Bachelor in Paradise FINALE Recap: “Will You Freakin’ Marry Me?”

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Guys, as much as I’ve loved providing you with the absolute HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR WEEK with these insane ramblings, I’m sort of ready to get back to my regular life. (“But you don’t have a life…” –Everyone I know)

We launch into paradise with the morning after the fantasy suites, when everybody is sexed to all hell and hopped up on mimosas and fear about the future.

Lace and Grant basically wake up going, “Did we get tattoos too early?” They need more time to figure out this relationship before they get engaged, but Chris Harrison’s magic hourglass is empty, kids. You don’t get more TIME!!

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In Nick and Jen’s room, Jen is looking forward to a proposal, which is crazy because they have literally zero chemistry. Did they have some intensely passionate relationship that the editors decided to leave on the cutting room floor? I just don’t see it!!

Meanwhile Evan goes to meet Neil Lane in a see through shirt.

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That shit looks exactly like something I would walk out of the house in and my boyfriend would go, “Are you wearing that to work?” to which I would respond with, “YEP, WITH MY TITS OUT.”

Anyway they all meet with Neil Motherfucking Lane, and Neil is tired of seeing Nick, ya know? But joke’s on him because that sparkly, rich ass dude is going to see him at LEAST one more time on the Bachelor!

So now we’re onto the proposals, and we start with Evan and Carly. Evan is SO INTO IT and is SO IN LOVE WITH HER and if you aren’t tearing up during this god damn thing you actually do not have a soul.

evan-happy-cute-proposecarly evan proposal bachelor in paradise.JPG

Precious. Now Grant and Lace are up next and girl is nervous. He asks her how she’s doing and she responds with, “I want to throw up,” which makes me laugh and smile and oh man I am having a BALL watching this finale!!

We aren’t sure where he’s going with this long ass speech but as soon as I hear the words, “I want to have babies with you” I know this beanpole is getting down on one knee. He does, and she is happy as a clam. Aw, love.

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Also this whole finale is starting to feel like an episode of Oprah. (“And you get a ring! And YOU get a ring!!” –Oprah, overshadowing Chris Harrison in his own fucking arena)

Now it’s time for Jen to get dumped. She should know she is about to be dumped right away, because Nick does not look like someone who’s about to propose.

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He tries to explain himself but he literally CANNOT SEE. The sun is going fucking super sonic on his ass, and he is literally blinded by the light.

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So here he is, squinting like a maniac while crying and breaking up with her. He is ALL OVER THE MAP on this one and Jen maybe still has hope?? All I know is my best friend Natalie is sitting next to me and she keeps saying over and over, “He can’t even look at you” which is SUCH a good sign that a man is breaking up with you.

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Jen’s gone, Nick’s sad, and now it’s time for Amanda and Josh. Let me just point out that this is Josh’s second time proposing on television. That’s kind of weird, isn’t it? To have proposed on TV twice? Hm.

He gets down on one knee and when she puts on the ring he says, “There’s diamonds everywhere,” as if he actually paid for this fucking ring. First of all, you were given this shit for FREE so no need to feel like you have provided anything for her at all yet and second, you know what “diamonds everywhere” means? The same thing as “no big diamond” so yeah, no gracias.

But they are over the moon, and Josh is SWEATING. Like, SO MUCH SWEAT and I am now freaking the fuck out and every time she touches him or he lifts her up I am absolutely horrified at how wet he must feel and I just CAN’T. I can’t.

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Love bugs, it’s been real. Thanks for reading, and get pumped for Nick’s season, which I will be recapping with GUSTO. Until then, come back to my site for hilarious GIFs and MEMES and all the other dumb shit I post errDAY!

Read last night’s recap here. Or other ones here

Or follow me on Twitter.

And don’t forget to check back next Monday, September 12th for my recap of Miss America 2017. Or Monday, September 19th for my recap of the Emmys! Can you believe I have a real job on top of all this buffoonery?! LYLAS.

Bonus footage as a parting gift, Ashley I. crying a lot:

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