The Bachelor recap: “Tastes Like Victory”

ouija board bachelor.JPG

I just want you guys to know that so far I have written 6,296 words about this season of the bachelor. Okay, now 6,304. That is roughly 25 pages of a book. I could’ve been TWENTY FIVE PAGES into the next great American novel but noooo, gotta make you noodles laugh and laugh.

ANYWHO, we left off last week with Corinne and Taylor battling it out while snuggling under a shared throw blanket. Taylor tries to explain what Emotional Intelligence is and Corinne is like welp, everybody thinks you’re a bitch. Corinne 1, Taylor 0.

Corinne immediately rolls on Taylor to Nick. She tells him that Taylor is being mean while they sit in front of the greatest stack of firewood in all the land.

corinne-nick-firewood

At the rose ceremony, it looks God damn freezing. I’m from Chicago. I know COLD, okay? These babies are standing in fucking CLOAKS as Nick hands out the roses, their breath practically crystalizing before their very eyes. Look at Sarah’s breath:

bachelor-breath-cold

Speaking of Sarah, she gone. As is Astrid and her ginormous bazoongas.

Nick announces to the rest of them that they’re going to New Orleans, and I get very excited because New Orleans is one of my favorite cities on the great sphere that is our planet, and I swear to fucking God I had the best day of my life there last summer. But this is NOT ABOUT ME, right? …Right? Or is it? No? K.

Rachel gets the one on one date and says she’s nervous even though she, “Never gets nervous.” Love you girl, but people who say they never get nervous are god damn liars. Are you saying you do NOT get nervous when you see that there is only one Wild Feminist bomber jacket in stock but your credit card is in your office and you’re in the middle of a meeting in a different room and can’t fucking remember the CVV code? Ya right. We’re ALL sweatin’ then, bae.

Anyway so they go on this date and Nick is SO into her. I am also into her. She is adorable.

rachel-new-orleans-date

It is here when I realize Rachel is going to be the next Bachelorette. She’s gorgeous, she’s nice, she’s normal, and if this franchise doesn’t put some real diversity into its programming shit is going to hit the fan. (Shit will not hit the fan at all but Jesus Christ, guys, it’s 2017. Let’s get a person of color up in this dark twisted fantasy you call The Bachelor!!)

Rachel and Nick eat beignets, and Nick is obviously having a glorious time with his pastry.

beignet-1beignet-2beignet-3beignet-4

Bro, you are covered in powder. This is not fucking Scarface, this shit is not sexy.

Next they dance in the street while the other girls watch them from their hotel room up above. I absolutely LOVE it when they force the girls to watch a one on one date from afar. It is so fucking rude of ABC to make them do that, and it just makes me giggle with joy. (“Do you think those fireworks are for them?” –A teary eyed rando every season)

watch-from-above

Then Nick and Rachel eat dinner on what appears to be the set of Clusterfuck On Ice.

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On the group date, Nick takes them to an old house and asks, “Who here believes in ghosts?”

who-believes-in-ghosts-bachelor

At this point I am cackling. Like, OF COURSE these girls would all believe in ghosts. Guys, ghosts are not real. I know you want to say that they might be, or you don’t think they are but just IN CASE you don’t want to piss them off, but like, come on. LET’S GO, GHOSTS!! NOW’S YOUR CHANCE TO STRIKE ME THE FUCK DOWN! LET’S SEE IT! (I paused writing this recap for at least a solid minute and nothing has happened to me besides being one sip fuller of Pellegrino.)

So they go into this haunted house and immediately drink mint juleps, because nothing screams TERROR!!!! Like a refreshing cocktail. Then the “caretaker,” who I’m assuming is working diligently to become SAG-eligible, comes out and talks to them about an 8-year-old girl named Mae who died in the house and is looking for her doll. Um, likely story.

creepy-doll

“I’m in a glass case of emotion and also a glass case in general!!” -This doll

The caretaker keeps being like DON’T TOUCH THE DOLL and these betches look genuinely freaked out about it.

shark-girl-scared

Jaimi meanwhile is like, actively trying to find this little fucking girl and at first I think she is amazing and I’m shouting, “Kudos, girl with a septum ring!!” into my TV but then I hear her say that she doesn’t believe in ghosts but she DOES want to respect them and I’m like nevermind, you lost me.

PS, this is apparently a painting of the dead child:

ghost mae bachelor.JPG

You’re telling me that girl is EIGHT? She looks 35, y’all. Don’t play.

Back at the hotel, Corinne preps for the dreaded two on one date by drinking Prosecco in a bath tub and ordering copious amounts of cake.

corinne-bathtub

Taylor on the other hand, surrounds herself with candles and inhales soothing oils that I assume smell like lavender and a total waste of money.

taylor-candles

At the haunted house, Nick assures Danielle L. that they’re still solid and, “Absent makes the heart grow stronger,” which is definitely in the BALL PARK of the correct phrase, so B- for effort. (“You’re really nip-picking that one.” –A stupid person)

Also Danielle M. and Vanessa like, want to adopt this dead little girl now? They feel calm around her spirit or some shit and I’m at the point where I’m like Nick, you gotta send literally everyone in this haunted house home. You can’t marry these people. You have to just pick between Rachel, Corinne and Taylor now.

vanessa-danielle-m

Raven and Nick talk, and Raven tells Nick she’s in love with him. It seems very awkward but then she’s like yeah, I said it, whatevs and I kind of love her for it. Yas, girl. Own it.

Danielle M. gets the group date rose, because Nick needs her to know that he still likes her even though I’m pretty sure he doesn’t still like her.

But it’s time to move on to the big show, the two on one date. Corinne and Taylor are both THRILLED ABOUT IT!!!!

corinne-taylor-2-on-1

They get to the middle of the fucking bayou and all my friend Jordan and I can talk about is how much bug spray I hope to fucking God they are wearing. I can’t with the water bugs.

So they sit with this woman and she reads their tarot cards. I’m pretty sure if someone read my tarot cards they would say, “Ah, yes, the PIZZA card!”

The readings for each girl sound a lot like exactly what is happening in this episode, which only proves that all of this is 100% totally legit and spooky. Corinne calls Taylor a swamp monster and I’m even more convinced than ever that magic is real.

Corinne talks to Nick and tells him that Taylor is a bully who called her stupid, and Taylor does NOT seem pleased about it when Nick confronts her with the information.

taylor-pissed

Oh also? Corinne makes a voodoo doll of Taylor and we watch her stick pins in it.

Except this voodoo doll does not look anything like Taylor, and truthfully looks EXACTLY like me when I wake up on a Sunday after hitting the hooch too hard the night before.

voodoo-doll-bachelor

You would be surprised how yellow and feathery my hair looks in the morning.

So now Corinne and Taylor are absolutely furious at each other, and Corinne can’t understand how Taylor is a mental health counselor and Taylor can’t understand how Corinne runs a multi-million dollar company and it’s like guys, I feel like neither of you do either of those things?

Corinne gets the rose, because honestly Nick’s dick doesn’t twitch for Taylor. I mean that’s just really what it’s about sometimes. It is very awkward.

rose 2 on 1 date.JPGhappy-boat

But then we cut back to Taylor in complete fucking darkness STILL ON THE ISLAND and I’m like oh lawd, something’s about to go down. This is not normal.

taylor-wtf

Taylor then of course shows up at Corinne and Nick’s dinner to explain herself or light Corinne on fire or who knows what, and Corinne is immediately like, “AHHHH!!!” It is glorious. They both might go home. We don’t know. NEXT WEEK, everybody. Next week.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here

You can also follow me on Twitter if you are so inclined.

Also shark girl, the only person here whose name I cannot remember, makes out with Nick while he’s wearing a Nicholas Cage mask to help her get over her fear of the actor and I’m here to tell you that while she’s in New Orleans she should visit the weird tomb that Nick Cage has already purchased for himself in one of the city’s many above-ground cemeteries. I am serious, dude has already purchased a tomb for himself and I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. Shit’s cray.

BONUS FOOTAGE, here are two selects from the haunted house that I took without having a real clear PLAN of where they’d go in the recap:

weird painting.JPGdeer

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