Hot DAMN I look good. Now! Back to my chips and salsa.
Hot DAMN I look good. Now! Back to my chips and salsa.
Look at all those tiny ass suns.
Never. As hot. As Beyonce.
Hope you stuffed a granola bar in your pocket, ‘cause this emotional roller coaster is about to get stuck at the top of a huge ass drop. I’m sweating already.
We’re in Jamaica for the FANTASY DATES, and Ben is doin’ a lot of thinking before he sees these women. He’s also climbing what I can only describe as a poor man’s Machu Picchu.
Caila’s date is first and they go rafting on one of the rivers I think Ocho Rios, Jamaica is named after. (Not to brag about my education, but I happen to know that ocho rios means eight rivers.) Also, I want one of these wooden rafts with the bench (we know how much Caila loves benches), but I truly would have NOWHERE to put it in my apartment.
So they’re on this date and I’m going to be honest with you, it’s a little awks. Caila is starting to freak the fuck out because there are other betches still in this thing and look, honey, when you’re right, you’re right. Ain’t no way in hell I’m cool as a cucumber when I know my man is also dating Jojo and Lauren B. Thanks for the fun dates, I’m gonna go pack my bags. It’s been a really neat journey.
Ben is having a great ol’ time on this fucking raft, as evident by him saying things like, “I’m a 26-year-old man who’s like a kid right now.” Not to hate, but the word man should be used verrrry loosely when talking about a 26-year-old. Men are not people who JUST started paying for their own health insurance, you feel me?
Caila says I love you and can “feel it in his breath that he feels the same.” I don’t want to feel a god damn thing in someone’s breath, not even love. I like a dude’s breath to be pure nothingness. Or whiskey.
They kiss in the water and all I can think about is how many fucking blue gels these production people are using. (A gel is a filter you throw on a light to make shit a certain color. Pret-ty high tech.) Anyway they are TOTES USING THEM HERE.
They take the fantasy suite key to “forego their individual rooms and spend the night together as a couple,” which is Bach producer talk for they be fuxsin.
We’re onto Lauren B.’s date and girl is in some tiny ass shorts. He’s stoked on it, and their activity for the day is RELEASING BABY SEA TURTLES. Guys. Real talk. These tiny baby sea turtles are the cutest little nuggets I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s possible that the 2.5 tequila shots I’ve done since I started this program are contributing to my mood but hand to God I could burst into tears at any moment watching these little suckers.
Ben tells her he cried to her hot sister when talking about her and she thinks it’s muy adorbs. Now’s a good time to also mention that Lauren B.’s body is pretty bangin. Doesn’t ooze sex like Jojo, but as my girl Jordan (who diligently watches with me while I pause the TV 50,000 times to take screenshots) says, “Like, she works out.” Yas, Jor. Speaking truth.
Lauren is tripping balls because she wants to say I love you and somehow can’t, but then she does. This is the part in the episode I was talking about earlier. We are juuuust getting to the top of a rickety fuckin’ carnival ‘coaster and that shit is about to lock up and keep us dangling there for the next 1.5 hours.
She goes, “I am completely in love with you.” His response, like everything he says, starts with, “Um.” But then he pulls that shit together and SAYS I LOVE YOU BACK. This is some CUTE SHIT right here. Reallll fucking cute. As I shovel the last of a taco into my mouth (it was Mexican night at my house, okay? Sometimes we theme it) I hear myself say, “I’m having a lot of feelings.”
Now that Ben’s told her he loves her, he says it 95 more times. Can’t stop saying it! Even the next morning after what I assume was some passionate bonin’ he looks at her dead serious and is like, “I do love you.” Boy is so fucking in right now. Trouble’s a-brewin.
It’s Jojo’s date, which means it’s helicopter time! The Bachelor’s bread and butter.
Meanwhile Jordan and I are sitting on my couch discussing MEN. And THEIR BEHAVIOR. Because Ben just had maybe the realest night in Bachelor history with Lauren B, confessing his god damn LOVE for her, and now this is happening:
Another thing that’s happening is Bachelor editors are painting in bikinis again. They took one look at Jojo’s side boob and someone was like, “Nope. Open up Kid Pix and get the taupe-colored paint brush!” Look at this painted side boob:
Jojo tells him she loves him and he, SUPER CASUAL, says it back and she does a literal double take. Girl is like wait, what? And then she legit tries to cover her face and whispers, “Are you allowed to say that?” Because like I said last week, there are RULES on this show and when you go wackadoo on Jojo and me, it gets very confusing for all of us.
Then they make out in front of a waterfall.
This, in my mind, is where Ben starts to unravel. He is in WAYYY over his head and that shit is going to bite him in the ass harder than a mosquito with fucking Zika virus.
They eat at a nice restaurant where let me tell you, they were lucky to get a table. Get it? ‘Cause there’s one fucking table. They don’t eat food but they do sit in front of food and talk, and Jojo is so in love with him that I’m now wondering how in the hell Ben sleeps at night. Then I remember that these dates are all in a row and I’m like shit, this mother fucker has been up for three god damn days! No wonder he’s saying I love you to everyone, he probably said it to his favorite palm tree today too.
They discuss her hometown date and how RUDE her brothers were, and I swear to God for a second I expect Ben to go, “And that’s why I brought them to Jamaica!!” as he turns his head and they appear out of the jungle. Thankfully this does not happen.
Jojo’s body continues to be the definition of insanity and it’s really making me question everything I’ve eaten in the last 24 hours/27 years.
Ben looks into Jojo’s eyes and goes, “We’re on the same page” and I laugh OUT LOUD and want to ask him what kind of page is that? Is it a page in the world’s largest book and you guys are standing a mile and a half away from each other? No way they’re ON THE SAME PAGE.
They go back and forth saying, “You’re cute.” “No YOU’RE cute.” And it’s like guys, it’s settled, you’re both the cutest people I’ve probably ever seen in my life.
Now that all three sexytime dates are over Ben sits in an Adirondack chair and realizes he’s in some DEEP SHIT. Dude is in love with two different women! But Caila’s going to help a brother out by visiting him. Eeeeee! Not going to go well, babe. She sneaks up behind him like the woman of my dreams if those dreams were specifically nightmares.
She is SUPER excited to see him and the crazy comes out in Caila. It’s something I always knew about her. Suddenly Ben is like whoa, bitch, I wasn’t ready to break up with you RIGHT THIS SECOND but now that you’re here and annoying the shit out of me…
They talk and there is always a point in these break ups where the girl knows. She doesn’t even need to hear the, “But…” after he compliments her. It’s seconds before that. Here is Caila’s face as she figures this shiz out:
He dumps her ass and girl is like WOW, you can stop saying nice things to me, this is a terrible moment in my life and I’d like to GTFO of here right now.
She sits in the car and then GETS OUT OF THE CAR and I’m screaming at my TV because nobody GETS OUT OF THE CAR, okay? But she does and she gets out with a vengeance. Caila wants answers. She wants to know if he fucked her knowing that he was going to send her home. The short answer is Yes, but his answer has a lotttttt more words in it that are trying to sound like the word No but don’t quite get there.
Ben is very upset by all of this. I get it, you feel bad, but get your shit together. It is about to get 100 times shittier when you have to dump a girl you said I love you to three days earlier. Suit up.
In the car Caila says she still loves him and it’s like yeah we know, he broke up with you six minutes ago. But I feel for her because she is experiencing all of the sads. She’s also making the exact face I make in almost all social situations:
For the rose ceremony Chris Harrison is back and when I say back I mean he is giving PURE POKER FACE. Cannot be cracked while he greets these women.
Both girls are like hm, where the fuck is Caila. Ben does not explain and hands out roses anyway. Jojo gets the first one, Lauren B. gets the second. This rose ceremony is VERY awkward, mostly because they GROUP HUG after and it is like, triple-cringe. Triple. Cringe.
Next week is the tell all and here are some things I’d like answered: Why did Lauren H. make out with the ventriloquist dummy? Have Haley and Emily’s dachshunds lost any weight? It’s unhealthy for them to be that sausage-y. And finally: Has Olivia gotten her mind right? No? I bet Ben’s pumped.
Read last week’s hometown recap here.
Check out more of my recaps here.
Life is hard, y’all.
Welp, my diet officially starts today. Which meal plan is the one that makes your legs 8 inches longer? Are marshmallows considered carbs?
We open with a montage of the girls backstage, and the only thing that would make it even more straight up 90s would be if someone came out of a dressing room so other girls could give her a THUMBS UP or THUMBS DOWN while she models some type of weird hat.
Behati opens the show and the first theme of the night seems to be a bad mushroom trip I had in college. (How they got ahold of my journals, I’ll never know.)
Kendall Jenner makes her first appearance, which is very exciting even though I feel like I’m going to throw up. Her body is SO GOOD and I’m suddenly extremely aware of all the times I sat on my couch smoking weed while glancing longingly at the resistance bands collecting dust in the corner of the room.
Kris Jenner and her man Corey Gamble are very busy taking footage in goddamn POTATO MODE which is like, the most basic thing you can do at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Turn your phone to the side, guys. It’s 2015. Act like ya been there before.
Meanwhile on what I assume is the complete opposite part of the room, Caitlyn Jenner is sitting next to Logan Huntzberger, so the universe is riiiiight where it needs to be.
Now we’re hearing behind the scenes audio like, “Go! Go! Go!” and “Standby!” from crew members in all black who are sweating profusely as they press walkie talkies to their mouths (I have a very colorful imagination). This audio is TOTALLY NOT MADE UP, movie magic is a myth, what you’re seeing is REAL.
It’s time for The Weeknd to perform and of course goddess Alessandra Ambrosio walks by while he’s singing so I’m pretty sure dude is wishing he had a notebook to hold in front of him right now. (That was an erection joke.)
Kendall comes out for her second outfit and I have to hand it to her bitch is SLAYING IT. Look at the fucking face she is giving right now:
You know who else is crushing it? This girl right here:
Jesus Christ I need to update my wardrobe (“Siri, make a note about buying more fluffy items”).
Meanwhile we’re spending ten thousand hours talking about how to take selfies. This is a long segment, y’all. But Adriana Lima shuts them all down by going, “It’s not that hard” and you know what? She’s right. If you’re me with a wonky eye and a profile that is complete shit, it’s hard. But if THIS IS YOUR FACE:
Selfies cannot be that fucking hard. Like, zero chance. Anyway where the hell is Gigi, right? We’re all thinking it. Finally she shows up and is like hey nerds, this is how you model.
Selena performs and besides some heavy-handed spray tanning and insane colored contacts, she is showing Justin’s big ol’ dick what it’s missing.
Candace aka DAYYYYUM comes out during one of Ellie Goulding’s songs in a sequined number that is giving me so much Britney in Toxic I can’t even handle it. I mean the crown still goes to Brit, but a solid second in the sequined one-piece competition that is held annually in my mind.
It’s finally time for the fantasy bra and I have to say it’s a little meh. Like I get it, shit costs millions of dollars, but it’s never that CUTE, is it? She’s wearing another bra underneath it, so it’s obviously broken.
I will now leave you to rethink everything you’ve ever done in your pathetic, 5’4″ life.
Until next year!
Read my Miss America recap here.
Jess Glynne – Hold My Hand
<<sits at desk. puts bbq potato chips in mouth.>>
No? Still in the 90s? K.
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