HOW BOUT THAT SUPER BOWL, HUH? THEY REALLY THREW THE FUCK OUT OF THAT BALL.
We left off in Bachelorland (Please God aka Chris Harrison, make that a theme park) at THE DINNER, with Taylor showing up after getting some weird healing shit done to her in the god damn swap, now ready to open a can of Diet Whoop Ass on Corinne.
The other girls POW WOW about it, and they are all sitting way too close together on the couch.
I cannot touch arms or thighs with someone sitting on a couch with me. The mere thought of it makes me aggressively crack open another beer to calm my nerves/fuel my growing alcoholism.
ANYWAY so Taylor wants to talk to Nick, and I really feel like he does not want to be here right now. It’s probably his “I don’t want to be here right now” body language that tipped me off.
Taylor keeps going on and on about how Corinne LIED TODAY. SHE LIED. SHE’S A LIAR! And it’s like, is she, girl? Maybe you didn’t call her “stupid,” but we all know what you were implying, and what you were implying was that bitch is stupid. But Taylor would need binoculars to see that from all the way up on her high horse, so she needs to talk to Nick right away.
She’s upset that Nick kicked her off just because he thought she was a bully, and who here is going to tell her it’s because he doesn’t like her? Me? Okay. Baby! He don’t like you!
At the rose ceremony, the girls find out that there will be no cocktail party. Gasp!
That means what you think it means: bye Jaimi, bye shark girl, bye Josephine. I’m honestly just shocked to find out that shark girl is 23. I would’ve put my 2017 Roth IRA contribution up to a bet that she was at least 33. Maybe 40.
But it’s time for Nick and his giant hairy leg to head to St. Thomas.
Upon arrival on the island, it becomes clear that Jasmine is starting to unravel. Rapidly. That ball of emotional yarn has juuuust started rolling down a hill, and I’m positive it’s going to only gain speed. She’s expecting the first one on one, and if I know producers like I think I know producers, she ain’t getting it.
Christina gets the date instead, and I find her absolutely adorable. You know why she’s a down ass bitch? Because she’s in a regular ass Target bathing suit, and I like that.
She’s doesn’t need a $300 monokini or some shit with forty criss-crosses. The Bachelor packing list said to bring a bathing suit and your old prom dress, simple as that.
Back at the hotel, a maid-type person named Lorna is hired by ABC to bring Corinne nachos. This is the campy shit I love about The Bachelor. Yes, sure, bring it on. Let’s give Corinne a nanny for the day while she drinks champagne and asks for a side of guac. Why the fuck not.
At dinner, Christina talks about her childhood, how she ate lipstick when she was hungry and left home at five to live in an orphanage for eight years before getting adopted by a family in America and uprooting her whole god damn life. Suddenly never getting a Playskool kitchen doesn’t sound like such a big deal, does it? Also, equally as important as learning more about Christina’s devastating upbringing, is the realization that Christina has AMAZING SKIN.
That poreless shitbag. I’m jealous, mostly because a dermatologist once looked at my face and said, “You have big pores!” to which I responded with, “Just chop that mole off and let me cry alone in my car, thank you. Do you validate?”
It’s time to find out who’s on the group date, and I see Jasmine’s name at the bottom before homegirl even reads it.
So, how does this work? Do the daytime handlers have a big meeting where they eat Chipotle and sip lattes (“Ew, Sam, what a fucking combo” –You guys, who have never lived), all dishing about which girl is losing their shit most intensely? I can just picture them in the business center of a Marriott going, “Okay yes, Jasmine is doubling her anxiety meds. Put her on the group date again,” while someone even more ruthless goes, “MAKE THEM CALL HER NAME LAST SO SHE HAS HOPE TIL THE END!!!” It’s amazing, really. I would thrive at that job.
The group date will be a chill beach day, which starts with them laughing at a pirate ship.
Um, newsflash. Pirates are a real thing and they are very dangerous and will murder you. Pirate ships are 87% why I avoid open water (10% can’t see the bottom, 3% floating Band-Aids).
Anyway so Nick is drinking like a fish and saying things like, “I feel like a drunk little baby dinosaur,” while he does his drunk little baby dinosaur impression:
More like a SEXY drunk little baby dinosaur, amiright? Everyone takes tequila shots, plays volleyball, and watches Corinne run around not giving a single fuck.
But suddenly all the girls get REALLY fucking pissed about the volleyball game. I’m not certain how everybody got worked way the fuck up but now they’re all in a SHIT MOOD.
Great, Nick. Your drunk ass dino moves brought everybody down. Don’t you know volleyball triggers insanity? You’ve never HEARD THAT BEFORE?!
But nobody is as lit as Jasmine, who literally cannot stop talking about how unfair life is and how she’s mad at Nick. All the other girls are listening but in that like, oh this bitch is crazy way.
Raven explains that, “If Jasmine were a vegetable she’d be a turnip, because she’s turnt all the way up.” UM, ZINGER!! I’m laughing out loud. She should take my job as a comedy writer (if I wasn’t prepared to fight to the god damn death for it).
Jasmine finally gets alone time with Nick after ALL the other girls have talked to him (“LOL keep making him grab everybody else” –Someone talking into a walkie that’s disguised as a coconut).
So of course Jasmine immediately yells at Nick. She can’t help it, she can’t bottle the crazy any longer. And Nick of course has the silliest response ever, which is, “Well how do you think our conversations have gone?” That’s code for NOT WELL, BABE.
But she is a woman on a mission. She is SEEING RED. He could be sitting there dressed like a giant hot dog and she’d probably continue her rant, occasionally touching his arm without realizing she’s just dipping her hand in ketchup.
She then CHOKES HIM! Playfully, but also not? She grits her teeth and repeats the word, “Chokey!!” while explaining that it’s all sexual?? His response is, “Okay…” because I think he is trying to figure out where the nearest crew guy is in case he needs some fucking help out of this.
She laughs and laughs like a CRAZY PERSON before rambling on about how he knows what she means, right? He doesn’t, Jasmine. He doesn’t know what any of this means. This is the weirdest shit that has ever happened to him in his life, and years into therapy he’ll still be sitting on a couch going, “What did she mean??????”
Anyway so he’s basically like look, I’m afraid now, you have to go. Baiiii.
It’s time for the surprise 2 on 1 date with Danielle L. and Whitney, and it seems like they probably got into an argument earlier about whose day it was to wear a romper.
It’s fine, guys! Everybody’s going to get completely naked to pee today.
He talks to Danielle and makes her confirm that their relationship peaked weeks ago, which seems like a not great way to start a date. Oh how romantic, you like me less now than before!
Also they literally don’t do anything on the 2 on 1 date except helicopter to a secluded beach so he can dump one of them. They don’t even go fishing. They just sit there while Nick axes Whitney. She’s not thrilled.
So Nick and Danielle fly on out of there and leave her in the fucking dust, except Nick hasn’t actually given his rose to Danielle. At dinner she keeps saying nice things to him about how dancing is totally their “thing,” and the whole time he just sits there AWFULLY QUIET.
It does not bode well for Danielle. But she presses on, saying she’s glad they’re on the same page about their relationship. Does this look the face of somebody who’s on the same page?
Right. No. She tells him she’s falling in love with him and I hear myself out loud say, “Mmm,” which is my way of expressing You Are About To Go Home And I’m Uncomfortable Watching It. He can’t give her the rose, so she leaves.
Annnnnd now it’s Nick’s turn to freak out. He comes into the girl’s hotel room, he sobs, he says that he might not want to do this anymore because what if he just doesn’t like these girls enough?!?! He is UPSET and it makes the girls UPSET and everyone is UPSET.
Tune in next week for what’s sure to be, “The most dramatic episode of the most dramatic season ever.” –Chris Harrison in a VO booth recording audio for this shit.
Or follow me on Twitter, where I write jokes that are short and poignant, sometimes.
Bonus footage, Nick’s muscly back: