When was the last episode of The Bachelorette, 9 years ago? I suppose it feels like forever because all time is now measured in pre-Bachelor in Paradise shut down, and post-Bachelor in Paradise shut down.
Last we left off, creepy Eric was fucking pissed as shit at Lee, the cackling maniacal cabinet elf who pushes more buttons than a god damn astronaut. (And ya, I’m pret-ty sure astronauts push a lot of buttons.)
At the cocktail party, Lee tells Rachel that when his grandfather got cancer it really bothered him. While Lee is saying dumb ass obvious shit, Dean sits with the producers and is basically like look guys, I’m not saying Lee IS racist, but I AM saying he isn’t used to hanging out with… people of this… cultural background.
It is great. Top notch interview. But now Lee and Kenny go at it because Lee interrupted Kenny and Rachel, slash is a slimy little shit. (Have I mentioned that I think Lee has a tiny penis? Because this is truly tiny-penis-behavior, ladies. Know the signs.)
Brady is very concerned about all of this, and I’M very concerned about the fact that Brady might be from the movie Life Size and is actually a Ken doll whose hair Lindsay Lohan brushed once so now he’s a live person.
Because of all the drama, Peter is currently “avoiding groups,” which is something I have just now realized is missing from my resume. But suddenly Rachel is upset, overwhelmed by the pressures of the show. Even Chris Harrison has to step in and be like babe, let me know what you wanna do! You can literally do anything (except anything outside of your iron-clad contract).
At the rose ceremony Kenny gets the second to last rose and Lee gets the final rose. Bye Bryce, bye Brady, bye Diggy. So NOW Rachel’s weird meltdown is making sense to me. Girl didn’t want to keep Lee, okay? She’s smart, she knows he’s a fucking racist ass pod person. But the producers made her keep him and she was fucking mad at them for it. Right? God dammit I am a fucking genius. (Also, champagne drunk!)
It’s on to South Carolina, where a golfing mother welcomes them with joy.
The boys lug their 40 million checked bags to a hotel, and the second they get on the balcony my friend Jordan goes, “They’re about to shout something,” literally as they scream RACHEL!!!!!
It makes me giggle to think of a group of men shouting, “SAM!!!” from a balcony somewhere.
Dean gets the first one on one, and they sit on the hood of a Jeep Wrangler drinking champagne and spilling it all over themselves. Well, mostly Rachel spills it but she’s a free spirit! She can do those kinds of things (and yet when I spill alcohol everywhere I’m “interrupting the work day” and “going to be arrested.”)
The next part of their date includes going on a blimp, and poor Deany is afraid of heights. I mean I get it, you know how I feel about prop planes, but let’s be real. A blimp is the sperm whale of air travel. That shit does not move quickly. So they go on this blimp, and do all blimps have one fucking wheel?!
What the FUCK am I even looking at? That shit is WEIRD and now I totally get why Dean is apprehensive, because like… I don’t know, man. I don’t like that one wheel situation.
Rachel on the other hand is loving this shit and is like LEMME DRIVE! while throwing her legs around like there aren’t sensitive levers all over the god damn place.
But they land safely (ON ONE WHEEL?!), and go to a fancy dinner under a tree, where Dean explains that his mom died of breast cancer when he was 15-years-old. It is very emotional, and although the guys back at the mansion think that brosef isn’t mature enough for her, I’m pretty sure he just sealed the deal to make top 4 so eat shit, Bryan!
However their date is not over, because what is a date without a no-name country star serenading them while they pretend to know who the fuck he is?
I swear to god if Dean says something about how he, “Can’t believe RUSSELL DICKERSON is here,” I’m going to turn off my TV. (I’m kidding, I would NEVER do that.)
On the group date Alex, Anthony, Peter, Brian, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Iggy, Eric, Will and Josiah (TOO MANY, PRODUCERS. TOO MANY ON THIS DATE.) go on a boat and drink from silly straws like they’re at a 12th birthday party.
Everyone is proud of their bodies and Peter freestyles about farts. Rachel, meanwhile, is just living her best life.
Look at that bitch! Yas, girl.
After the boat ride they have to compete in a spelling bee, which is probably what half these fucks wrote on their application under, “things I would be piss poor at.” The first word of the day is SQUIRT, because comedy. Kenny can’t spell champagne, and Eric can’t spell façade.
It’s bad, and Rachel is like what?
Josiah wins and gets very excited about his trophy even though the bottom of it says “Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee Champions” as if this were some sort of team effort. You’d think since the show MADE THE TROPHY they could’ve, you know, made it singular.
Josiah begins drinking heavily out of his trophy while Eric asks Rachel for a hug. I hear myself go UGH, because gross. I don’t care how much C-H-A-M-P-A-G-N-E a girl’s had, if you ask for a hug she’s not going to S-Q-U-I-R-T. (See what I did there? I used words from the spelling bee!!)
By now, Josiah has soiled himself.
Iggy talks to Rachel, and because he is “protective of her” he tells her that nobody likes Josiah. Look bro, I wanted to like you, you seem very nice, but you can’t be a fucking snitch. Snitches get stitches. I can’t stress it enough. So of course Josiah gets back at Iggy by telling the world that Iggy shoots steroids into his nut sack. Great.
But the Kenny/Lee feud must reignite, because it’s the racist glue holding all of this together, distracting us from the Bachelor in Paradise circus of uncertainty and fear.
Lee tells Rachel that Kenny was aggressive towards him, so now Rachel has to get answers from Kenny. She says she could hear him yelling when she was in the candle room, and…
…Um, let me stop you right there. Y’all got something called The Candle Room? It has just now, for the first time ever, occurred to me that they probably have nicknames for all the mansion rooms. Like The Gross Kitchen or The Room With All The Fucking Area Rugs. Amazing! I’m going to give my own names to all the rooms from now on so buckle up, loyal recap readers.
Basically this shit is To Be Continued because Lee and Kenny are about to battle to the motherfucking death next week in a 2-on-1 date. I just hope Lee stops doing the weird mouth-clicking thing he’s doing that is obviously annoying everyone in The Nautical Bar Room.
Peter’s body language!! Dead.
Can’t wait for next week’s TWO PART EVENT™ to see who stays. And oh yeah, doesn’t Jack Stone have a date? Lolz.
And follow me on Twitter, maybe.
Bonus footage, Josiah being the people’s champion: