Guys, we made it. The penultimate episode of The Bachelorette, where we get to FINALLY hear the intense opinions of boys who went home on night 3.
This shit kicks off by taking a look back at past Men Tell All memorable moments, and I’ll be the first to admit I NEVER saw the one where Ashley and JP got a god damn sonogram on TV. Like, wheeled the fucking machine out to see if they were having a boy or a girl. Have y’all never heard of cutting into a blue cake? What the fuck.
Boy, time flies when you’re just trying to get through each tiring, torturous day, doesn’t it? I’m kidding. (Am I?)
Last we left these noodles, DeMario was AT the mansion. He needed to talk to Rachel, and he needed to talk to her BAD!!!! So she walks up and he shakes her hand, which is both awkward and terrible.
DeMario comes clean about not being honest with her at the basketball court, and after a long ass conversation with his Uber driver (who I’m sure moments later deleted his app, burned his phone, put the ashes into an urn, flew them to the Serengeti and scattered them over a pile of giraffe shit), DeMario has realized he really fucked himself and his shot at love with Rachel.
Did you guys spend your Memorial Day poolside?! I went to Target.
It’s week two on the Bachelorette calendar, so we are officially IN IT! They immediately show Copper the dog STILL in a leg cast, and I’m pretty concerned/wondering when he is going to get it off. What if it’s like a human cast and he has to have it for twelve weeks and it’s the SAME twelve weeks as the show?? Ugh. I hope he isn’t in pain.
A.N.Y.W.A.Y. Chris Harrison hands them their first date card, but also says he hopes everybody is here for the right reasons, because if some people aren’t he doesn’t get paid as much. (That might not be correct.) Seems AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS that Chris says that out of the god damn blue. Makes me think someone ISN’T here for the right reasons DUN DUN DUNNN!!
And just like that, I’m back again. Like I’ve told all of my exes, “YOU CAN’T GET RID OF ME THAT EASILY!! MUAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!” as I disappear into a cloud of smoke.
I can’t tell you how absolutely TICKLED I am that The Bachelorette has started and my girl Rachel is getting her moment, so let us begin. Since we last saw her, Rachel’s been living in Dallas as an attorney, as evidenced by the fake footage of a trial where they literally make her say, “Objection!” into camera.
We are all that judge.
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