The Bachelor recap: “I Might Be White But I’m Still A Minority” + Women Tell All

sauna vanessa

Guys. Grab a snack, pour a beverage,  and try to pee, because we are about to settle in for a three hour Bachelor event®, which is longer than I attend most real-life events.

We jump right into the morning-after phase of Raven’s overnight date, and if you’re wondering whether or not he gave her the first orgasm of her sad life, she summarizes the night by explaining that, “Nick is pretty good at what he does, so I’m satisfied.”

raven post sex

I immediately hear myself say ew, while my boyfriend goes, “That lacked subtlety,” before standing up and leaving the room for what I assume will be forever.

Continue reading

The Bachelor recap: “Tastes Like Victory”

ouija board bachelor.JPG

I just want you guys to know that so far I have written 6,296 words about this season of the bachelor. Okay, now 6,304. That is roughly 25 pages of a book. I could’ve been TWENTY FIVE PAGES into the next great American novel but noooo, gotta make you noodles laugh and laugh.

ANYWHO, we left off last week with Corinne and Taylor battling it out while snuggling under a shared throw blanket. Taylor tries to explain what Emotional Intelligence is and Corinne is like welp, everybody thinks you’re a bitch. Corinne 1, Taylor 0.

Continue reading