Like me when I’ve got a Ticketmaster cart full of Beiber pit seats that is :27 from expiring, we are DOWN TO THE WIRE. We’ve got Eric, Peter and Bryan left, so I am settling in for a night of steamy fantasy suites. At least Raven “I’ve never had an orgasm” isn’t here. That shit was a DOWNER.

But Rachel explains that her sister is pregnant as shit, so instead of being separated and meeting her family when it’s down to two, all three of them are going to mosey on over to Casa Lindsay one by one and get that outta the way. I don’t hate it, because honestly the last thing I’d want to do the day after I bone someone for the first time is introduce them to my entire family. 🙂

Peter is up first, so he and Rachel start the day by shopping for baby clothes for Rachel’s sister Constance, who loves stripes. I’m trying to think if there is a pattern I “love.” Stars? Is that a pattern, slash am I fourteen?

Meanwhile Bryan’s got all the hot goss for Eric, and spills that during Peter’s last one on one he told Rachel that he might not be able to propose to her at the end, and that information has Eric feeling some kind of way.

Before Peter meets Rachel’s family he sits her down outside of their BEAUTIFUL HOME and tells her he’s falling in love with her. She says she’s falling in love with him too, and I feel myself get enraged at the idiocracy of this concept that is so uniquely BACHELOR NATION.

In what world is that not the same fucking thing as saying I love you? I know it is SO NOT THE SAME THING to these people but in real life if someone said, “I’m falling in love with you,” I’m pretty fucking sure that’s the same god damn thing. Am I crazy? YOU GUYS are crazy.

So Peter meets her family, and they’re all lovely except Rachel’s brother-in-law, who immediately asks Peter what Rachel’s flaws are.

It makes me giggle that Peter doesn’t have an answer, because he’s only gone to dinner with her like twice, so how the fuck would he know what’s wrong with her! And trust me, he WILL find out those flaws eventually. I’ll tell you what mine are right now. 1) I chew with my mouth open 2) I take selfies 3) I don’t like to snuggle in the mornings because it’s 5:58am and so help me god if you don’t give me those 2 minutes in silence I’ll be mad at you for the entirety of my coffee-making process. 4) I have anxiety in crowds/alone/whenevs, really and 5) There are fine lines developing on my forehead and I’m FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT.

BUT ANYWAY, Copper is here, guys. He’s okay, he’s out of his leg cast. Glorious day.

Back at the hotel Bryan is still stirring the pot like he’s god damn Strega Nona. He asks Peter if he got Rachel’s mom’s blessing for a proposal and Peter says NO! so vehemently that I wanna be like yo, way to show your hand!

Bryan says some weird overly confident thing back and it pisses Peter the hell off, even though honestly Peter might not like Rachel that much, I legit don’t even know.

It’s time for Eric to meet Rachel’s family, but before he does Rachel asks him if he’s ever met someone’s fambo before and he of course sites PROM as 1 of 2 of such happenings.

Let’s um, not reference prom in any situation where we’re discussing love/relationships/examples of maturity. Prom is where you take pulls from a plastic vodka bottle in between adjusting your corsage and throwing orange Tic Tacs in your mouth like your curfew depends on it (it does).

Anyway so Eric tells Rachel’s family that he has INDEED had a serious relationship and that it lasted 8 months.

Erm, say what now? Eric thinks that with time everything will get better between him and Rachel, and I’ll be the first to tell you that more often than not time makes relationships WORSE.

He also looks at her sister and goes, “I love her unconditionally. I’m not IN love with her, but…” And then you know what he does? Asks her mom for her blessing in marriage. Baby. Hun. Sugar. You have to be in love with the person you’re proposing to. I mean you don’t HAVE TO I suppose, but Jesus Christ. What is happening.

Now it’s Bryan’s turn, and he and Rachel start their day by meeting a couple of her friends for brunch. Rachel’s friends seem very nice, even though they are both having horrific windy hair days and I fucking feel them because if my hair was doing that during my ONE TIME on television I would be like god dammit, shoulda gone high pony.

So Bryan tells them he’s a chiropractic PHYSICIAN. Like honestly whispers the chiropractor part and screams the word physician. We get it, you’re sort of a doctor who may have gone to medical school and now cracks backs for a living. (Truthfully I’ve seen your Instagram, and I’m pretty sure your business model focuses on hocking weird fitness teas. Boom, ya roasted!)

Oh, also? Rachel tells her friends that when she first met Bryan she thought he was a douchebag. HA! It seems like NEWS TO HIM because he tries to laugh it off but I think it’s going in his fucking journal later.

So he meets her family, and their first impression of him is well, he’s a douchebag.

Her mom immediately goes IN, firing at will about his mom and how close they are and Mrs. Lindsay is not going to have her daughter marry someone that’s going to side with their MOM, okay? WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON, BRYAN??

Rachel is basically pissed as fuck at this point, because her sister ain’t buyin’ it either and when Constance confronts Bryan on it he eats shit even more by saying, “I love your family already,” which of course makes her point out that he’s known them for an hour and a half, and most of that time her mom was like, berating him, so pretty sure he does NOT already love her family.

It’s not going well.

But in the end I guess it works out okay, because he asks her mom for her blessing to propose and shit, and she says yes mostly because her daughter is a fucking lawyer and can probably make decisions for herself at this point. Also all of this is discussed in some sort of SOLARIUM.

Seems like that telescope is pointing the wrong direction.

Finally all this snoozy family shit is out of the way, so the gang travels to La Rioja, Spain where I’m hoping somebody gets a god damn fantasy suite so we can get this show on the road!

Unfortunately Peter is wearing a shit with a terrible camo pocket-

And wherever Bryan’s staying has a barren, sad bookshelf.

I’m kind of glad Eric’s up first so those two knuckleheads can get their shit together. (Perhaps Peter can take his shirt off, fold it, and put it on Bryan’s shelf. Two birds!)

Eric and Rachel fly over vistas on a helicopter and although it looks absolutely stunning, I’d be pukey as all hell.

They talk, they drink champagne, and then they ring a wish bell and honestly I do not think Eric’s wish is going to come true, guys.

Also they do this?

It makes me uncomfortable.

Eric finally tells her that he loves her, like he’s IN LOVE with her. Meanwhile I’m just sitting here enraged that they keep making her wear all that shitty costume jewelry.

Like, all season, they’ve made her wear these gross rings and chunky necklaces and I’m OVER IT. Give her the good stuff, ABC! You gave Bryan a fucking Breitling watch and you’re making your STAR wear something from Armani Exchange??

She offers him the fantasy suite and he of course takes it, but honestly it is NOT the sexiest suite I’ve ever seen.

Look at that table. That is not a luxurious, fancy ass fantasy suite table. That is just like, a kid’s craft table where you give them coloring books and a glass of milk.

It appears that the lackluster hotel room doesn’t matter though, because the next morning their sheets are all MESSED UP, and we know what that means.

You guessed it, a producer ruffled them just-so! But real talk yes, they probably boned, and Eric’s shirtless giant pec is here to solidify my theory.

For Peter’s date, they go to some kind of cave winery, which I am very into because if there is one thing I love more than wine, it’s stalactites. (They grow up from the ground, stalagmites grow from the ceiling. Nope! That’s wrong. I have that backwards.)

In the wine cave a Spanish man sings to them while Peter stands around eating cheese.

Looks like manchego, if I had to guess 100% accurately.

They are given their own wine cellar, and I’m not sure I knew wine cellars were actual CELLS, where the wine is imprisoned inside? Their personal cellar was monogrammed by, well, someone who went to Michael’s and got all the necessary supplies, I’d imagine.

They sit down and begin to talk about this whole teeny tiny microscopic issue of the fact that Peter doesn’t want to propose in a week and just wants to date her even though she is proposal or bust. But they can’t really talk about it, because an adorable child is here to whisk them away to stomp grapes.

Which obviously reminds me of the grape stomp lady, who is like a second mother to me.

Peter and Rachel then make out while standing in grapes and it is very, very steamy.

Their mouths are open, they’re going at it, and I think the thing I most appreciate is that his hand is on her ass.

Guys, you should do this. We like this. (You are welcome, the 1-3 guys who read this recap for the top notch SEX ADVICE.)

But later, these noodles run into problems. See, you’d think after the groping she’d be all horned up and they’d transition seamlessly into the fantasy suite so we can get a closer look at Peter’s many tats, but apparently they need to circle back to the boner-killer that is THEIR FUTURE.

Peter is not backing down on this shit, okay? He is like, NOT going to propose to this bitch, because he only wants to get down on one knee once (why tho?) and Rachel is not really backing down that she needs a proposal in like, ya know, 5 days.

She claims that they have different ideas of what a proposal is because he thinks it’s we are basically married whereas she thinks it’s we’ll get married sometime later whenever, and I have to say Peter is the one who’s sounding fucking right about this whole thing.

Annnd now she’s crying.

GREAT JOB, PETER. YOU’VE UPSET HER.

Anyway you guys get the point, shit is fucked, they might not make it, but we don’t get to find out anything because this shit is TO BE CONTINUED…

Next week is the Men Tell All, and if Iggy says even ONE TIME that he was being “protective of Rachel” I’m going to just turn the fucking TV off. Also I can’t wait to see Lee’s stupid face again! I missed being a huge fucking bitch to that guy on the internet, ya know?

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here. 

You can also follow me on Twitter but NO PRESSURE.

In two weeks we have the finale, which will apparently feature a Peter overnight, a Bryan overnight, and maybe a proposal. I find it slightly strange that we’re going to watch Rachel bone someone and get engaged to someone else in the same episode, but Constance and her baby had to go and ruin their whole TV schedule so what are you gonna do!!

Tune in to what I assume will be Bryan vs Peter, although I thought Eric was going home 7 weeks ago so what the fuck do I know! I recap the past, I don’t tell the future, folks!!

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