The Bachelor recap: “Everywhere I Turn There’s Poop”

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Let me take a second to say how proud I am of all the badass bitches who marched this last weekend. I would tongue kiss you all if I could. I love you. And what better way to celebrate feminism than to go fucking IN on Corinne at this pool party, amiright?!

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Everybody is still freaking out about the whole straddle situation, to the point where I’m pretty sure “bouncy house” has turned into 85% of these girls’ trigger word. (None of them will ever be able to go to a child’s birthday without sweating profusely and/or bursting into tears.)

At the rose ceremony each rose gets handed out and before long Chris Harrison has his hands out, palms up, and we all know what that means.

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Ladies, this is the final rose tonight. It of course goes to Corinne, and these betches look like they done seen a ghost! (Ghosts are not real. Neither are Danielle L.’s boobs.) Christen and some other girl go home, and they are muy triste.

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Gurl looks like she just ripped the fuck out of a hangnail. Corinne gives a speech, I assume because some handler off camera mouthed, “Give a speech!” because otherwise why would that shit cross her mind.

But the excitement is not over, because it’s time to pack their bags and travel the world! Buckle your seat belts, fasten your tray tables, pop a Xanax, ‘cause we’re going to… MILWAUKEE!!!

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If I were the bachelorette and told my group of brosefs that we were going to MILWAUKEE!!!! and any of them cheered, they’d be out. “You, you, you, go home.” Y’all fake as fuck.

Also, correction, they’ll be going to the bustling metropolis of Waukesha, Wisconsin, which is a cool 24 minutes west of ‘waukee.

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He meets up with his parents in a coffee shop and they’re hella concerned about him finding love and getting hurt and they just really don’t want him to go through this again and it’s like, I don’t think they realize that his life rules now? You don’t want him to be on more Bachelor spinoffs?? Because I’m pretty sure that’s what paying for his sweet ass studio apartment in North Hollywood. (“That joke is funny because I know Los Angeles neighborhoods!” –A small fraction of you guys)

Nick goes on a one on one date with Danielle L., where he immediately puts his hand in a pocket that’s too small.

nicks-pocket

Don’t put your hand in there. There’s clearly not enough room and it’s freaking me out.

Anyway so they make cookies, and here is what Nick thinks Chris Harrison looks like, which I find semi rude:

chris-harrison-cookie-bachelor

Give him a little more credit than that, dude. Then Danielle pretends to wipe frosting onto Nick’s nose or some shit and it is so cliché and dumb that I almost can’t take it. Just make out with him. You don’t need to fake-dab frosting on his nose. Noses are oily.

So they make out and it’s like BABE WASH YA HANDS.

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She looks like me in the 90s trying to scrape the last of the frosting out of my Dunkaroos container. That shit’s all over her mitts! Then they sit down with one of Nick’s exes for no reason at all and Danielle is basically like bitch, run along.

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Then Nick tells her he lost his virginity in a park. I don’t hear him specifically SAY it was with a hobo, but I can’t entirely rule it out either.

At dinner Nick wants to know if Danielle has flaws, like grocery shopping in sweats. I mean she’s probably shit her pants before, if that’s what you’re asking. OH you were looking for soft flaws, like she forgets to close the cereal box all the way! Right, yes. That too.

This is a good time to note that this date is being recorded from every possible angle:

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Am I drunk, or is that insane? (Yes and yes.) Now he says he has a surprise for her and I swear to God if it’s a concert with a shit ton of people and a country singer I don’t know, I’m going to write a letter to my alderman.

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JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! Don’t act like you know who Chris Lane is, Nick. I’ve seen you in my neighborhood. You listen to The Weeknd. I will Venmo Nick $1,000 right now if he can tell me one song that guy sings. (I actually won’t, because I got rid of my Venmo account after getting high/weird about the government.)

On the group date they’re on a farm, and Corinne doesn’t really WANT to be on a farm because what the fuck is a FARM CHORE? She would rather be at a spa eating a chicken taco and hand to God, I feel really connected to her in this moment.

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They feed a baby cow, and Nick says the strangest thing I have ever heard someone say in my life which is, “Being from Wisconsin, I’m definitely more of a city boy.” My head tilts to the side like a dog who just heard a fart. I’m sorry, what? There is LITERALLY a place called RURAL, WISCONSIN. That is how NOT city Wisconsin is.

Nick can’t figure out how to milk a cow’s teet and this delights Jaimi, who is bisexual and knows EXACTLY how to milk a teet, ifyaknowwhaddImean.

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Oh also? They scoop cow shit. TONS AND TONS OF COW SHIT. And of course Josephine is in white pants like a fucking lunatic. Have fun flirting with Nick in an hour when you have dried caca on your skinny jeans.

Later the girls still cannot stop bitching about Corinne and I have to say I’m getting kind of OVER IT. Looks at these fools, so mad at her!

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So what if you think she isn’t emotionally ready to get married. Who the fuck are YOU, you feel me? I mean look I would never date that crazy bitch, but I’m starting to think I would totally be her friend.

Why, you ask? Because now Corinne is comparing herself to corn in VERY specific detail, and that’s just the kind of person I could split a bottle of rosé with. (For the record if I were to compare myself to a food it would be a box of Goldfish: you know what you’re getting into.)

But Sarah STILL wants to know if Corinne could see herself marrying a 36-year-old.

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Corinne has the perfect response, which is,  “I didn’t mean to offend anyone by taking a nap.” This completely belittles everyone’s hysteria, because what kind of loser gets mad at someone for napping! (“Who’s mature now, dicknoodles?!” -Corinne)

Taylor continues to talk about it in a bathing suit in the bathtub like the super DUPER adult person she is.

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Then Russian Christina gets the group date rose, which is both a question mark and a yawn.

On the second one on one date Raven is excited to be Nick’s first hometown date even though Danielle was. At his little sister’s soccer game, Nick reminds us that he is one of 11 children, which doesn’t make sense to me and also doesn’t make sense to my friend Ashley:

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Then they go to a skating rink that has FREE PIZZA AND SODA ON FRIDAYS.

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Um, hold the god damn phone. Should I be living in Wisconsin? What the fuck is going on here? They mean free as in I don’t pay for the pizza OR the soda?? I mean Jesus, I guess it’s completely fucking lawless over there, as evident by the child sitting in the claw machine.

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Nick’s little sister thinks Raven is funny and pretty, which are the only two things I aspire to be in life. Right now I’m definitely more funny than pretty but I’d like to Botox my forehead and tip the scale a little bit.

At dinner Raven talks about walking in on her last boyfriend fucking some ho and how not only did she see the other woman’s vagina (“Oh, wow.” -Nick) but she also BEATS HER BOYFRIEND WITH A STILETTO.

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If I walked in on my boyfriend “thrusting” (ew) into another woman, hitting him in the skull with a high heel would not even occur to me. I mean in all reality I would probably leave, cry, eat McDonalds, and then repeats steps 2 and 3 into eternity so like, who am I to judge.

At the pre-rose cocktail party Josephine and Corinne gorge on what appears to be Totino’s pizza rolls and GAB about Taylor and what a fucking cunt she is. (Corinne doesn’t use that word specifically but let’s be real, she’d agree with the sentiment.)

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Corinne decides to talk to Taylor in person so she can really cut a bitch down, but Taylor immediately starts explaining what “emotional intelligence” is. If I were her I would be more concerned about what Corinne’s REACH is, ‘cause you’re sitting awfully close to be saying that type of shit to a drunk girl invigorated by the energy of frozen pizza snacks.

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This episode is of course To Be Continued, because isn’t every episode? It’s a god damn SHOW, I assume we’ll continue the storyline next week.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here

Holy shit I also have a Twitter account.

Bonus footage is Alexis, shark of my heart, explaining that her two greatest fears are 1) Nicholas Cage the actor and 2) aliens, which leads me to believe that there is perhaps a Nicholas Cage who is NOT an actor, and really she should be worried about THAT dude because he sounds like an impostor ass alien.

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