The Bachelorette recap: “I Hope They’re All In Speedos”

tickle guy doesn't dance well ellen

Boy, time flies when you’re just trying to get through each tiring, torturous day, doesn’t it? I’m kidding. (Am I?)

Last we left these noodles, DeMario was AT the mansion. He needed to talk to Rachel, and he needed to talk to her BAD!!!! So she walks up and he shakes her hand, which is both awkward and terrible.

DeMario comes clean about not being honest with her at the basketball court, and after a long ass conversation with his Uber driver (who I’m sure moments later deleted his app, burned his phone, put the ashes into an urn, flew them to the Serengeti and scattered them over a pile of giraffe shit), DeMario has realized he really fucked himself and his shot at love with Rachel.

Right as she opens her mouth to respond I hear myself say, “She’s about to be too legit to quit,” and Jesus Christ if I am not the most spot on I’ve ever been in my LIFE.

rachel demario

Rachel fucking nails his ass to the god damn WALL, okay? She is like look, your story is cute, but I am trying to date a man and you are a scared little boy. She then (metaphorically) takes off the tiny lav mic that I’m sure is taped to the inside of her bra, and drops it.

In other news, Dean might’ve pulled the yawn move on Lee.

lee and dean bachelorette love.JPG

Now that she’s sent DeMario packing in an embarrassing fashion twice, it’s time for fucking Blake to continue panicking about Lucas. But joke’s on way-too-serious Blake, because Lucas tells Rachel that Blake stands over his bed at night eating bananas.

…Ya.

So she of course has to talk to Blake about it and he’s like GURL, not possible, I don’t eat carbs! It’s the weirdest conversation ever and I hate it. I want both of their dumb asses to go home.

And then at the rose ceremony, they DO go home! Along with… I forget who else. But Lucas and Blake are both FURIOUS at each other about all of this.

blake lucas fighting.JPG

They literally stand around calling each other pieces of shit and mocking each other, both holding water bottles while extremely angry.

blake water bottlelucas water bottle.JPG

Blake’s all, “YOU’RE THE WHABOOM CLOWN, I’M THE NICE GENTLEMAN,” and honestly I think that’s a better catchphrase than whaboom.

They finally both leave, and I can only hope that one day they’ll bond over this experience/the fact that Blake is evicting Lucas’ ex-girlfriend from his apartment or something. (Still very unclear about that.)

The first group date of the week is with Bryan, Jonathan (who?), Peter, Alex, Will and Fred. Will picks a bad sweater and a bad zip choice.

will's sweater

The boys go on Ellen, and Rachel tells Ellen about how Jonathan tickled her when he got out of the limo and Ellen immediately goes, “I don’t like that. I hate that.” It is perfect and SO TRUE. I get that you’re trying to be cute but do not touch me, buddy. No thank you.

The guys find out via Ellen’s interview that Rachel has kissed someone on the show already, and half the guys on this date smirk thinking she’s talking about them, and the other half are completely fucking DUMBFOUNDED that someone has kissed her! (Jonathan thinks maybe someone just kissed her on the cheek, so.)

The boys get on stage and of course have to dance, except Alex’s Russian ass is taking this way too seriously.

alex russian dancing.JPG

He does have a huge bod though, so go on with your printed-pants-self. Jonathan is a terrible dancer, but Sam Jarvis-fave Peter wasn’t even SHOWN dancing. (This, I suspect, is because although he is a personal trainer and has a great body, he is probably a piss poor dancer and as a clear front runner, ABC doesn’t want Bachelor Nation’s panties to go dry as soon as they see that hottie has zero groove. Just a theory, although it’s worth noting that I am always 100% right.)

Then they play Never Have I Ever, aka the best game ever behind Mall Madness, which could never be topped because that shit let you swipe CREDIT CARDS.

SO they play Never Have I Ever, and we learn a few key things here but the main one is that Alex has peed in the pool at the mansion. Wait until Chris Harrison hears about this! He will put his palms out and say, “What an incredible journey.”

Ellen then asks who here has kissed Rachel, and it throws errbody into a tizzy.

never have i ever ellen bachelorette.JPG

Later that night, every single one of the guys who hasn’t kissed her yet is shook as hell about it and therefore shoves their tongue down her throat the second they get the chance. Fred is one of these people, and I guess he’s been tripping for awhile now about how he finally has the chance to date his childhood crush from camp or some shit. But then he ASKS her if he can kiss her and I hear myself go UGHHH right as Rachel goes UGHHH, and I know he’s a goner.

So then, in front of all the guys, she PICKS UP THE ROSE, asks to speak to Fred, and promptly dumps him.

fred dumped

Look, I don’t blame her for not feeling it with Fred. But damn, girl, you’re going to bring the rose with you to mess with his head? That shit is brutal! Pure savage.

Anthony gets the one on one date, and they ride horses down Rodeo drive for no discernible reason besides the Bachelor producers are just like yeah, whatever! So they ride them but they’re CLEARLY ignoring the Do Not Walk sign, which concerns me very greatly even though I’m sure cars will see two giant horses in the crosswalk.

anthony horse ride rodeo

Their date is adorable, albeit boring, and all I really take away from it is that Anthony wears a size 13 or 14 shoe and that horses take giant green dumps.

green horse poop bachelorette

Back at the mansion, Eric is starting to unravel faster than their messy ass kitchen.

dirty kitchen.JPG

But it’s time for the second group date, which is Brady, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack and Eric. Brady’s hair is horrible.

brady hair bachelorette.JPG

Look I know he’s a male model, but that doesn’t mean he needs to look like Liam Payne at 40. They meet up with some of the girls from Nick’s season with Rachel, and of course Raven immediately asks Bryce and Lee who the worst match for Rachel is on the date and they BOTH say Eric. Ruh roh.

Now they prepare for some old fashioned mud wrestling, which looks less like mud and more like they will be fighting in authentic Bolognese.

mud wrestling bolognese

Or cat barf.

The boys wrestle while the girls sit in rain coats drinking champagne, and it’s basically a bachelorette party at this point (get it?! Bachelorette party?!?!).

rachel champagne.JPG

Kenny is whooping everyone’s ass, and the girls seem to be enjoying it greatly.

corinne bachelorettejasmine alexis bachelorette

Except all of this mud wrestling turns Kenny into that rock from Fantastic Four and I cannot stop laughing about it.

kenny mud wrestling LOL .JPG

Madness. By now of course Rachel has heard about Eric being not great for her, so she talks to him but then gives him a random ass roes he most certainly does NOT deserve.

At the rose ceremony Iggy is concerned about Rachel and Eric, and Lee is just drinking and starting shit, which doesn’t surprise me considering the slew of insanely racist and ignorant things he has tweeted in the past (Yikes with a capital Y!).

lee piece of shit bachelorette.JPG

Eric is now SCREAMING at all of them to KEEP HIS NAME OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS and I actually kind of feel him on this. Sure, he gives me the creeps and at 30 has never been in love, but that’s really none of fucking LEE’s business, is it?

eric screaming.JPG

Don’t sweat him, Eric. Lee’s a little shrimp who probably has a tiny fucking dick, ya know?

But through all of this drama, I think it’s important to remember that Rachel is having a MAJOR fashion moment right now.

racehl fashion moment long coat

Um, hi. Look at that long ass coat. DO I NEED A FLOOR LENGTH FANCY COAT?? This is the real conversation that is To Be Continued… next week.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here

Or follow me on Twitter if you still remember your login.

Bonus footage, Eric very confused:

eric confused

One thought on “The Bachelorette recap: “I Hope They’re All In Speedos”

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