Did you guys spend your Memorial Day poolside?! I went to Target.

It’s week two on the Bachelorette calendar, so we are officially IN IT! They immediately show Copper the dog STILL in a leg cast, and I’m pretty concerned/wondering when he is going to get it off. What if it’s like a human cast and he has to have it for twelve weeks and it’s the SAME twelve weeks as the show?? Ugh. I hope he isn’t in pain.

A.N.Y.W.A.Y. Chris Harrison hands them their first date card, but also says he hopes everybody is here for the right reasons, because if some people aren’t he doesn’t get paid as much. (That might not be correct.)  Seems AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS that Chris says that out of the god damn blue. Makes me think someone ISN’T here for the right reasons DUN DUN DUNNN!!

Southerner Lee reads the date card while wearing a quilted sweater for some reason, and the first group date will be Dean, Jack, John, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred and Lucas. (“I don’t remember anyone’s names” –You)

They arrive on the date and Rachel is “grilling.” I use air quotes because at one point she pretends to poke food on the grill but misses and just sort of adjusts air. Hollywood is an illusion.

Blake is still freaking out about the fact that WHAAABOOOOOM Lucas is here, and Blake is POSITIVE Rachel doesn’t want what Lucas has to offer. Blake knows what Rachel wants: chest hair and dog tags.

But suddenly none of this matters, because Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are here.

Hm. Aren’t they like, too successful to be on this show? She makes plenty of money off those weird Jim Beam commercials where she’s SUPER SERIOUS, right? They are here to see who in the group is Husband Material, so Mila kicks it off by saying, “Who here has health insurance?”

HA. Yes. Getting right to the point, Kunis! Fuck love, your husband has to have COVERAGE, ladies. Write that down. But now the boys have to compete in an obstacle course that looks an awfully lot like the Duggar’s backyard.

So they compete and it’s an absolute shit show. Literally there is fake baby poop everywhere and sinks filled with hair and all kinds of weird shit (yet NO SPIDERS TO KILL, a failure on ABC’s part), and now it’s down to Lucas and Kenny. But Lucas straight up stiff arms Kenny, which is NOT something I would do, because Kenny is a pro wrestler and looks jacked as absolute fuck.

Lucas wins, and Ashton is confused about this whaboom business, so he asks 100 questions as if he were a small child. Why? When? For what? But WHY? Also Blake is still talking about Lucas and does a mic drop with a baby, which you should NEVER do.

The group heads to a weird bar that I’m pretty sure is just a set they built, and while Lucas is busy reading Rachel a poem (gag), Blake tells the other guys that he knows Lucas from a previous whaboom encounter. I mean Jesus Christ, he is OBSESSED with Lucas! Was this encounter passionate and in one of your beds? Fucking drop it already, you’re annoying.

Meanwhile Rachel talks to the other guys, and Jack leans way too close to her.

Fellas, sit up straight with your back at 90 degrees and we’ll all feel better about you. His face is like, six inches from hers and it’s giving me anxiety through the television.

Then the tickle monster gives Rachel tips on wiping butts, which is not a sentence I thought I would ever write, ever.

But we finally get the clarity we deserve: Lucas’ ex-girlfriend is Blake’s roommate or some shit? Truthfully it’s NOT that clear, but I personally just want to get into an argument with someone next to a giant lava lamp, as a life goal.

While they yell about how Lucas’ ex is getting evicted from Blake’s apartment (what the fuck tho), Dean and Rachel are busy hysterically laughing.

Dean gets the group date rose, because if I’ve learned anything tonight it’s that women aren’t attracted to 1) people who wear dog tags 2) people who lean too close to them and 3) boys who were really, really fucking bad kids at camp.

Back at the mansion, Peter gets the first one on one date and everyone is salty as shit about it. The next day he arrives for his date and they are going on a private jet. But there’s a surprise… COPPER IS COMING WITH!!! Oh, glorious day. Did I mention I love dogs? I mean what IS it about dogs? Fuck. They are just the best. Look at this gorgeous family:

The three of them fly to Palm Springs, and someone is going to have to get out a defibrillator, because they have arrived at a DOG PARTY and I think I’m having a heart attack.

Copper is lov-ing-it, and hobbles around with all the other dogs and gets his picture taken and it is just phenomenal. Speaking of phenomenal, Peter looks like a god damn watch model.

At dinner, he and Rachel talk about their gap teeth and their love of therapy, which doesn’t totes SOUND romantic, but Rachel is all horned up about him, so he gets the rose. They’re basically in love already.

They cap off the night by watching fireworks with Copper, which makes literally zero sense. Have you ever SEEN a dog near fireworks? Ya right. The second that first bang went off Copper was nestled behind the back of a toilet in Rachel’s hotel room praying to all the dogs from All Dogs Go The Heaven that the madness stops soon and that he will be rewarded with one thousand squirrels for his perseverance.

It’s time for the second group date of the week, which is with Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, and DeMario. (“I still don’t remember anyone’s names” –You guys again)

They go to a school gym, where Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is waiting for them. If you did not know this, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is very tall.

They play basketball and I’m going to be honest, country boy ain’t great.

That flailing butt belongs to Lee. After they practice, it’s time for the big game. So they fill the bleachers with fans and get them to hold weird signs, like this one that says Go Team!

Which team? Any team! Who cares! None of this is real! The game is fine, DeMario dunks a lot (too many times, some would say) but still loses.

Then, THEN, the best thing ever happens, which is that some chick shows up claiming to be DeMario’s girlfriend. Oh hell yes, shit is about to go down.

I don’t know if I’ve blinked in the last several minutes, and I know I’ve shoved at least one hard boiled egg into my mouth (I get it, I’m gross, but I’m still on this fucking diet so bear with me.)

Rachel grabs DeMario to talk to him and the rest of the guys think he’s getting a rose, which makes this entire reveal even more delicious. I bet DeMario thinks he’s getting one too, until he sees his fucking girlfriend standing there with her arms crossed screaming, “KARMA’S A BITCH, HUH DEMARIO?”

He then. Guys. I can’t even tell you what he does. He goes, “OOOhhhh! …Who is this?”

Like, literally registers that he knows her and then pretends he doesn’t know her at all. It is immediate denial, because he knows his life is a super fancy ass loafer that just stepped in a steaming pile of dog shit.

In his defense, his ex/current/unclear girlfriend does not seem to be sane, and might think she’s on an episode of Maury.

But Rachel is not the one, okay DeMario? She keeps asking him to clarify when they dated, and he keeps saying things that are too “general” for her. He’s basically like, “Well I don’t know exactly WHEN, but ya know, SOMETIME EARLIER.” Buddy, c’mon. Pick a month. Pick a season!

Wouldn’t matter what he said, because girl brought receipts. This bitch shows Rachel all of the texts from DeMario promising to “do better, babe” and he is fuckin’ cooked! Rachel verbatim says GET THE FUCK OUT and it’s great.

He’s confused (shouldn’t be), the girlfriend is vindicated, and Rachel is PISSED. Chris Harrison lurks somewhere ready to talk to her but she is not having it. (Does Chris Harrison usually go on the dates? Fishy, fishy…)

Rachel spills this piping hot tea to the other guys, and the main thing to take from this is that Alex and his mini ponytail are very concerned.

And now to Diggy with the reaction cam:

That night, Rachel talks to each guy and it’s very boring because she keeps repeating the word hopeful over and over. But then Alex sings to her in Russian and the world is right again.

She kisses Eric, and honestly he gives me the creeps. His suits are a little too big, and he reminds me of a used car salesman. We’ll see if this pans out at all, or if I’m just a judgy bitch.

I don’t like him.

Josiah gets the group date rose and is basically like, BFF-DeMario who?

The next day they all prepare for the rose ceremony, which means they pack their bags and therefore reveal to the cameras and the world that they’re all disgusting pigs.

Look at this room! It’s been like, 4 days, guys. Fold your t-shirts.

At the pre-rose cocktail party, Rachel looks like a motherfucking goddess.

But suddenly she’s kissing a guy I swear I have never seen before. Who is this guy??

Okay, now that I see his name is Bryan I VAGUELY remember him from night one, but he didn’t get a date this week so he basically died in my mind.

But oh snap, someone is at the mansion gates!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really shouldn’t have used so many exclamation marks, because we all fucking know it’s DeMario so it’s not THAT exciting. He stands out there talking to some guy who we are expected to believe is NOT a hired actor.

This “regular employee” says he needs to talk to Mr. Harrison before he lets DeMario on the property, which is also hilarious because Mr. Harrison doesn’t fucking pay the mortgage on the mansion (I don’t think).

So Chris walks up and is like, “DeMario! What are you doing?” Which is a nice way of calling someone a loser. But DeMario just really needs to talk to Rachel. He can’t have someone ASSASSINATE HIS CHARACTER™ without at least explaining himself.

Rachel can’t help it, she has to hear what this confident-slam-dunking-shady-ass-motherfucker has to say, so she’s going, Chris is going, WE’RE ALL GOING.

To Be Continued next week, when I assume… she talks to DeMario?

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here. 

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Bonus footage, this scary ass clown that might be on mushrooms: