet?!

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