Bachelor In Paradise recap: “Hot Mess Express”

dean sweatin.JPG

Look I get that I’m posting Monday’s recap later than I usually do, but when god gives you a three day weekend, you’re really supposed to soak that shit in. So what did I do? If you were going to guess, “over-ate Chinese food and writhed around in pain,” you would be correct!! That’s EXACTLY what I did.

We last left these sandy vagina beaches with Dean in one hell of a pickle. See, he kind of sort of fucked Kristina and then immediately made out with Danielle right in front of her while she cried and cried. So of course now, the boys must discuss his situation while standing on a heavily decorated bridge.

fancy bridge.jpg

They’re trying to be supportive but they’re also like yeahhhhh you probably shouldn’t have done that? Meanwhile the girls are all shading him to no end, because ew. NOT COOL, Dean. Not some real man shit.

He attempts to apologize to Kristina about it, but he starts very poorly and asks her why she doesn’t want to talk to him and she responds with, “I want to hear from you why you think I don’t want to talk to you.” It’s some savage shit and Kristina is not to be trifled with.

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She explains that she had to watch him swap spit with a fake rack mere hours after he spent the night with her, and instead of being crazy or irrational or panicky she just looks him in the eye and tells him it was really disrespectful.

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I mean, Kristina is a god damn WOMAN, okay? She is not sugar coating any of this, babe. You did her wrong and she’s gonna let you fucking KNOW. To put it in layman’s terms, girl is the Beyonce of paradise and we are all witnessing her personal Lemonade. That is what is happening.

But suddenly Blake shows up to paradise and all of the fun ceases immediately.

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Look I’m sure he’s a nice guy, I’m sure his mom loves him, but he just rubs people the wrong way, and I’m 99% sure it has something to do with his ketogenic diet. Anyone who is so into such a specific eating regimen is just a pure buzzkill.

The only thing more concerning than Blake completely sweating through his tight shirt, is that he keeps asking girls if they’d go on a date with him and they keep saying no.

But then bad-camper Fred walks into paradise, and all of the girls think Fred is delicious. Fred asks Dominique on a date, while Blake finally gets a girl to say yes to his. That girl is Christen, and for those keeping score at home, Christen is now juggling Blake, Tickle Monster, AND Jack Stone. Are scallop fingers an aphrodisiac??

So while Dom, Fred, Christen and Blake are on a DOUBLE date (twist!), the rest of the girls want to make sure Jack Stone is a good kisser because they heard from Christen that he is not.

In order to do that, of course, they all need to make out with him. And so begins the most epic day of Jack Stone’s life, I’m including the day his lawyer ass passed the BAR.

jack stone jasmine make out.JPGdanielle jack stone make out.JPGjack stone raven make out.JPG

On the double date, they appear to be flipping around on some sort of barf boat.

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I would be yaking up quesadillas and sour cream faster than you can say, “Get me out of this nightmare vessel.”

Christen is really having a hard time and on top of nearly vomiting she’s also losing contacts left and right.

christen double date contacts

Thankfully Fred and Dominique are having a good time jumping on a blob. (Is it possible to NOT have a good time on a blob?? I don’t think so.)

Back at paradise, this grossness is happening:

double hot tub make out gross

Like, go to a different place! That is fucking weird.

Robbie and Amanda get a date card and they go to a carnival. It’s cute but pretty boring, which is how I describe their relationship in general. They snuggle up in front of fireworks that seem WAY too god damn close to their bodies.

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Somebody’s going to lose a hand.

Everyone finds out that the rose ceremony is going to be tonight, so Ben Z. gracefully bows out knowing he’s not going to get a rose anyway. What can I say, the dude wants to go see his dog!

Oh, also? Christen finds out that everybody calls her scallop fingers.

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She is SO confused and also offended, which she should be, BUT joke’s on them because almost everyone at this shit show is vying for her attention tonight.

Dean, still in his love triangle of terror and shame, gets asked by Danielle if he’d accept a rose from Kristina, and now Dean is pretty much forced to tell Kristina that it’s over.

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She takes it, well, poorly, and acts out by screaming at Raven.

Wells asks Kristina why she’s fighting for someone who isn’t fighting for her, and I hear the faint sound of recognition as every woman in America watching this has an empowering feminist moment where they go YEAH, TOTALLY! before calling their flakey non-committal boyfriends and quoting that line back to them. (I hope they all tag on, “WELLS TAUGHT ME THAT.”)

It’s time for roses, and weird Lacey gives hers to weird Daniel, Taylor gives hers to Derek, Amanda’s goes to Robbie, Raven’s to Adam, and Dominique’s to kind little warm-hearted Diggy. Jasmine gives hers to the Tickle Monster, and Christen gives hers to Jack Stone. (As soon as she says it I hear myself say, “Good girl.”)

And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Kristina’s turn.

kristina rose ceremony

She starts with a speech and I know she’s leaving. She’s out. So she hugs everyone goodbye, but JUKES. PAST. DANIELLE.

kristina jukes danielle.JPG

I am screaming. I can’t get over this and I’ve watched it literally five times.

She hugs a girl, skips Danielle, and hugs another girl right next to her and it is AMAZING and Danielle looks SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

Dean of course asks to walk her out, and I’m kind of mad that she says okay. I wish so, so badly that she had said, “No thanks,” and kept walking. But she doesn’t, and instead they hug for a long time outside of her airport shuttle and it annoys me.

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Dean thinks Danielle is also going to leave but she doesn’t, because who can leave in a metal bra, ya know? It’s not a great plane outfit.

danielle metal bra top

She gives Dean her rose, and is very excited to see where it goes. But girl better be careful, because I’ll tell you where it goes: right into the shitter once the Vegas twins arrive. Tonight!!

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