Bachelor in Paradise Finale Recap: “I love you too, Tanner.”

jade tanner bachelor paradise

Those Bachelor producers should take a second job in gift wrapping, because boy can they tie shit up in a bow.

We are reminded of Carly’s heartbreak (via sad vignette), and Jade is still very upset about it. Like, she’s still crying. That’s how still upset she is. Meanwhile Nick is obsessed with Sam and every time he thinks about how hot she is he makes this face:

nick samantha bachelor paradise

As we’re winding down to the final rose ceremony, Tenley needs to make some decisions. But not before consulting her journal. Oh, you thought her journal would have full sentences in it? Nope. Wrong. This journal is just floating WORDS and PHRASES. I’m going to be honest with you if I had a journal like that I’m pretty sure it would say, “Hungry” and “Email landlord about squeaky faucet.”

tenley journal paradise

So they all start their final dates, and Nick is laying it on thick as molasses. This is his dream come true and he thinks that “all the men watching at home are jealous.” Maybe so, but they could never admit it because their girlfriends are sitting less than one foot away from them getting a shoulder massage.

These dates are boring as hell. That’s just how it is. Cassandra doesn’t want to do the fantasy suite because she’s a mom, Tenley is worried about the “lifestyle differences” between she and Joshua and how she only has ONE FREE WEEKEND the entire summer. Jesus Christ, Tenley. Manage your schedule.

Jade is shaken up by the Carly thing (IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY) so we think oh fuck, is something bad going to happen with her and Tanner? But Tanner tells her he loves her and it’s ADORABLE and she of course says it back. Awh shit, they gonna bone good tonight in that fantasy suite.

At the start of the rose ceremony Chris Harrison explains that “giving a rose today means you’re committed to each other outside of paradise.” Except is that true? Can’t you just accept it and then later be like eh, this isn’t working out? Apparently I’m wrong and this rose ceremony is CONTRACTUALLY BINDING.

Cassandra gets Justin’s rose, and then Nick goes to give Samantha his rose and says the MOST cringe worthy thing I’ve heard on the show (tough to do, Nick) which is, “I’m going to die of suffocation ‘cause you literally take my breath away.” UM, BARF. I’m sorry but if a guy ever said that to me I’d be like yeahhhhh I gotta go. I have a denti… matologist appointment. Yeahhhh.

But I guess joke’s on me because she accepts his rose and seems to be happy and I’m just really confused because I have not seen one ounce of spark between these two literally ever. He got her in the end though! Fuck you, Joe!!

Tenley declines Joshua’s rose because he lives in a town with one stoplight and she loves the vibrancy of a city. It’s actually a nice speech but all I can think about is how Tenley and Joshua have the exact same hair color. (Do I need an Adderall prescription? Another thing to write in my phrase journal.)

tenley joshua

So then they say bye and get immediately into two different vans, and here is where I will pull back the curtain for you guys. There is a 100% chance they will see each other at the airport. How big do you think the Puerto Vallarta airport is? They’ll say goodbye, drive off in separate cars that are literally caravanning to the same terminal, and make small talk while waiting for their Carls Jr. combos (that airport doesn’t have a lot of good food options.)

Back in paradise it’s Jade and Tanner Time (what they should title their spinoff) and let’s all remember that I fucking CALLED IT on this proposal. Have you given me credit? GIVE IT TO ME. Okay so they’re standing there and it’s like hey Tanner, is that a ring box in your pocket or are you just happy to see her?

jade tanner proposal

It’s of course a ring and she says yes and it is so fucking cute I want to kill myself. Cassandra, Justin, Sam and Nick are upstairs watching and Cassandra goes, “I’m so happy for them” and Sam goes, “Me too” and we all know they’re both like fuck this bitch right here.

In the end they show an absolutely perfect montage of Ashley I. crying followed by an absolutely perfect montage of Jade and Tanner falling in love. They also mention that the two of them will be getting married next year… in Mexico. Basically they will have a fake wedding on the following season of Bachelor in Paradise. Cute? Sad? All of the above.

Bonus recap: I never watch After Paradise because there are like twelve blond girls that keep trying to say witty shit to Chris Harrison and it’s annoying to me. But of course I watched this one (until I fell asleep) and learned that CASSANDRA is now dating JONATHAN, which is so Twilight Zone I can’t even.

Also Carly talks to Kirk and totally unravels any sympathy the world had for her. She is such an angry bitch about it and is trying to make some sort of feminist point while Kirk is just being genuine and apologetic. All I know is #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. would’ve calmly told him that he wasn’t a real man and it would have been PERFECT.

Thanks for reading these recaps, they’ve been a real treat to write. I’ll leave you with this nugget of joy: Ashley S. is happy and in love. We can all sleep well tonight.

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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “He’s the worst sorta guy.”

double couples

WELL. This season has had more twists and turns than Riddler’s Revenge! (It’s a roller coaster. I couldn’t think of anything better.)

Thank God Tanner’s here to recap us on all the Ashley I-Jared-Jaclyn drama as suspense thriller music plays in the background. They don’t have access to knives in paradise, right?

Ashley I. and Jared have their fantasy suite date and ABC is pretty ON THE NOSE about this virginity shit, as evident by the actual cherries they put in her champagne glass. All she wants is for “everything to be easy” which if we’re talking losing your v-card is a HILARIOUS thing to say. Girl, it’s not going to be.

Back in paradise they’re having a mimosa party (aka what I call Saturdays spent alone in my apartment), and Jorge the Bartender tells Juelia that Mikey is a “man of his word.” Cute, Jorge. Real cute.

It turns out Mikey only wants to be friends with Juelia, so she decides to leave and promptly RUNS around the whole beach shouting goodbye as if her flight is already boarding. The girls are sad because Juelia came here to “find a father for her child.” I’m no Fulbright Scholar, but I’m pretty sure Bachelor in Paradise is not the best place to find a dad for your kid. As usual, I am right.

Jaclyn’s ass gets blurred for basically the whole day, even while she says that Dan has a TINY PERSONALITY. HA! Tiny is a word no man wants to ever be described as, under any circumstances. She thinks that Justin is the “hot ticket in town” and I want to ask her if she has time traveled from some far away land where people say phrases like “hot ticket in town.”

Cassandra arrives and Tiny Personality Dan is butt hurt about how many dates Justin is getting. I bet Justin has a big, thick personality. Jaclyn is salty as shit when Justin revokes his acceptance of her date card and instead wants to go on a date with Cassandra. Really he just wants to get a better look at her boobies.

cassandra justin

Now Nick wants Jaclyn’s date card so he can ask Samantha on a date. Except he once conned her out of $250,000 on Bachelor Pad?? I do NOT understand why Jaclyn gives him the date because had that been me I would have laughed VERY HARD in his face and told him to go fuck himself.

Justin and Cassandra fall in love immediately on their date, which is not what happens on Nick and Samantha’s date. But first let’s remember that all the girls hate Samantha and that even though she’s “stunning,” her personality is “terrible.” Get your shit together, ladies. She’s hot and everybody wants her. The end.

Back from their fantasy suite, Ashley I. had an amazing time watching Jared sleep and is now in love with him. Jump cut to Jared saying he’s going to break up with her again and doesn’t think she’s going to take it well. NO, Ashley I?? She’s going to take it SO WELL.

ashley i crying bachelor in paradise

He dumps her while she’s wearing an I’M A KIM tank top which I know is a reference to the Kardashians but I wish she was saying she is part of the Kim family from Gilmore Girls and her mom runs an antique shop. Anyway Jared leaves.

Okay so back to this awkward ass date with Nick and Samantha. They have literally only walked thirty feet on their date and he’s already like, “This is the best date I’ve ever been on” to which she replies, “I’m glad you feel that way already.” ALREADY. Because in her head she’s going um, dude, chill the fuck out.

Chef Josephina flew ALL THE WAY from Mexico City for their date. That’s like me saying I flew ALL THE WAY to Vegas from LA. It’s like, an hour flight. Also Nick thinks that time with Samantha is worth $250,000 and it’s at this point I realize none of these people have jobs and therefore have no idea what money is.

Their conversation is going incredibly well (sense my sarcasm) as Samantha talks about how she doesn’t know who will get roses. She is obviously bored to fucking death and literally WINCES when he kisses her. Television gold.

samantha winces kiss

There will be no cocktail party tonight, and I know Chris Harrison just LOVES dropping those Bachelor bombs. Ashley I. talks about something called a whimsical attachment and now all I’m thinking about is how much I would crush the hell out of some cotton candy right now.

Ashley I. leaves, but not after saying that she “grew up here.” I can’t tell if she’s joking or not, but she immediately sobs her eyes out and calls her sister. Her sister asks if she was in love with Jared and she goes, “No but like, close enough” which is all the proof I need that she has not, in fact, grown up here.

Tiny Personality Dan gives every girl he’s ever talked to some sort of closure speech before leaving without giving out his rose. So now it’s down to Mikey!! Who would have thought. He gives it to Mackenzie, she says no, so now this episode has turned into the Red Wedding in Game of Thrones, because almost everybody is donzo.

Now it’s only couples in paradise, SERIOUS COUPLES, and Chris Harrison tells everybody to meet him in the palapa?? What the fuck is that. Well, let me tell you what it is because I happen to have an AMAZING INTERNET CONNECTION and turns out those little beach huts in the Corona commercials are called palapas. The next time you’re killing it on Jeopardy be sure to write me a thank you note.

Chris explains that they each get a fantasy suite date, and there is no way in hell Sam is stoked on this. With Nick? Ugh. But suddenly we cut to a confessional of Kirk saying he’s been really in his head lately and we all know that means he’s done, he’s out, and this is going to be bad news bears for cruise ship singer Carly.

He asks to talk to Carly and Tenley gets nervous. Tenley, you’ve got good instincts, I’ll give you that. On the way to their talk Carly goes, “Are you breaking up with me?” and he shushes her and she laughs. Because SHE IS JOKING and doesn’t see this coming. Here is her face as she starts to put it together:

carly and kirk bachelor in paradise

And now, I will give Carly the same props I have given many a time to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. As soon as he starts breaking up with her she just goes, “Okay.” Yes, girl, werk. Fucking shut him down. Kirk keeps saying dumb ass shit (“Like I, like I respect you” -one of the gems)

He is now confused as SHIT that she won’t talk to him and just wants to GTFO of paradise. He keeps asking what happened and it’s like you broke up with her, remember? It JUST happened, you couldn’t have forgotten already.

Jade is sobbing, which now makes me wonder if I’m not a good enough friend to my girlfriends. Am I supposed to cry when they get dumped? I usually just start pourin’ the drank.

Carly continues to fucking dominate this breakup by not letting him talk to her, telling him not to touch her, and saying that she doesn’t even know his face anymore. He is like STILL CONFUSED about what’s happening and it’s like bro, not all females beg and plead to get back with dudes. Some of us are just like wow, I gotta go, I have a plane to catch.

kirk crying

Tonight is the SEASON FINALE and I don’t know what’s going to happen but I’m putting money on Tanner proposing to Jade. He knows a good thing when he sees it.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “I’m on a boat!”

on a boat

Like a fine wine that was opened weeks ago and has been sitting in my fridge ever since, Bachelor in Paradise leaves a weird taste in my mouth. Also it makes me feel warm inside. And kinda sexy!

Juelia immediately gets stung by a jellyfish, so before the opening credits even roll we see Tenley pee on her foot. Okay we don’t SEE it, but Tenley does ask if it feels good so use your imagination.

Chelsie invites Nick on her date, so Nick needs to talk to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. (Apparently she has been yelling at everyone lately but I’m sure they deserved it!!) He finds her but she is like, washing her face, bro. This is one of the sacred moments in a woman’s day and he is shitting all over it with his “Hey, you got a minute to talk?” crap.

Nick then tells her that she SMELLS LIKE A BREWERY. Wow, super sweet of you. He expands and says he doesn’t feel a romantic connection, so my girl does what she does best. She lets him know what’s up. Without skipping a beat she looks straight at him and says, “I feel the same way.” BOOM. Bye Nick, you’re boring. She might be upset on the inside but I am LOVING how she just crushes it to his face. Ladies, if a guy ever dumps you take a page from my #1 BAD BITCH and immediately shut it down. (Somewhere far, far away Ginger Spice is yelling “Girl Power!!” with both fists in the air.)

Mackenzie shows up and I am immediately reminded that she believes in aliens and Chris Soules was like whaaa?? when she started talking about it on his season. She’s even wearing an alien sticker to remind us of her beliefs.

mackenzie

Chelsie and Nick go on their date “ON A BOAT!” and it’s basically a snoozefest until Nick starts talking about Sam. First he tried to talk to a girl while she was washing her fucking face, now he’s talking about another girl while on a date. Jesus Christ, Nick, get your shit together.

Mackenzie’s date card says something about seeing a future, so she IMMEDIATELY goes to aliens. Pretty sure if the date card said, “You’re going to a pottery class and then to dinner” she’d say ALIENS!! It’s just her first response to everything. Also Ashley I. tells her that if she talked to Mikey she probably “wouldn’t naturally pick him” which is a fucking READ if I’ve ever heard one.

DUN DUN DUNNNN…. Jaclyn walks into paradise and “I knew you were trouble when you walked in…” starts blasting in my head. She doesn’t care who’s single and just KNOWS all these boys are bored of their pieces and are ready for some new ass. What I’m not sure they’re ready for is someone wearing a Beetlejuice romper. (Yes, I’m throwing shade.)

Mackenzie and Justin go on their date and she’s still trying to figure out what this “future” shit is. She’s thinking stars, which if I’m being honest is the opposite of the future. Aren’t stars a look into the past? Science is weird.

A shaman dude speaks Spanish to them and thankfully I follow. They’re both confused as fuck while he says things like, “A big surprise!” They still aren’t getting it when he says “Se quitan la ropa,” which I immediately know means take off your clothes. Yeah, I’m cultured AND classy.

Mackenzie, Justin, and Justin’s bulge put mud on each other and Mackenzie doesn’t know what a circle is. Also they have ropes tied around their necks and given the level of awkward this date is, I’m guessing finding a tall tree branch doesn’t sound half bad right now. (Was that too dark?)

Apparently they’re married and Mackenzie is STOKED!!! Justin starts to freak out about how STOKED!!! Mackenzie is but can you really be taken seriously in a flower crown? No.

justin flower crown

Once Mackenzie solves the mystery of if their kids would be Mexican (they would not), the drama is back on Jaclyn. To her credit, she spits some truth when she says, “Might as well call this Kaitlyn’s Rejects.” (Some producer is going “That was MY idea!!”)

Jaclyn has heard SUCH good things about Jared, and Ashley I. immediately starts to panic. I see the fabric that is her soul unraveling and she does the exact right thing when this happens which is she FINDS. CHRIS. HARRISON. She finds Chris Harrison in a flannel, more specifically.

Jaclyn rolls her eyes as Jared tells her about the Divergent-trilogy-length letter Ashley I. wrote him last night. Yes, the letter is super silly. But Jaclyn, honey, in the words of Countess Luann De Lesseps, you are breaking girl code. (You guys following? I jumped franchises here so stick close and you won’t get lost.)

Ashley I. has the timing of time.gov (look it up), because that shit is PERFECT. Right as Jaclyn asks Jared if he would go on a date with her Ashley swoops the fuck in with a fantasy suite card that she found/begged Chris Harrison for. I don’t hate it, Ash. Girl’s got focus. Here is Jaclyn’s face as this shit goes down:

jaclyn face

Jaclyn promptly eats a handful of sour grapes and reminds viewers that “no guy at this age wants to take anyone’s virginity.” Um, have you been on the internet? I beg to differ. Ashley says she would like to “do stuff with Jared” and I’m hoping she means sex.

Next week will be the real kicker, and also the finale. Yikes! Time flies when you’re having a lot of mixed emotions. We’ll find out if Jared laid down that D on Ashley and I personally cannot wait. Timer is officially set on my phone, except that it isn’t because you can only set your timer for 24 hours. Shit.

BONUS FOOTAGE: Ashley I. taking out her extensions and combing them with a fork.

ashley hair extensionsashley i fork

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Was it the arousing cheese?”

brains out bachelor paradise

I’m going to be straight up with you guys, I have no idea how Bachelor in Paradise ends. Does one couple win? Are there prizes? Or do people keep leaving and arriving forever into eternity and Carly and Kirk just live in Mexico now?

Anyway Joe is still a salty wuss about Samantha. He doesn’t really know what’s going on, which is how I feel in most open bar situations.

We’re six minutes in and Sam’s been called a “master manipulator” twice. She cancels her date with Justin because she still likes Joe, she just DOESN’T DO DRAMA. Really guys, I can’t stress it enough. Sam keeps saying, “I have never had drama in my entire life” which I’m calling bullshit on because anyone who has acrylic nails has dealt with drama. Acrylic nails and drama go (paraffin) hand in (paraffin) hand.

Annnnnd now Chris Krakowski is here. (I just Googled him and apparently I am wrong, Chris BUKOWSKI is here.) The only thing I know about Chris is that he randomly showed up on Andi’s season and she was like eh, no thanks. He is the Clare of Bachelor men and has been on every show in existence.

chris bukowski bachelor in paradise

Chris is good at “making things go fast” with women, so that’s neat. He immediately orders a vodka soda, which means he is a CLUB GUY and is ready to TURN UP. Can’t wait.

Amber is going on Justin’s date instead of Sam but only to make Dan jealous. Still with me? They salsa dance and it’s kind of cute until Amber takes his shirt off and JUSTIN IS SO FUCKING SUNBURNT. This is 2015, Justin. Act like ya been there before.

justin sunburn bachelor

I am 100% sure he is thinking, “Ow, ow, please don’t touch my shoulders- AH! Oh my God. Pretend this is fun. Am I smiling? Don’t put your arms around my neck- OW.” They make out and now Amber is crying about Dan. (Pull it together, babe.)

Back on the beach Chris is saying insane things like, “Bachelor Pad was the best show that’s ever happened.” HA. Apparently you’ve never heard of Lizzie McGuire. Chris is drunk and falls into a fire.

Amber talks to Dan about their relationship and he uses the F word- friends. I’m standing by #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. when she said Dan is a grandpa. The hottest grandpa I’ve ever seen in my life, but a grandpa nonetheless.

BUKOWSKI (Chris’ alter ego) asks Tenley on a date and she has to explain her No to him seven times. His comprehension skills are not shining. Chris decides he did what he came here to do (fall into a fire) and it’s time for him to leave. He listens to the voices in his head and walks off barefoot.

Joshua and Tenley go on Chris’ date and Tenley thinks a papaya tastes like ice cream (ZERO CHANCE IT DOES) and they eat aphrodisiac cheese. “Aphrodisiac cheese” turns into “arousing cheese,” which turns into “horny cheese” in Joshua’s mind. What are you, five? Try to be sexy for like, one second. Later Joshua is amazed at his plate of food because “colors everywhere.”

Meanwhile everyone is still OBSESSING over Samantha and how the ocean must be Samantha Water. (Samantha Water is something I should be trademarking, bottling, and distributing.)

Sam and Joe flirt on a beach bed and Sam is a pillow chameleon. She literally made her romper out of the same fabric as the pillows and I can’t even see her. What I can see, is an apple box in the top right corner of the screen. Little behind-the-scenes Hollywood Easter egg for ya.

pillow sam joe bachelor

At the cocktail party Ashley I. gives Jared a 10,000 page novel that is sure to be a must-read. Also Ashley I. is dressed EXACTLY LIKE JASMINE. I mean, exactly. And don’t you dare say this wasn’t on purpose because it was. It was.

Ashley I jasmine bachelor paradiseJasmine ashley i

Here is where things get muy interesante. Amber says Jared was always her #2 choice, so she’s gonna offer him her rose. The problem is Jared might not make it to the rose ceremony because I doubt he will be done reading Ashley’s letter by then.

Back in Samanthaland, Dan thinks Joe wants to “pee on Samantha like a fire hydrant.” Super visual, Dan. Everything about Samantha annoys me at this point except her adorable For Love and Lemons crop set. You win there, girl. I’ll give you that.

Ashley I. fucks Amber over and gives her rose to Jared. Jared kind of half smiles but through his teeth is going, “Greeeat” in that way where you know it is NOT great. Ashley I. doesn’t care and is thrilled.

jared rose ashley iashley i jared rose

Sam has the final rose and she keeps talking about how she hates drama. Does she think there are completely new viewers to this show every week? We KNOW you hate drama. It’s the only thing you’ve literally ever said. She PICKS DAN, and #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. immediately says exactly what we’re all thinking which is, “Shocker!” I am laughing out loud at her. Amazing.

Joe is kicked off but he will NOT leave without showing that one god damn text from Samantha. He cannot let go of the fact that she said, “do whatever it takes to get a rose.” What she probably meant was, “Yes! Please try to stay so we can meet. Do whatever it takes ;)” which does not mean “lie and manipulate a widowed single mother so we can get married.”

In the Sad Limo Joe finally pulls up the text, somehow thinking he is going to be vindicated. Also who has 14 unread text messages? You’re a crazy person.

samantha text joe bachelor paradise

As the car drives away Joe says that he, “Should have fucked her brains out,” which is hilarious because “should have” implies that he had the option. Pret-ty sure that was never offered to you, buddy. Let’s be clear.

Tanner has now called Sam a chess player, a juggler, a praying mantis, and a puppet master. Jesus Christ, Tanner. Cool it with the analogies. You can just call her a lying bitch and we’d all get the picture. On the opposite end of the spectrum Jared only knows one phrase. He has said, “fall on the sword” a hundred times this season. This isn’t Game of Thrones. Nobody is falling on swords so shut the fuck up about the swords.

The way #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. sees it, Sam wasn’t “born out of a flower, or a seashell” but is Aphrodite, and now Sam is “like a dead bird to her.” YES. Those words couldn’t be more confusing or magical and I just FUCKING LOVE HER.

Samantha cries, AGAIN SAYING SHE HATES DRAMA, and Dan comforts her. Except why does Dan have a tissue on him?? That is so weird. She goes, “Can you get me a tissue?” And he just already has one. Having a tissue in your pocket is proof positive that you truly are a grandpa. #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. and I rest our case. (We would make an amazing lawyer team on a TV show so let’s hear some offers!)

Chelsie shows up (ANOTHER girl with a weird fucking spelling!!) which is not that exciting but I’ll let her prove me wrong. Also Jared is still reading Ashley I.’s letter as the credits roll.

ashley i letter

According to the “Sneak Pee-k” of tonight’s episode on the Bachelor website, Juelia gets stung by a jellyfish and needs someone to pee on her. Too bad Joe isn’t here anymore, I hear he pees on bitches like fire hydrants!

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Karma’s a bitch”

sam and joe bachelor

I can only imagine the complete shit show my life would be if I was trapped in an open bar for two months. They should show vomiting footage. I know they have it.

So everyone’s really coupling up now, except Ashley I. who ever since getting the shaft from Jared CANNOT stop crying. Like, cannot. Also she is losing fake nails by the second and now her manicure looks like Britney’s circa 2008. (Everything about Britney is PERFECT this is just an EXAMPLE.)

Ashley I nails

Ashley is so heart broken that she is going to be ruined, “for like, ever.” I totally understand because one time I kissed a boy twice and never recovered from it. Oh wait, that didn’t happen. Pull it together.

Mikey and Juelia go on a date, which is cute but here we are again getting into a plane with a PROPELLER. I don’t care where you’re taking me, I can’t stress enough that I will never get into a vessel that shoots you INTO THE AIR, powered by what I assume is a pulley cord system. Not happening.

While they’re on said death trap, Juelia sits on Mikey’s lap and I’m going “YOU HAVE TO DISTRIBUTE THE WEIGHT.” This is not a commercial airliner. You have to keep the sides even. (Can you tell I’m SUPER CHILL on planes? The chillest.)

Back on the beach Sam and Joe finally talk and Joe says something about exceeding “exceptations,” which you may have noticed is not a word. My spellcheck is going nutso on it right now. Basically Sam has woven a “spider web of deceit” which to me is like, not THAT big of a deal. (You know what is a big deal? An actual spider web. Fuck those things.)

Carly and Kirk go fishing, which is not something I totally understand because I didn’t think you could go fishing in the ocean? I mean I get that there are fish in the ocean (DUH) but you don’t see people standing in the surf with fishing rods. So I’m not really following but they’re going to get married so it’s fine.

Back in central Mexico Juelia is hoping that maybe her date with Mikey will include “dancing under the stars,” but really they go see lucha libre wrestling. It’s kind of the same thing, except not.

mikey lucha libre

After their night of beer and masks they get a fantasy suite card and Juelia asks if Mikey would be comfortable spending the night in her room. We are talking about the same Mikey whose favorite yoga pose is Downward Clare, right? Yaaa. I think he’s comfortable with it.

At this point Ashley I. and Joe start to commiserate over their mutual case of the sadsies, and Ashley gives out dating advice. Take it with a grain of salt, buddy. She tells him to walk up to Sam and say, “Hey I’m Joe, I think you’re really pretty.” UMM, how about you don’t do that. “Hey I’m Joe” is eh at best. But this is Sam we’re talking about. She KNOWS she’s really pretty. That’s why she’s such a crazy bitch.

While Ashley and Joe share s’mores (shout out to s’mores, keep doing you) new guy Justin gets to Paradise. Justin didn’t have a lot of airtime on Kaitlyn’s season so all I can do is rub my chin and say Hmmm. HMMMM. You are a mystery to me, man who looks like a living Ken doll. A mystery indeed.

justin reich bachelor in paradise

Of course the second he gets there he sits with Sam and gets “lost in her eyes” which is such a fucking terrible thing to say. Just tell her she has beautiful eyes, don’t say that cheesy shit you saw in a movie. He also says that she is a great “conversator,” which again you smart kiddos will catch is not an actual word. (My spellcheck can’t even handle this recap right now. Spellcheck and I are forever bonded in a ??? over this episode.)

Right as the Sam drama is starting to die down (I’m kidding, it’s never going to end), Dan comes out of nowhere with a giant wooden spoon ready to stir the pot. He doesn’t want her to go on a date with Justin not because of ol’ Sad Joe, but because he “wants to get to know her better.” OOOoooo, I’m gonna tell Amber!! I’m so gonna tell her. Shit is goin’ down next week. I can FEEL IT.

We wrap it up with sweet, sweet Mikey. You know what he doesn’t like? Bugs. Sand. Salt water. Sometimes rain. He is officially the Lennie to my Of Mice and Men, and god dammit if I don’t love him for it.

Do you think someone is going to cry next week? Do you think someone is going to get horribly sunburned? Stay tuned.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Does anyone know what’s going on?”

mikey juelia

It feels like FORVER since my last trip to Paradise. Was your week slow too? Time is confusing.

We start with a weird ass intro that feels like a horror movie about crabs. I don’t know what these editors are doing all day (getting high) but I’m pretty sure the phrase, “Keep it CAMPY!” is hanging somewhere in their dark dungeon.

If you forgot where we left off last week and were asking yourself, are JJ and Joe friends again? The episode begins with JJ yelling, “GET THE FUCK UP HERE YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT, LET’S GO.” So no. They’re not friends again. Tenley heard “loud shouting,” and it’s like okay Tenley, you want a fucking medal?

Besides worrying that the season is going to end with crabs waging an actual war on humans, I’m also confused about Jorge the Bartender. He’s sitting in a lounge chair at eleven o’clock at night talking to Joe and I’m like, is he actually IN the show now? Is he giving out a rose this week? (If he doesn’t save Juelia with it that would be so messed up!!)

Sam could not be more clear she is “so not about that drama,” which she says one million times during the episode. She came on BACHELOR IN PARADISE and hates drama. That makes sense.

There’s a rose ceremony tonight, which reaffirms my theory that they are trying to throw us off our game and it is WORKING. A rose ceremony ten minutes into the episode? Looney tunes. (She says, getting up to make herself a vodka ginger beer.)

At the cocktail party, Jade and Tanner want to talk to Joe and Samantha because Tanner has SEEN THE SCREEN GRABS. But he and Joe are in the exact same shirt so the whole time they’re talking I’m distracted by whether or not they’re twins and how weird it would be if they were.

matching shirts

Juelia goes to find Chris Harrison, who is just chilling with a crew guy while holding his dinner jacket over his forearm like some kind of perfect creature. He pretends to give a flying fuck about what she’s talking about, which is that she kind of had a connection with Mikey. Wait. IS MIKEY COMING BACK?? Is this good TV, or is this good TV? Jesus Christ.

Meanwhile Jared is forced to kiss Ashley I. even though it’s clear as goddamn day that he isn’t interested in her, like, at all. Also Ashley is wearing the heart of the ocean.

ashley i heart of the ocean

Did she swim down to the bottom of the sea? Is she a mermaid and that’s why she’s a virgin?? I’m going to need some answers. She says kissing Jared is way better than kissing Chris Soules’ PAPER THIN LIPS and as soon as she said it I died and fell off my couch.

JJ gives his rose to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S, which is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen in my life. But this is the end of JJ’s journey. He misses his home piece and keeps saying things about being multidimensional and having layers and I think JJ should go into web design. Something with circular references and dimensions and shit.

JJ’s departure is war themed, as evident by the insanity of a music selection that plays as he hugs everyone goodbye. Without warning I find myself standing up with my hand to my forehead, giving JJ a slow salute out. We lost a good man tonight.

At this point I’m not really understanding why EVERYONE wants to save Juelia. Does she have the good drugs or something? Dan talks to Carly before his rose, which prompts #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. to call him a GRANDPA. He is a fucking grandpa, and I love the spirit in her! (Should I reach out to her on Instagram and see if she wants to get matching tattoos? Things to think about.)

Megan’s gone, Clare’s gone, Juelia’s gone. Juelia’s crying and goes to get into the Sad Limo but then MIKEY IS BACK, like we knew he would be. Top ponytail has been resurrected.

The next day Jade and Tanner have their date and I’m going to tell you right now there is no way in HELL I’d get in a plane with a propeller. Fuuuuuck that. I’m a jet fuel girl, okay? But they go to a tequila distillery so that’s dope. Are there lime trees nearby? How is salt made? (Life’s mysteries that keep me up at night.)

Some rando named Nick arrives, and I don’t know him at all but I do know that he ALSO TALKED TO SAMANTHA BEFORE THE SHOW. Sam’s face when he walks in basically says it all, which is, “Fuck.”

He immediately asks her on a date and then a super weird thing happens where they go off and talk but she never actually says yes to the date, and then says no to the date the second they’re back with the group. I’m starting to feel lost.

Nick takes #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. on the date and she massages him while talking to a bird. I’m pretty sure this isn’t editing, I think she really is talking to it. Also she’s in a cute ass bikini top that I want.

ashley s bikini

Turns out these two are GREAT DRINKING BUDDIES. Girl. Is. Inebriated. She’s gone. She’s in the middle of the ocean. She is like a sister to him, but she’d never kiss her half sister, but he’s like a brother she’s attracted to. She can do no wrong in my mind and I love every fucking thing that comes out of her mouth. Who cares if she’s hammered! Nick is boring as shit. She’s just like, passin’ the time.

(In snoozy side notes, Jade and Tanner are falling in love and are going to have beautiful olive-skinned babies.)

Joe is starting to unravel, so I need to go pop some popcorn. He thinks Samantha is going to be the mother of his children (HA) but the whole time he keeps saying to himself, “She’s out of my league. Stuff like this never happens.” Guys, let me do you a solid. If you are ever like hey, stuff like this never happens, you’re probably fucking right. If you ever think hey, it smells like something’s burning, it is. Something is engulfed in flames.

We’re FINALLY back to Ashley I. and Jared and he keeps saying things like “you’re so sweet” and “I love getting along with you,” which is NOT a good sign. I love getting along with you?!??!! Get out your tissues, girl. Jared isn’t over Kaitlyn Bristowe (which is crazy because they broke up like, twelve days ago) so Ashley cries for a very long time.

THEN SHE CALLS KAITLYN. A producer definitely said, “You should tell her Jared’s not over her. You and Kaitlyn are friends. Here, want my phone? I dialed, it’s ringing…” Ashley goes on to tell her that Jared is OBSESSED with her. Kaitlyn’s probably like um cool story, bro. I’m getting bent over by the hottest guy ever right now so I can’t really talk.

Apparently Sam wished Joe a Sad 29th Birthday, because she dumps his ass while sitting in front of a cake with chocolate covered cherries on it.

joe birthday cake

Joe’s like, “But there hasn’t been any drama all day.” Congrats Joe, you made it one fucking day. One day does not a chill man make.

Tonight’s episode promises Joe coming after Sam with a VENGENCE. Got ya, bitch.

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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Villains Gonna Vill”

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This shit is getting more complicated than my beauty regimen, which let me tell you has SEVERAL moving parts.

Four seconds in, Juelia tells Sam about Joe’s sneaky ass behavior. Except she says that Joe asked her on a date “right away.” Love ya girl, but no. Not how that shit went down. Remember when he was like, “I don’t give a shit who wants to go on this date with me, I’ll take anyone, who wants to ride horses?” And you were like, “I like to ride horses, Joe.” Sorry boo, but my memory is crystal fucking clear on this.

Anyway Sam thinks this is a “little too much drama” even though she’s the one who’s been plotting with Joe since the dawn of time. (Tanner has SEEN THE SCREEN GRABS.)

So Joe and Sam have this super, top secret conversation where they completely forget they have their fucking mic packs on. Sam sees a cameraman and keeps whispering and I’m going, “BITCH YOUR MICROPHONE IS ON.” They intercut this heavily-subtitled conversation with Sam’s most recent interview, which they play in a dark vignette as visual proof that she is a goddamn liar.

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We switch gears as Amber shows up to the house, super excited to date Dan and hang out with her BFF Ashley S. (Cue a producer rubbing their hands together, eyes turning black.) Amber asks Dan on a date and he says yes but needs to talk to Ashley S. about it.

Except that when you talk to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S, she takes no prisoners. She looks straight at him and says, “You’re such a man, but you couldn’t be a man to me.” Bye Dan, your balls just got chopped off and she’s about to throw them into the fucking sand. Also she can tell that one of the birds is blind so she is obviously a sorcerer.

Meanwhile JJ and Megan go on their date and it’s boring and they’re on a boat. Megan says some cheesy ass line about how this is the quickest she’s gotten wet on a date and it’s like HA GOOD ONE.

On Amber and Dan’s date, the townspeople of Puerto Vallarta demand they kiss and I start to panic about the mob mentality of the world. Amber has to walk no fewer than four miles in wedges until they’re finally at some tiny dinner table that I’m pretty sure they could have put a little closer to where they were earlier.

Amber admits that when she’s home watching hot pieces get out of The Bachelorette limos (noshing on some kind of delicious snack, I hope), she marks down the ones she wants to bone by putting a star next to their name. That’s like me telling you guys that while I sit in traffic I talk to myself and pretend I’m being interviewed on the radio. I would never tell you that, it is embarrassing and between me and God. Apparently Dan is a DOUBLE STAR, which is like me telling you I also pretend I’m being interviewed while I put on my makeup. It’s like, not helping.

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It’s time for the big bro-down (showdown of bros), where Joe is finna get his ass handed to him. The guys confront him and Joe keeps talking about digging up dead bodies. Somewhere in his pathetic attempt at explaining himself we learn that before everyone goes on the show they submit a list of people they’d like to see in paradise to the producers. Innnnnteresting.

Joe’s list was SAM, SAMANTHA, SAMANTHA FROM CHRIS’ SEASON, SAM. JJ’s had 8 people. I would like to be a fly on the wall in the meeting where someone at ABC takes their headshots and slides them around trying to decide who’s arriving next to BREAK THE HEARTS of the people already there. “Yes! She’ll be basically suicidal at that point. Should we take a coffee break?”

Now Joe and JJ talk with their faces very close to each other. Joe is still a fucking pussy so they don’t fight.

joe jj fight

What does happen is JJ says that Joe is a circular reference, which is some complex shit for a hockey player. Jared (been missin’ you, buddy!) caps us off with, “Joe Bailey, from America’s Sweetheart to America’s Most Wanted. One week flat.” You been writing taglines on the side, bro? That shit was fire.

Next week promises more fun in the sun, and by fun I mean tears. What an incredible journey so far!!

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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “This isn’t church camp.”

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I’ve always said that Bachelor in Paradise contestants are like good martinis: (emotionally) shaken, not stirred. And extra dirty.

We start by “introducing… Jorge the bartender!” Yes, the ringleader of their drunken all-inclusive sex fest is officially part of the opening credits. Good for him! It’s not like any of these stingy broads are throwing singles in the tip jar so I’m glad he’s getting some air time. (I assume he’s repped by CAA.)

Because last week was TO BE CONTINUED… lets CONTINUE. Clare wants to leave but doesn’t want to “walk away,” which is weird because any time I’ve ever left anywhere it was by walking away. (Except one time when I was on a scooter and it was fucking awesome.)

Joe gets Juelia’s rose and we say goodbye to Mikey (RIP top ponytail), Jonathan (RIP yellow sunglasses), and Michael (RIP who gives a shit). Although I recognize that Joe is an asshole, Juelia needs to put these pieces together a little fucking faster. She’s all, “he can’t wait to spend more time with me” and I’m all, “I never want you on my detective team.” (Currently taking applications via Twitter.)

Also Joe says “rose before bros” so I don’t know why Juelia is still sad. She should be mortified she kissed someone who would say that.

What’s awesome is that SAM IS HERE. And Chris Harrison acknowledges that she spoke zero words on Chris’ season and I love him for that. Thank you for keeping it 100, Chris!

Joe and Samantha hold hands immediately, so now everyone is confused and thinks that maybe they’ve talked before and were expecting to see each other here. Oh really, dumb fucks? You thought Joe was just randomly saying “I CAN’T WAIT FOR SAMANTHA TO GET HERE” when he didn’t know she was coming? He knew, guys. He knew.

They’re so hot and heavy that Sam is basically already pregnant with a baby who has long acrylic nails and a thick ass Southern accent. Their date is a photo shoot and Joe’s proud of his dad body even though he definitely shouldn’t be. If I have to sweat my ass off at pilates then guess what? I’m not into your dad bod. The day you stop judging me for ordering gnocchi is the day you can embrace your soft, stupid stomach.

sam joe date

Joe doesn’t really get that the dudes in the house are mad at him so he offers Jared a shrimp quesadilla. Don’t know why I’m including that here, but it feels important.
Also during the course of Joe vs Bros things like, “You’re not villing” are said, which I think is a reference to the word villain and if so I hope you all die in a fire.

Clare makes another appearance when she has a phone conversation with a raccoon. The editors need to chill out with this shit because I bet at least 50% of the (dope-ass) hoes watching this show legit think she is on the phone with a raccoon. It’s editing, guys. She’s talking to her mom.

Also Carly is HORNY. Like, gross horny. They try to make this an interesting storyline where Kirk might dump her but then doesn’t. It is not interesting and they remain the ultimate snoozeville couple. Also he calls her a “pinball machine” and I don’t know what that means.

Jorge the Bartender and Ashley S. talk about Dan and it is perfection. Sadly Dan sees some “red flags” in Ashley but never actually says what the red flags are so I can only assume it’s that she squeezes the toothpaste tube instead of neatly rolling it up.

He talks to her about it and while her glasses make her look like a sexy librarian, it turns out she is actually a BAD BITCH, y’all. Girl takes ZERO bullshit and is like, “Hey man if you’re out, I’m out.” Which is the #1 bad bitch move of the century. No drama, no crying, just bye, I’ve got shit to do.

ashley s dan

Megan shows up in Paradise and I almost forgot how dumb she is. Don’t worry, she reminds us with a big, “ALOHA, MEXICO!!” She also calls a sombrero a so-brero and it makes me sad.

Joe finally admits that before going on the show he talked to Sam on social media, texts, phone calls, telegrams, webcams, snail mail, and walkie-talkie. Plus they passed notes in class. People are still like what?!?! Even though it’s the simplest thing in the world and I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

Juelia threatens the shit out of Joe and says she’s going to tell Sam about what Joe did to her. This won’t make a difference in Joe and Sam’s relationship because anyone who’s ever dated a man knows the first thing Joe will say is, “It was all for you” and Sam’ll be like OKAY! And it will be totally fine.

Also the second Juelia says she’s going to tell Sam, Joe starts apologizing like a fucking pussy. Quietly backing out of that shit like he just walked in on his parents having sex and they haven’t noticed him yet.

joe juelia

It took Ashley I. five episodes not to sob like a motherfucker and I have to say I really, really missed it. Can we get back to that? That was fun.

Already mentally ordering Indian food and pouring rosé for tonight’s fiesta…

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

 

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Huh?”

AshleySFace2

Bachelor in Paradise? More like Bachelor in Dramaville, amiright?! Sorry. That was bad. I’ll go sit in the corner.

We start off with Mikey saying that Clare is his beard. I’m going to go out on a limb here: based on Mikey’s general comprehension skills, he has no fucking clue what a beard is. Pret-ty sure he didn’t mean to tell millions of people that he was hanging with Clare to cover up the fact that he’s gay.

Clare finally goes on her date with Jared and I am super stoked about it, mostly because I know it will make Ashley I. cry as she repeats over and over, “It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. You’re Jasmine.”

They’re supposed to bungee jump but Clare is scared and crying (Scared and Crying would be a PHENOMENAL spinoff of Naked and Afraid). But then Jared kisses her and they jump and it’s cute as shit. What isn’t so cute is when they have to paint in her purple bikini bottoms because her actual bikini bottoms are nowhere to be found. Movie magic at its finest. Someone went to film school for this.

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Clare gets home and describes their date in VERY LOUD DETAIL so Ashley I. can hear and as predicted, she sobs in her room.

Some guy named Michael arrives and I’m going to be honest with you I have no idea who he is. But he can’t wait to meet Tenley because to him she is an Elevenly. I immediately hate him.

Before Michael goes on his date with Tenley, Joshua wishes diarrhea on him. This is an excellent use of a wish, and I personally wish diarrhea on anyone who’s ever broken Britney Spears’ heart. (That statement is ON the record.)

Meanwhile Jared is royally fucking up with Clare. And by royally fucking up I mean he’s pacing around the sand saying things like, “You’re 8 years older than me… but you look great.” Guess who’s having none of that? Clare Motherfucking Crawley. She is outta that sitch faster than Kim Richards with a cart full of Target toys.

So Tenley and Michael (no diarrhea yet) go on a date, where 10,000 mariachi musicians circle around them like iRobots and I immediately think, “TENLEY THEY’RE GOING TO KILL YOU.” They don’t, so she is still alive. Also: did Michael tip every single one of them? (I assume they stood around staring at him until he let out a big SIGH and reached into his pocket.)

All right fine, let’s get into this Joe shit. Joe is a SNAKE, as evident by the fact that literally every single time they show Joe talking they immediately cut to an actual snake.

joe snake bachelor

Anyway Joe hates Juelia, Mikey and Jonathan hate Joe for using Juelia, and Joe hates Mikey and Jonathan for telling Juelia that Joe is using Juelia. Fun! Here is the point where Joe (drunk as shit on Jack and Cokes) threatens to beat the guys “to a pulp” with “brass knuckles” which is first of all an insane thing to say and also definitely not true. For as dumb as Mikey is, he would beat the absolute fuck out of scrawny ol’ Joe.

It should be noted that at some point during all of this turmoil Ashley S. goes, “Huh?” and it is perfect and she is perfect and I love her.

So now Jonathan is crying. Like, HARD. He can’t keep it together and it is the most awkward moment of my entire life. Please stop crying, Jonathan. Please. The hairs are sticking up on my arms. That is how uncomfortable I am.

Meanwhile Clare is bitter as hell that she will never find love and it’s like girl, calm down. You’re going to be on nine more seasons of this shit so eventually you will get someone to like you. Probably.

Right before the rose ceremony she gives a super weird impromptu speech and everyone is kind of like, “thefuck?” And then we hear the first words out of Jade’s mouth in like three episodes and she lays it the fuck down. She takes offense to that, Clare! She takes. Offense.

We get started on the roses and I am PUMPED ABOUT IT. And then basically the worst thing imaginable happens, which is that they put a big “To be continued…” on the screen before we get to any of the good roses. (Nobody cares that Carly gave her rose to Kirk!!) As soon as the words pop up on the screen I shout, “OH MY GOD.”

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I guess the execs at ABC finally took that seminar on cliff-hangers and how they work like a god damn charm, because ever since Kaitlyn’s season these rose ceremonies are taking place at weird points in the episodes. You got me, shitheads! Waiting patiently and sticking my Joe voodoo doll with needles until Sunday…

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Bachelor In Paradise Recap: “Joe is a funny, cool, awesome guy.”

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I spent the last six days sitting on my couch (TV off, hands in my lap) waiting for the next episode of Bachelor in Paradise. It turned out to be a GREAT decision, except that I got fired from my job and everything in my fridge went bad.

The first order of business besides wondering if crabs fly (they don’t) and staring incessantly at Mikey’s top ponytail (???), is that Lauren I. is a mistress. I’m not emotionally invested in Lauren I., and apparently Juelia isn’t either because as soon as people start talking about it she goes, “Who’s Lauren?” which is completely fucking priceless.

who'slauren

So now Joshua shows up. Correction: Joshua’s hula girl tattoo shows up. This is Lauren’s last chance at finding love (with someone who doesn’t already have a girlfriend), so naturally she talks about the STD testing they had to do before going on the show. I’m surprised Neil Lane didn’t show up right then and there so Joshua could pick a ring.

Lauren goes home by dragging her suitcase through wet sand which makes no sense at all and wouldn’t even work if she had one of those dope-ass rolling bags with the four wheels. Anyway she’s gone and her sister Ashley WON’T BE FINE. She knows it, we know it, Clare knows it. (Clare’s eyes go dark.)

Joe is here, and everybody thinks he is going to be absolutely hilarious. Turns out he’s about as funny as the murder of Cecil the lion. He upsets Clare, but she doesn’t want any drama so she goes off and cries by herself and then befriends an alcoholic raccoon.

Jonathan (in VERY BRIGHT SUNGLASSES) is pissed that Joe and Juelia are going on a date. He spends the rest of the episode hoping Joe falls off a horse and breaks his leg. I’m not kidding, it’s literally all he talks about for the rest of the show.

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Tenley likes Joshua, and also BEARS and BEAR HANDS. Hopefully the next person that comes to paradise is Mark Wahlberg’s lightning-buddy Ted, because it seems like that would be a great match.

Joshua may like Tenley but he also likes Molly, which is not a girl on the show and is instead a super fun drug. All of the saints and angels in the house freak the fuck out and are basically all narcs. They tell Tenley and she is an emotional wreck. At this point I’m not really following because none of this is a big deal to me and I can’t figure out why everybody is crying about the fact that he’s done drugs in Vegas.

Meanwhile Mikey is trying to understand that Clare doesn’t like him. By trying I mean he honestly cannot understand it. Dan’s like, “Clare told the girls that she doesn’t like you” and Mikey’s like, “But how do the girls know?” and Dan’s like, “She told them. I just said that.”

By now we learn that farting Joe is not a “funny, cool, awesome guy” and is using Juelia for a rose, while Juelia is using the show to promote headbands. I’m not 100% sure about that last part, but it’s just a hunch I have. Joe actually wanted Sam to be here, which left everyone at home wondering, “Who the hell is Sam?” (Worth noting that frantic Googling led a shit ton of you to my site.)

In the final moments, Jared asks Clare on a date. Yes. We are finally GETTING INTO IT. Ashley is in extreme emotional turmoil about it while Mikey is still going, “But Clare likes me…” (Dan is rolling his eyes at how god damn stupid Mikey is.)

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Ashley simply cannot FATHOM how someone who is 26 could date someone who is 34, even though listening to Ashley sob her eyes out for five seconds is all the proof I’d need that I should be dating someone older. Clare could be 102 and would still be the better option.

Roses will be handed out on tonight’s episode, but I’m going to take a leap of faith and say bye, Jonathan. Bye, Mikey. Nice knowin’ yas.

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