The Bachelorette Recap: “The Spicy Child”

final four bachelorette

I hope Jojo’s got a power bar hidden in her sweet tits, because girl is going to need ENERGY for these hometowns.

We start in Colorado with Chase, because Chase is boring so we need to get it out of the way. They drink hot cocoa on a blanket and this view is probably the most interesting thing about him so far all season. (“Thanks, mountains!” -Chase)

chase colorado bachelorette

He tells her that his parents got divorced and that she’ll have to meet them separately because shit kind of hit the fan, and in response Jojo asks if the divorce was bad. Umm, yeah, Jojo. It was. That’s why you’re meeting them separately.

They chill with his dad, and we immediately learn that Chase’s house doesn’t have banisters.

chase banisters bachelorette

I mean, that is not safe. My boozey ass would be spread eagle with a sprained ankle in NO TIME.

Jojo meets his mom, who is serving up former beauty queen/suburban MILF realness:

chase mom bachelorette

Because of divorce pain, Chase and his siblings can’t say I love you and they start a debate about how it’s just a word but it’s also MORE than a word. Honestly it’s a fucking downer.

chase cry tear bachelorette

Can’t we just reminisce about your weird sex yoga date and keep it moving??

In Aaron Rodger’s brother’s hometown, Jojo is on crack. Girl is SO excited that she scares all the deer in the area, which in turn scare her as they run scared. Now I’m scared.

jojo deer bachelorettejojo deer 2

They go to his high school and he pushes Jojo up against ANOTHER WALL to make out with her. He is literally obsessed with making out against walls. They kiss surrounded by YA novels and what I assume is at least one copy of It’s Perfectly Normal.

jojo jordan library bachelorette

Jojo asks why nobody in his family talks to Aaron and he tells her that it doesn’t need to be a topic, which is bro code for can it, bitch.

At his parents house, ol’ Darla tells Jojo that Jordan is her Spicy Child and as she’s listing off adorably diabolical things he did as a youngster his father whispers, “He kicked his teacher,” so to answer your question YES, everything is totally fine and normal at the Rodgers house.

Jojo can’t take it any longer, she is going to bring up Aaron because he’s kiiiind of the reason this feather-haired motherfucker made it on the show, ya know? Here’s how his other brother handles the mention of He Who Shall Not Be Named:

luke rodgers bachelorette

They’re all hurt about it and now Jojo’s hurt about it. She defends her man by saying, “He is NOBODY’S BROTHER,” which is sweet but factually inaccurate.

At the end of the night she tells him that she’s crazy about him but also doesn’t believe that he wants to be with her forever. It’s his hair, guys. It just screams, “I FUCK A TON OF GIRLS.”

On Robby’s date he only has the bottom button done and it is freaking me out.

robby shirt buttoned

His best case scenario for today is that she tells him she loves him and I hear myself say to the television, “Not gonna happen.” Lofty dreams, you nautical sonofabitch.

They hang out in this historical Floridian town where apparently everyone dresses like pirates.

townspeople

Fine, it is POSSIBLE they are in colonial garb.

Jojo grills him about his ex-girlfriend (you know, the one he dumped four days ago) and he assures her that it’s over, it’s done, he hasn’t thought about her ONCE. That is what we industry people like to call an oversell. You haven’t thought about her once? You are a fucking liar.

But it’s time to meet his parents! So they up and leave full drinks on the table. Who leaves FULL drinks?? What are you, a god damn billionaire? It is honestly alarming to order a drink and leave so much of it there.

drinks bachelorette

Robby describes to his parents how close they were to fireworks on their date by saying, “Literally ashes falling in our eyes,” which sounds like my nightmare.

His mom then sits him down and tells him that there are rumors circulating the great US of A that Robby dumped his girlfriend Hope to be on the show. Ooooo, juicy!! If they pull out a second InTouch weekly of the season, I will die.

Now he’s gotta explain this shit to Jojo. Great. He says all the drama is just a flash in the pan and people are stirring things up, so now I’m thinking he’s not only communicating with the woman he loves but is also pitching a new show, Cooking Up Drama with Robby Hayes. I am positive the next thing out of his mouth will be, “Don’t bay leaf her. She belongs in the garbage disposal, you’re the Le Creuset of my heart.”

upset jojo robby bachelorette

It’s time for her date with bowlegged Luke, and I just want to point out that he is bowlegged because as a child his bones literally grew around a horse’s body. That’s a real thing that happens to cowboys and it is blowing this city girl’s DOME RIGHT NOW.

Jojo thinks Luke’s silent confidence is a panty dropper and I’m not gonna argue with her. Sure, his face has some weird angles but I’m taking his quiet ass over Robby and his god damn boat shoes ANY DAY. (I’m sorry, Robby. I’m not sure why I hate you so much.)

She shows up to meet Luke’s family and he has neglected to mention that they scheduled this shindig on the same weekend as his family reunion.

luke homeotwn bachelorette

LOOK HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE THERE. What the WHAT. But joke’s on me, everyone in Luke’s life is lovely and his parent’s 38-year marriage is a shining beacon of hope for us all (“Don’t say the word Hope!!” –Robby).

After she meets everybody they sit on a couch made out of hay.

hay couch bachelorette

I mean, that is ridiculous. It is absolutely insane to construct a hay couch with actual throw pillows on it.

Anyway he brings her to this… set up? How do you describe this?

heart path bachelorette

The whole point is for him to say I love you and he says other things but not THE thing. She has his heart, okay? Isn’t that enough? (Spoiler alert: it’s not.) I’m watching them walk towards her car and if he doesn’t say I love you I’m going to break my TV, which is actually a projector so I would technically be breaking the drywall of my apartment.

The rose ceremony is on a tarmac that has been decorated with various old-timey boxes, and I really do wonder what the budget is on a show like this. How many flameless candles can you expense? Do they file receipts into a folder labeled rustic odds ‘n’ ends?

tarmac set bachelorette

The four of them stand like mannequins fresh off the assembly line, and Jojo tells the producers that she needs to say goodbye to Luke. Um, exsqueeze me? I am so ready for M. Night Shyamalan to pop out of one of those decorative boxes like, “GOT YA AGAIN, SUCKAZ!! TWIST!”

boys on the tarmac

Luke asks to talk to her and finally says he loves her. Ya know, the thing he forgot to say before.

Now girl is like, stressed. She walks down the tarmac (please don’t get your head chopped off by a landing plane, babe), and she’s having a full blown panic attack in a beautiful blue dress. And of course, it is To Be Continued…

We’ll find out next week if Jojo takes a shit on the tarmac. That’s what’s happening here, right?

jojo freaking out 1

Tune in next Monday for a TWO NIGHT EVENT™, where Chase’s ass get dumped and we sit down for the Men Tell All! Is Chad going to threaten Derek? Will Evan get a random nose bleed? How’s Wells been holding up? Can’t wait.

Read last week’s recap here. Or others here

You can also follow me Twitter, oh em gee!!

BONUS PIC: Luke’s grandfather. Please love and cherish him as I do. Thank you.

luke's grandfather

One thought on “The Bachelorette Recap: “The Spicy Child”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s