Here I sit, patiently waiting for a new episode with my arms folded neatly in my lap, wondering if Nick and Jen will go the distance even though I already know they don’t. Or if Josh and Amanda’s love can transition out of paradise, even though they’re on the cover of Us Weekly gabbing about how they’re living together now. SIGH. Are there no surprises anymore, guys?? Part of me is also like, remember Chad?
The most exciting thing going on in paradise right now is that apparently Nick got a care package from ol’ Robby that included a pair of Robby’s insane swim trunks.
Then the chicken enthusiast shows up, because these Bachelor execs know how to make good television. She literally is only there so that we can all have a chuckle (dare I say cluckle?) about how there was once a chicken enthusiast on this TV show. Someone probably had to go through files and files of forgotten suitors to finally pull her out and go, “She probably still doesn’t have a job, she can come to paradise for a random day!”
She has a date card but again, her only purpose is for chicken laughter so she gives the date card to Nick, who asks Jen out. We already know he is the next Bachelor, so America is ready and excited to see this shit crash and burn.
They go to a carnival and get their fortunes read, and this cryptic bitch is basically like welp, these cards are bad.
Nick looks like he could use a Xanax. But they talk, and turns out they’re still okay. Look how cute they are on the rest of their date:
LOL. I’m kidding, they’re actually sucking face in the parking lot. Back in paradise, Brett likes Lauren instead of Izzy. Aw, snap! So he dumps her ass.
Then SUDDENLY she’s like oh shit, I messed up, I miss Vinny. Really, girl? You only miss Vinny when you get dumped? Anyway so she leaves in a heap of emotion and CALLS VINNY. From the van. This seems like it should be a PRIVATE conversation, no?
Vinny picks up going, “New phone who dis?” because he literally does not have her number in his phone. She pours her heart out to him and he is basically like nah, bitch. Not into it. He saw that shallow shit she pulled, leaving him for some hottie with a lamp! He’s not down with girls like that, okay? He’s done.
She is now having a full on panic attack and they have to pull over on the side of a Mexican highway. It’s going to be a longgggg flight home for Miss Iz.
Meanwhile at the pre-rose cocktail party, Wells has some decisions to make. Jami, or Ashley? I guess Shu’s in the running too but she knows she doesn’t have a shot in hell, so she leaves. It’s here I realize that she has her tongue pierced! In 2016!
At the rose ceremony Josh gives his rose to Amanda, and then they make out while Chris Harrison watches from the corner like a creepy chaperone at a 5th grade dance.
We go through the usual roses before getting to Brett’s, who starts by holding his and going, “Um…” So that probably doesn’t bode well for these betches. Turns out he doesn’t like anyone, so he’s outtie.
Wells is up and Ashley is so nervous that she does the same panic breathing that I do on an airplane during takeoff.
But in a twist of a twist, he gives his rose to Ashley!! She is so happy that she is now eating her rose. EATING IT.
The next day Chris Harrison gathers all the couples up and is basically like look, if you don’t want to marry this piece then you need to GTFO of my palapa. The fantasy suite is for SERIOUS COUPLES ONLY.
Wells is now concerned, mostly because he thinks that Ashley has been holding out for the right person to take her virginity, when in reality I think she’s been looking for ANYONE who will fucking take it at this point. Jen asks Ashley if she would sit on Wells’ face and I am dying and now officially love Jen.
Ashley thinks Wells would be good in bed, which is so something a virgin would say. You can never, EVER tell how someone is going to be in bed. You think you know, you think you can tell, but it’s always a fucking crapshoot, okay? It is. But the important thing to take from all of this is that Carly lost her virginity to a guy named Chip.
Ashley wants to get engaged to Wells, but Wells wants to dump her and so he does. She’s kind of like really, dude? Rude.
But we must press on!! On Grant and Lace’s date, Lace has the longest legs known to man and I’m very jealous of her for it.
Like, look at her legs! Meanwhile I’m here sitting on my couch having LITERALLY just finished a chocolate Snack Pack. Yes, I’m up to my ears in pudding while this chick looks like a god damn model. Sigh.
They go into a tattoo parlor and now I’m sweating. They aren’t REALLY going to get their couple name, Grace, tattooed on their wrists, right? RIGHT?!! BUT THEY DO!!! I am screaming. Just pure, guttural screams into my television. Like, NO. Do not do this.
On Jen and Nick’s date, I spend the entire time darting my eyes from Jen’s body to the empty Snack Pack container and lid, which is LICKED CLEAN, on my coffee table.
They seem to be having an okay time but it’s like guys, you are boring. Nick is the new Bachelor. Can’t we just edit out this entire storyline? Fucking YAWNZ over here.
Carly and Evan go on a date where they put paint all over each other’s bodies and it is very enjoyable to witness.
They are like, the most in love. It is precious and they are going to have so many fucking babies!!
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We don’t get to the good shit until tonight, when everyone has sleepovers and mashes their fuck parts into each other, and then some people propose and others cry and some people propose AND cry. FINALE NIGHT, Y’ALL. GET YOUR WITS ABOUT YA.