The Bachelorette recap: “Pillaging My Feelings And Raiding My Heart”

kenny crying

THIS SHIT IS ANOTHER TWO HOURS?! Jesus Christ, Chris Harrison. You crazy.

We last left Rachel on the 2 on 1 date, contemplating life while leaning on a very mossy tree.

moss rachel tree.JPG

That tree’s fake, right? They for sure brought that shit in. I find it highly sus.

Meanwhile Kenny is screaming at Lee, and although they basically have to bleep every word out of his mouth for an entire minute, I’m pretty sure at one point he says, “I’m going to drag my dick across your grave,” which is honestly the best thing I’ve ever heard. (These are the types of visuals that I, as a writer, strive to create.)

Lee gets sent home, because YOU KNOW WHY. Kenny is thrilled, but before he can get into the helicopter he decides he just HAS to go back and say some more shit to him. It’s not a good look, and at this point I’m positive Rachel is going to up and leave them both and helicopter away.

rachel helicopter

But she doesn’t leave Kenny, and instead the two of them strand Lee at the water’s edge to die a slow death while chilling in an Adirondack chair.

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Rachel’s still kind of pissed at Kenny about all the drama, so she reflects on it at the site of her and Peter’s sexy as fuck hot tub hookup last night.

rachel hot tub reflection.JPG

Kenny eventually gets the rose, but he can’t stop sobbing every time he talks to his daughter on the phone. Like, snot everywhere, completely unhinged heaving.

I am 100% going to be like this as a parent, and I fear the day when my daughter tells me she can get her OWN Pizza Rolls thankyouverymuch and I’ll realize I am no longer needed.

For the rose ceremony, Rachel shows up in an old timey car and the men walk up holding tiny lanterns, because somebody on this show’s crew has stock in Cost Plus World Market.

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Josiah’s confidence is at an all time high, so he is definitely about to be sent home. Annnnny second now. Wait for it.

Also, smoke show Peter is looking like a god damn scarf model:

peter scarf model.JPG

And Anthony is mad jelly about it:

anthony bachelorette.JPG

But he has reason to be, because his ass gets sent home along with I’M SO CONFIDENT Josiah, who truly does not understand what is happening to him. I’ll tell you what’s happening, you ain’t going to Copenhagen! Baiiii.

Across the pond, Eric gets the first one on one, and I’d just like to say that I am very interested in going on a champagne table boat.

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Also, at one point they cheers and the producers add in a CLINK! sound effect even though they’re holding fucking plastic flutes. It is very stupid.

In other news, here is Rachel’s reaction to Eric saying he wants 10 KIDS:

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Ya. I’m with you, girl. Later they sit in front of cheeseburgers and talk about how Eric has never had love, not even from his mom. Rachel is touched by this, and so he gets the rose.

The group date the next day takes place on a Viking ship, because why the fuck not. So Rachel just gets to sit there shouting commands while Bryan, Peter, Dean, Alex, Adam, Mark and Kenny row their god damn asses off.

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Once they get to shore, they’re going to have to fight for her love, and I think it’s very clear who the breakout stars are here.

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Meanwhile Bryan and Peter are the PERFECT example of You vs. The Guy She Told You Not To Worry About.

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Memes, amiright?! So they all play these dumb Viking games, and Adam speaks for maybe the third time in the last month. It’s very exciting.

After several rounds of silly lawn play it’s down to Adam and Kenny, and we FINALLY get to the part of this show where Kenny is bleeding from his eyebrow. Turns out those knuckleheads BOTH hit themselves in the face with their own fucking shields. Sexy.

Kenny wins, and seems pret-ty damn proud of himself.

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Later that night Bryan and Rachel go off to talk, and he keeps saying corny shit about their maybe-future like, “Do you realize how it’s going to be?” Um, it’s probably going to be a lot of you farting in your sleep, if I’m being perfectly honest. The real world isn’t the meticulously decorated set you are currently sitting in, Bry Bry.

Also, why does he open his mouth SO MUCH when they kiss. I just can’t with his mouth.

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And let’s ease up on Rachel’s eyelash extensions, ABC.

Back at the hotel Will tells Eric that he has really only dated white girls, and I fear this is the beginning of the end for him. You know when you’re skateboarding (I don’t skateboard) and you juuuust start to get the speed wobbles? That’s Will. He might not wipe out just yet, but he’s going down eventually. It’s inevitable.

Now Rachel talks to Peter, and babygirl is one smitten kitten.

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YUM. So into it. But she’s still worried about Kenny and all the hysterical sobbing he’s been doing re: his daughter, so they sit down and literally have the nicest breakup I have ever seen in my god damn life.

He’s all, “I hope my daughter turns out like Rachel,” and she’s all, “Kenny is the nicest guy in the world,” and I’m all, what the FUCK? Why can’t normal breakups look like this instead of the, “Fine, you’re a slut anyway,” we’re always subjected to? (It’s an EXAMPLE.)

Peter gets the group date rose because he stood out in a way that she can’t explain, and I’ll explain it to you right now. He is a god damn FOX and she wants him to put a motherfucking RING ON IT, okay??

It’s time for Will’s one on one, so they get on a boat and float over to Sweden, where their date is both awkward and virtually silent.

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She then calls him out on national television and says that he barely holds her hand. It is very subtle shade and I am living for it. He won’t even hold her hand!! LOL.

Ironically, the majority of their dinner is spent discussing how passionate he is and how important physicality is in a relationship. She appears to be confused, but not as confused as I am about where in the actual fuck this dinner is taking place.

weird date location.JPG

“Oh my, look at this lovely GIANT Le Crouset we are sitting next to!” –Me on this date.

Rachel then asks him what types of girls he typically dates and I hear myself say, “Oh no,” out loud, because you and I both know what he’s going to say: white girls. And yep, he says that! She is kind of like, oh really??

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It’s the nail in the coffin for ol’ Will, because she sends his ass home in the pouring rain.

Also, for the record, I hope that this show is leaving lanterns behind in every city they venture to. It would be oddly poetic and strange.


At the rose ceremony the next night, Rachel is shook as hell for some reason, and keeps leaving to go cry. I think the pressure is starting to really get to her (“What do you know about PRESSURE?” –Lois Einhorn in Ace Ventura).

Anyway so she says goodbye to Russian Alex, and I think it’s for the best.

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Although I appreciated his wacky purple suits and whatnot, he was not the man she was going to marry, ya know? Sigh.

Read last night’s recap here. Or other ones here

Breaking news: You can also follow me on Twitter.

We’re guaranteed more tears next episode, so get pumped!

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