The Bachelor Recap: “Whose Weave Is This?”

ben amanda rose

What’s the quote from Zoolander, “If you pull the thread, the whole thing will unravel?” That applies here.

The girls get to Mexico and Olivia is thrilled because 1) there is no doubt in her mind that she loves Ben and 2) there is a bidet in her bathroom.

olivia bachelor crazy face

Amanda gets the first date card, which doesn’t make sense to Olivia because Amanda has kids and Olivia is pretty sure Ben doesn’t want Amanda’s kids. OLIVIA MOTHER FUCKING HIGGINS knows everything about her husband, okay?

Ben wakes the girls up at 4:30 in the morning to get Amanda for their date, and I know immediately that they’re going on a god damn hot air balloon ride because that’s the only reason anyone on The Bachelor has ever been woken up in the middle of the night.

Lauren H is ill prepared for Ben’s foyne ass, as evident by the fact that she didn’t take out her retainer or get a manicure.

lauren h retainer

Amanda and Ben go up into the sky and Ben pretends to know things about world history and it’s very LOL.

ben amanda hot air balloon

Even though Amanda had a bad marriage and says the word like a lot, she gets a rose.

On the group date they’re going to cook and also act like complete psychos on national television. Jubilee immediately starts busting Ben’s balls and it was cute at first but now it’s like girl, no. If there’s one thing guys don’t like, it’s being emasculated in front of all ten of their girlfriends.

Olivia grabs Ben to be her partner for this cook off and the girls are IRRITATED about it. But you know what they say, early bird gets the D. She thinks they have “electri-citAY” and says things like, “Ben and I are on a high right now.” If Ben heard that I bet he’d be like bitch, don’t speak for me.

We cut to commercial, aka the most RANDOM Bachelor-themed McDonalds ad of all time where Catherine feeds Sean Lowe French fries and Chris Soules whispers sweet nothings into Ben’s ear. It is SO FUCKING WEIRD. But jokes on me, I’ve had a few cocktails this evening and now that you mention it, McDonalds sounds absolutely delicious.

ben bachelor mcdonalds commercial

Back on the date the girls are still muy salado (translation: salty as shit) about Olivia being Ben’s partner so they talk about Olivia’s bad breath again. Emily hypothesizes that this is why Ben took Olivia to eat mint leaves and I have to say, that is sound fucking logic. That sly shit is exactly the type of genius I would pull on a date with someone suffering from severe halitosis.

Also Ben has made out with SO MANY GIRLS on this date. Look at all these girls:

ben olivia bachelor kisscaila ben bachelor kissbecca ben bachelor kisslauren b ben bachelor kissjojo ben bachelor kiss

Jubilee finally gets to talk to Ben after giving off a full day of FUCK YOU!!! vibes. As soon as she stands up I say quietly to myself, “Be nice, Jubilee. Be nice.”

She talks about how she isn’t the Lauren Bs or the Beccas or the JoJos and she’s suddenly given me three incredible names for a girl band. (“Everybody give it up for The Beccas!!!!!” Crowd goes wild.)

Turns out Jubilee is a bit too complicated for Ben’s ass, so he’s got to send her home. This is the first real DUMP of the show and I have to say realizing that there are nine more to go gives me a tingling in my toes like I just shot up heroin. So exciting!! (…And addictive and I might be going down a bad road.)

jubilee dumped bachelor sadben jubilee dump sad

Olivia gets the rose on the date and Ben basically has to pick everyone’s lipsticked mouths off the floor because they are as shocked as I am.

Also Lauren H gets the final date card and seems to be pleased with herself.

lauren h date excited

According to Ben they’re going to engross themselves in fashion and she is so excited about it she says, “Holy shoot!” That is the actual phrase she says, out loud.

She walks the runway at Mexico City’s fashion week and ya know what, Imma give her credit because if my dopey ass walked down a runway with actual models it would be BLATANTLY OBVIOUS which one of us was the normie in the group.

It’s time for the rose ceremony, except my DVR is getting suspiciously close to the end of the recording and I know some bullshit is about to go down right now.

Here are a couple things that happen right away: Ben promises JoJo he won’t blindside her (100% chance he will) and Lauren B tells him she could see a life with him. Like a life, life. A life life life life life.

And finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Amanda talks to the girls about her custody schedule and Olivia flat out says, “I feel like it’s an episode of Teen Mom.”

UMM…

lauren b olivia teen mom

At this point my eyes are so wide I have to make sure they’re going to stay inside my skull. Amanda goes, “Excuse me?” and Olivia REPEATS HERSELF as if Amanda was being serious and didn’t fucking hear her. Olivia says AGAIN, “It’s like an episode of Teen Mom. You know, that show…”

I’m not entirely sure why, but this makes Emily cry. Hard. She’s very emotional about it.

emily crying bachelor

She talks to Ben and is like, girl needs to GO.

So now all the girls roll on her. One by one they are like yeahhhh, Olivia is a fucking bitch and we hate her. Just ratting her out like you knew they would. In the final minute, Ben asks to talk to Olivia and here are their faces as he does that:

mean girls bachelor

Amanda knows what’s up, because just before a big TO BE CONTINUED pops up on the screen she goes, “I think she’s going home.”

Rose or not, I’m bettin’ serious ca$h that it’s time to say goodbye to Olivia. Next week.

Check out more of my recaps here.

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