The Bachelor recap: “Everyone Is Rubbing Their Ass On Him Right Now”

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You might’ve spent your MLK Monday picking your nose and Liking videos of goats befriending anteaters or some shit, but The Bachelor takes #NoDaysOff, OKAY?

Since last week was To Be Continued, they have to back this ish up and refresh our memories about LIZ, DUN DUN DUNNN. Remember her? He kicked her to the curb, but she’ll probably still put “MET AND FUCKED NICK VIALL AT JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING” on her headstone (she’s already purchased the plot next to Nick’s great grandmother).

Anyway so the house is starting to find out about how he boned Liz a year ago, and Russian Christina explains it to some other girl who I’ve never seen before in my life.

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Is she a PA? Who is that person? Nick comes clean about it while wearing a FUN TIE, because nothing says, “Oopsie daisy!” like actual flowers.

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He keeps it simple and is basically like, “WELP, I put my P in her V.”

What he probably doesn’t anticipate, is that now he has to spend the entire pre-rose cocktail party re-explaining the whole P in V shizz to every fucking girl one at a time. I’m telling you right now there is no pussy in the WORLD that is worth discussing with 800 other women. (Also, spoiler alert, ladies: Nick fucked A TON of girls this year. You’re getting worked up over a drop in the over flowing, disgusting STD bucket that is A Reality Star Between Shows Right Now.)

Nick tells Danielle L. that she’s one of the girls he’s, “very intrigued in… I mean on…” Dude cannot figure out this phrase to save his fuckin’ life so I’m sitting here with a whiskey in hand shouting, “Intrigued BY!” at my television, because although you may think my strongest skill is writing Bachelor recaps, it’s actually being a drunk asshole.

Meanwhile Corinne is planning something I’m going to enthusiastically dub a Trench Coat Surprise, which I assume is also the name of drag queen Carmen San Diego’s opening number.

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She takes him to a futon cushion she’s put in the mansion driveway to seduce him and the producers do the most lazy ass job of covering the label on a Redi Whip can.

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Ah, the magic of Hollywood! So anyway look, there’s no good way to sugar coat this, Corinne puts whipped cream on her tits.

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But suddenly gurl is SOBBING. Like, hiding behind closed doors, makeup running, bad shit.

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It’s here I realize that we have missed something. There must have been some super awkward exchange that they edited out for time or some bullshit because otherwise baby needs to check her meds. Something’s not right and I vow to GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT!! (I’m not going to look into it at all.)

Corinne, exhausted by her own emotions, sleeps through the rose ceremony and has everyone wondering if are you technically allowed to miss it if you already have a rose?? I’m convinced this is somehow against the rules but then remember the ten billion times Chris Harrison has put his hands out, palms up, to say, “There are no rules here” so it must be fine.

The next day the Backstreet Boys show up at the mansion and the girls have literally zero chill.

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I was an *NSync fan myself, so this is not very exiting to me. Had Justin Randall Timberlake or Chris Something Kirkpatrick walked in, I would’ve shit my romper.

As the minutes roll by, Nick Carter trying to be the star of a very bad acapella of I Want It That Way, I realize that I am the Kevin of my friend group. Just standing behind my peeps, not cool enough to really be IN it.

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Yep. That’s me. On the group date the girls have to be backup dancers at one of BSB’s upcoming shows and sober AJ McLean tells them they have to be good because there are going to be 500 PEOPLE there! I’m sorry, but more people are reading this fucking recap right now and I’m not even famous. (I blame Kevin for the poor turnout.)

Corinne is sad because she’s a horrible dancer and to be honest I can’t empathize with her at all because I am a terrific dancer. But I don’t even know what she’s bitching about, literally none of these baes are doing anything in unison at all.

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At the end of the show Danielle and Nick get picked to be serenaded onstage, and I cannot think of anything more awkward.

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Later, Corinne explains her piss poor attitude to Nick by saying she just doesn’t like Planned Dancing. HA! Planned Dancing. What a great term. I’m going to rename my flash mob Very, Very Planned Dancing. (It used to be Sam and the After School Snacks.)

As soon as Nick goes off to talk to someone else, Corinne falls asleep again. As insane as this seems (“DISRESPECTFUL!” –Every other girl there), I do admire a girl who gets her shit done and then takes a snooze. These betches are just jelly they didn’t think of it first!

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Look at her! Dreamin’ about what a great job she did today. It is at this point in the episode when the girls become aware that Corinne has a nanny. Below you will find the visual representation of, “Say what now?”

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The thing is, Corinne NEEDS Raquel to make her cheese pasta because she doesn’t know how to do it, although I’m here to tell you if you want some fuckin’ cheese pasta, show up at my house unannounced when my boyfriend is having a bro night at Buffalo Wild Wings because I will be balls deep in some fucking cheese pasta. I’ll teach you how to make it, babe. (The secret is garlic salt. That, and calling it mac and cheese.)

Vanessa gets the one on one date, and she is slightly worried about what it entails.

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Nick assures her it’ll be fine, they’re just going on a zero gravity plane to experience weightlessness! OH. HELL. NO. Here’s a little inside tip for you guys. This is my nightmare:

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My palms are sweating just watching them and if I don’t shove a spoonful of Cookie Butter into my mouth right now I’m not going to be able to sleep for weeks. (To the people who I have just enlightened about Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter, I expect a hand-written thank you note in no more than six days.)

Nick explains how zero gravity works by starting with, “When the plane is nose diving…” and I think I’m going to pass out. The only beacon of hope in this date is if Vanessa gets to keep those cool socks, which look comfy and lovely and I am interested in just purchasing a pair without the plane nose diving thing?

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So they’re up there floating around and kissing while Nick looks like he’s laid out on an invisible fucking couch. It is great.

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But then, uh oh, Vanessa is starting to feel barfy. I feel you, girl. I can’t even read a text message in a car without the urge to upchuck.

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He comforts her, makes her feel better about yaking in several barf bags, and it’s sort of sweet but truthfully if I were her I would be like STOP TOUCHING ME. Do not rub my back. Be a team player, sit on the other side of the vessel, and figure out how you can sneak a few more pairs of space socks into my purse for me.

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They go to dinner and Nick is actually in love with her, to the point where he’s CRYING about it and it’s like okay guys, let’s cut the lights, send everybody home, show’s over. They practically already have a child named François Viall and a cute little house in KE-BECK.

On the next group date, the girls go to a track dressed like a Fabeletics ad without the one thing that sells those dumb ass clothes, which is Kate Hudson’s slammin’ bod tricking people into not being able to cancel their subscription.

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As they compete for Nick’s love with high jumps and long jumps and maybe even some average-type jumps, Dominique is starting to unravel. She’s had no alone time with him and she just can’t take it anymore!! But she HAS to take it more, because Astrid and her ginormous flopping boobs get to spend time with Nick in a hot tub.

At the cocktail party, she finally gets to talk to him and is immediately like WHAT THE HECK, NICK?! For not giving her a chance or something, I don’t even know. Nick doesn’t have time for this bullshit so he sends her ass home. He’s fucking ruthless as hell.

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The next day Chris Harrison announces that there won’t be a cocktail party because Nick wants a pool party instead, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why.

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So while the girls frantically check that their lashes are glued on tight, Corinne orchestrates the arrival of a bouncy house. If this isn’t falling in love then I don’t know what is:

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She straddles him in it, upsets all of the other girls, and promptly falls asleep, so you know the next part of this story is RETALIATION.

Raven tells Nick that Corinne has a nanny, which just goes to show that Raven has never heard the phrase snitches get stitches. But then everybody else talks about Corinne too! Who would’ve thought that a god damn bouncy house would be the the final straw for these broads. Trench coats and whipped cream, sure, but a BOUNCY HOUSE? Too far.

It’s Vanessa’s turn to chat, and she tells him she is NOT THE ONE. She’s like dude I’m not judging Corinne for being a whore, I’m judging your punk ass. I am now screaming. Yas, kween!! Do you have someone to go to the women’s march with this weekend?!! We should be friends!!

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I love every second of it and Nick does not.

But time’s up, folks. We have to wait until next week to find out if Nick can muster up a logical response to this bad bitch.

Until then, read last week’s recap

Or my latest short story, A Girls Weekend With Beyoncé and Michelle Obama.

Bonus footage: The dolphin girl gets a rose and tells everybody to get the fuck out of her way and I love her more and more with each passing day.

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One thought on “The Bachelor recap: “Everyone Is Rubbing Their Ass On Him Right Now”

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