The Bachelor Recap: “I Was Like, Meant To Meet Ben.”

jojo brother bachelor mean

Bringing a guy home to meet your family is cool until four seconds after you walk in the front door. Then everyone starts being so them and it’s like eeeee we should get going!

Amanda gets the first hometown date, and we know it’s going to be all about dem tiny tots. It’s pretty presh, except Ben almost lets one of her children wander into the ocean.

ben amanda kids beach bachelor

Little Charlie screams for the entire duration of the car ride home and it’s like good, let it out, babe. Show Ben what he’s in for because if he thinks parenting is all fun and octopus sand toys he’s got another thing coming.

At this point Ben looks COMPLETELY fucking wiped and is probably wishing it was his nap time too. Kids, amiright? Fak.

Amanda’s dad starts their conversation by going, “So, um…” which is basically the only thing a father can say at a time like this. They talk, and here is Ben realizing that he is in over his head:

ben amanda parent lol bachelor

Yuuup, that’s the face of somebody ready to be a father.

On Lauren B’s date, she takes him to a food truck and I have to say that is the fucking move, girl. I took my boyfriend to a food truck the other day and we shared a bratwurst AND a smile.

ben lauren b food truck hometown

Lauren is stoked because they’re just “eating lunch, walking around,” which is truly the crux of every relationship. Pepper in a little couch sitting and that honestly is like, ALL it is.

I assume they are killed by a rogue food truck and have drifted off to heaven, because they are now in a whiskey bar that cannot possibly exist on this planet. Mama like.

whiskey bar bachelor hometownwhiskey bachelor bar amazing

She brings him home to meet Dave, Christie, Bryant… everybody!! In what can only be described as he whitest, most picture perfect family I have ever seen in my life. They are the cover of a board game’s god damn DREAM.

lauren b family white

Seriously, Chutes and Ladders should take this image and photoshop their product into it.

Also Lauren has a hot sister. Ben can’t put into words how he feels about her (Lauren, not the hot sister), and he is now crying real tears. I am CRINGING but her sister fucking LOVES this shit. Look how into it she is:

lauren b sister bachelor

Lauren tells her parents that Ben is her person and now SHE’S crying. And now I’M crying! (JK, the only thing I cry for is Biggest Loser makeover week and I need to take a decongestant after that beautiful magic.)

Also this is every father trying to talk sense into his kid/that same kid wanting NONE OF IT:

lauren b dad hometown bachelorlauren b hometown dad

Nice try, Mr. Bushnell! Also Lauren totally fucking bails on saying I love you to Ben, and I want to call her a pussy until I realize that if I were on this show trying to say I love you to someone I would just stand there making very strange and uncomfortable facial expressions. (All of my friends are nodding at their computers going yep, that’s Sam.)

He leaves and it’s on to Caila and this god damn bench she’s obsessed with.

ben caila hometown bench

They go to her dad’s TOY FACTORY, which is fucking legit as HELL. A toy factory? Yes. They’re going to build this house and I’m thinking ya know, a doll house. Instead they build like, one of those plastic Playskool houses you keep in your yard that after it rains gets all wet and shitty. Ben is oddly pumped about it though so what the hell do I know about plastic fucking houses.

Everyone is happy for them, including this applauding factory worker.

toy factory bachelor caila

We meet her parents, and I can’t stop giggling at her father. I honestly don’t even know why. He is just cracking me the fuck up tonight.

caila dad bachelor

Caila cries and says things like, “Daddy, I know this is it.” She also refers to her mom as mommy fifty thousand times and I don’t know why it is creeping me out to my core, but it’s probably because she keeps whispering it like a god damn psychopath.

caila smiling bachelor

I’m suddenly convinced she’s too smiley and may eventually turn into that woman from Misery, but that’s my marijuana-induced paranoia for you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, Ben!! Did somebody just knock on my door??

We’re onto Jojo’s date, which starts with her getting a bouquet of roses. This makes me immediately wary because of said paranoia, but also because you and I both know Ben gives out one rose at a time.

She reads this letter, slowly realizing that it’s not from Ben. Umm, what the fuck is going on and WHO the FUCK is CHAD. Also what grown ass man named CHAD does his L’s like that when writing the word love? Something is fishy here. Might be the tilapia I ate for dinner, but I think it’s the CHAD.

who is chad the bachelor

Apparently her ex has had time to think while she’s been gone for 39 days (let it sink in that all these betches have only been away for 39 days). But was Jojo WITH CHAD 39 days ago?? So many unanswered questions. Also fuck these Bachelor producers. She legit thought Ben was saying I love you and it turns out it was fuckin’ CHAD!

She cries and explains to Ben WHO THE FUCK CHAD IS and here is his face as she does so:

ben jojo chad

Thrilled. Anyway they’re off to Jojo’s parents house, which is a total shit hole.

jojo mansion dallas bachelor

Her brothers hate him (“He’s no Chad!!” -One of them, I’m sure). But you know what? I don’t care if they hate Ben, because I hate them. Now we all hate each other.

Jojo’s mom is like yeahhhh this is a little much for me, and swigs straight from the god damn bottle of champs like a woman after my own heart.

jojo mom hometown bachelor

One of the brosefs is like “I don’t know if you were coached on your answers…” Basically he is grilling Ben like a fucking sirloin. I’m sure all Ben wants to do is be like hi, remember how we’re on a TV show? K.

At the rose ceremony, Jojo’s body is BANANAZ and they all stand there like wax wife mannequins.

final four bachelor hometowns

Lauren B. gets the first rose, then Caila. Nice knowin’ ya, Amanda. Ain’t nobody gonna give up on Jojo’s fine ass. She could belong to the fucking Manson family and 10 out of 10 bachelors are bringing her into that fantasy suite.

Amanda is irritated that he sent her back to LA only to send her home again at a rose ceremony. I FEEL HER and think this is an excellent point until I realize she lives like, not that far from LA. Maybe an hour and a half.

amanda cry hometown bachelor

Next week Ben says I love you to two women, which is throwing me for a LOOP. Is that allowed? There are rules, you know. I think. Aren’t there? Shit.

Check out more of my recaps here.

Emmys 2015: What’s An Olive Kitteridge?

amy schumer emmys

Ah, to win an Emmy. (Somewhere in the Hollywood Hills Emmy Rossum throws her clenched fists into the air as she quotes Princess Jasmine- “I am not a prize to be won!!”)

We start off with Andy Samberg’s musical number about how he’s watched every single show on TV this year, except he leaves out the one he actually fucking stars in, Brooklyn Nine Nine. You play detective Jake Peralta, remember? His opening monologue is very TOPICAL but let’s be real, I don’t need to hear another Kim Davis joke for the rest of my life. Over her, over her long ass hair.

The first category is supporting actress in a comedy series, and there are SO MANY NOMINEES. I mean, holy shit. It’s like you’re having a super cool birthday party and only want to invite a few girls but have to include everyone in the class because you’re in 2nd grade and that’s just how it’s done.

Allison Janney wins, which is great because she’s been one of my faves since 10 Things I Hate About You when she played a principal writing an erotic novel and she kept referring to the guy’s dick as his quivering member. “Judith! What’s another word for engorged?”

Veep wins for writing, and also for supporting actor in a comedy series. As Tony Hale walks up to accept his award, the narrator chick (who usually says things like, “This is Tony’s second win and third nomination”) instead shares this fun factoid: “He was so excited about his nomination that he forgot to take his daughter to camp.” Um, cool story, bro. Do you really think that when Tony motherfucking Hale sits at home and replays his Emmy moment on the DVR he wants to hear you talk about how he forgot to take his child to camp? (I hope none of these people ever “replay their Emmy moment.”)

Jill Soloway wins for best comedy director for Transparent, and this bitch right here walks up and immediately thanks Goddess. Fuck yes, girl. You do you. Jimmy Kimmel eats the envelope for comedy actor, which is given to Jeffrey Tambor.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus of course crushes it for Veep, and it’s here that I realize she DOES NOT AGE. Like, at all. Is not currently aging. Do we know what type of moisturizer she uses? Is it at all possible that she bought it for less than ten dollars at CVS? No? K.

julia louis dreyfus veep win emmys speech

We’re onto the Limited Series or Movie category, which I am totally confused about until it dawns on me that they used to be called Mini Series. Guys, it’s fine to keep calling it that, it’s not like the word “mini” diminishes the ten thousand famous actors in it and makes it less special. Stop mystifying me with your word trickery.

So, what IS an Olive Kitteridge? Something we should all be watching, I take it. Everyone who ever did anything for that shit wins an Emmy, including my home girl Frances McDormand who continues to be DOPE AS HELL.

PS, um, the Emmys were sponsored by the movie The Intern? Seems a TINY bit ironic that a movie is funding the biggest celebration of television in the world. Everybody’s all like fuck movies!! Movies suck! …Except The Intern, in theaters September 25th.

Also the screen on stage is SO FUCKING HUGE that these people might as well be watching this shit from home. They’re all just staring at this fucking screen! Do you see Andy Samberg in the bottom left? That is how outrageously humongous this screen is. I cannot get over it.

emmys screen stage andy samberg

We must have moved into Variety Series, because now The Daily Show is winning everything. Someone I used to work with wins an Emmy and although this is great news for him I feel physically ill and think I am going to throw up. (“Just because I’m sitting on my couch doesn’t mean I am less successful.” -something I will repeat to myself as I down another vodka tonic and contemplate my dwindling checking account.)

Hmm, I wonder what category we’re onto now? If only there was some sort of visual cue to help me understand…

emmys drama category

Game of Thrones wins for writing, Peter Dinklage for supporting actor. Uzo Aduba wins for supporting actress and CRIES A LOT. She is adorable, but that speech was a little cray cray. I am not the only person who feels this way because suddenly my phone is buzzing next to me as I cram another wedge of brie into my mouth.

uzo aduba speech emmysuzo aduba emmys win speech bitmoji

Responding in Bitmojis is really the only way to live. Anyway Viola Davis wins best actress, and Jon Hamm finally wins a fucking Emmy after SIXTEEN NOMINATIONS and this is how he gets up on stage:

jon hamm emmys win stage funny

Beautiful. Veep and Games of Thrones are the big series winners, but really in my heart of hearts the winner is me because I get to see Tracy Morgan present an award. I LOVE YOU TRACY, YOU ARE A SHINING STAR IN THE GALAXY OF LIFE.

The main things I took from the Emmys were: an extreme sense of envy, and the realization that walking a red carpet in 100 degree weather is fucking funny to watch (SO much blotting) and next year the Emmys should take place on the surface of the sun.

Everyone in their thousands of dollars worth of crap silently cursing about how badly their thighs are chafing? Count me in.

Check out more of my show recaps here.