The Bachelorette Premiere: 10 Things To Note

May 29, 2018May 29, 2018Leave a comment

jordan bachelorette

Last night the world was graced with yet another Bachelorette premiere, full of pocket squares and extremely straight teeth. There was a LOT to take in, but I’ve whittled the evening down to ten important bullet points.

Stuntman Leo is a giant Johnny Galecki with long ass Tarzan hair. And he may have a great bod, but anyone who uses the hashtag #donttakelifetooseriously is a no for ya girl SJ.
Jean Blanc’s passion for fragrances and his one billion bottles of cologne have forced me to revisit every perfume I’ve worn over the last fifteen years and all of the repressed memories that come with them (Olivia’s 6th grade boat party when Jon broke my heart?! Lord.) They are, in order, Gap’s Dream (duh), Tommy Girl, J’Adore, Narcisco Rodriguez for Her, and currently… well that’s none of your fucking business.
Virgin smokeshow Colton used to date Aly Raisman. Ya. Seriously. The fuck??
Becca is NOT here for the guy who knows her from back home but never asked her out before she was famous. I don’t know why she wouldn’t give him a second chance, it’s not like he told her fifty times that he only met her once even though they’ve meet MULTIPLE TIMES… Really driving her point home here, buddy.
Not a single person has been able to explain Chris’s hairline to me.
I would NOT pay $22,000 for Becca’s gown, okurr? That is fucking crazytown and honestly the beads make it look kinda scratchy.
Socks aren’t cool anymore, guys. It’s just a fact. If you show up to ANY of the weddings I’m sure you’re attending this summer in dress socks, kiss your title as Style Icon – Male to the god damn CURB. Socks aren’t cool. Hem the pants short. Show us that ankle hair we so desperately crave??
Chicago grocer Joe will be on SOME type of spinoff show, no? The internet blew the fuck up last night over his leaving, but I have to assume he said or did some really weird shit to get kicked off so fast. She kept SO many hard 6s and yet he was out! Like honestly, he must have really shit the bed.
“Male model” Jordan isn’t the villainous hero America needs, but he’s the villainous hero America deserves. I look forward to MANY-A-SOUNDBITE from that fashion forward sonofabitch. Also he looks like he’s made of clay.
Garrett, who showed up in a minivan, taught her how to fish, and got the first impression rose, is a huge piece of shit. I don’t know how many of you saw this article, but Garrett is a HARD PASS for me, dawg. Joking about feminists, trans people, immigrants, and teen victims of gun violence, while I’m sure is hilarious to you and your trash friends, is not really my VIBE, ya know? It’s also definitely not Becca’s vibe. It’s 2018, bro. Grow the fuck up.

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The Bachelorette Recap: “We Overcooked The Meatloaf”

August 2, 2016August 2, 20161 Comment

Like any thrill ride with twists, turns and things moving too fast, eventually it all comes to a stop and when it does, you have to try not to barf.

Let’s start with the fact that Chris Harrison says fin-ahh-lee, as in, word that rhymes with Bali. You fancy, Mr. Harrison! My Chicago-born ass is sitting here pronouncing things like a god damn soccer mom, “Let’s check out a pep rally in an alley before watching the finale.”

Back in Thailand Jojo has found herself in “a bit of a predicament,” which is the understatement of the year. Aaron Rodgers’ brother shows up to meet her family and gets out of a weird car holding weird flowers.

He is one of those guys who your parents think is charming, but your brothers know is a piece of shit. That is what is happening here, in Thailand, with the Fletchers. (In Thailand With The Fletchers is a new spin-off show I’m workshopping.)

I’m not sure why but he gives them all silly hats that are straight up out of a Mr. Potato Head box, and then Jojo’s mother proceeds to tell him that Jojo has trust issues. Hold. Up. If the first thing out of my mom’s mouth was emotional baggage filled with dirty laundry (“Whoa Sam, that was really cool what you did there, with those phrases” –You guys) I’d be like CAN IT, MA. Damn.

He explains that he and Jojo are best friends, and then he holds hands with her mom, they start sobbing hysterically, and light a unity candle while burning sage in their underwear. None of that actually happens, except the hand holding part.

Aaron Rodgers’ brother is feeling pret-ty good about himself and like every successful encounter he’s ever had with a woman, is thinking, “Nailed it!! Hit the locker room!” Except dude kind of sort of did NOT ask her father for her hand in marriage. Way to go, buddy. Way to fucking go.

There are two things that are important to Jojo: having a lot of eyelash extensions, and a man asking for her father’s blessing before he proposes. Aaron Rodgers’ brother really shit the bed on this one (which happens to be the name of his memoir).

It’s Robby’s turn to meet dem folks, and look at his skin tone:

Very blush colored. Bright but still in the pastel family, which is Robby’s favorite family ever in the whole wide world, including Jojo’s.

Robby tells a story that starts with, “In Uruguay, atop a cliff before we jumped-“ and it’s like c’mon, Robby. It’s not like you paid for this fucking trip so no need to act like you really swept her off your feet with your Expedia itinerary.

Anyway he tells her fambo that he was the first to say I love you to Jojo, and her father and I agree this is not a fucking accomplishment. Here is her father’s face when he tells him that:

He then asks both her parents for her hand in marriage and says a LOT OF WORDS, and honestly where are this boy’s cue cards?? Does he have an earpiece in? Either he has this speech written in smudgy ink on his hand or he has a secret MFA in theater because dude is CRUSHING IT.

Jojo’s dad is honored that Robby will be in their family and I hear myself going, “He won’t be though,” because like my refrigerator that is currently on the fritz, I like to spoil things.

Robby leaves and now Jojo and her family talk about the guys she’s fucking and I just cannot imagine my family doing any of this. Getting camera ready and sitting on a couch going, “Well Sam, you have to follow your heart…” In NO WORLD would anyone I’m related to do that and I respect the hell out of them for it.

Jojo finds out that Aaron Rodgers’ brother DID NOT ASK FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE and it like, upsets her to her core.

Her parents are basically like welp, Robby is the best, and Jojo gets actually pissed at them for it and starts throwing a teenage tempter tantrum, the theme of which is, “Oh OKAY so you’re all Team Robby then,” while she crosses her arms and won’t look any of them in the eye.

On Jojo and Robby’s final date he tells the weirdest story I have ever heard in my entire life. One day they’ll hear the pitter patter of little feet while cooking meatloaf but they’ll be laughing so much with their small children (that have identical hair bumps as Robby, I assume) that they’ll overcook the meatloaf but who cares because they’re happy and delivery pizza tastes better anyway? I’m like HUH???

At this point I’m very concerned for Robby because dude is like, TOO SURE about all of this. Also he gives her some photos he printed, so I guess we can all point blame at a certain CVS Photo Center employee who is clearly Reality Steve’s secret source for information.

Jojo’s date with Aaron Rodgers’ brother doesn’t seem to be going well, probably because girl starts playing the ultimate game of I’m Mad At You, Let’s See How Long It Takes You To Figure It Out. Obviously her first move is, “How was your conversation with my dad? Oh it was great? What did you talk about?” In the words of that thing from Star Wars, IT’S A TRAP!!!!

She is fucking mad and doesn’t understand how he doesn’t KNOW it will be them at the end and he’s kind of like uh, Robby? Remember Robby? He’s still here, right?

Speaking of the actual devil, before Robby picks out an engagement ring he brings us behind the curtain to witness how the fuck he gets his hair to look so insane. It is apparently a four step process, outlined below.

HA. Great. He then meets Neil Lane who says, “I’m Neil Lane,” to which Robby responds with, “I’m Robby Hayes.” Neil Lane doesn’t care about your last name, Robby!

He picks out a ring, it is very sparkly.

PS: what is Robby’s job? A job says a LOT about a person so it’s weird to me that besides once being a fucking swimmer, I have no idea what this fool does for a living.

Now Aaron Rodgers’ brother calls Jojo’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage because ya know, he done goofed earlier. He also writes her a letter that appears to have all of the words and makings of something I would not want to receive.

And now, it’s time. THE TIME. Jojo of course had a moment of clarity when she woke up this morning, which is what they all say in a last-ditch effort to make you think this betch really was torn until the second she says goodbye to one of them even know WE ALL KNOW she is only in love with one guy and has been playing the other one like a fucking fiddle for the sake of amazing television (which, for the record, I appreciate).

Whoever gets out of the limo first is a goner and I think we can all agree that there is only one person in the entire country of Thailand that these socks could possibly belong to.

Bye, Robby. He’s ready to propose, and I look over at my two beautiful friends Natalie and Jordan who are watching this with me and I realize that we are all holding our breaths, bracing for impact.

She dumps his ass and he is kind of like wait, what? Because see the magic of this show is they NEVER SEE IT COMING.

He rides home in the van wearing his seat belt all wrong, like somebody who has lost the will to live. It will get better, Robby! Don’t try to kill yourself in this weird production van!

And now, the part with all the love. Aaron Rodgers’ brother comes up to her and says a bunch of really great things that I hope someone says to me one day (NOT IN FRONT OF CAMERAS) and she is like I love you! So much! Yes! Yay! And they get engaged.

I MEAN look at these happy motherfuckers:

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE, we check back in with Chris Harrison who promises to stir up some Aaron Rodgers family drama so although it is getting late as fuck on the West Coast, I’m in.

Robby comes out and he is really not okay, which I get because girl made his heart explode into shrapnel like, two months ago. However I am not digging his checkered pocket square/tie/small lapel flower situation and I’ll say that on record. No need to transition from pastels to patterns, Robby. One of these days we’ll put you in a nice navy blue and see how ya do.

He explains to Chris Harrison that he honestly thought he was the only man left in Thailand by the end of it. Yikes. She tells him her heart was always with Aaron Rodgers’ brother which again confirms what I said earlier about how they are always in love with the one person the whole time and the rest is just television trickery.

Robby asks if she ever wonders about what their lives would’ve been like and she is like, no? I mean he really truly thinks that it came down to the last straw, and she was in love with him. He KEEPS SAYING that she said she was in love with him and it’s like Robby, let me help you out here: she was not in love with you. She was in love with Aaron Rodgers’ brother.

Also someone went a BIT aggressive with her hair extensions. Whoa.

Anyway at some point in the night Robby leaves and now Chad is saying he was ALSO a marine, it wasn’t just Luke and Alex and I’m like say what now? Did I smoke too much weed tonight? Where is he going with this?

They bring Aaron Rogers’ brother out and he and Jojo are ADORABLE together because let’s be real, she WOULD marry an NFL player who she literally already has mutual friends with. Duh. Makes so much sense. Also he is the most fuckable person on the show so it was kind of a no brainer here.

They just want to go to Chipotle together, okay? They want to go to Chipotle and then move into their NEW HOUSE IN DALLAS. If you’re eating Chipotle all I can say is I hope the new digs have more than one bathroom (that was a poop joke).

Chris Harrison attempts to ask about Aaron Rodgers and their family shit storm and they are not having it, which is a total letdown.

We end on Chris Harrison plugging the new season of Bachelor in Paradise, which he describes has, “Truly a train wreck.” If I didn’t have this intense obligation to all you fuckers I would be like hey, I’ll watch that shit this weekend and really relax but obviously I can’t do that so please GET EXCITED for my Bachelor in Paradise recaps, as they will start tomorrow!

It should be good. Paradise is really where they let the hinges fall off.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.

I will also give you the option to follow me on Twitter.

Before we say goodbye to Aaron Rodgers’ brother forever, as a send off of sorts, let’s take a moment to appreciate the intense focus he has while doing his hair. He takes it VERY SERIOUSLY.

Thank you, that is all.

The Bachelorette Recap: “Country Clubs and Coloring Books”

July 26, 2016July 27, 20163 Comments

When life gives you lemons, you’re supposed to make lemonade. When Jojo’s life gives her lemons she sort of just, eats the lemons?

We left off last week with four dudes standing in an airplane hanger like chumps while Jojo sobbed hysterically on the tarmac. Luke just told her he loves her and now the other boys are like WHAT is happening.

In the most dramatic rose ceremony of the season (© Chris Harrison) she keeps Aaron Rodgers’ brother, Robby, and Chase. Talk. About. A head scratcher. I know none of my friends were into Luke, but I felt like my weird attraction to his clichés and tall hair is what bonded Jojo and I together for eternity.

Girl is like, UPSET and it’s leading me to believe that the producers forced her to kick him off so that America will love him enough to make him the next Bachelor. I don’t usually believe in conspiracy theories, but this is exactly like that time everybody said we landed on the moon and we didn’t.

Luke is shocked. So shocked, that I worry some of his unresolved PTSD is going to come back and haunt his every thought. This is the face of someone who’s going to need to go BACK to therapy for this shit:

He’s like, WHAT?? Meanwhile Jojo is literally snotting all over the tarmac with her deep, heavy sobs. I want to be like babe, you didn’t have to send him home? OR DID YOU?! Dun dun DUNNNN. (“Get a grip, Sam.” –Me to myself, almost every day)

The final three go to Thailand for what Jojo calls the “exotic overnight dates.” Is she fucking high? They’re called Fantasy Suites. How do you forget the token phrase of The Bachelor franchise (besides, “He has all the qualities I’m looking for in a husband, but…”).

Robby’s date is up first and they meet in a marketplace where I guess it’s humid as balls. He immediately goes, “And you thought Florida was hot!” Well, well, well, look who’s suddenly a comedian! This is how pleased Robby is with his joke:

I half expect him to go, “…Right?! ‘Cause it’s hot there too! Jojo? Are you listening?” Truthfully I know he won’t say that, because he only calls her Joelle these days, which is juuuuust creepy enough for me to think he’s going to cut off locks of her hair in her sleep and keep them in a Ziplock bag under his pillow forever.

Speaking of hair, look at his fucking hair:

I know it’s in the EXACT same place as it is every single time I look at it but honestly my anger for it is growing at a frighteningly rapid pace. (However if he’d like to share his teasing techniques, hit me up.)

They get pedicures (I think they were just massages but in my mind he got a fresh coat of OPI’s Lincoln Park After Dark) and walk around this marketplace while is absolutely POURS. I mean, it is raining SO HARD and I want you all to realize how intense it is to lug god damn EXPENSIVE ASS CAMERAS around in a monsoon. I can’t begin to imagine how many huge plastic bags are duct taped around them.

That night Robby brings a note from his dad to prove once and for all that Jojo can trust him. I would prefer that he brought a doctor’s note, as that is the worldwide currency for, “You have to believe me” but you can’t win ’em all.

Then SHE gives HIM a note and it’s like guys, we are nowhere near a classroom right now, you don’t have pass notes back and forth! You can just talk to each other’s faces. Anyway Robby grins and goes, “I will gladly forego my individual room” which makes me laugh out loud but also makes me cringe. This guy knows what’s about to go down:

She then sits in front of the camera and tells the world she loves Robby. UM, SAY WHAT NOW? She loves Robby? Like, loves loves Robby? Did she see that last week he only buttoned the bottom button of his shirt? Should we tell her that in case she didn’t notice??

Cut to the classic morning-after breakfast (“Morning-after breakfast? What’s that?” –Every girl in America) and they’ve got a fuckin’ spread.

Jojo is thrilled and says, “It’s our first breakfast together!” It is very alarming because she’s still talking like she actually does love Robby.

Aaron Rodgers’ brother’s date is next, and they’re going on a hike! He has a huge backpack on that I assume is just for holding all of his expensive hair oils.

They get to a temple where they can’t kiss, and then sit on a rock and enjoy the beautiful vistas.

Get it? I said vistas because they’re starting at a fucking rock.

At dinner, she needs to get to the tough questions. She asks him what the future looks like and his response is, “That’s a tough question to answer,” which let me tell you is the WRONG answer.

I can tell she’s starting to freak out because she goes, “That’s what Ben said!” and I immediately shout OOOH, GIRL!! I mean, damn, you’re bringin’ fucking B-Ball Higgins into this mess? She asks how he knows it’s forever and he lets out a big exhale, which I think translates to how hard do I have to work to get this fucking fantasy suite key?

Jojo loves him too, guys. She says so. Moments later, she patiently waits for the D.

The next morning she’s all giddy and says, “We’re eating our first breakfast together!” Bitch, you already said that. YESTERDAY MORNING. TO ROBBY. We get a final glimpse of their love with the obligatory walking-away-shot that producers of this show cream their pants over.

On Chase’s date, he kisses a fish.

Okay fine, they also have a beach day and it’s actually pretty romantic. Chase is opening up and although he is still pretty boring, there is vast improvement. He’s maybe even sexy and it’s like great, Chase. Way to really bring your A-game once she’s already fucked two other guys she’s in love with. That last ditch effort is what Aaron Rodgers’ brother would call a Hail Mary.

Before the evening part of their date, they keep showing Jojo and Chase in separate rooms staring into the distance so I know trouble is brewing. Sure enough, there is a knock on her door and fucking ROBBY shows up. Like, in the middle of her day with Chase.

Robby is a piece of shit. Who does that? I do NOT LIKE IT. He just wanted to say hi, because he is not man enough to just be confident. Aaron Rodgers’ brother may be a little douchey but you know what he’s not doing? Showing up to say hi.

I’m really worried about Chase. I have a soft spot in my heart for him after their fucking beach day, and I know it’s because this show has mind control serum in it and they’re toying with my emotions however they damn well please.

He is going to be so sad, so soon. But in Jojo’s defense, there is no amount of Xanax that could calm me from the panic of three men being in love with me at the same time. I’d be like, “WOW OKAY. I HAVE TO GO,” and would immediately pack my bags, move to Costa Rica and start going by the name Sofía.

In the fantasy suite he tells her he loves her and also tells her he’s never said I love you first. I am probably as sick to my stomach as Jojo is. Here is her face, which is all you need to know about how this night is going to go for him:

She needs to take a moment, so she sits outside and cries. I would sit out side and BARF. I would barf so much Thai food all over the place because this shit is looking stressful as FUCK right now. Here is Chase waiting for her to come back and smash his heart into one million pieces:

She comes back and says she didn’t feel how she wanted to feel when he said that, blah blah, and he is like, mad. He goes, “I get the point,” and stands up. Yes, Chase. Slay! Except then he goes, “So love means get the fuck out?” Eeee! This is some family divorce baggage rearing its ugly head.

A lot happens in a small amount of time, but basically she keeps shouting his name and he tells the cameras that what just happened to him was the emotional equivalent of pulling your pants down and getting kicked in the nuts. Eloquence has never been his strong suit.

At the rose ceremony, which is now just Robby and Aaron Rodgers’ brother, it is slightly awkward. They notice he’s not there and they’re both kind of stoked on it.

But then, suddenly, CHASE WALKS DOWN THE STEPS.

I thought his plane would be halfway over the Pacific by now. She goes to talk to him and the other boys are sweating, literally.

Chase says he’s proud of her, he’s impressed by her, he’s not mad. Let me just say if any guy I’ve ever broken up with came to me the NEXT DAY and said those things I would be like GREAT! That is fucking great. A real weight off my shoulders.

Robby and Aaron Rodgers’ brother obviously get the last two roses, and next week will meet her family. If anyone remembers Ben’s season, Jojo’s family was the one where the mom drank straight from a bottle and her brothers were huge assholes. I’m sure it’s all going to go VERY WELL.

More importantly the MEN TELL ALL is happening TONIGHT, and I can’t wait to see the whole gang! And yes, my little ducklings, I will be recapping it. This is my whole life now.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.

I am also hilarious on Twitter.

Now, who wore their dumb mode of transportation best?

The Bachelorette Recap: “The Spicy Child”

July 19, 2016July 19, 20162 Comments

I hope Jojo’s got a power bar hidden in her sweet tits, because girl is going to need ENERGY for these hometowns.

We start in Colorado with Chase, because Chase is boring so we need to get it out of the way. They drink hot cocoa on a blanket and this view is probably the most interesting thing about him so far all season. (“Thanks, mountains!” -Chase)

He tells her that his parents got divorced and that she’ll have to meet them separately because shit kind of hit the fan, and in response Jojo asks if the divorce was bad. Umm, yeah, Jojo. It was. That’s why you’re meeting them separately.

They chill with his dad, and we immediately learn that Chase’s house doesn’t have banisters.

I mean, that is not safe. My boozey ass would be spread eagle with a sprained ankle in NO TIME.

Jojo meets his mom, who is serving up former beauty queen/suburban MILF realness:

Because of divorce pain, Chase and his siblings can’t say I love you and they start a debate about how it’s just a word but it’s also MORE than a word. Honestly it’s a fucking downer.

Can’t we just reminisce about your weird sex yoga date and keep it moving??

In Aaron Rodger’s brother’s hometown, Jojo is on crack. Girl is SO excited that she scares all the deer in the area, which in turn scare her as they run scared. Now I’m scared.

They go to his high school and he pushes Jojo up against ANOTHER WALL to make out with her. He is literally obsessed with making out against walls. They kiss surrounded by YA novels and what I assume is at least one copy of It’s Perfectly Normal.

Jojo asks why nobody in his family talks to Aaron and he tells her that it doesn’t need to be a topic, which is bro code for can it, bitch.

At his parents house, ol’ Darla tells Jojo that Jordan is her Spicy Child and as she’s listing off adorably diabolical things he did as a youngster his father whispers, “He kicked his teacher,” so to answer your question YES, everything is totally fine and normal at the Rodgers house.

Jojo can’t take it any longer, she is going to bring up Aaron because he’s kiiiind of the reason this feather-haired motherfucker made it on the show, ya know? Here’s how his other brother handles the mention of He Who Shall Not Be Named:

They’re all hurt about it and now Jojo’s hurt about it. She defends her man by saying, “He is NOBODY’S BROTHER,” which is sweet but factually inaccurate.

At the end of the night she tells him that she’s crazy about him but also doesn’t believe that he wants to be with her forever. It’s his hair, guys. It just screams, “I FUCK A TON OF GIRLS.”

On Robby’s date he only has the bottom button done and it is freaking me out.

His best case scenario for today is that she tells him she loves him and I hear myself say to the television, “Not gonna happen.” Lofty dreams, you nautical sonofabitch.

They hang out in this historical Floridian town where apparently everyone dresses like pirates.

Fine, it is POSSIBLE they are in colonial garb.

Jojo grills him about his ex-girlfriend (you know, the one he dumped four days ago) and he assures her that it’s over, it’s done, he hasn’t thought about her ONCE. That is what we industry people like to call an oversell. You haven’t thought about her once? You are a fucking liar.

But it’s time to meet his parents! So they up and leave full drinks on the table. Who leaves FULL drinks?? What are you, a god damn billionaire? It is honestly alarming to order a drink and leave so much of it there.

Robby describes to his parents how close they were to fireworks on their date by saying, “Literally ashes falling in our eyes,” which sounds like my nightmare.

His mom then sits him down and tells him that there are rumors circulating the great US of A that Robby dumped his girlfriend Hope to be on the show. Ooooo, juicy!! If they pull out a second InTouch weekly of the season, I will die.

Now he’s gotta explain this shit to Jojo. Great. He says all the drama is just a flash in the pan and people are stirring things up, so now I’m thinking he’s not only communicating with the woman he loves but is also pitching a new show, Cooking Up Drama with Robby Hayes. I am positive the next thing out of his mouth will be, “Don’t bay leaf her. She belongs in the garbage disposal, you’re the Le Creuset of my heart.”

It’s time for her date with bowlegged Luke, and I just want to point out that he is bowlegged because as a child his bones literally grew around a horse’s body. That’s a real thing that happens to cowboys and it is blowing this city girl’s DOME RIGHT NOW.

Jojo thinks Luke’s silent confidence is a panty dropper and I’m not gonna argue with her. Sure, his face has some weird angles but I’m taking his quiet ass over Robby and his god damn boat shoes ANY DAY. (I’m sorry, Robby. I’m not sure why I hate you so much.)

She shows up to meet Luke’s family and he has neglected to mention that they scheduled this shindig on the same weekend as his family reunion.

LOOK HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE THERE. What the WHAT. But joke’s on me, everyone in Luke’s life is lovely and his parent’s 38-year marriage is a shining beacon of hope for us all (“Don’t say the word Hope!!” –Robby).

After she meets everybody they sit on a couch made out of hay.

I mean, that is ridiculous. It is absolutely insane to construct a hay couch with actual throw pillows on it.

Anyway he brings her to this… set up? How do you describe this?

The whole point is for him to say I love you and he says other things but not THE thing. She has his heart, okay? Isn’t that enough? (Spoiler alert: it’s not.) I’m watching them walk towards her car and if he doesn’t say I love you I’m going to break my TV, which is actually a projector so I would technically be breaking the drywall of my apartment.

The rose ceremony is on a tarmac that has been decorated with various old-timey boxes, and I really do wonder what the budget is on a show like this. How many flameless candles can you expense? Do they file receipts into a folder labeled rustic odds ‘n’ ends?

The four of them stand like mannequins fresh off the assembly line, and Jojo tells the producers that she needs to say goodbye to Luke. Um, exsqueeze me? I am so ready for M. Night Shyamalan to pop out of one of those decorative boxes like, “GOT YA AGAIN, SUCKAZ!! TWIST!”

Luke asks to talk to her and finally says he loves her. Ya know, the thing he forgot to say before.

Now girl is like, stressed. She walks down the tarmac (please don’t get your head chopped off by a landing plane, babe), and she’s having a full blown panic attack in a beautiful blue dress. And of course, it is To Be Continued…

We’ll find out next week if Jojo takes a shit on the tarmac. That’s what’s happening here, right?

Tune in next Monday for a TWO NIGHT EVENT™, where Chase’s ass get dumped and we sit down for the Men Tell All! Is Chad going to threaten Derek? Will Evan get a random nose bleed? How’s Wells been holding up? Can’t wait.

Read last week’s recap here. Or others here.

You can also follow me Twitter, oh em gee!!

BONUS PIC: Luke’s grandfather. Please love and cherish him as I do. Thank you.

The Bachelorette Recap: “You’re a Cute Little Gaucho”

July 12, 2016July 12, 20161 Comment

Is it me, or is this season of The Bachelorette like a deadbeat father, constantly in and out of our lives without warning? This shit is supposed to be every week and here I am sitting at a fucking bus stop waiting for it to pick me up, not realizing that it’s probably too busy getting a blow job from some waitress named Sherri.

We start by talking about last week’s rose ceremony, which was NOT last week but WEEKS ago, so please stop fucking with my head. Alex is pretty freaked out about the fact that he and James T. both almost went home, but I think once he watches the season back he will find a lot of clarity about it.

Alex gets the first one-on-one and everybody is THRILLED because apparently all he has been doing is bitching about the fact that he HASN’T GOTTEN TIME WITH HER. While on their date they eat Pringles, and here’s Jojo the very moment she realizes she is breaking her fucking Bachelorette diet:

The rest of the boys take a bus and Robby is wearing his hotel slippers like the WASP-y tool I know him to be.

Oh also? They rap about Alex. They say he’s a tiny human and is probably riding in a side car right now and it’s like wow, guys! Tell us how you really feel! But don’t worry, they also have Alex freestyle to Jojo, because what would this show be without complete and utter embarrassment?

They get to their date destination, and Alex keeps going on and on about how he loves the droopy trees and it’s like ARE YOU FIVE? They’re called weeping willows. Droopy trees. SMH.

The producers make Alex put on this gaucho cowboy outfit and now they’re just fucking with him. He doesn’t do himself any favors by having Jojo twirl him. LEAD, Alex. Lead.

Then they watch a dude make love to his horse. I mean I’m not entirely sure what he’s doing with it, but it looks a LOT like when I’m feeling sexy and my boyfriend is trying to sleep.

Alex tries to be romantic but he ruins literally everything by saying, “I’m your goocho.” Sigh. You sure you’re not sexually attracted to him, Jojo? ‘Cause he will totally be your goocho. Under the droopy trees.

Back with the boys, Robby’s hair is freaking me the FUCK out. Like, I have never seen a hairstyle like this and I’m honestly just trying to understand it at this point, ya know?

It looks like one of those things girls used to buy to create a fake-bump in the top of their hair. You betches know what I mean. The boys stop to eat various meats on the side of the road and Aaron Roger’s brother says he’s a picky eater. Of COURSE he’s a picky eater. He would be.

Over dinner, Alex tells Jojo that he just wants to “crack open a cold one” with her brothers on the hometown date. Sometimes I feel like Alex is just randomly grabbing phrases out of some weird phrase book. I honestly would not be surprised if he reached into his back pocket, opened a small notebook and said, “Don’t cry over spilled milk, ’cause milk is a dime a dozen.”

He tells her that she is falling in love with her and here is her face when he says that:

Not a good sign. She promptly dumps his ass even though there wasn’t even a rose on this date. Girl is just like yeah, I’m gonna walk you out now. Alex is, in a word, stunned.

On Aaron Roger’s brother’s date, they fly to a vineyard to stomp grapes, and all I can think about is how much I want him to fall and crack a rib like the Grape Stomp Lady. Sure, that’s a mean thought, but I feel like it would be so fun to watch. I would smile and be like, “Yes. This is great.”

He doesn’t fall, and instead they drink foot wine together. Literally, they drink the grape juice that they have just stepped all over with their grimy ass feet. It is horrifying.

They get in a hot tub after and Aaron Roger’s brother must be feeling pret-ty good about himself, as evident by the shit-eating grin he refuses to wipe off his face.

At dinner he explains how the hometown date will be if he gets to the final four (IF. Ha.) and he finally comes clean about the super awks relationship he has with Aaron Rogers. They like, DON’T TALK, which suddenly makes him way less of a celebrity so she immediately breaks up with him and sends him on his way.

Okay fine. She doesn’t do that! He says he’s in love with her and they make out against a wall, because that is homeboy’s fucking move. Real talk? It was sexy the first time, when the rest of the dudes were on the other side of the wall. But now that I know it’s his “thing,” I’m not into it.

On the 3-on-1 date with James T., Robby and Chase, is it raining like a motherfucker outside, so they just decide to hang out in a hotel room and get their booze on. James T. thinks it is a great idea to have Jojo shove as many French fries as she can into his mouth.

Enough with the fun/nice card, James. It’s the sexy part you’re missing and this little potato nightmare is NOT HELPING YOU.

Robby is now half naked running down the halls of the hotel, but I honestly don’t give a shit because his hair is so distracting and I hate him.

They’re all having such a fun time, and while they cuddle James feels the need to be snuggling all of them at once, like an adorable puppy at the foot of the bed.

When they get time alone, Jojo learns that Robby and his girlfriend of over three years broke up FOUR MONTHS AGO. Obviously, she is concerned. As she should be. He keeps being like, “No! I’m totally ready for marriage. That relationship is sooo over,” and I feel like in her head she’s like, is it though???

Chase’s time goes pretty well, even though he’s probably the most boring person that has even made it this far on the show. But like, when you’re hot, you’re hot. You get to stay longer.

She and James have the sweetest conversation, but I know he’s a goner. You can have all the qualities someone wants in a husband and father but at the end of the day, she’s got to want to fuck you. It’s just the harsh reality of the world.

Robby gets the rose, and I’m wondering if she doesn’t see his hair bump??

Luke has the final one-on-one, and he is riding horses and shooting guns like a god damn man. Jojo is a Texas girl, okay? She is INTO IT. They barely even show the rest of Luke’s date because it’s like okay we get it, she wants to jump his bowlegged bones until the cows come home (farm jokes, amiright?).

We immediately move onto the rose ceremony, and everybody (re: Chase and James T.) are flipping their shit about it. Luke gets the first rose, Aaron Roger’s brother gets the second, and Chase gets the third. Oh, you’re keeping the hot guys? Got it.

James T. is pretty sad about leaving, and what a fuckin’ doll. I am legitimately tearing up as she says goodbye to him. They will be friends one day, guys. Don’t worry. Once he’s over the heart break they will do so many fun friendzone things together.

Next week is HOMETOWNS, and I cannot wait. I am so excited about this supposed Robby drama that I swear to God if it turns out the editors are toying with my emotions and there ISN’T Robby drama I will light my apartment on fire. Robby has got. To go.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.

It’d be real neat if you’d follow me on Twitter.

Also, I had absolutely nowhere to put this in the recap, but here is the Screengrab Of The Night, presented by Pedigree dog food:

The Bachelorette Recap: “You Can’t Find This With Text Messages”

June 21, 2016June 21, 20161 Comment

You know what they say, Chad me once shame on you, Chad me twice, shame on me.

We left off TWO WEEKS AGO with Chad scratching at the window like a god damn murderer. What they conveniently left out was that while this was happening the remaining guys were spreading his protein powder ashes all over the boring ass forests of Pennsylvania. Ya. I know.

Chad comes into the house and wants to talk, so they gather at the landing to hash it out even though I’m 99% positive this house has like, 20 sitting areas.

Aaron Roger’s brother wants an apology from Chad, which is neva-gonna-happen so instead Chad puts his precious QB throwing hand into a vice death grip while they try to shake it out. Thankfully his QB hand is not too important for his career nowadays. (“Burn!!” -you guys)

Evan decides to take a stand. He wants his ripped shirt money and it’s like dude GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. You don’t need Chad’s ripped shirt money! Just buy a new shirt! Or better yet, pretend you went through your closet and gave that dumb burgundy v-neck to Goodwill. Canadian Daniel just stands in the corner eating cereal, watching this shit go down like he’s a guest at mystery dinner theater: where the action is all around you!

Chad’s out. He gone. See you at Bach in Paradise, babe. Alex returns triumphant, and the boyz are SO FUCKING HAPPY. Alex is seeing things from a whole new perspective tonight, literally.

Like any group of grown men, they celebrate with cakes and sparklers and I assume invisible party hats (“Mine’s got stripes on it!” –James T.)

At the pre-rose cocktail party, errbody is starting to tweak.

We’re also at the point in the season where I’m audibly going, “Ugh” whenever she walks off with a guy I’m ready to see leave. There are quite a few that wouldn’t make my cut.

I don’t even know this guy’s name but I hear him say, “I wrote you a poem.” Yikes.

She talks with Luke, and it’s cute because girl is way into him. He has some good angles, but his hair is very tall. Jojo notices his tall hair.

Now everyone’s talking about what made Chad wonderful and it’s like Jesus Christ, pick a lane!! Are you fucking KIDDING ME? You spent a month punching Chad’s voodoo doll in the dick and now you’re saying he brought all of you closer? I literally. Can’t. Even.

Evan’s in a tizzy (what else is new!!) because Luke is going to talk to Jojo again and Evan hasn’t gotten a turn yet. Evan SAYS he wants to talk to her, yet he is just standing with all his dude friends NOT talking to her so you tell me, DOES he want to talk to her? Simple reasoning says no. (I fucking killed the logic section of my SATs, guys. Really annihilated it. Is there a logic section of the SATs? Things to think about.)

Meanwhile, Aaron Roger’s brother is gettin’ some:

At the rose ceremony I’m kind of thinking to myself who DON’T I want to go home? Robby gets a rose, and here’s the thing about Robby. He ALWAYS looks like he’s heading to Easter brunch. Dude only dresses in pastel pink and yellows. It’s alarming.

And Vinny is still getting roses, so we know there is a longggg way to go before some sucker gets down on one knee. Here’s Evan getting the final rose:

Ugh. See? Ugh. Canadian Daniel gets kicked off and tells the boys to, “Take care, ey?” BYE DANIEL. He then talks to producers for his exit interview and says that if this were all about body he would stay, because he has a better body than Evan and Wells. Um, did you think this was all about body? WHY would it be all about body. For the record, his body is weird.

Jojo tells the rest of le brosefs that they are going somewhere exotic and if I remember her big drum roll to the Pennsylvania reveal correctly, I assume she is about to say, “Fort Lauderdale!!” But she doesn’t, they’re going to Uruguay. Is Grant excited? I can’t tell.

When they get to their hotel room in Uruguay somebody says they have a 360 degree view of the ocean, which just goes to show that we are watching dummies.

Aaron Roger’s brother gets the first one-on-one and the rest of them immediately turn on him. They think he’s just trying to get another stamp in his passport which is CRAZY because he JUST got another stamp in his passport like, that morning at customs. Also have you ever seen someone style their hair this aggressively?

Such intensity in the eyes! I don’t like it.

He and Jojo go to Seal Island, which sounds a lot like Shark Food Island and my meh-level swimming skills would definitely not save me in that situation. No gracias, as they say.

Back at the hotel the guys suddenly have a copy of InTouch Weekly and Vinny’s cutting hair like this is the set of Barbershop 8: Loser White Guys. Like, is this real? ABC wants me to think Vinny just happened to have a NEW InTouch Weekly even though none of these guys have been allowed to turn on a TV or hold a cell phone for the past five weeks? The main article is Jojo’s ex-boyfriend dishing about how they were still talking and in love when she was on Ben’s season. Smells fishy, kids.

Meanwhile Aaron Roger’s brother and Jojo have dinner and Jojo decides to confront him about some things. She met someone who dated him and it didn’t end well. This boy is SQUIRMING.

He explains that ya know, he didn’t cheat, he was just talking to and enjoying other girls when he shouldn’t have. I think that’s cheating? He and Jojo have a weird, deep conversation about their feelings and love and Jojo goes, “Do you ever think it’ll scare you so much it’ll make you pull away?” I want you guys to just picture, for a second, me saying that to a guy. They would be like WHAT, SAM? Are you talking to me or making yourself a voice-memo for your audiobook?

They get back from their date and these dudes have a lot of questions about the magazine and Jojo’s ex, who BTW is also named Chad. Let me remind you that this is the same Chad who sent her a creepy love letter during Ben’s season and the producers let her think it was from Ben until she FREAKED OUT about it.

Upon being handed this article Jojo gets, in a word, hysterical. Like, hysterical in that way where you’re like oh fuck, she’s got some demons about this relationship. Something bad happened there. She explains things to the boys and they now officially hate all Chads of the world.

Little bonus Charlie’s Angels clip for you guys.

On the group date they go sand surfing and Brad is jealous of everyone, which is right on schedule for the guy who got the first one-on-one date ten billion years ago. Also I just realized his name is actually Derek, not Brad.

Derek gets the group date rose because he needs reassurance and it does NOT sit well with Alex. Alex is all pissed off and I want to tell Alex to get a fucking life. Also, let me take a moment to say I think I would be great on this show. I would never win, but I could totally be the “funny” girl in the house who gets kicked off six weeks in. I’d lose in love but I’d gain lifelong girlfriends. It’s honestly a sisterhood.

ANYWHO Robby gets the last one-on-one and things seem to be going pretty well.

Ha! I’m kidding, that’s not Robby! That’s a dog.

They go cliff diving and Robby looks like an 80s Ken doll from hell.

He loves her. Okay? He loves her. So he says it! Except now my boyfriend, who has been absolutely SILENT up until this point goes, “Little early, huh?” Yip.

Before the cocktail party Derek thinks some of the guys have a clique and he would like to tell them that they have a clique. It is very lame of him.

Also Grant next to this candelabra in his vest thing looks exactly like he is playing the part of Lumiére in the Broadway revival of Beauty and the Beast and someone wanted to interview him sitting next to his costume:

Chris Harrison lets these noodles know that there won’t be a cocktail party tonight, they’re headed straight to the rose ceremony and THREE people are leaving. I vote Grant, Evan, and Vinny. Jojo agrees with me.

Evan is sad. Vinny is sad. Everyone is sad.

Next week we’re in Buenos Aires, and Jojo is in some sort of AMAZING BLUE DRESS. Stay tuned.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.

You can also be a GEM and follow me on Twitter.

PS: what the fuck was going on with Alex’s hair here???????

The Bachelorette Recap: “If You Were Making A Protein Shake…”

May 31, 2016May 31, 20161 Comment

Look I’m going to be honest, I really shit the bed on this one. My rosé drunk, long-weekend ass didn’t realize this shit wasn’t recording until 8:09, so we’re gonna have to jump right into the action. My bad, y’all. My bad.

I turn on the TV in sheer panic/blind rage, only to find Chad the Villain lifting a DIY luggage weight belt like some kind of deranged lunatic who’s been held in administrative segregation too long. (You guys watch Lockup? You should. It’s great.)

Also a bunch of bros are on a group date at a fire station, including Grant the actual fire fighter. No pressure, dude, but if you fuck this up you’re going to be the laughing stock of your entire station. Even the Dalmatian I assume every fire department has is going to be chuckling his spotted doggy face off.

Wells is on the date and he is like, NOT equipped to be a fire fighter. He looks like he should be sipping Perrier on a fucking sailboat, not running through actual flames to save lives. Or as he describes himself, “I’m so much not like everyone else here.”

Gorgeous sentence. He should be a writer.

Wells is suddenly paler than Emma Stone’s upper thigh so I know he’s about to faint. Jojo comes to his aid and now everyone wishes THEY were about to faint. Guys, calm down. Do you really think she wants to fuck a guy who gets light headed after five minutes in a slightly heavy jacket? Negative.

Back at the mansion the rest of the guys write a song about Jojo called, wait for it, Jojo. Sounds like a hit, get Rihanna on the hook and send that shit to Seacrest.

They’re also hanging out in a kitchen that has so much god damn food I am FREAKING. OUT. Look at all this produce!!

I mean, my God. How many bell peppers can twenty men need? If you’re a Borrower (a tiny human living in the walls of a house, duh), this is the kitchen you wanna be in.

On the group date it’s down to Grant the fire fighter and Luke the cowboy, in an epic race to save Jojo from a burning building to win more time with her. Obviously Grant is going to crush it because if he doesn’t he will probably leap off the building. But Luke, I gotta say, is a big ol’ bag of yum in the process.

Even after Grant wins, Fainty Wells gets the rose. But you know what he doesn’t get? A kiss because LIKE I SAID, there is nothing sexy about weakness and girl is all about the two men who made it to the final challenge like god damn men.

It’s time for her one-on-one date with Derek, and all the dudes are forced to watch them leave in what must be the most emasculating send off of their lives.

“Bye Jojo, have fun! Bye Derek, hope you fall off a cliff and break every bone in your body!”

Their date is going to be all about CHOICES, and of course the first thing they do is get on a prop plane. Hi, remember me, Sam Jarvis? The hilarious bitch who HATES PROP PLANES??

Like, no. NO. No. Here’s a choice: go fuck yourself. I’m never getting on a prop plane.

Back at the house, Canadian Daniel and Chad the Villain are having a very important meeting for their Black Tank Top Club.

Chad thinks everyone is an ingenuine piece of shit, which he explains with the most confusing, absurd protein shake analogy I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Yo, what the FUCK are you talking about? It’s here I realize that Chad is a muscle-obsessed douchenoodle. At first I thought he was just your average bad boy with a chiseled jaw, but the second I piece together luggage weight belts and protein shake analogies it’s like fuck, I am OUT.

On their one-on-one Derek gets choked up talking about his last relationship, which ended three years ago. Dude is like, straight up crying and I immediately think he’s about to say that his high school sweetheart was crushed to death in a tractor accident. Nope, she just cheated on him. Um, yawn. Big fuckin’ deal! Why don’t you cry about it OH WAIT YOU ALREADY ARE.

On the second group date they go to ESPN and play a little game called BachelorNation. I personally wish they’d gone to ESPN Zone for some pop-a-shot, but you can’t win them all. They have to do touchdown dances, someone refers to Jojo as “merchandise,” and everybody has to fake propose to her. Basically, shit is awkward as FUCK.

Chad knows it’s awkward as fuck, and won’t tell her why he loves her because spoiler alert, he doesn’t love her. Girl just wants to hear some good qualities about herself and he promptly calls her NAGGY. Audible gasps. Everyone: outraged. You’d think he just called her a cunt by how flabbergasted they are.

Chad’s in the hot seat and explains that he was just being honest. And you know what? Jojo’s bad boy lovin’ ass buys that shit faster than a pair of espadrilles at Saks Off Fifth.

Back in what I assume is the room from Top Chef where they wait to hear who got kicked off because they over salted their pork loin, Chad is starting to unravel.

He doesn’t get why everyone is obsessed with her and is like, “Is this the first pretty girl y’all have seen?” Chad’s fucked some hot pieces, okay? Don’t get it twisted.

They leave ESPN and go to another cocktail party, where James T. explains to Jojo that although he is not named Abs McGee, he does have a love poem to read her. She CRIES and I have to give it to him, shit was pretty adorable.

More importantly Alex picks the WRONG CHAIR TO SIT IN.

Some Bachelor producer must be real fucking proud of themselves for this shit. They stood in a fancy ass production meeting like, “And we’ll have the short guy sit in this humongous chair!” Raise, benefits, matching 401k for that genius.

Chad is missing at the start of the rose ceremony and of course he’s just sittin’ on the steps of the mansion, whiskey in hand, waiting for Jojo like the start of some weird stalker movie.

What was the one with Mark Wahlberg where he fingers Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster and then kills her dog? Fear? It’s like that, kind of.

All the bros are pissed about it and DEMAND. AN EXPLANATION. Chad’s all, I went out to get some air and they’re all, well did you see Jojo? And he’s all yeah I did I said ‘sup and they’re all well what ELSE did you say? It is the dumbest exchange I’ve ever seen and every single one of these guys could benefit from taking a fucking Xanax.

And now for a segment I like to call Chad and His Meats. Chad eats tons and tons of deli meat during this party and I am suddenly starting to think it is possible that Chad is my soulmate.

Maybe that’s really all I need in life and it doesn’t matter if my partner is a complete psycho with serious anger issues, so long as I have someone to sit and eat honey maple turkey with, you know? Things to think about.

In reality Chad is eating all of this meat so he can beef up (LOL) for the big fight he’s about to get in. He explains to BFF Canadian Daniel that everyone here is a pussy to which Daniel responds, “a gang, ey?” Jesus Christ. (“Could he BE any more Canadian?” –Chandler Bing)

Chad keeps cutting into everyone’s time with Jojo and Alex is OVER IT and somehow thinks he can take him. He wants to punch him in the face, which is hilarious because if he swung for Chad’s face I think his fist would land somewhere mid-chest. Chad is 6’4’’, buddy. That is one tall drink of toxic water and he will pound your face in.

Chad gets up in Alex’s grill and goes, “Keep it up and you’re going to lose your teeth.” I am now rubbing my hands together and chuckling, gleefully sipping my vanilla milkshake as I turn up the volume on my TV. Now we’re getting into it!!

Chad gets the final rose and everybody is shocked, JUST SHOCKED, even though he has the best body in the house so really they should be the exact opposite of shocked.

Next week Chad beats the fuck out of somebody, I think. Tune in!

Also, here’s Christian’s dick: