If I’m keeping it 100 right now, I literally cannot remember where these fucks are on a globe.
Norway? Denmark? It’s a been a pret-ty boozey two weeks since I last checked in with these noodles, so if I get any immediate details wrong please remember that I drank an entire bottle of champagne whilst floating around in a pool yesterday covered in SPF 50 from head to motherfucking toe, so I’m a lil cloudy.
A.N.Y.W.A.Y. to answer my own question we are in Geneva, Switzerland, where Rachel has to explain to the remaining six (6?!?!) guys that there won’t be a rose ceremony, and instead there will be three 1 on 1 dates and one 3 on 1 date. Everybody instantly starts sweating, but not as much as I do when I get one look at her panic-inducing turtleneck.
What are the two things that give me anxiety? Guys, you know this. Say it with me: Prop planes and turtlenecks!! And what’s the third thing? That’s right! A buttoned up jean jacket!
Can he even move his arms AT ALL??
Bryan gets the first one on one, where they drive a Bentley and Bryan feels hashtag blessed.
No seriously, he can’t stop talking about how blessed he is. Then they go to a Breitling watch store and a guy wearing black gloves helps them try on some shit (Genie at the Chanel store wore black gloves while showing me a purse and it was lovely except for the fact that I bought nothing because did you know Chanel bags are FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS?! Fucking Christ!)
So they try on watches and he falls in love with one that has a shitty band, but Rachel goes, “Let me get that for you,” and he is in genuine shock.
Babe, Rachel isn’t charging this shit on her Visa, okay? The show is picking up the tab. Let’s not play like oh my god, my girlfriend bought me a Breitling.
Anyway he doesn’t give a shit where the money is coming from, so long as he has his sweet time piece and they can pose for this weird scary watch ad they’re doing right now:
Next, dinner takes place on a stage that looks like it’s dressed and ready for a matinee performance of Beauty and the Beast: The Musical.
What do they talk about? Eh, not much, Bryan just has her describe her private school uniform. You know, the one she wore when she was fifteen. She went there to LEARN and get an EDUCATION, Bryan.
They go on and on about past relationships, who broke whose heart, and truthfully my attention has turned to the caramel popcorn I’m shoving in my mouth like I’m hibernating for the god damn winter, because my friend Jordan brought it over and she is the devil.
Dean gets the next one on one, and he and his Jon Hamm-sized package meet up with Rachel.
I mean, hellllllo, Dean! They go to a church because you know, those are super fun dates and everybody loves sitting silently while people light candles. I know I do.
After church and coffee and strange street dancing with some kind of hobo pirate magician (more on him later), they chill up on a ledge overlooking the city and honestly Dean looks so fucking stressed that I’m semi worried he’s going to leap off of it.
She asks him how he’s feeling, except instead of talking about his actual feelings he asks her what her favorite dinosaur is. It’s a little ?? and I’m wondering what kind of psycho knows their favorite dinosaur off the top of their head (t-rex).
At dinner she finally presses him more, and he opens up about his family and how things sort of fell apart after his mom died. All I know is he says that his father became eccentric after his mom’s passing and I’m starting to wonder if he means like, Joe Simpson eccentric or what??
Peter gets the third one on one, and Eric and Adam are not so jazzed on it.
But back to Peter and helicoptering to the Alps and dogs!!
DOGS! DOGS! DOGS!! Yes. The best. (Speaking of, where’s Copper at? How’s his leg doing? Somebody get back to me on that.)
Back at the hotel the other guys talk, and this succulent is eavesdropping so motherfucking hard on them right now.
Do you see that? It’s all like oh, what are you guys talking about? Your deep dark secrets? Don’t mind me! Sus as fuck.
So Peter and Rachel picnic in a snow storm, which is not totes ideal, but his salt and pepper hair is looking RADIANT in the snow so I guess it’s fine.
He tells Rachel that this has all been hard on him, and there have been times when he’s thought of leaving. …GASP!
She doesn’t love hearing this, but you and I and everybody else watching this glorious fight to the death AHEM I MEAN JOURNEY know that he is still getting a rose tonight.
At dinner, Peter talks about his last breakup and how he pulled away from the driveway and the girl was crying and he never forgave himself and I am positive he is about to say she got in some horrible wreck and died two days later but nope! He’s just sobbing in a gilded room talking about a person who is still totally alive and well whose feelings he hurt one time awhile ago.
The other dudes at the hotel are now convinced that Peter isn’t getting a rose even though AIN’T NOBODY GETTING RID OF PETER.
Also, MARK’S NAME IS MATT. Guys. Stop. There is a dude on this show who I have been calling Mark for two months now, and this motherfucker just called him Matt.
Anyway so MATT not MARK talks to ADAM, and Adam says that his relationship is stronger than anyone else’s in the house and I hear myself say, “Oh God.”
He has, in three words, got it twisted.
So okay obviously Peter gets his rose, and now it’s time for the dreaded 3 on 1 date with Adam, MATT not MARK, and Eric, which is great because it’s giving them time to workshop their new band, The Peacoat Trio.
They boat on over to France, where Adam starts talking about how things should never be difficult, only challenging, and you know when you start a toast but don’t know exactly where you’re going with it, so you sort of keep rambling on until you get your bearings? We are witnessing that right now and honestly Eric is having a challenging, not difficult, time following.
But real talk, it’s time for MATT not MARK to go home. He had a nice run, coming in sixth is totally acceptable, so Rachel lets him drift off into the wind (aka sit at some Swiss airport for 10 hours.)
She cries, and the sheer number of false lashes they have put on her is borderline alarming.
But Matt not Mark takes his half full glass of champagne into the sprinter van with him so honestly Matt, Mark, whatever your name is, you’re cool in my book.
It’s time for her to decide who is getting her last hometown date, and to no one’s surprise it’s Eric, even though he’s never brought a girl home because his home was as broken as the chocolate chip cookie I crammed in my work bag last night.
Adam of course is salty as absolute fuck in the van and thinks she’s made a huge mistake. Ladies, let me just say that any time a man gets all butt hurt thinking you made a “huge mistake” and doesn’t respect your decision making skills, chances are that person is an asshole. Now I’m not CALLING you an asshole, Adam. I’m just saying ODDS ARE you probably are one.
PS, where the fuck was Chris Harrison tonight? Ordering room service and watching Maid in Manhattan OnDemand?? I hope so.
Breaking news: You can also follow me on Twitter.
Next episode is hometowns, and holy shit I cannot wait. Looks from the sneak peak like Peter is going to openly weep while sitting on the floor like a child and Dean’s dad might actually be the man playing weird crank music from their date:
IZ GONNA BE GOOD!!! Toodles. LYLAS.