The Bachelorette recap: “Let’s Go Meet The Lindsays!”

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Like me when I’ve got a Ticketmaster cart full of Beiber pit seats that is :27 from expiring, we are DOWN TO THE WIRE. We’ve got Eric, Peter and Bryan left, so I am settling in for a night of steamy fantasy suites. At least Raven “I’ve never had an orgasm” isn’t here. That shit was a DOWNER.

But Rachel explains that her sister is pregnant as shit, so instead of being separated and meeting her family when it’s down to two, all three of them are going to mosey on over to Casa Lindsay one by one and get that outta the way. I don’t hate it, because honestly the last thing I’d want to do the day after I bone someone for the first time is introduce them to my entire family. 🙂

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The Bachelorette recap: “What Does He Want Me To Call Him?”

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Welp, my house is filled to the rafters with zucchini noodles, so you know what that means: HOMETOWNS!! Guys, we’re down to the final four and if you aren’t stuffing your face with spiralized squash and Paul Newman’s Sockarooni sauce, ya ain’t doin’ hometowns right!!

Eric’s up first so Rachel is in Balitmore, and is Eric maybe attractive now? He isn’t in a suit that’s twelve sizes too large on him, so now it looks like he mysteriously grew 2 feet.

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The Bachelorette recap: “Challenging, Not Difficult”

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If I’m keeping it 100 right now, I literally cannot remember where these fucks are on a globe.

Norway? Denmark? It’s a been a pret-ty boozey two weeks since I last checked in with these noodles, so if I get any immediate details wrong please remember that I drank an entire bottle of champagne whilst floating around in a pool yesterday covered in SPF 50 from head to motherfucking toe, so I’m a lil cloudy.

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The Bachelorette recap: “Pillaging My Feelings And Raiding My Heart”

kenny crying

THIS SHIT IS ANOTHER TWO HOURS?! Jesus Christ, Chris Harrison. You crazy.

We last left Rachel on the 2 on 1 date, contemplating life while leaning on a very mossy tree.

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That tree’s fake, right? They for sure brought that shit in. I find it highly sus.

Meanwhile Kenny is screaming at Lee, and although they basically have to bleep every word out of his mouth for an entire minute, I’m pretty sure at one point he says, “I’m going to drag my dick across your grave,” which is honestly the best thing I’ve ever heard. (These are the types of visuals that I, as a writer, strive to create.)

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The Bachelorette recap: “I Hope They’re All In Speedos”

tickle guy doesn't dance well ellen

Boy, time flies when you’re just trying to get through each tiring, torturous day, doesn’t it? I’m kidding. (Am I?)

Last we left these noodles, DeMario was AT the mansion. He needed to talk to Rachel, and he needed to talk to her BAD!!!! So she walks up and he shakes her hand, which is both awkward and terrible.

DeMario comes clean about not being honest with her at the basketball court, and after a long ass conversation with his Uber driver (who I’m sure moments later deleted his app, burned his phone, put the ashes into an urn, flew them to the Serengeti and scattered them over a pile of giraffe shit), DeMario has realized he really fucked himself and his shot at love with Rachel.

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The Bachelorette Recap: “The Only Leg I Have To Stand On Are My Two Legs”

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Did you guys spend your Memorial Day poolside?! I went to Target.

It’s week two on the Bachelorette calendar, so we are officially IN IT! They immediately show Copper the dog STILL in a leg cast, and I’m pretty concerned/wondering when he is going to get it off. What if it’s like a human cast and he has to have it for twelve weeks and it’s the SAME twelve weeks as the show?? Ugh. I hope he isn’t in pain.

copper dog leg cast

A.N.Y.W.A.Y. Chris Harrison hands them their first date card, but also says he hopes everybody is here for the right reasons, because if some people aren’t he doesn’t get paid as much. (That might not be correct.)  Seems AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS that Chris says that out of the god damn blue. Makes me think someone ISN’T here for the right reasons DUN DUN DUNNN!!

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The Bachelorette Premiere: “Whaboom, son!”

bachelorette promo

And just like that, I’m back again. Like I’ve told all of my exes, “YOU CAN’T GET RID OF ME THAT EASILY!! MUAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!” as I disappear into a cloud of smoke.

I can’t tell you how absolutely TICKLED I am that The Bachelorette has started and my girl Rachel is getting her moment, so let us begin. Since we last saw her, Rachel’s been living in Dallas as an attorney, as evidenced by the fake footage of a trial where they literally make her say, “Objection!” into camera.

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We are all that judge.

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The Bachelorette Recap: “We Overcooked The Meatloaf”

jojocrying

Like any thrill ride with twists, turns and things moving too fast, eventually it all comes to a stop and when it does, you have to try not to barf.

Let’s start with the fact that Chris Harrison says fin-ahh-lee, as in, word that rhymes with Bali. You fancy, Mr. Harrison! My Chicago-born ass is sitting here pronouncing things like a god damn soccer mom, “Let’s check out a pep rally in an alley before watching the finale.”

chris harrison

Back in Thailand Jojo has found herself in “a bit of a predicament,” which is the understatement of the year. Aaron Rodgers’ brother shows up to meet her family and gets out of a weird car holding weird flowers.

jordan meet parents car

He is one of those guys who your parents think is charming, but your brothers know is a piece of shit. That is what is happening here, in Thailand, with the Fletchers. (In Thailand With The Fletchers is a new spin-off show I’m workshopping.)

jojos brothers

I’m not sure why but he gives them all silly hats that are straight up out of a Mr. Potato Head box, and then Jojo’s mother proceeds to tell him that Jojo has trust issues. Hold. Up. If the first thing out of my mom’s mouth was emotional baggage filled with dirty laundry (“Whoa Sam, that was really cool what you did there, with those phrases” –You guys) I’d be like CAN IT, MA. Damn.

jojos mom

He explains that he and Jojo are best friends, and then he holds hands with her mom, they start sobbing hysterically, and light a unity candle while burning sage in their underwear. None of that actually happens, except the hand holding part.

hold hands

Aaron Rodgers’ brother is feeling pret-ty good about himself and like every successful encounter he’s ever had with a woman, is thinking, “Nailed it!! Hit the locker room!” Except dude kind of sort of did NOT ask her father for her hand in marriage. Way to go, buddy. Way to fucking go.

There are two things that are important to Jojo: having a lot of eyelash extensions, and a man asking for her father’s blessing before he proposes. Aaron Rodgers’ brother really shit the bed on this one (which happens to be the name of his memoir).

It’s Robby’s turn to meet dem folks, and look at his skin tone:

robby meets parents

Very blush colored. Bright but still in the pastel family, which is Robby’s favorite family ever in the whole wide world, including Jojo’s.

Robby tells a story that starts with, “In Uruguay, atop a cliff before we jumped-“ and it’s like c’mon, Robby. It’s not like you paid for this fucking trip so no need to act like you really swept her off your feet with your Expedia itinerary.

Anyway he tells her fambo that he was the first to say I love you to Jojo, and her father and I agree this is not a fucking accomplishment. Here is her father’s face when he tells him that:

jojos dad

He then asks both her parents for her hand in marriage and says a LOT OF WORDS, and honestly where are this boy’s cue cards?? Does he have an earpiece in? Either he has this speech written in smudgy ink on his hand or he has a secret MFA in theater because dude is CRUSHING IT.

Jojo’s dad is honored that Robby will be in their family and I hear myself going, “He won’t be though,” because like my refrigerator that is currently on the fritz, I like to spoil things.

Robby leaves and now Jojo and her family talk about the guys she’s fucking and I just cannot imagine my family doing any of this. Getting camera ready and sitting on a couch going, “Well Sam, you have to follow your heart…” In NO WORLD would anyone I’m related to do that and I respect the hell out of them for it.

Jojo finds out that Aaron Rodgers’ brother DID NOT ASK FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE and it like, upsets her to her core.

jojoparents what

Her parents are basically like welp, Robby is the best, and Jojo gets actually pissed at them for it and starts throwing a teenage tempter tantrum, the theme of which is, “Oh OKAY so you’re all Team Robby then,” while she crosses her arms and won’t look any of them in the eye.

On Jojo and Robby’s final date he tells the weirdest story I have ever heard in my entire life. One day they’ll hear the pitter patter of little feet while cooking meatloaf but they’ll be laughing so much with their small children (that have identical hair bumps as Robby, I assume) that they’ll overcook the meatloaf but who cares because they’re happy and delivery pizza tastes better anyway? I’m like HUH???

robby jojo make out

At this point I’m very concerned for Robby because dude is like, TOO SURE about all of this. Also he gives her some photos he printed, so I guess we can all point blame at a certain CVS Photo Center employee who is clearly Reality Steve’s secret source for information.

Jojo’s date with Aaron Rodgers’ brother doesn’t seem to be going well, probably because girl starts playing the ultimate game of I’m Mad At You, Let’s See How Long It Takes You To Figure It Out. Obviously her first move is, “How was your conversation with my dad? Oh it was great? What did you talk about?” In the words of that thing from Star Wars, IT’S A TRAP!!!!

jojo mad at jordan

She is fucking mad and doesn’t understand how he doesn’t KNOW it will be them at the end and he’s kind of like uh, Robby? Remember Robby? He’s still here, right?

Speaking of the actual devil, before Robby picks out an engagement ring he brings us behind the curtain to witness how the fuck he gets his hair to look so insane. It is apparently a four step process, outlined below.

robby hair 1.JPGrobby hair step 2Robby hair step 3robby hair step 4

HA. Great. He then meets Neil Lane who says, “I’m Neil Lane,” to which Robby responds with, “I’m Robby Hayes.” Neil Lane doesn’t care about your last name, Robby!

He picks out a ring, it is very sparkly.

robby ring bachelorette

PS: what is Robby’s job? A job says a LOT about a person so it’s weird to me that besides once being a fucking swimmer, I have no idea what this fool does for a living.

Now Aaron Rodgers’ brother calls Jojo’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage because ya know, he done goofed earlier. He also writes her a letter that appears to have all of the words and makings of something I would not want to receive.

jordan notejordan ring bachelorette

And now, it’s time. THE TIME. Jojo of course had a moment of clarity when she woke up this morning, which is what they all say in a last-ditch effort to make you think this betch really was torn until the second she says goodbye to one of them even know WE ALL KNOW she is only in love with one guy and has been playing the other one like a fucking fiddle for the sake of amazing television (which, for the record, I appreciate).

Whoever gets out of the limo first is a goner and I think we can all agree that there is only one person in the entire country of Thailand that these socks could possibly belong to.

robby feet

Bye, Robby. He’s ready to propose, and I look over at my two beautiful friends Natalie and Jordan who are watching this with me and I realize that we are all holding our breaths, bracing for impact.

She dumps his ass and he is kind of like wait, what? Because see the magic of this show is they NEVER SEE IT COMING.

second he realizes

He rides home in the van wearing his seat belt all wrong, like somebody who has lost the will to live. It will get better, Robby! Don’t try to kill yourself in this weird production van!

seatbelt robby

And now, the part with all the love. Aaron Rodgers’ brother comes up to her and says a bunch of really great things that I hope someone says to me one day (NOT IN FRONT OF CAMERAS) and she is like I love you! So much! Yes! Yay! And they get engaged.

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I MEAN look at these happy motherfuckers:

cute cutesunset love

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE, we check back in with Chris Harrison who promises to stir up some Aaron Rodgers family drama so although it is getting late as fuck on the West Coast, I’m in.

Robby comes out and he is really not okay, which I get because girl made his heart explode into shrapnel like, two months ago. However I am not digging his checkered pocket square/tie/small lapel flower situation and I’ll say that on record. No need to transition from pastels to patterns, Robby. One of these days we’ll put you in a nice navy blue and see how ya do.

robby after final rose

He explains to Chris Harrison that he honestly thought he was the only man left in Thailand by the end of it. Yikes. She tells him her heart was always with Aaron Rodgers’ brother which again confirms what I said earlier about how they are always in love with the one person the whole time and the rest is just television trickery.

Robby asks if she ever wonders about what their lives would’ve been like and she is like, no? I mean he really truly thinks that it came down to the last straw, and she was in love with him. He KEEPS SAYING that she said she was in love with him and it’s like Robby, let me help you out here: she was not in love with you. She was in love with Aaron Rodgers’ brother.

robby jojo talk after final rose

Also someone went a BIT aggressive with her hair extensions. Whoa.

Anyway at some point in the night Robby leaves and now Chad is saying he was ALSO a marine, it wasn’t just Luke and Alex and I’m like say what now? Did I smoke too much weed tonight? Where is he going with this?

They bring Aaron Rogers’ brother out and he and Jojo are ADORABLE together because let’s be real, she WOULD marry an NFL player who she literally already has mutual friends with. Duh. Makes so much sense. Also he is the most fuckable person on the show so it was kind of a no brainer here.

jojo jordan after the final rose

They just want to go to Chipotle together, okay? They want to go to Chipotle and then move into their NEW HOUSE IN DALLAS. If you’re eating Chipotle all I can say is I hope the new digs have more than one bathroom (that was a poop joke).

Chris Harrison attempts to ask about Aaron Rodgers and their family shit storm and they are not having it, which is a total letdown.

We end on Chris Harrison plugging the new season of Bachelor in Paradise, which he describes has, “Truly a train wreck.” If I didn’t have this intense obligation to all you fuckers I would be like hey, I’ll watch that shit this weekend and really relax but obviously I can’t do that so please GET EXCITED for my Bachelor in Paradise recaps, as they will start tomorrow!

It should be good. Paradise is really where they let the hinges fall off.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here

I will also give you the option to follow me on Twitter.

Before we say goodbye to Aaron Rodgers’ brother forever, as a send off of sorts, let’s take a moment to appreciate the intense focus he has while doing his hair. He takes it VERY SERIOUSLY.

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Thank you, that is all.

 

The Bachelorette Recap: “Why Am I Crying?”

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Do you ever lie in bed and think man, I miss Chad. And Evan. And Grant. And Vinny. And even Canadian Daniel. No? K. Me neither.

We’re in Buenos Aires, and traveling is one of the funnest things for Jojo. Yes she says funnest and yes, I die a little inside. I want to believe she’s smart and she is absolutely ruining it.

Wells gets the one-on-one date and everybody seems really happy for him, until he says he and Jojo haven’t kissed yet and they all cock their heads to the side like dogs who just heard your weird cousin blow into his Weenie Whistle. They’re like HUH??

wells happy bachelorette

He gets ready for his date and proudly shows off his matching leather jacket and duffel, which he obviously bought as a set.

wells leather jacket bachelorette

Luke immediately asks Jojo and Wells if they’re going to kiss today. That Luke I tell ya, he low key stirs the pot. Just sneaks into the kitchen like a 6’ foot tall bowlegged Keebler elf and gives the wooden spoon a few turns.

The boys cannot stop talking about Wells and this kiss. One of them even says, “If it’s not the best kiss he’s ever given, he might be going home.” I am giving my television more side-eye than the strange toys Wells and Jojo play with on their date.

bachelorette side eye

They go to some sort of performance art place, where betches dance in a suspended pool made out of clear tarp and I’m starting to have flashbacks of the first time I ate mushrooms. It’s a kaleidoscope of terror.

water dancers

Meanwhile the rest of the dudes just chill in a sitting area like FUCKING LOSERS. Do a puzzle or something, guys! Don’t just mingle way too close to each other in fancy chairs.

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Wells and Jojo finally kiss, because LOOK AT JOJO’S BODY. You can’t not kiss that body.

jojo body bachelorette

After they kiss he immediately says, “You and I are probably different people,” which I know is the beginning of the end for ol’ Wells. At dinner she asks about his ex and he doesn’t really want to talk about it. LADIES, a PSA: any time a guy is weird about talking about their ex, you should be worried. It is NOT a good sign.

Jojo can’t give Wells the rose. Technically she CAN, but she says she can’t. This show is complicated, you know?

She cries, because girl is starting to realize that she is gonna have to dump a SHIT TON of dudes and it turns out dumping people is like, not that fun.

jojo crying bachelorette

Back at the hotel the guys seem SHOCKED that Wells doesn’t come back. Look at these nerds:

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A bunch of guys get the group date card, leaving Chase and Derek for the epic SECOND 2-on-1 of the season. They’re both pissed about it but I’m sitting on my couch with a belly full of seafood ready to get this shit poppin’.

On the group date somebody makes Alex stand the furthest away from the camera, which is not doing him any favors.

boys lines up bachelorette

They play a very-arranged pickup game of soccer with some locals, and James T. is just in awe of how perfect all these dudes are. Four perfect dudes and goofy ass James T.

The main thing to take from this is that the cinematographers at ABC may have worked on the Lord of the Rings movies, because they are doing some forced-perspective camera work that rivals hobbits eating at a table any day. Look how small these people look! It’s madness!

forced perspective bachelorette

Reminds me of the time Natalie and I posed for this beautiful photo:

forced perspective warner brothers

BUT I DIGRESS. Anyway is Jojo having the best day ever? I don’t know, you tell me.

jojo group date

At the cocktail party Luke and Jojo talk, and by talk I mean they make out like god damn crazy. It is fucking PASSIONATE. He’s pulling on her hair, she’s got her hand in his crotch.

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I’m uncomfortable watching and I’m pretty sure my boyfriend has a boner.

During his time, James T. talks shit about Aaron Roger’s brother and it’s got Jojo all sorts of concerned, because James is her little Labrador puppy who would never in a million years lie to her and just wants to be her best friend forever. Also he’d like some wet food, if you’ve got it.

She and James T. kiss and now I’m wondering how much making out she has to do with people she doesn’t like. What if you were on this show and had to just like, make out with whoever leaned into your face. Ugh.

Anyway Aaron Roger’s brother is like, fucking PISSED at James. He comes back from talking to Jojo and just sits and swirls his white wine in complete silence like a mental patient with a big secret. He is SWIRLING IT WITH PURPOSE.

jordan swirling winewhite wine jordan rogers bachelorette

Everybody’s basically like are you having a seizure, bro? What is happening? He does NOT like that James said he was acting entitled. He doesn’t even know what entitled means, okay? He honestly doesn’t and he keeps asking what entitled looks like, what entitled means. Somebody get this motherfucker a pocket dictionary.

Luke gets the rose because although she had to make out with James and listen to Aaron Roger’s brother word vomit the most bullshit string of sentences ever, girl is all about dat cowboy. When you wanna fuck someone, you wanna fuck someone, ya know? It’s just science.

On the 2-on-1 date Chase, Derek and Jojo learn how to salsa dance. My question is, why are they constantly painting in Jojo’s bikini bottoms when side vag is totally fine to air?

salsa dancer crotch

I mean, WOW. Wow.

Anyway Derek thinks their love is starting and I hear myself say, “Nooo it’s not,” as I shovel greek yogurt into my mouth. They dance, it’s awkward, and I’m starting to realize that Derek looks like a cartoon character.

derek bachelorette cartoon

He talks to her after dinner and guys, he is SO freakin’ lucky to be sitting there with her. He likes her so freakin’ much. Who would’ve thought a freakin’ guy like Derek would get the chance to freakin’ date a girl like freakin’ JOJO. If Derek doesn’t stop saying the word freakin’ I’m going to make Chad find out where he lives and pay him a visit. He has the ability to do that, guys. When this show ends…

Now Jojo talks to Chase, which is very similar to talking to a wall. A beige, boring ass wall. She doesn’t think he likes her and he responds with, “Oh.” He keeps saying he’s starting to have feelings for her and it’s like bro, Robby is already IN LOVE with this bitch. You’re BEHIND.

Chase gets the rose because if he didn’t it would have to go to Derek, and Derek is muy triste about it. So sad in fact, that he’s now referring to himself in the third person by saying, “Derek is imperfect.” It sounds to me like Derek is actually a robot and once he’s done crying he’s going to mumble, “Power off Derek,” as the light dims in his eyes.

derek sad

ALSO while he sits there and sobs an opera singer performs Don’t Cry For Me Argentina (that country has one song, apparently) and it is SO CRAZY. They keep cutting from Derek to this woman singing and I honestly don’t know how to describe it. My brow is furrowed and my mouth is wide open for what feels like several minutes.

At the final cocktail party before the rose ceremony (so many phrases in The Bachelor world), Jojo looks like a god damn J’Adore ad.

jojo blue dress bachelorette

She and Aaron Roger’s brother get their shit back on track, and Alex feels unimportant but still forces her to make out with him. He is honestly swimming in his clothes. He looks like the kid in Big when he walks home and his clothes keep getting baggier and baggier because he is turning back into a child.

alex short

It’s time for her to give out roses and I hear her and I say, in unison, “Robby,” followed by “Jordan.” (Question: Do I have psychic powers? Answer: No, psychic powers are not real.)

My prediction is that James T. will get the final rose because although she does not want to have sex with him, she really doesn’t want to have sex with Alex. Except she CAN’T give out the final rose, she literally can’t even. So she gives it to Chris Harrison and they live happily ever after.

jojo rose

Okay maybe they don’t. Plot twist! Now she has two roses. Man, does this show know how to throw a curveball or WHAT. Alex and James T. both get roses because she thinks she might want to marry both of them. See what I did there? Sarcasm.

james t happy rose

We leave on Alex’s salty ass rant about how he isn’t special and he wants to feel wanted. Honey, just take the free trip around the world, okay? ENJOY. IT.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here

Be a cutie pie and follow me on Twitter.

PS: What is going on with Alex’s hair this time?? TENDRILS?! Jesus Christ.

alex whispy hair

But WAIT! There’s MORE!! Bonus recap from one of my best friends:

luke is a vampire

There you have it, folks! See ya next week.

The Bachelorette Recap: “You Can’t Find This With Text Messages”

jojo sand

You know what they say, Chad me once shame on you, Chad me twice, shame on me.

We left off TWO WEEKS AGO with Chad scratching at the window like a god damn murderer. What they conveniently left out was that while this was happening the remaining guys were spreading his protein powder ashes all over the boring ass forests of Pennsylvania. Ya. I know.

Chad comes into the house and wants to talk, so they gather at the landing to hash it out even though I’m 99% positive this house has like, 20 sitting areas.

chad talk landing bachelorette

Aaron Roger’s brother wants an apology from Chad, which is neva-gonna-happen so instead Chad puts his precious QB throwing hand into a vice death grip while they try to shake it out. Thankfully his QB hand is not too important for his career nowadays. (“Burn!!” -you guys)

Evan decides to take a stand. He wants his ripped shirt money and it’s like dude GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. You don’t need Chad’s ripped shirt money! Just buy a new shirt! Or better yet, pretend you went through your closet and gave that dumb burgundy v-neck to Goodwill. Canadian Daniel just stands in the corner eating cereal, watching this shit go down like he’s a guest at mystery dinner theater: where the action is all around you!

daniel eating bachelorette

Chad’s out. He gone. See you at Bach in Paradise, babe. Alex returns triumphant, and the boyz are SO FUCKING HAPPY. Alex is seeing things from a whole new perspective tonight, literally.

alex short bachelorettesparklers bachelorette

Like any group of grown men, they celebrate with cakes and sparklers and I assume invisible party hats (“Mine’s got stripes on it!” –James T.)

At the pre-rose cocktail party, errbody is starting to tweak.

sad boys bachelorettewells bachelorette uruguay

We’re also at the point in the season where I’m audibly going, “Ugh” whenever she walks off with a guy I’m ready to see leave. There are quite a few that wouldn’t make my cut.

I don’t even know this guy’s name but I hear him say, “I wrote you a poem.” Yikes.

james f poem bachelorette

She talks with Luke, and it’s cute because girl is way into him. He has some good angles, but his hair is very tall. Jojo notices his tall hair.

luke bachelorette tall hairjojo notices tall hair luke

Now everyone’s talking about what made Chad wonderful and it’s like Jesus Christ, pick a lane!! Are you fucking KIDDING ME? You spent a month punching Chad’s voodoo doll in the dick and now you’re saying he brought all of you closer? I literally. Can’t. Even.

Evan’s in a tizzy (what else is new!!) because Luke is going to talk to Jojo again and Evan hasn’t gotten a turn yet. Evan SAYS he wants to talk to her, yet he is just standing with all his dude friends NOT talking to her so you tell me, DOES he want to talk to her? Simple reasoning says no. (I fucking killed the logic section of my SATs, guys. Really annihilated it. Is there a logic section of the SATs? Things to think about.)

Meanwhile, Aaron Roger’s brother is gettin’ some:

jordan jojo makeout bachelorette
jordan bachelorette hot

At the rose ceremony I’m kind of thinking to myself who DON’T I want to go home? Robby gets a rose, and here’s the thing about Robby. He ALWAYS looks like he’s heading to Easter brunch. Dude only dresses in pastel pink and yellows. It’s alarming.

robbie bachelorette rose

And Vinny is still getting roses, so we know there is a longggg way to go before some sucker gets down on one knee. Here’s Evan getting the final rose:

evan relieved bachelorette

Ugh. See? Ugh. Canadian Daniel gets kicked off and tells the boys to, “Take care, ey?” BYE DANIEL. He then talks to producers for his exit interview and says that if this were all about body he would stay, because he has a better body than Evan and Wells. Um, did you think this was all about body? WHY would it be all about body. For the record, his body is weird.

Jojo tells the rest of le brosefs that they are going somewhere exotic and if I remember her big drum roll to the Pennsylvania reveal correctly, I assume she is about to say, “Fort Lauderdale!!” But she doesn’t, they’re going to Uruguay. Is Grant excited? I can’t tell.

grant excited uruguay bachelorette

When they get to their hotel room in Uruguay somebody says they have a 360 degree view of the ocean, which just goes to show that we are watching dummies.

Aaron Roger’s brother gets the first one-on-one and the rest of them immediately turn on him. They think he’s just trying to get another stamp in his passport which is CRAZY because he JUST got another stamp in his passport like, that morning at customs. Also have you ever seen someone style their hair this aggressively?

jordan rogers primp hairjordan rogers primp hair 2

Such intensity in the eyes! I don’t like it.

He and Jojo go to Seal Island, which sounds a lot like Shark Food Island and my meh-level swimming skills would definitely not save me in that situation. No gracias, as they say.

Back at the hotel the guys suddenly have a copy of InTouch Weekly and Vinny’s cutting hair like this is the set of Barbershop 8: Loser White Guys. Like, is this real? ABC wants me to think Vinny just happened to have a NEW InTouch Weekly even though none of these guys have been allowed to turn on a TV or hold a cell phone for the past five weeks? The main article is Jojo’s ex-boyfriend dishing about how they were still talking and in love when she was on Ben’s season. Smells fishy, kids.

jojo intouch weekly

Meanwhile Aaron Roger’s brother and Jojo have dinner and  Jojo decides to confront him about some things. She met someone who dated him and it didn’t end well. This boy is SQUIRMING.

He explains that ya know, he didn’t cheat, he was just talking to and enjoying other girls when he shouldn’t have. I think that’s cheating? He and Jojo have a weird, deep conversation about their feelings and love and Jojo goes, “Do you ever think it’ll scare you so much it’ll make you pull away?” I want you guys to just picture, for a second, me saying that to a guy. They would be like WHAT, SAM? Are you talking to me or making yourself a voice-memo for your audiobook?

They get back from their date and these dudes have a lot of questions about the magazine and Jojo’s ex, who BTW is also named Chad. Let me remind you that this is the same Chad who sent her a creepy love letter during Ben’s season and the producers let her think it was from Ben until she FREAKED OUT about it.

jojo reads intouch bachelorettejojo bachelorette intouch cry

Upon being handed this article Jojo gets, in a word, hysterical. Like, hysterical in that way where you’re like oh fuck, she’s got some demons about this relationship. Something bad happened there. She explains things to the boys and they now officially hate all Chads of the world.

Little bonus Charlie’s Angels clip for you guys.

On the group date they go sand surfing and Brad is jealous of everyone, which is right on schedule for the guy who got the first one-on-one date ten billion years ago. Also I just realized his name is actually Derek, not Brad.

Derek gets the group date rose because he needs reassurance and it does NOT sit well with Alex. Alex is all pissed off and I want to tell Alex to get a fucking life. Also, let me take a moment to say I think I would be great on this show. I would never win, but I could totally be the “funny” girl in the house who gets kicked off six weeks in. I’d lose in love but I’d gain lifelong girlfriends. It’s honestly a sisterhood.

ANYWHO Robby gets the last one-on-one and things seem to be going pretty well.

jojo dog bachelorette date

Ha! I’m kidding, that’s not Robby! That’s a dog.

They go cliff diving and Robby looks like an 80s Ken doll from hell.

robbie date bachelorette

He loves her. Okay? He loves her. So he says it! Except now my boyfriend, who has been absolutely SILENT up until this point goes, “Little early, huh?” Yip.

Before the cocktail party Derek thinks some of the guys have a clique and he would like to tell them that they have a clique. It is very lame of him.

Also Grant next to this candelabra in his vest thing looks exactly like he is playing the part of Lumiére in the Broadway revival of Beauty and the Beast and someone wanted to interview him sitting next to his costume:

grant lumiere bachelorette

Chris Harrison lets these noodles know that there won’t be a cocktail party tonight, they’re headed straight to the rose ceremony and THREE people are leaving. I vote Grant, Evan, and Vinny. Jojo agrees with me.

Evan is sad. Vinny is sad. Everyone is sad.

evan sad bachelorettevinny sad bachelorette

Next week we’re in Buenos Aires, and Jojo is in some sort of AMAZING BLUE DRESS. Stay tuned.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.

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PS: what the fuck was going on with Alex’s hair here???????

alex bachelorette flat hair