Guys, we made it. The penultimate episode of The Bachelorette, where we get to FINALLY hear the intense opinions of boys who went home on night 3.
This shit kicks off by taking a look back at past Men Tell All memorable moments, and I’ll be the first to admit I NEVER saw the one where Ashley and JP got a god damn sonogram on TV. Like, wheeled the fucking machine out to see if they were having a boy or a girl. Have y’all never heard of cutting into a blue cake? What the fuck.
If I’m keeping it 100 right now, I literally cannot remember where these fucks are on a globe.
Norway? Denmark? It’s a been a pret-ty boozey two weeks since I last checked in with these noodles, so if I get any immediate details wrong please remember that I drank an entire bottle of champagne whilst floating around in a pool yesterday covered in SPF 50 from head to motherfucking toe, so I’m a lil cloudy.
Like any thrill ride with twists, turns and things moving too fast, eventually it all comes to a stop and when it does, you have to try not to barf.
Let’s start with the fact that Chris Harrison says fin-ahh-lee, as in, word that rhymes with Bali. You fancy, Mr. Harrison! My Chicago-born ass is sitting here pronouncing things like a god damn soccer mom, “Let’s check out a pep rally in an alley before watching the finale.”
Back in Thailand Jojo has found herself in “a bit of a predicament,” which is the understatement of the year. Aaron Rodgers’ brother shows up to meet her family and gets out of a weird car holding weird flowers.
He is one of those guys who your parents think is charming, but your brothers know is a piece of shit. That is what is happening here, in Thailand, with the Fletchers. (In Thailand With The Fletchers is a new spin-off show I’m workshopping.)
I’m not sure why but he gives them all silly hats that are straight up out of a Mr. Potato Head box, and then Jojo’s mother proceeds to tell him that Jojo has trust issues. Hold. Up. If the first thing out of my mom’s mouth was emotional baggage filled with dirty laundry (“Whoa Sam, that was really cool what you did there, with those phrases” –You guys) I’d be like CAN IT, MA. Damn.
He explains that he and Jojo are best friends, and then he holds hands with her mom, they start sobbing hysterically, and light a unity candle while burning sage in their underwear. None of that actually happens, except the hand holding part.
Aaron Rodgers’ brother is feeling pret-ty good about himself and like every successful encounter he’s ever had with a woman, is thinking, “Nailed it!! Hit the locker room!” Except dude kind of sort of did NOT ask her father for her hand in marriage. Way to go, buddy. Way to fucking go.
There are two things that are important to Jojo: having a lot of eyelash extensions, and a man asking for her father’s blessing before he proposes. Aaron Rodgers’ brother really shit the bed on this one (which happens to be the name of his memoir).
It’s Robby’s turn to meet dem folks, and look at his skin tone:
Very blush colored. Bright but still in the pastel family, which is Robby’s favorite family ever in the whole wide world, including Jojo’s.
Robby tells a story that starts with, “In Uruguay, atop a cliff before we jumped-“ and it’s like c’mon, Robby. It’s not like you paid for this fucking trip so no need to act like you really swept her off your feet with your Expedia itinerary.
Anyway he tells her fambo that he was the first to say I love you to Jojo, and her father and I agree this is not a fucking accomplishment. Here is her father’s face when he tells him that:
He then asks both her parents for her hand in marriage and says a LOT OF WORDS, and honestly where are this boy’s cue cards?? Does he have an earpiece in? Either he has this speech written in smudgy ink on his hand or he has a secret MFA in theater because dude is CRUSHING IT.
Jojo’s dad is honored that Robby will be in their family and I hear myself going, “He won’t be though,” because like my refrigerator that is currently on the fritz, I like to spoil things.
Robby leaves and now Jojo and her family talk about the guys she’s fucking and I just cannot imagine my family doing any of this. Getting camera ready and sitting on a couch going, “Well Sam, you have to follow your heart…” In NO WORLD would anyone I’m related to do that and I respect the hell out of them for it.
Jojo finds out that Aaron Rodgers’ brother DID NOT ASK FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE and it like, upsets her to her core.
Her parents are basically like welp, Robby is the best, and Jojo gets actually pissed at them for it and starts throwing a teenage tempter tantrum, the theme of which is, “Oh OKAY so you’re all Team Robby then,” while she crosses her arms and won’t look any of them in the eye.
On Jojo and Robby’s final date he tells the weirdest story I have ever heard in my entire life. One day they’ll hear the pitter patter of little feet while cooking meatloaf but they’ll be laughing so much with their small children (that have identical hair bumps as Robby, I assume) that they’ll overcook the meatloaf but who cares because they’re happy and delivery pizza tastes better anyway? I’m like HUH???
At this point I’m very concerned for Robby because dude is like, TOO SURE about all of this. Also he gives her some photos he printed, so I guess we can all point blame at a certain CVS Photo Center employee who is clearly Reality Steve’s secret source for information.
Jojo’s date with Aaron Rodgers’ brother doesn’t seem to be going well, probably because girl starts playing the ultimate game of I’m Mad At You, Let’s See How Long It Takes You To Figure It Out. Obviously her first move is, “How was your conversation with my dad? Oh it was great? What did you talk about?” In the words of that thing from Star Wars, IT’S A TRAP!!!!
She is fucking mad and doesn’t understand how he doesn’t KNOW it will be them at the end and he’s kind of like uh, Robby? Remember Robby? He’s still here, right?
Speaking of the actual devil, before Robby picks out an engagement ring he brings us behind the curtain to witness how the fuck he gets his hair to look so insane. It is apparently a four step process, outlined below.
HA. Great. He then meets Neil Lane who says, “I’m Neil Lane,” to which Robby responds with, “I’m Robby Hayes.” Neil Lane doesn’t care about your last name, Robby!
He picks out a ring, it is very sparkly.
PS: what is Robby’s job? A job says a LOT about a person so it’s weird to me that besides once being a fucking swimmer, I have no idea what this fool does for a living.
Now Aaron Rodgers’ brother calls Jojo’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage because ya know, he done goofed earlier. He also writes her a letter that appears to have all of the words and makings of something I would not want to receive.
And now, it’s time. THE TIME. Jojo of course had a moment of clarity when she woke up this morning, which is what they all say in a last-ditch effort to make you think this betch really was torn until the second she says goodbye to one of them even know WE ALL KNOW she is only in love with one guy and has been playing the other one like a fucking fiddle for the sake of amazing television (which, for the record, I appreciate).
Whoever gets out of the limo first is a goner and I think we can all agree that there is only one person in the entire country of Thailand that these socks could possibly belong to.
Bye, Robby. He’s ready to propose, and I look over at my two beautiful friends Natalie and Jordan who are watching this with me and I realize that we are all holding our breaths, bracing for impact.
She dumps his ass and he is kind of like wait, what? Because see the magic of this show is they NEVER SEE IT COMING.
He rides home in the van wearing his seat belt all wrong, like somebody who has lost the will to live. It will get better, Robby! Don’t try to kill yourself in this weird production van!
And now, the part with all the love. Aaron Rodgers’ brother comes up to her and says a bunch of really great things that I hope someone says to me one day (NOT IN FRONT OF CAMERAS) and she is like I love you! So much! Yes! Yay! And they get engaged.
I MEAN look at these happy motherfuckers:
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE, we check back in with Chris Harrison who promises to stir up some Aaron Rodgers family drama so although it is getting late as fuck on the West Coast, I’m in.
Robby comes out and he is really not okay, which I get because girl made his heart explode into shrapnel like, two months ago. However I am not digging his checkered pocket square/tie/small lapel flower situation and I’ll say that on record. No need to transition from pastels to patterns, Robby. One of these days we’ll put you in a nice navy blue and see how ya do.
He explains to Chris Harrison that he honestly thought he was the only man left in Thailand by the end of it. Yikes. She tells him her heart was always with Aaron Rodgers’ brother which again confirms what I said earlier about how they are always in love with the one person the whole time and the rest is just television trickery.
Robby asks if she ever wonders about what their lives would’ve been like and she is like, no? I mean he really truly thinks that it came down to the last straw, and she was in love with him. He KEEPS SAYING that she said she was in love with him and it’s like Robby, let me help you out here: she was not in love with you. She was in love with Aaron Rodgers’ brother.
Also someone went a BIT aggressive with her hair extensions. Whoa.
Anyway at some point in the night Robby leaves and now Chad is saying he was ALSO a marine, it wasn’t just Luke and Alex and I’m like say what now? Did I smoke too much weed tonight? Where is he going with this?
They bring Aaron Rogers’ brother out and he and Jojo are ADORABLE together because let’s be real, she WOULD marry an NFL player who she literally already has mutual friends with. Duh. Makes so much sense. Also he is the most fuckable person on the show so it was kind of a no brainer here.
They just want to go to Chipotle together, okay? They want to go to Chipotle and then move into their NEW HOUSE IN DALLAS. If you’re eating Chipotle all I can say is I hope the new digs have more than one bathroom (that was a poop joke).
Chris Harrison attempts to ask about Aaron Rodgers and their family shit storm and they are not having it, which is a total letdown.
We end on Chris Harrison plugging the new season of Bachelor in Paradise, which he describes has, “Truly a train wreck.” If I didn’t have this intense obligation to all you fuckers I would be like hey, I’ll watch that shit this weekend and really relax but obviously I can’t do that so please GET EXCITED for my Bachelor in Paradise recaps, as they will start tomorrow!
It should be good. Paradise is really where they let the hinges fall off.
Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.
I will also give you the option to follow me on Twitter.
Before we say goodbye to Aaron Rodgers’ brother forever, as a send off of sorts, let’s take a moment to appreciate the intense focus he has while doing his hair. He takes it VERY SERIOUSLY.
Thank you, that is all.
There’s been so much going on in the world lately that it’s important to gain some perspective and remember what really matters: grown men acting like little girls.
The Bachelorette’s Men Tell All kicks off with a producer yelling, “5, 4, 3, 2, 1…” as if this shit is live and everyone is scrambling around going, “Places, places!!” Spoiler alert, none of this is live. Nobody needs a countdown in their earpiece.
They of course open on Chad’s arrival, where he whistles like a sociopath while wearing an all black suit like he’s Johnny fucking Cash. They also give him a fictional movie trailer, which makes me actually laugh out loud because I know for a fact none of these dork noodles get trailers! MAYBE they get access to a craft services table. Maybe.
Chris Harrison gives us a sneak peak of Bachelor In Paradise, premiering next Tuesday on ABC.™ Here’s all you need to know about that:
Also they promise multiple proposals, so eat shit, Jade and Tanner!
Back in reality (where I am most comfortable), Chris introduces all of the men, including a bunch of people I forgot and one person I am positive I’ve never seen before in my entire life.
As Chris goes down the line to give everyone their 3 milliseconds of fame, Chase gets a HELL of an applause. Also, they introduce Luke after Chase. Um, guys? Chase was kicked off later than Luke. We all know that. You can’t go IN ORDER this entire time and then flip flop the two guys we remember mot vividly. I know you’re trying to tee up ol’ Luke for the Bachelor spot, but I’m pretty sure the crowd’s roaring reaction to Chase says it all.
They then recap the season, which can be summed up in one photo:
Or two:
Now we get into the MEAT of the drama. Chad and his deli snacks. Derek vs The Cool Kid Clique. I forgot everybody hated Alex, but they did. Wells goes in on him, saying that because Alex is a marine he has lived his entire adult life in conflict and doesn’t know how to be a normal person. Wells, Wells, Wells! Comin’ in with the zinger.
Randos start voicing their opinions too and it’s like guys, really? You were on the show for two days. Nobody cares what you thought about any of this shit. Thankfully the guy in the kilt doesn’t make a peep.
It’s time for Chad to come out, and every single guy there is freaking the fuck out. They are all scared as shit, like they’re about to do a seance and resurrect Satan himself.
Turns out it’s for good reason, because since filming Chad has fucked TWO of their ex-girlfriends, which just goes to show that he was NOT KIDDING when he spewed all that shit about how his crazy ass was NOT going to back down once the show did.
Chris Harrison is all, “So just to clarify, Hope is Robby’s ex-girlfriend and Jen is Grant’s ex-girlfriend?” Chad’s like YEP, and they dumped those broads the second a Bachelor producer got them on the horn. Then I fucked them.
Nick stands up and is ready to fight, which is such an empty threat I can’t even. Oh, you’re really undoing your cufflinks to fight him right now? Sit down, Santa. You’re embarrassing yourself.
They don’t fight, because Chad explains that if they DID, they would slip and fall in their dress shoes and it would look stupid. When he’s right, he’s right! Best excuse to get out of a fight, maybe ever.
Some of the other guys throw insults his way and he CLAPS BACK with, “Your pocket square doesn’t match your shirt.” Oooo, burn! Got ya, bitch. Classic matching diss.
Except now Chad says that Robby threatened to beat up his ex-girlfriend if she talked about their relationship to the press. Look I’m certainly not on Team Robby, not now not ever, but there is NO WAY Robby said he was going to BEAT HER UP. What was he gonna do, roll up his linen shirt, kick off his loafers and pound her face in? Doubt it.
Evan wants his wormy time on camera, so they talk about the infamous shirt ripping. Turns out Chris Harrison “pulled the tapes” from what I assume is the dusty old library where they keep all the footage of people sobbing in the backs of vans, so we are going to be able to watch it back and discuss. I personally think Evan was being aggressive/a little bitch, but I’m not the ref here.
Luke is in the hot seat, and I completely forgot that when he first met Jojo he rode in on a unicorn, so there’s that. He explains that after he went home he was having anxiety attacks a couple times a week and it’s like yeah, bro, I bet you were. That shit looked fucking traumatic. Here’s him watching back said trauma:
Chris Harrison keeps saying things to him like, “So you’re ready to find love again?” and it’s like we get it, you want him to be the next Bachelor. But if that applause meant anything, I’m thinking America wants Chase.
Chase talks to Chris next, and boi is looking pret-ty fucking good.
For as boring as I found him week after week, I’m starting to really get on the Chase bandwagon. Sure, he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, but it’s not like Ben Higgins was a fucking rocket scientist. (“Should that be my next career move?” -Ben)
Jojo finally comes out to face more ex-boyfriends than anyone should ever have in their lives, and here’s how Luke and Chase are feeling about seeing her:
James T. tells her that she’s better than all of the dating apps (LOL). Chad does the opposite of that, and tells her that Robby broke up with his ex to be on the show and Jordan is a fame whore whose own brother won’t speak to him. In my mind he then immediately made finger guns with both hands and mimed blowing them out. Jojo’s not thrilled about what he has to say.
Now Alex wants to know how Jojo feels about the way they broke up. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say she probably feels nothing.
Vinny’s mom shows up to do some kind of comedy bit about how great Vinny is, and it’s like honey, I don’t even recognize Vinny without his weird hairline so you’re going to need to slow down and then also point him out to me.
And put your belly button away, Derek. Gross.
Jojo talks to Luke and Chase, and it’s the classic Men Tell All-type shit where they really want closure but she seems like she really DGAF. In like, a nice way though.
We wrap up by watching a blooper reel where Jojo gets mauled by a wild dog.
Was that supposed to be funny?! Jesus Christ. Terrifying. Next week, Jojo is a hysterical mess! Do they fly Neil Lane to Thailand? I bet they do!!
Read the fantasy suite recap here. Or other ones here.
Or read my Twitter feed. It’s kind of silly.
PS, is this whole special just a round-up of suspected sex predators? More on that at eleven:
When life gives you lemons, you’re supposed to make lemonade. When Jojo’s life gives her lemons she sort of just, eats the lemons?
We left off last week with four dudes standing in an airplane hanger like chumps while Jojo sobbed hysterically on the tarmac. Luke just told her he loves her and now the other boys are like WHAT is happening.
In the most dramatic rose ceremony of the season (© Chris Harrison) she keeps Aaron Rodgers’ brother, Robby, and Chase. Talk. About. A head scratcher. I know none of my friends were into Luke, but I felt like my weird attraction to his clichés and tall hair is what bonded Jojo and I together for eternity.
Girl is like, UPSET and it’s leading me to believe that the producers forced her to kick him off so that America will love him enough to make him the next Bachelor. I don’t usually believe in conspiracy theories, but this is exactly like that time everybody said we landed on the moon and we didn’t.
Luke is shocked. So shocked, that I worry some of his unresolved PTSD is going to come back and haunt his every thought. This is the face of someone who’s going to need to go BACK to therapy for this shit:
He’s like, WHAT?? Meanwhile Jojo is literally snotting all over the tarmac with her deep, heavy sobs. I want to be like babe, you didn’t have to send him home? OR DID YOU?! Dun dun DUNNNN. (“Get a grip, Sam.” –Me to myself, almost every day)
The final three go to Thailand for what Jojo calls the “exotic overnight dates.” Is she fucking high? They’re called Fantasy Suites. How do you forget the token phrase of The Bachelor franchise (besides, “He has all the qualities I’m looking for in a husband, but…”).
Robby’s date is up first and they meet in a marketplace where I guess it’s humid as balls. He immediately goes, “And you thought Florida was hot!” Well, well, well, look who’s suddenly a comedian! This is how pleased Robby is with his joke:
I half expect him to go, “…Right?! ‘Cause it’s hot there too! Jojo? Are you listening?” Truthfully I know he won’t say that, because he only calls her Joelle these days, which is juuuuust creepy enough for me to think he’s going to cut off locks of her hair in her sleep and keep them in a Ziplock bag under his pillow forever.
Speaking of hair, look at his fucking hair:
I know it’s in the EXACT same place as it is every single time I look at it but honestly my anger for it is growing at a frighteningly rapid pace. (However if he’d like to share his teasing techniques, hit me up.)
They get pedicures (I think they were just massages but in my mind he got a fresh coat of OPI’s Lincoln Park After Dark) and walk around this marketplace while is absolutely POURS. I mean, it is raining SO HARD and I want you all to realize how intense it is to lug god damn EXPENSIVE ASS CAMERAS around in a monsoon. I can’t begin to imagine how many huge plastic bags are duct taped around them.
That night Robby brings a note from his dad to prove once and for all that Jojo can trust him. I would prefer that he brought a doctor’s note, as that is the worldwide currency for, “You have to believe me” but you can’t win ’em all.
Then SHE gives HIM a note and it’s like guys, we are nowhere near a classroom right now, you don’t have pass notes back and forth! You can just talk to each other’s faces. Anyway Robby grins and goes, “I will gladly forego my individual room” which makes me laugh out loud but also makes me cringe. This guy knows what’s about to go down:
She then sits in front of the camera and tells the world she loves Robby. UM, SAY WHAT NOW? She loves Robby? Like, loves loves Robby? Did she see that last week he only buttoned the bottom button of his shirt? Should we tell her that in case she didn’t notice??
Cut to the classic morning-after breakfast (“Morning-after breakfast? What’s that?” –Every girl in America) and they’ve got a fuckin’ spread.
Jojo is thrilled and says, “It’s our first breakfast together!” It is very alarming because she’s still talking like she actually does love Robby.
Aaron Rodgers’ brother’s date is next, and they’re going on a hike! He has a huge backpack on that I assume is just for holding all of his expensive hair oils.
They get to a temple where they can’t kiss, and then sit on a rock and enjoy the beautiful vistas.
Get it? I said vistas because they’re starting at a fucking rock.
At dinner, she needs to get to the tough questions. She asks him what the future looks like and his response is, “That’s a tough question to answer,” which let me tell you is the WRONG answer.
I can tell she’s starting to freak out because she goes, “That’s what Ben said!” and I immediately shout OOOH, GIRL!! I mean, damn, you’re bringin’ fucking B-Ball Higgins into this mess? She asks how he knows it’s forever and he lets out a big exhale, which I think translates to how hard do I have to work to get this fucking fantasy suite key?
Jojo loves him too, guys. She says so. Moments later, she patiently waits for the D.
The next morning she’s all giddy and says, “We’re eating our first breakfast together!” Bitch, you already said that. YESTERDAY MORNING. TO ROBBY. We get a final glimpse of their love with the obligatory walking-away-shot that producers of this show cream their pants over.
On Chase’s date, he kisses a fish.
Okay fine, they also have a beach day and it’s actually pretty romantic. Chase is opening up and although he is still pretty boring, there is vast improvement. He’s maybe even sexy and it’s like great, Chase. Way to really bring your A-game once she’s already fucked two other guys she’s in love with. That last ditch effort is what Aaron Rodgers’ brother would call a Hail Mary.
Before the evening part of their date, they keep showing Jojo and Chase in separate rooms staring into the distance so I know trouble is brewing. Sure enough, there is a knock on her door and fucking ROBBY shows up. Like, in the middle of her day with Chase.
Robby is a piece of shit. Who does that? I do NOT LIKE IT. He just wanted to say hi, because he is not man enough to just be confident. Aaron Rodgers’ brother may be a little douchey but you know what he’s not doing? Showing up to say hi.
I’m really worried about Chase. I have a soft spot in my heart for him after their fucking beach day, and I know it’s because this show has mind control serum in it and they’re toying with my emotions however they damn well please.
He is going to be so sad, so soon. But in Jojo’s defense, there is no amount of Xanax that could calm me from the panic of three men being in love with me at the same time. I’d be like, “WOW OKAY. I HAVE TO GO,” and would immediately pack my bags, move to Costa Rica and start going by the name Sofía.
In the fantasy suite he tells her he loves her and also tells her he’s never said I love you first. I am probably as sick to my stomach as Jojo is. Here is her face, which is all you need to know about how this night is going to go for him:
She needs to take a moment, so she sits outside and cries. I would sit out side and BARF. I would barf so much Thai food all over the place because this shit is looking stressful as FUCK right now. Here is Chase waiting for her to come back and smash his heart into one million pieces:
She comes back and says she didn’t feel how she wanted to feel when he said that, blah blah, and he is like, mad. He goes, “I get the point,” and stands up. Yes, Chase. Slay! Except then he goes, “So love means get the fuck out?” Eeee! This is some family divorce baggage rearing its ugly head.
A lot happens in a small amount of time, but basically she keeps shouting his name and he tells the cameras that what just happened to him was the emotional equivalent of pulling your pants down and getting kicked in the nuts. Eloquence has never been his strong suit.
At the rose ceremony, which is now just Robby and Aaron Rodgers’ brother, it is slightly awkward. They notice he’s not there and they’re both kind of stoked on it.
But then, suddenly, CHASE WALKS DOWN THE STEPS.
I thought his plane would be halfway over the Pacific by now. She goes to talk to him and the other boys are sweating, literally.
Chase says he’s proud of her, he’s impressed by her, he’s not mad. Let me just say if any guy I’ve ever broken up with came to me the NEXT DAY and said those things I would be like GREAT! That is fucking great. A real weight off my shoulders.
Robby and Aaron Rodgers’ brother obviously get the last two roses, and next week will meet her family. If anyone remembers Ben’s season, Jojo’s family was the one where the mom drank straight from a bottle and her brothers were huge assholes. I’m sure it’s all going to go VERY WELL.
More importantly the MEN TELL ALL is happening TONIGHT, and I can’t wait to see the whole gang! And yes, my little ducklings, I will be recapping it. This is my whole life now.
Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.
I am also hilarious on Twitter.
Now, who wore their dumb mode of transportation best?
I hope Jojo’s got a power bar hidden in her sweet tits, because girl is going to need ENERGY for these hometowns.
We start in Colorado with Chase, because Chase is boring so we need to get it out of the way. They drink hot cocoa on a blanket and this view is probably the most interesting thing about him so far all season. (“Thanks, mountains!” -Chase)
He tells her that his parents got divorced and that she’ll have to meet them separately because shit kind of hit the fan, and in response Jojo asks if the divorce was bad. Umm, yeah, Jojo. It was. That’s why you’re meeting them separately.
They chill with his dad, and we immediately learn that Chase’s house doesn’t have banisters.
I mean, that is not safe. My boozey ass would be spread eagle with a sprained ankle in NO TIME.
Jojo meets his mom, who is serving up former beauty queen/suburban MILF realness:
Because of divorce pain, Chase and his siblings can’t say I love you and they start a debate about how it’s just a word but it’s also MORE than a word. Honestly it’s a fucking downer.
Can’t we just reminisce about your weird sex yoga date and keep it moving??
In Aaron Rodger’s brother’s hometown, Jojo is on crack. Girl is SO excited that she scares all the deer in the area, which in turn scare her as they run scared. Now I’m scared.
They go to his high school and he pushes Jojo up against ANOTHER WALL to make out with her. He is literally obsessed with making out against walls. They kiss surrounded by YA novels and what I assume is at least one copy of It’s Perfectly Normal.
Jojo asks why nobody in his family talks to Aaron and he tells her that it doesn’t need to be a topic, which is bro code for can it, bitch.
At his parents house, ol’ Darla tells Jojo that Jordan is her Spicy Child and as she’s listing off adorably diabolical things he did as a youngster his father whispers, “He kicked his teacher,” so to answer your question YES, everything is totally fine and normal at the Rodgers house.
Jojo can’t take it any longer, she is going to bring up Aaron because he’s kiiiind of the reason this feather-haired motherfucker made it on the show, ya know? Here’s how his other brother handles the mention of He Who Shall Not Be Named:
They’re all hurt about it and now Jojo’s hurt about it. She defends her man by saying, “He is NOBODY’S BROTHER,” which is sweet but factually inaccurate.
At the end of the night she tells him that she’s crazy about him but also doesn’t believe that he wants to be with her forever. It’s his hair, guys. It just screams, “I FUCK A TON OF GIRLS.”
On Robby’s date he only has the bottom button done and it is freaking me out.
His best case scenario for today is that she tells him she loves him and I hear myself say to the television, “Not gonna happen.” Lofty dreams, you nautical sonofabitch.
They hang out in this historical Floridian town where apparently everyone dresses like pirates.
Fine, it is POSSIBLE they are in colonial garb.
Jojo grills him about his ex-girlfriend (you know, the one he dumped four days ago) and he assures her that it’s over, it’s done, he hasn’t thought about her ONCE. That is what we industry people like to call an oversell. You haven’t thought about her once? You are a fucking liar.
But it’s time to meet his parents! So they up and leave full drinks on the table. Who leaves FULL drinks?? What are you, a god damn billionaire? It is honestly alarming to order a drink and leave so much of it there.
Robby describes to his parents how close they were to fireworks on their date by saying, “Literally ashes falling in our eyes,” which sounds like my nightmare.
His mom then sits him down and tells him that there are rumors circulating the great US of A that Robby dumped his girlfriend Hope to be on the show. Ooooo, juicy!! If they pull out a second InTouch weekly of the season, I will die.
Now he’s gotta explain this shit to Jojo. Great. He says all the drama is just a flash in the pan and people are stirring things up, so now I’m thinking he’s not only communicating with the woman he loves but is also pitching a new show, Cooking Up Drama with Robby Hayes. I am positive the next thing out of his mouth will be, “Don’t bay leaf her. She belongs in the garbage disposal, you’re the Le Creuset of my heart.”
It’s time for her date with bowlegged Luke, and I just want to point out that he is bowlegged because as a child his bones literally grew around a horse’s body. That’s a real thing that happens to cowboys and it is blowing this city girl’s DOME RIGHT NOW.
Jojo thinks Luke’s silent confidence is a panty dropper and I’m not gonna argue with her. Sure, his face has some weird angles but I’m taking his quiet ass over Robby and his god damn boat shoes ANY DAY. (I’m sorry, Robby. I’m not sure why I hate you so much.)
She shows up to meet Luke’s family and he has neglected to mention that they scheduled this shindig on the same weekend as his family reunion.
LOOK HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE THERE. What the WHAT. But joke’s on me, everyone in Luke’s life is lovely and his parent’s 38-year marriage is a shining beacon of hope for us all (“Don’t say the word Hope!!” –Robby).
After she meets everybody they sit on a couch made out of hay.
I mean, that is ridiculous. It is absolutely insane to construct a hay couch with actual throw pillows on it.
Anyway he brings her to this… set up? How do you describe this?
The whole point is for him to say I love you and he says other things but not THE thing. She has his heart, okay? Isn’t that enough? (Spoiler alert: it’s not.) I’m watching them walk towards her car and if he doesn’t say I love you I’m going to break my TV, which is actually a projector so I would technically be breaking the drywall of my apartment.
The rose ceremony is on a tarmac that has been decorated with various old-timey boxes, and I really do wonder what the budget is on a show like this. How many flameless candles can you expense? Do they file receipts into a folder labeled rustic odds ‘n’ ends?
The four of them stand like mannequins fresh off the assembly line, and Jojo tells the producers that she needs to say goodbye to Luke. Um, exsqueeze me? I am so ready for M. Night Shyamalan to pop out of one of those decorative boxes like, “GOT YA AGAIN, SUCKAZ!! TWIST!”
Luke asks to talk to her and finally says he loves her. Ya know, the thing he forgot to say before.
Now girl is like, stressed. She walks down the tarmac (please don’t get your head chopped off by a landing plane, babe), and she’s having a full blown panic attack in a beautiful blue dress. And of course, it is To Be Continued…
We’ll find out next week if Jojo takes a shit on the tarmac. That’s what’s happening here, right?
Tune in next Monday for a TWO NIGHT EVENT™, where Chase’s ass get dumped and we sit down for the Men Tell All! Is Chad going to threaten Derek? Will Evan get a random nose bleed? How’s Wells been holding up? Can’t wait.
Read last week’s recap here. Or others here.
You can also follow me Twitter, oh em gee!!
BONUS PIC: Luke’s grandfather. Please love and cherish him as I do. Thank you.
who is sam jarvis 