The Bachelor recap: “My Heart Is Gold But My Vagine Is Platinum”

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Let me take this time to thank each and every one of you who heard the VIRAL NEWS that Rachel is going to be the next Bachelorette, and then immediately texted or e-mailed me to congratulate me on being so fucking right. Because who guessed weeks ago that she was going to be the first black Bachelorette? Oh, that’s right-


Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

We left off last week with Nick crying and crying and crying. He had the most major case of le sads ever, because what if he can’t find his wife on this television show? WHERE, oh where, in the city of Los Angeles will he find someone who shares the same interests as him, such as being on a television show?

Anyway so Uncle Chris comes to straighten him out and is basically like look Nick, you are a scaredy cat. A puss puss.


He then asks Nick if he is ready to walk away from all of this, even tough Nick is contractually obligated to stay. (If you think ABC doesn’t have some IRON CLAD paperwork with this brosef you’ve got another thing comin’.)

So Nick shows up at the hotel to talk to the girls, and Corinne is like oh sweet Jesus, let me get my weave right.


That hair fluff is a straight Sam Jarvis move. Get it, baby. Shove that blonde up in his face.

We don’t know if Nick is going to leave the show at this point, but since we are 6 minutes into a ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY MINUTE PROGRAM, my money is on nah, he stayin’. And you know what? I’m right again!

Everyone is so happy. Even quiet ass Danielle M. is full of fucking glee. It’s a god damn miracle. She’s giggling like the first time she tried a marijuana cigarette.


But now it’s time to leave this island and go to another island. (That’s what the cool kids call “island hopping,” I am told via a few VERY hip internet forums.) They are going to Bimini, and the girls are super pumped about it. Now is a good time to remember that none of these betches have phones or computers or even a MAP, so they probably think they are going to fucking Indonesia, not somewhere 50 miles east of Miami.

In Bimini, their villa looks like the Property Brothers snorted a bunch of coke and stayed up all night placing throw pillows just so and screaming about how great is at each other.


I know a good throw pillow ninja chop when I see one.

Corinne wants the first one on one date, and she’d really prefer if there was champagne and sushi, like a woman after my god damn heart. But nope, Vanessa gets the date card. Vanessa’s been WAITING for her second date, unlike all the other girls here who just like to be locked in hotel rooms without access to the outside world for weeks at a time and are in no rush at all.

So it’s time for her date, and Nick dresses very Euro for her.

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Vanessa has, “never been on a boat before,” and it’s like, HUH? Not even a pontoon boat? This chick barfed in a zero gravity plane and has never been in a fucking canoe?! Well she’s completely wasting her FIRST TIME ON A BOAT by exclusively discussing past shit that Nick doesn’t want to talk about. He’s sweating at the mere mention of Danielle L. going home.


Okay fine, that might just be the sun.

Back at the villa Corinne tells Rachel that Vanessa lacks depth, and all she can talk about is cooking pasta and being a special needs teacher. If I went on this show I’m pretty positive all I would talk about is how much I love television, and that I am enthusiastic about pizza. Is there really anything more to me? (No.)

Vanessa and Nick make out near a shipwreck, and it’s definitely one of those sounds-more-sexy-than-it-actually-is moments.

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Snorkeling goggles while making out? Bleh.

At dinner, Vanessa tells Nick she is falling in love with him. He explains that although he’s said I love you to a shit ton of women, when he says it for the first time when he’s actually in love, he wants it to feel like it’s the first time he’s ever said it ever? It’s a little confusing, but basically he feels like there is a greater love out there than the loves he’s already had and with that being said, “I really like you.”

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I mean look, nobody’s thrilled to hear that, but girl gets all butt hurt because she thought he was going to tell her he was in love with her. Van, babygirl, look around. See the cameras? This is that TV show you have watched before. He CAN’T TELL YOU HE LOVES YOU RIGHT NOW. There are SIX motherfuckaz still in this shit.

Next, Nick goes on a group date with Raven, Corinne and Christina, where he puts sunscreen on Christina’s thigh/vagina. Corinne does not handle it well.

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She has of course forgotten that on her first date with him she had him hold her boobs in front of 10 girls but ya knowwww whatevs.

So now they are all going to swim with sharks, and Corinne is asking the right questions. 1) Are they in cages? and 2) Do they have teeth? Meanwhile Christina is saying obvious sentences like, “I know they can bite,” and Raven is threatening to punch the sharks in their fucking faces. In other words, everyone is being very THEM right now.

They get in the water, they see the sharks, and this is a whopping ol’ NO GRACIAS for me, guys.


Christina cries and leaves Corinne and Raven just swimming out there by themselves like chumps (Dare I say CHUM, MUAHAHA Jesus Christ I am witty).

Later, we see Nick’s silly wet shark hair.


That night, Nick cries AGAIN, and Christina is basically like welp, you can’t keep us all, babe. So definitely think about that. Just cuts him fucking deep! It’s great. I’m smiling.

Corinne shoves no fewer than nine cheese cubes in her mouth and I swear if she doesn’t move to LA and become friends with me I will feel like this whole season was a complete waste.

Raven gets the group date rose, which means that Nick will be meeting her family on a hometown date next week. Christina is so irritated that she literally can’t hug him.

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Then Raven and Nick dance to Adam Friedman (“Who?” –All of us, in unison).

Now feels like a good time to address the fact that I am sitting on my couch eating leftover Korean barbecue with an eye mask on. This is what my life has become, just taking pics of my TV while writing hilarious comedy AND softening my eyes AND eating some fuckin’ BEEF. All for you. (Except the last two things. Those are for me.)

But BACK TO WORK. On Danielle M.’s date, she thinks they’re going to do something awesome but instead they ride bikes. Nick says that riding bikes is like swings, and I’m here to tell you riding a bike is not like swinging on a swing. When someone sees swings, regardless of age, they point to them and say, “Swings!!!!” When someone sees a bike, it’s just a fucking bike, ya know?

Also, their conversation is not going well. He keeps repeating, “So, hometowns!” as if he was saying, “How ‘bout them Yankees?!” Because he has nothing else to say to her. She’s a goner.


At dinner she doesn’t quite tell him she loves him, because she has had a tough past in love and isn’t trying to look a fool on TV. She’s scared that she doesn’t know what Nick’s thinking, and if she has been present on the same virtually silent date that I’ve been watching, she should be able to tell exactly what he’s thinking, which is that he needs to send her home.

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He does, but not before telling her she’s great and she goes, “Not great enough.” Boom, roasted! See ya never, prick! I enjoy it. It’s the first time I’ve seen balls on this angel all season.

Back at the villa, Corinne is freaking out. She needs to see Nick ASAP to solidify her hometown date. So she shows up to his hotel room just as he was, “About to have a nightcap,” and I am like Nick, stop. You have never in your life called it a nightcap. What are you, sixty years old? (“I’m going to have a nightcap!” –Me from now on, reaching into the fridge for a beer at 2pm)


Anyway so Corinne wants to fuck him, right? She gets him in a private room and he’s asking what she has in mind and I am very certain that what HE has in mind, is a blowjob. Boys love blowjobs! But he can’t go through with any of it because he wants to wait and blah blah, basically he knows this footage is going to be a fucking PROBLEM once he’s engaged to Vanessa.

Upon rejection, Corinne is now flustered. So flustered in fact, that she walks RIGHT past the automatic doors of the hotel and goes to the other random side doors.

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But it’s time for Rachel’s date, and the first thing they talk about is how she’s never brought home a white guy. Just jumping right into the hard-hitting Qs! Love it.

Then Rachel starts speaking only in witty phrases like, “I love sports but I don’t play games,” and, “It was as easy as the breeze flowing through the bar,” and I wanna be like honey are you about to drop a book of poetry on Amazon tonight? What’s going on?


This date is going really well, which has me tripping because we all know by now that Rachel is officially going to be the next Bachelorette so I’m like okay, when is she going home? I just keep waiting for shit to go down and it doesn’t.

Corinne is now truly, truly losing her cool about this rose ceremony. Zero chill.

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(It’s worth noting that I actually think Corinne is the best choice for him. I really think they could happily date in LA and be on the covers of magazines and order Papa Johns together.)

But suddenly Nick comes to the villa and needs to talk to Christina, and we know she’s going home. Christina looks like she is going to barf. She DOES NOT LIKE THIS.

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She’s fucking mad because ya know, she’s being dumped in front of millions of people. But at least the plane ride from Bimini to Kentucky is short! What if they had been in Europe?!

Sooooo…. Now they have announced Rachel as the next Bachelorette on Jimmy Kimmel, yet she is still on the show. Don’t they usually wait ’til a bitch is kicked OFF to say that? Weird. All of it is weird. I hope he ends up with Corinne. Did I say that already? Yes. Good.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here

Also my Twitter is sometimes okay. 

And RIP to this beautiful piece of art, as we now know their love did not make it to 2017.

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