Abracadabra! Okay we’ll talk later.
For more info, head over to SamanthaTheLate20sWitch.com.
Abracadabra! Okay we’ll talk later.
For more info, head over to SamanthaTheLate20sWitch.com.
WELL. This season has had more twists and turns than Riddler’s Revenge! (It’s a roller coaster. I couldn’t think of anything better.)
Thank God Tanner’s here to recap us on all the Ashley I-Jared-Jaclyn drama as suspense thriller music plays in the background. They don’t have access to knives in paradise, right?
Ashley I. and Jared have their fantasy suite date and ABC is pretty ON THE NOSE about this virginity shit, as evident by the actual cherries they put in her champagne glass. All she wants is for “everything to be easy” which if we’re talking losing your v-card is a HILARIOUS thing to say. Girl, it’s not going to be.
Back in paradise they’re having a mimosa party (aka what I call Saturdays spent alone in my apartment), and Jorge the Bartender tells Juelia that Mikey is a “man of his word.” Cute, Jorge. Real cute.
It turns out Mikey only wants to be friends with Juelia, so she decides to leave and promptly RUNS around the whole beach shouting goodbye as if her flight is already boarding. The girls are sad because Juelia came here to “find a father for her child.” I’m no Fulbright Scholar, but I’m pretty sure Bachelor in Paradise is not the best place to find a dad for your kid. As usual, I am right.
Jaclyn’s ass gets blurred for basically the whole day, even while she says that Dan has a TINY PERSONALITY. HA! Tiny is a word no man wants to ever be described as, under any circumstances. She thinks that Justin is the “hot ticket in town” and I want to ask her if she has time traveled from some far away land where people say phrases like “hot ticket in town.”
Cassandra arrives and Tiny Personality Dan is butt hurt about how many dates Justin is getting. I bet Justin has a big, thick personality. Jaclyn is salty as shit when Justin revokes his acceptance of her date card and instead wants to go on a date with Cassandra. Really he just wants to get a better look at her boobies.
Now Nick wants Jaclyn’s date card so he can ask Samantha on a date. Except he once conned her out of $250,000 on Bachelor Pad?? I do NOT understand why Jaclyn gives him the date because had that been me I would have laughed VERY HARD in his face and told him to go fuck himself.
Justin and Cassandra fall in love immediately on their date, which is not what happens on Nick and Samantha’s date. But first let’s remember that all the girls hate Samantha and that even though she’s “stunning,” her personality is “terrible.” Get your shit together, ladies. She’s hot and everybody wants her. The end.
Back from their fantasy suite, Ashley I. had an amazing time watching Jared sleep and is now in love with him. Jump cut to Jared saying he’s going to break up with her again and doesn’t think she’s going to take it well. NO, Ashley I?? She’s going to take it SO WELL.
He dumps her while she’s wearing an I’M A KIM tank top which I know is a reference to the Kardashians but I wish she was saying she is part of the Kim family from Gilmore Girls and her mom runs an antique shop. Anyway Jared leaves.
Okay so back to this awkward ass date with Nick and Samantha. They have literally only walked thirty feet on their date and he’s already like, “This is the best date I’ve ever been on” to which she replies, “I’m glad you feel that way already.” ALREADY. Because in her head she’s going um, dude, chill the fuck out.
Chef Josephina flew ALL THE WAY from Mexico City for their date. That’s like me saying I flew ALL THE WAY to Vegas from LA. It’s like, an hour flight. Also Nick thinks that time with Samantha is worth $250,000 and it’s at this point I realize none of these people have jobs and therefore have no idea what money is.
Their conversation is going incredibly well (sense my sarcasm) as Samantha talks about how she doesn’t know who will get roses. She is obviously bored to fucking death and literally WINCES when he kisses her. Television gold.
There will be no cocktail party tonight, and I know Chris Harrison just LOVES dropping those Bachelor bombs. Ashley I. talks about something called a whimsical attachment and now all I’m thinking about is how much I would crush the hell out of some cotton candy right now.
Ashley I. leaves, but not after saying that she “grew up here.” I can’t tell if she’s joking or not, but she immediately sobs her eyes out and calls her sister. Her sister asks if she was in love with Jared and she goes, “No but like, close enough” which is all the proof I need that she has not, in fact, grown up here.
Tiny Personality Dan gives every girl he’s ever talked to some sort of closure speech before leaving without giving out his rose. So now it’s down to Mikey!! Who would have thought. He gives it to Mackenzie, she says no, so now this episode has turned into the Red Wedding in Game of Thrones, because almost everybody is donzo.
Now it’s only couples in paradise, SERIOUS COUPLES, and Chris Harrison tells everybody to meet him in the palapa?? What the fuck is that. Well, let me tell you what it is because I happen to have an AMAZING INTERNET CONNECTION and turns out those little beach huts in the Corona commercials are called palapas. The next time you’re killing it on Jeopardy be sure to write me a thank you note.
Chris explains that they each get a fantasy suite date, and there is no way in hell Sam is stoked on this. With Nick? Ugh. But suddenly we cut to a confessional of Kirk saying he’s been really in his head lately and we all know that means he’s done, he’s out, and this is going to be bad news bears for cruise ship singer Carly.
He asks to talk to Carly and Tenley gets nervous. Tenley, you’ve got good instincts, I’ll give you that. On the way to their talk Carly goes, “Are you breaking up with me?” and he shushes her and she laughs. Because SHE IS JOKING and doesn’t see this coming. Here is her face as she starts to put it together:
And now, I will give Carly the same props I have given many a time to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. As soon as he starts breaking up with her she just goes, “Okay.” Yes, girl, werk. Fucking shut him down. Kirk keeps saying dumb ass shit (“Like I, like I respect you” -one of the gems)
He is now confused as SHIT that she won’t talk to him and just wants to GTFO of paradise. He keeps asking what happened and it’s like you broke up with her, remember? It JUST happened, you couldn’t have forgotten already.
Jade is sobbing, which now makes me wonder if I’m not a good enough friend to my girlfriends. Am I supposed to cry when they get dumped? I usually just start pourin’ the drank.
Carly continues to fucking dominate this breakup by not letting him talk to her, telling him not to touch her, and saying that she doesn’t even know his face anymore. He is like STILL CONFUSED about what’s happening and it’s like bro, not all females beg and plead to get back with dudes. Some of us are just like wow, I gotta go, I have a plane to catch.
Tonight is the SEASON FINALE and I don’t know what’s going to happen but I’m putting money on Tanner proposing to Jade. He knows a good thing when he sees it.
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It feels like FORVER since my last trip to Paradise. Was your week slow too? Time is confusing.
We start with a weird ass intro that feels like a horror movie about crabs. I don’t know what these editors are doing all day (getting high) but I’m pretty sure the phrase, “Keep it CAMPY!” is hanging somewhere in their dark dungeon.
If you forgot where we left off last week and were asking yourself, are JJ and Joe friends again? The episode begins with JJ yelling, “GET THE FUCK UP HERE YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT, LET’S GO.” So no. They’re not friends again. Tenley heard “loud shouting,” and it’s like okay Tenley, you want a fucking medal?
Besides worrying that the season is going to end with crabs waging an actual war on humans, I’m also confused about Jorge the Bartender. He’s sitting in a lounge chair at eleven o’clock at night talking to Joe and I’m like, is he actually IN the show now? Is he giving out a rose this week? (If he doesn’t save Juelia with it that would be so messed up!!)
Sam could not be more clear she is “so not about that drama,” which she says one million times during the episode. She came on BACHELOR IN PARADISE and hates drama. That makes sense.
There’s a rose ceremony tonight, which reaffirms my theory that they are trying to throw us off our game and it is WORKING. A rose ceremony ten minutes into the episode? Looney tunes. (She says, getting up to make herself a vodka ginger beer.)
At the cocktail party, Jade and Tanner want to talk to Joe and Samantha because Tanner has SEEN THE SCREEN GRABS. But he and Joe are in the exact same shirt so the whole time they’re talking I’m distracted by whether or not they’re twins and how weird it would be if they were.
Juelia goes to find Chris Harrison, who is just chilling with a crew guy while holding his dinner jacket over his forearm like some kind of perfect creature. He pretends to give a flying fuck about what she’s talking about, which is that she kind of had a connection with Mikey. Wait. IS MIKEY COMING BACK?? Is this good TV, or is this good TV? Jesus Christ.
Meanwhile Jared is forced to kiss Ashley I. even though it’s clear as goddamn day that he isn’t interested in her, like, at all. Also Ashley is wearing the heart of the ocean.
Did she swim down to the bottom of the sea? Is she a mermaid and that’s why she’s a virgin?? I’m going to need some answers. She says kissing Jared is way better than kissing Chris Soules’ PAPER THIN LIPS and as soon as she said it I died and fell off my couch.
JJ gives his rose to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S, which is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen in my life. But this is the end of JJ’s journey. He misses his home piece and keeps saying things about being multidimensional and having layers and I think JJ should go into web design. Something with circular references and dimensions and shit.
JJ’s departure is war themed, as evident by the insanity of a music selection that plays as he hugs everyone goodbye. Without warning I find myself standing up with my hand to my forehead, giving JJ a slow salute out. We lost a good man tonight.
At this point I’m not really understanding why EVERYONE wants to save Juelia. Does she have the good drugs or something? Dan talks to Carly before his rose, which prompts #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. to call him a GRANDPA. He is a fucking grandpa, and I love the spirit in her! (Should I reach out to her on Instagram and see if she wants to get matching tattoos? Things to think about.)
Megan’s gone, Clare’s gone, Juelia’s gone. Juelia’s crying and goes to get into the Sad Limo but then MIKEY IS BACK, like we knew he would be. Top ponytail has been resurrected.
The next day Jade and Tanner have their date and I’m going to tell you right now there is no way in HELL I’d get in a plane with a propeller. Fuuuuuck that. I’m a jet fuel girl, okay? But they go to a tequila distillery so that’s dope. Are there lime trees nearby? How is salt made? (Life’s mysteries that keep me up at night.)
Some rando named Nick arrives, and I don’t know him at all but I do know that he ALSO TALKED TO SAMANTHA BEFORE THE SHOW. Sam’s face when he walks in basically says it all, which is, “Fuck.”
He immediately asks her on a date and then a super weird thing happens where they go off and talk but she never actually says yes to the date, and then says no to the date the second they’re back with the group. I’m starting to feel lost.
Nick takes #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. on the date and she massages him while talking to a bird. I’m pretty sure this isn’t editing, I think she really is talking to it. Also she’s in a cute ass bikini top that I want.
Turns out these two are GREAT DRINKING BUDDIES. Girl. Is. Inebriated. She’s gone. She’s in the middle of the ocean. She is like a sister to him, but she’d never kiss her half sister, but he’s like a brother she’s attracted to. She can do no wrong in my mind and I love every fucking thing that comes out of her mouth. Who cares if she’s hammered! Nick is boring as shit. She’s just like, passin’ the time.
(In snoozy side notes, Jade and Tanner are falling in love and are going to have beautiful olive-skinned babies.)
Joe is starting to unravel, so I need to go pop some popcorn. He thinks Samantha is going to be the mother of his children (HA) but the whole time he keeps saying to himself, “She’s out of my league. Stuff like this never happens.” Guys, let me do you a solid. If you are ever like hey, stuff like this never happens, you’re probably fucking right. If you ever think hey, it smells like something’s burning, it is. Something is engulfed in flames.
We’re FINALLY back to Ashley I. and Jared and he keeps saying things like “you’re so sweet” and “I love getting along with you,” which is NOT a good sign. I love getting along with you?!??!! Get out your tissues, girl. Jared isn’t over Kaitlyn Bristowe (which is crazy because they broke up like, twelve days ago) so Ashley cries for a very long time.
THEN SHE CALLS KAITLYN. A producer definitely said, “You should tell her Jared’s not over her. You and Kaitlyn are friends. Here, want my phone? I dialed, it’s ringing…” Ashley goes on to tell her that Jared is OBSESSED with her. Kaitlyn’s probably like um cool story, bro. I’m getting bent over by the hottest guy ever right now so I can’t really talk.
Apparently Sam wished Joe a Sad 29th Birthday, because she dumps his ass while sitting in front of a cake with chocolate covered cherries on it.
Joe’s like, “But there hasn’t been any drama all day.” Congrats Joe, you made it one fucking day. One day does not a chill man make.
Tonight’s episode promises Joe coming after Sam with a VENGENCE. Got ya, bitch.
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This shit is getting more complicated than my beauty regimen, which let me tell you has SEVERAL moving parts.
Four seconds in, Juelia tells Sam about Joe’s sneaky ass behavior. Except she says that Joe asked her on a date “right away.” Love ya girl, but no. Not how that shit went down. Remember when he was like, “I don’t give a shit who wants to go on this date with me, I’ll take anyone, who wants to ride horses?” And you were like, “I like to ride horses, Joe.” Sorry boo, but my memory is crystal fucking clear on this.
Anyway Sam thinks this is a “little too much drama” even though she’s the one who’s been plotting with Joe since the dawn of time. (Tanner has SEEN THE SCREEN GRABS.)
So Joe and Sam have this super, top secret conversation where they completely forget they have their fucking mic packs on. Sam sees a cameraman and keeps whispering and I’m going, “BITCH YOUR MICROPHONE IS ON.” They intercut this heavily-subtitled conversation with Sam’s most recent interview, which they play in a dark vignette as visual proof that she is a goddamn liar.
We switch gears as Amber shows up to the house, super excited to date Dan and hang out with her BFF Ashley S. (Cue a producer rubbing their hands together, eyes turning black.) Amber asks Dan on a date and he says yes but needs to talk to Ashley S. about it.
Except that when you talk to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S, she takes no prisoners. She looks straight at him and says, “You’re such a man, but you couldn’t be a man to me.” Bye Dan, your balls just got chopped off and she’s about to throw them into the fucking sand. Also she can tell that one of the birds is blind so she is obviously a sorcerer.
Meanwhile JJ and Megan go on their date and it’s boring and they’re on a boat. Megan says some cheesy ass line about how this is the quickest she’s gotten wet on a date and it’s like HA GOOD ONE.
On Amber and Dan’s date, the townspeople of Puerto Vallarta demand they kiss and I start to panic about the mob mentality of the world. Amber has to walk no fewer than four miles in wedges until they’re finally at some tiny dinner table that I’m pretty sure they could have put a little closer to where they were earlier.
Amber admits that when she’s home watching hot pieces get out of The Bachelorette limos (noshing on some kind of delicious snack, I hope), she marks down the ones she wants to bone by putting a star next to their name. That’s like me telling you guys that while I sit in traffic I talk to myself and pretend I’m being interviewed on the radio. I would never tell you that, it is embarrassing and between me and God. Apparently Dan is a DOUBLE STAR, which is like me telling you I also pretend I’m being interviewed while I put on my makeup. It’s like, not helping.
It’s time for the big bro-down (showdown of bros), where Joe is finna get his ass handed to him. The guys confront him and Joe keeps talking about digging up dead bodies. Somewhere in his pathetic attempt at explaining himself we learn that before everyone goes on the show they submit a list of people they’d like to see in paradise to the producers. Innnnnteresting.
Joe’s list was SAM, SAMANTHA, SAMANTHA FROM CHRIS’ SEASON, SAM. JJ’s had 8 people. I would like to be a fly on the wall in the meeting where someone at ABC takes their headshots and slides them around trying to decide who’s arriving next to BREAK THE HEARTS of the people already there. “Yes! She’ll be basically suicidal at that point. Should we take a coffee break?”
Now Joe and JJ talk with their faces very close to each other. Joe is still a fucking pussy so they don’t fight.
What does happen is JJ says that Joe is a circular reference, which is some complex shit for a hockey player. Jared (been missin’ you, buddy!) caps us off with, “Joe Bailey, from America’s Sweetheart to America’s Most Wanted. One week flat.” You been writing taglines on the side, bro? That shit was fire.
Next week promises more fun in the sun, and by fun I mean tears. What an incredible journey so far!!
Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.
I’ve always said that Bachelor in Paradise contestants are like good martinis: (emotionally) shaken, not stirred. And extra dirty.
We start by “introducing… Jorge the bartender!” Yes, the ringleader of their drunken all-inclusive sex fest is officially part of the opening credits. Good for him! It’s not like any of these stingy broads are throwing singles in the tip jar so I’m glad he’s getting some air time. (I assume he’s repped by CAA.)
Because last week was TO BE CONTINUED… lets CONTINUE. Clare wants to leave but doesn’t want to “walk away,” which is weird because any time I’ve ever left anywhere it was by walking away. (Except one time when I was on a scooter and it was fucking awesome.)
Joe gets Juelia’s rose and we say goodbye to Mikey (RIP top ponytail), Jonathan (RIP yellow sunglasses), and Michael (RIP who gives a shit). Although I recognize that Joe is an asshole, Juelia needs to put these pieces together a little fucking faster. She’s all, “he can’t wait to spend more time with me” and I’m all, “I never want you on my detective team.” (Currently taking applications via Twitter.)
Also Joe says “rose before bros” so I don’t know why Juelia is still sad. She should be mortified she kissed someone who would say that.
What’s awesome is that SAM IS HERE. And Chris Harrison acknowledges that she spoke zero words on Chris’ season and I love him for that. Thank you for keeping it 100, Chris!
Joe and Samantha hold hands immediately, so now everyone is confused and thinks that maybe they’ve talked before and were expecting to see each other here. Oh really, dumb fucks? You thought Joe was just randomly saying “I CAN’T WAIT FOR SAMANTHA TO GET HERE” when he didn’t know she was coming? He knew, guys. He knew.
They’re so hot and heavy that Sam is basically already pregnant with a baby who has long acrylic nails and a thick ass Southern accent. Their date is a photo shoot and Joe’s proud of his dad body even though he definitely shouldn’t be. If I have to sweat my ass off at pilates then guess what? I’m not into your dad bod. The day you stop judging me for ordering gnocchi is the day you can embrace your soft, stupid stomach.
Joe doesn’t really get that the dudes in the house are mad at him so he offers Jared a shrimp quesadilla. Don’t know why I’m including that here, but it feels important.
Also during the course of Joe vs Bros things like, “You’re not villing” are said, which I think is a reference to the word villain and if so I hope you all die in a fire.
Clare makes another appearance when she has a phone conversation with a raccoon. The editors need to chill out with this shit because I bet at least 50% of the (dope-ass) hoes watching this show legit think she is on the phone with a raccoon. It’s editing, guys. She’s talking to her mom.
Also Carly is HORNY. Like, gross horny. They try to make this an interesting storyline where Kirk might dump her but then doesn’t. It is not interesting and they remain the ultimate snoozeville couple. Also he calls her a “pinball machine” and I don’t know what that means.
Jorge the Bartender and Ashley S. talk about Dan and it is perfection. Sadly Dan sees some “red flags” in Ashley but never actually says what the red flags are so I can only assume it’s that she squeezes the toothpaste tube instead of neatly rolling it up.
He talks to her about it and while her glasses make her look like a sexy librarian, it turns out she is actually a BAD BITCH, y’all. Girl takes ZERO bullshit and is like, “Hey man if you’re out, I’m out.” Which is the #1 bad bitch move of the century. No drama, no crying, just bye, I’ve got shit to do.
Megan shows up in Paradise and I almost forgot how dumb she is. Don’t worry, she reminds us with a big, “ALOHA, MEXICO!!” She also calls a sombrero a so-brero and it makes me sad.
Joe finally admits that before going on the show he talked to Sam on social media, texts, phone calls, telegrams, webcams, snail mail, and walkie-talkie. Plus they passed notes in class. People are still like what?!?! Even though it’s the simplest thing in the world and I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.
Juelia threatens the shit out of Joe and says she’s going to tell Sam about what Joe did to her. This won’t make a difference in Joe and Sam’s relationship because anyone who’s ever dated a man knows the first thing Joe will say is, “It was all for you” and Sam’ll be like OKAY! And it will be totally fine.
Also the second Juelia says she’s going to tell Sam, Joe starts apologizing like a fucking pussy. Quietly backing out of that shit like he just walked in on his parents having sex and they haven’t noticed him yet.
It took Ashley I. five episodes not to sob like a motherfucker and I have to say I really, really missed it. Can we get back to that? That was fun.
Already mentally ordering Indian food and pouring rosé for tonight’s fiesta…
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I spent the last six days sitting on my couch (TV off, hands in my lap) waiting for the next episode of Bachelor in Paradise. It turned out to be a GREAT decision, except that I got fired from my job and everything in my fridge went bad.
The first order of business besides wondering if crabs fly (they don’t) and staring incessantly at Mikey’s top ponytail (???), is that Lauren I. is a mistress. I’m not emotionally invested in Lauren I., and apparently Juelia isn’t either because as soon as people start talking about it she goes, “Who’s Lauren?” which is completely fucking priceless.
So now Joshua shows up. Correction: Joshua’s hula girl tattoo shows up. This is Lauren’s last chance at finding love (with someone who doesn’t already have a girlfriend), so naturally she talks about the STD testing they had to do before going on the show. I’m surprised Neil Lane didn’t show up right then and there so Joshua could pick a ring.
Lauren goes home by dragging her suitcase through wet sand which makes no sense at all and wouldn’t even work if she had one of those dope-ass rolling bags with the four wheels. Anyway she’s gone and her sister Ashley WON’T BE FINE. She knows it, we know it, Clare knows it. (Clare’s eyes go dark.)
Joe is here, and everybody thinks he is going to be absolutely hilarious. Turns out he’s about as funny as the murder of Cecil the lion. He upsets Clare, but she doesn’t want any drama so she goes off and cries by herself and then befriends an alcoholic raccoon.
Jonathan (in VERY BRIGHT SUNGLASSES) is pissed that Joe and Juelia are going on a date. He spends the rest of the episode hoping Joe falls off a horse and breaks his leg. I’m not kidding, it’s literally all he talks about for the rest of the show.
Tenley likes Joshua, and also BEARS and BEAR HANDS. Hopefully the next person that comes to paradise is Mark Wahlberg’s lightning-buddy Ted, because it seems like that would be a great match.
Joshua may like Tenley but he also likes Molly, which is not a girl on the show and is instead a super fun drug. All of the saints and angels in the house freak the fuck out and are basically all narcs. They tell Tenley and she is an emotional wreck. At this point I’m not really following because none of this is a big deal to me and I can’t figure out why everybody is crying about the fact that he’s done drugs in Vegas.
Meanwhile Mikey is trying to understand that Clare doesn’t like him. By trying I mean he honestly cannot understand it. Dan’s like, “Clare told the girls that she doesn’t like you” and Mikey’s like, “But how do the girls know?” and Dan’s like, “She told them. I just said that.”
By now we learn that farting Joe is not a “funny, cool, awesome guy” and is using Juelia for a rose, while Juelia is using the show to promote headbands. I’m not 100% sure about that last part, but it’s just a hunch I have. Joe actually wanted Sam to be here, which left everyone at home wondering, “Who the hell is Sam?” (Worth noting that frantic Googling led a shit ton of you to my site.)
In the final moments, Jared asks Clare on a date. Yes. We are finally GETTING INTO IT. Ashley is in extreme emotional turmoil about it while Mikey is still going, “But Clare likes me…” (Dan is rolling his eyes at how god damn stupid Mikey is.)
Ashley simply cannot FATHOM how someone who is 26 could date someone who is 34, even though listening to Ashley sob her eyes out for five seconds is all the proof I’d need that I should be dating someone older. Clare could be 102 and would still be the better option.
Roses will be handed out on tonight’s episode, but I’m going to take a leap of faith and say bye, Jonathan. Bye, Mikey. Nice knowin’ yas.
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This is going to be hard for you to believe, but every time I introduce myself to a guy and say, “I’m Sam” they respond with, “Is that short for Samantha?”
Swear to God, 9 times out of 10. Next time someone says, “Hi, I’m Tom” I’m going to say, “I know this is extremely obvious, but is that by any chance short for Thomas?”
Plot twist! This all changed when an old man struck up a conversation with me in the Starbucks line this morning. You know how sometimes old people can say things to you and you’re left wondering if what they said was nice, or if they insulted you? This happened 12 times in the course of our brief conversation, ending with:
“Your dad wanted a boy, huh?”
“…It’s actually short for Samantha.”