Guys. Grab a snack, pour a beverage,  and try to pee, because we are about to settle in for a three hour Bachelor event®, which is longer than I attend most real-life events.

We jump right into the morning-after phase of Raven’s overnight date, and if you’re wondering whether or not he gave her the first orgasm of her sad life, she summarizes the night by explaining that, “Nick is pretty good at what he does, so I’m satisfied.”

I immediately hear myself say ew, while my boyfriend goes, “That lacked subtlety,” before standing up and leaving the room for what I assume will be forever.

But she high-fives strangers and pets Finnish dogs, so I guess she’s happy with all the dick she got last night. (Who knows if it was a lot of dick. It was probably an average amount of dick for an average amount of time.)

For Rachel’s date they go cross-country skiing, and she is piss poor at it. She keeps falling over, but I don’t blame her because those skis are tiny! Have you ever seen cross-country skis? I think I always picture snow shoeing when people talk about that shit. Verrrrry different.

Then they go into a yurt and drink hot cocoa out of ancient terra cotta mugs I assume someone dug out of the fucking frozen ass ground in the middle of the night last night. Do they not have Crate & Barrel in Finland?

The most rustic shit I’ve ever seen. So they talk, and Nick reminds her what a complete fucking psycho she was during that weird tequila-fueled volleyball game in Bimini, and I’m still wondering what the fuck went down that day. I guess we’ll never know.

Next they ride in a sleigh pulled by reindeer, and look how god damn happy this reindeer on the left is for them:

Dude is straight up SMILING. That is the exact same face I make when I see two old people sitting on a park bench. I just beam while staring directly at them with no regard for social norms at all.

Rachel decides she wants to spend the night in the fantasy suite, and I am truly and utterly LIVING for her penguin onesie right now.

Like, this girl was packing for The Bachelor and was like, “You know what I’ll bring for the fantasy suite? These dope ass penguins.” Did she bring a nightie or a lace bra or thigh-highs? Nah, just penguins. I literally cannot stop taking pictures of her.

For Vanessa’s date Nick just wants to have fun, which is sort of the opposite of Vanessa’s thing right now? They’re going to take a cold plunge and I’m here to tell you this would not be my activity. Cross-country skiing in tiny ass skis, please! I can’t do cold water. I started hyperventilating in a waterfall in Hawaii. IN HAWAII.

But Vanessa is excited about about this ice hell, because they’ve done lots of cool things together like go up in space. UM, let me stop you right there. You did not go to space. You flew in a plane that simulated zero gravity. I’m pretty sure you flew up to like, half the altitude of a real plane. Space. SMH. You ain’t never been to space, gurl.

So they cold plunge, and Nick’s nips could cut a bitch right now.

Here is also a good time to note that Vanessa’s body is borderline irritating. Her thighs are smooth as shit and her skin is looking very ELASTIC, which is something I’m trying desperately to achieve but I doubt the can of Coors light in front of me and my overall lackluster attitude about fitness is helping. Look at her!

Vanessa’s legs are as flawless as a just-opened container of Greek yogurt. Me? Cottage cheese.

In a hot tub, Nick tells her that her family is very traditional and he is not. She takes slight offense to this and keeps shouting the words CORE VALUES at him while saying all she wants to do is eat lunch for three hours every Sunday with her Italian famiglia.

I mean, I am always into a three hour lunch. It sounds like a multiple course situation and I’d like to hear more about it. HOWEVER, she has got to stop with the CORE VALUES shit. We get it, you won’t budge on them. You’re not being very FUN right now, Vanessa.

Nick tells her that he doesn’t want to move to Canada because he is proud to be an American, where at least he knows he’s free. I gawk at him, but Vanessa seems to like what she’s hearing, because her body language is telling me she’s all horned up right now.

Nick is worried that because of their similar hard-headedness they will fight a lot out in the real world, and I personally think their first fight should be over the giant pocket on his sweater.

At the rose ceremony all the girls stand terrified, probably wondering if they’re going to shit their Spanx. Also, I have never thought to arrange rugs like this in my entire life:

Look at those rugs! Completely lawless.

Nick sobs as he gives Raven a rose, then Vanessa. Rachel is basically like, really dude?

She’s sad. He’s sad. Nick cries again because he loves crying.

While Rachel is muy triste in the back of an SUV, Nick is off posing like he’s on a billboard for a Criss Fucking Angel show in Las Vegas.

Next week… well I assume some fucking DRAMA goes down next week, but I don’t even know because they’re obviously saving the finale preview for the end of the Women Tell All. So without further adieu, since I know you guys are lazy fucks and can’t bother to click two separate links, I give you…

 

Women Tell All recap: “Babies Take Naps”

We kick off this shit show with footage of Chris Harrison and Nick crashing Bachelor viewing parties across the nation. I’m kidding, they crash the ones happening in LA. (The budget’s a little tight by the end of the season, ya dig? Lottt of helicopter rides to pay off.)

So they crash these viewing parties, and I’m 99% sure I am looking at myself in 20 years:

Hell, it’ll probably be me in 10 years if I’m being totally honest. Maybe 5.

THEN they visit the Backstreet Boys, who are sipping sparkling rosé and watching the Bachelor on a random TV in a warehouse?

It is VERY ODD and if you think the TV looks strange as hell, it’s because the TV wasn’t actually on when they filmed it. It was just a square with green screen on it so they could add whatever Bach footage they wanted to it later. Lil’ Hollywood inside information for you there.

Back at the Women Tell All special, Chris introduces the girls one by one and I am immediately struck by someone supposedly named “Elizabeth,” who I have never seen before in my life and who moments into this shit three people have texted me about asking who the fuck she is.

I personally think this “Elizabeth” character is a hired actor and ABC is trolling the fuck out of us by making us think she was really on the show. Also, Alexis admits that her dolphin costume was, in fact, upon further inspection of gills, a shark. You can’t win em all, guys! You really can’t.

But now we’re off and running, and the girls cannot hold back any longer. They need to go in on Corinne. Sarah starts with, “Corinne, I don’t judge you as a person whatsoever, but-“ …UM, I hope the next half of that sentence is, “Butterflies are neat,” because otherwise you are a god damn liar. Sarah is judging her AS she’s saying she isn’t judging her. It is amazing.

Now Jasmine speaks up and talks about how babies take naps (duh) and it’s like welp, at least Corinne didn’t choke the fuck out of the guy she was trying to date, ya know what I’m saying?

She knows what I’m saying.

It doesn’t even matter what any of these jelly betches think, because Corinne is entertained by all of it and remains the queen of my heart. She finds this shit as hilariously entertaining as I do.

Nobody feels like she is ready for marriage and I want her to turn to them and ask how their hometown dates went. Oh, you guys didn’t have one? K.

Suddenly “Elizabeth” tells Corinne that she was a bit of a slob kabob, which is a term she should trademark immediately. Start screen printing tank tops, darling! This is your ticket outta here!

But now we move on to Liz. Remember crazy Liz?

She seems less crazy now but it will never take away from the fact that she told us 35 times that she slept with Nick at JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING. Bang whoever you want, wherever you want, girl! You do you.

Now it’s Taylor’s turn in the hot seat, and apparently Josephine and her purple ass lips do NOT like her, because as we watch Taylor’s non-love story play out Josephine gives the biggest eye roll ever.

All the girls tell Taylor that she was a pretentious bitch and Taylor just responds with, “No.” I would LOVE it if people sat me down and were like Sam, you are a terrible dresser and I just replied with, “No.” (Then skipped out of the room in ghost-print socks and a sequin top hat.)

As Taylor listens to the not-so-constructive criticism, she does this with her tongue:

It makes me uncomfortable.  Corinne stands to get herself some champs, because she feels the heat circling back to her soon and I admire a girl who plans ahead.

Turns out she got her dranky drank just in time, because four minutes later Taylor and Corinne are SCREAMING at each other about naps. Hand to god, they are screaming. About naps. It is glorious and I am smiling ear to ear. Corinne is like BITCH I WAS TIRED, and there is really nothing you can say back to win that argument. She was tired, so she slept. Doesn’t take much emotional intelligence to string that logic together.

Corinne then surprises everyone with CHEESE PASTA, and I’m positive that half the girls sitting up there are horrified at the penne doused in parmesan that sits in front of them. I immediately feel at home with the visual, because I’ll make you cheese pasta so fucking cheesey your head’ll spin. I mean, did you ever think you would see Chris Motherfucking Harrison eating motherfucking Raquel cheese pasta? No. You did not.

Now it’s Russian Christina’s turn to talk, and things get way less fun and cheese pasta-y. She is still upset about Nick, but thankfully some of her former friends from the orphanage in Russia reached out to her after the show and they reconnected or something, so it turns out that watching The Bachelor is basically like working for Habitat for Humanity. (Except not at all.)

But it’s time for what we’ve all been waiting for: Nick facing the music.

Someone named Lacey comes in HOT with the questions and is like, “You were talking to me about Josephine the whole time, were you friend zoning me?” and I hope that as a grown ass woman I will never have to say that to someone. Lacey has some pent up ISSUES about this and is oddly riled up about it.

Corinne and Nick talk, and Nick is basically like Hey, girl, and Corinne is like ‘Sup babe. They are the most chill with each other and it makes me so god damn happy.

Nick cries about Christina, but now Danielle L. is crying about Nick. Guys, Nick has a LOT of girls to give closure to, so it’s important we work quickly.

Somebody else asks why he rejected women who possess the qualities he said he was looking for in a wife and I want to explain to these people that just because someone is nice or they’re independent or they’re witty doesn’t mean they make your dick move. Remember in 6th grade when you liked a boy and he just did not like you back, no matter how many cans of Fresca you bought him during break? That’s what’s happening here. He doesn’t like you.

In other news, the blooper reel is a good time to talk about Whitney’s new super white hair, although I think her name is actually Danielle M.

She looks like a Whitney though, doesn’t she?

We also learn that during one of the group dates Raven fed Corinne like, 40 blocks of cheese, and I have always said that cheese is the foundation of all my adult female friendships.

Finally Rachel comes out and talks to Nick, and it’s actually adorable and lovely. Also, she has apparently begun the process of Bachelorette beautification, because she looks slightly different than she used to.

I assume that if I were selected to be the next bachelorette (“Never in a million years!” -Everyone at ABC), they would immediately be like girl, let’s get you some FACIALS and also a BETTER NOSE. She looks good though, so whatever full-face threading and super intense teeth whitening they’re doing to her is working.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here. 

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Next week is the FINALE, and I’m sort of wondering if Nick will crash my viewing party? And by viewing party I mean me in a face mask with sopping wet hair, dirty martini in hand.

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