Last night the world was graced with yet another Bachelorette premiere, full of pocket squares and extremely straight teeth. There was a LOT to take in, but I’ve whittled the evening down to ten important bullet points.
- Stuntman Leo is a giant Johnny Galecki with long ass Tarzan hair. And he may have a great bod, but anyone who uses the hashtag #donttakelifetooseriously is a no for ya girl SJ.
- Jean Blanc’s passion for fragrances and his one billion bottles of cologne have forced me to revisit every perfume I’ve worn over the last fifteen years and all of the repressed memories that come with them (Olivia’s 6th grade boat party when Jon broke my heart?! Lord.) They are, in order, Gap’s Dream (duh), Tommy Girl, J’Adore, Narcisco Rodriguez for Her, and currently… well that’s none of your fucking business.
- Virgin smokeshow Colton used to date Aly Raisman. Ya. Seriously. The fuck??
- Becca is NOT here for the guy who knows her from back home but never asked her out before she was famous. I don’t know why she wouldn’t give him a second chance, it’s not like he told her fifty times that he only met her once even though they’ve meet MULTIPLE TIMES… Really driving her point home here, buddy.
- Not a single person has been able to explain Chris’s hairline to me.
- I would NOT pay $22,000 for Becca’s gown, okurr? That is fucking crazytown and honestly the beads make it look kinda scratchy.
- Socks aren’t cool anymore, guys. It’s just a fact. If you show up to ANY of the weddings I’m sure you’re attending this summer in dress socks, kiss your title as Style Icon – Male to the god damn CURB. Socks aren’t cool. Hem the pants short. Show us that ankle hair we so desperately crave??
- Chicago grocer Joe will be on SOME type of spinoff show, no? The internet blew the fuck up last night over his leaving, but I have to assume he said or did some really weird shit to get kicked off so fast. She kept SO many hard 6s and yet he was out! Like honestly, he must have really shit the bed.
- “Male model” Jordan isn’t the villainous hero America needs, but he’s the villainous hero America deserves. I look forward to MANY-A-SOUNDBITE from that fashion forward sonofabitch. Also he looks like he’s made of clay.
- Garrett, who showed up in a minivan, taught her how to fish, and got the first impression rose, is a huge piece of shit. I don’t know how many of you saw this article, but Garrett is a HARD PASS for me, dawg. Joking about feminists, trans people, immigrants, and teen victims of gun violence, while I’m sure is hilarious to you and your trash friends, is not really my VIBE, ya know? It’s also definitely not Becca’s vibe. It’s 2018, bro. Grow the fuck up.
Did I miss anything? Dudes in chicken suits? Cool. This brings me to my next point…
As you may have noticed, this is not a recap. And while I LOVE and ADORE every single one of you precious readers, I think we have come to the end of the road in terms of me writing thousands of words per week about the most dramatic season ever™.
It has been a wonderful three years (read my first recap ever here!), but between writing for Tosh.0, writing for Dirt (who doesn’t love gritty teen YouTube dramas?!) and developing my own projects, things have gotten a bit crazy around here. I’M SORRY I’VE LET YOU DOWN, BUT MAMA NEEDS TO FLY OFF INTO THE SUNSET!!
That being said, I will still be periodically posting lists like this, or even full recaps if the episode demands it (finale?? HOMETOWNS?!). So please check back in! And also I post like, hilarious memes and shit on this website. Did you guys know that? Click Home up at the post and it’s a whole new world of FUN! Maybe.
And because I don’t want you to have nothing fun to read while you’re supposed to be working/recovering from a 3-day weekend, I will leave you with the top 3 highest viewed Bachelor recaps on my site:
- The Bachelorette recap: “The Spicy Child”
- The Bachelor recap: “I’ve Never Had An Orgasm Before”
- The Bachelor recap: “Everywhere I Turn There’s Poop”
Oh! And lest you think that y’all over in Bachelor Nation are my most devoted readers, you may find it interesting that I wrote ONE recap for the show Naked and Afraid, two and a half years ago, and it is my most viewed recap of all time by a LONG SHOT. Like I swear to fucking god every single day a bunch of people read that shit. I don’t know HOW or WHERE they’re finding it, but there you have it.
If you want to read it, here you go: MY MOST VIEWED RECAP OF ALL TIME!!!!!
Or all my others ones here.
Love you guys. I will be back soon! HOLD EACH OTHER FOR WARMTH.