Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Huh?”

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Bachelor in Paradise? More like Bachelor in Dramaville, amiright?! Sorry. That was bad. I’ll go sit in the corner.

We start off with Mikey saying that Clare is his beard. I’m going to go out on a limb here: based on Mikey’s general comprehension skills, he has no fucking clue what a beard is. Pret-ty sure he didn’t mean to tell millions of people that he was hanging with Clare to cover up the fact that he’s gay.

Clare finally goes on her date with Jared and I am super stoked about it, mostly because I know it will make Ashley I. cry as she repeats over and over, “It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. You’re Jasmine.”

They’re supposed to bungee jump but Clare is scared and crying (Scared and Crying would be a PHENOMENAL spinoff of Naked and Afraid). But then Jared kisses her and they jump and it’s cute as shit. What isn’t so cute is when they have to paint in her purple bikini bottoms because her actual bikini bottoms are nowhere to be found. Movie magic at its finest. Someone went to film school for this.

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Clare gets home and describes their date in VERY LOUD DETAIL so Ashley I. can hear and as predicted, she sobs in her room.

Some guy named Michael arrives and I’m going to be honest with you I have no idea who he is. But he can’t wait to meet Tenley because to him she is an Elevenly. I immediately hate him.

Before Michael goes on his date with Tenley, Joshua wishes diarrhea on him. This is an excellent use of a wish, and I personally wish diarrhea on anyone who’s ever broken Britney Spears’ heart. (That statement is ON the record.)

Meanwhile Jared is royally fucking up with Clare. And by royally fucking up I mean he’s pacing around the sand saying things like, “You’re 8 years older than me… but you look great.” Guess who’s having none of that? Clare Motherfucking Crawley. She is outta that sitch faster than Kim Richards with a cart full of Target toys.

So Tenley and Michael (no diarrhea yet) go on a date, where 10,000 mariachi musicians circle around them like iRobots and I immediately think, “TENLEY THEY’RE GOING TO KILL YOU.” They don’t, so she is still alive. Also: did Michael tip every single one of them? (I assume they stood around staring at him until he let out a big SIGH and reached into his pocket.)

All right fine, let’s get into this Joe shit. Joe is a SNAKE, as evident by the fact that literally every single time they show Joe talking they immediately cut to an actual snake.

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Anyway Joe hates Juelia, Mikey and Jonathan hate Joe for using Juelia, and Joe hates Mikey and Jonathan for telling Juelia that Joe is using Juelia. Fun! Here is the point where Joe (drunk as shit on Jack and Cokes) threatens to beat the guys “to a pulp” with “brass knuckles” which is first of all an insane thing to say and also definitely not true. For as dumb as Mikey is, he would beat the absolute fuck out of scrawny ol’ Joe.

It should be noted that at some point during all of this turmoil Ashley S. goes, “Huh?” and it is perfect and she is perfect and I love her.

So now Jonathan is crying. Like, HARD. He can’t keep it together and it is the most awkward moment of my entire life. Please stop crying, Jonathan. Please. The hairs are sticking up on my arms. That is how uncomfortable I am.

Meanwhile Clare is bitter as hell that she will never find love and it’s like girl, calm down. You’re going to be on nine more seasons of this shit so eventually you will get someone to like you. Probably.

Right before the rose ceremony she gives a super weird impromptu speech and everyone is kind of like, “thefuck?” And then we hear the first words out of Jade’s mouth in like three episodes and she lays it the fuck down. She takes offense to that, Clare! She takes. Offense.

We get started on the roses and I am PUMPED ABOUT IT. And then basically the worst thing imaginable happens, which is that they put a big “To be continued…” on the screen before we get to any of the good roses. (Nobody cares that Carly gave her rose to Kirk!!) As soon as the words pop up on the screen I shout, “OH MY GOD.”

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I guess the execs at ABC finally took that seminar on cliff-hangers and how they work like a god damn charm, because ever since Kaitlyn’s season these rose ceremonies are taking place at weird points in the episodes. You got me, shitheads! Waiting patiently and sticking my Joe voodoo doll with needles until Sunday…

Check out more Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor In Paradise Recap: “Joe is a funny, cool, awesome guy.”

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I spent the last six days sitting on my couch (TV off, hands in my lap) waiting for the next episode of Bachelor in Paradise. It turned out to be a GREAT decision, except that I got fired from my job and everything in my fridge went bad.

The first order of business besides wondering if crabs fly (they don’t) and staring incessantly at Mikey’s top ponytail (???), is that Lauren I. is a mistress. I’m not emotionally invested in Lauren I., and apparently Juelia isn’t either because as soon as people start talking about it she goes, “Who’s Lauren?” which is completely fucking priceless.

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So now Joshua shows up. Correction: Joshua’s hula girl tattoo shows up. This is Lauren’s last chance at finding love (with someone who doesn’t already have a girlfriend), so naturally she talks about the STD testing they had to do before going on the show. I’m surprised Neil Lane didn’t show up right then and there so Joshua could pick a ring.

Lauren goes home by dragging her suitcase through wet sand which makes no sense at all and wouldn’t even work if she had one of those dope-ass rolling bags with the four wheels. Anyway she’s gone and her sister Ashley WON’T BE FINE. She knows it, we know it, Clare knows it. (Clare’s eyes go dark.)

Joe is here, and everybody thinks he is going to be absolutely hilarious. Turns out he’s about as funny as the murder of Cecil the lion. He upsets Clare, but she doesn’t want any drama so she goes off and cries by herself and then befriends an alcoholic raccoon.

Jonathan (in VERY BRIGHT SUNGLASSES) is pissed that Joe and Juelia are going on a date. He spends the rest of the episode hoping Joe falls off a horse and breaks his leg. I’m not kidding, it’s literally all he talks about for the rest of the show.

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Tenley likes Joshua, and also BEARS and BEAR HANDS. Hopefully the next person that comes to paradise is Mark Wahlberg’s lightning-buddy Ted, because it seems like that would be a great match.

Joshua may like Tenley but he also likes Molly, which is not a girl on the show and is instead a super fun drug. All of the saints and angels in the house freak the fuck out and are basically all narcs. They tell Tenley and she is an emotional wreck. At this point I’m not really following because none of this is a big deal to me and I can’t figure out why everybody is crying about the fact that he’s done drugs in Vegas.

Meanwhile Mikey is trying to understand that Clare doesn’t like him. By trying I mean he honestly cannot understand it. Dan’s like, “Clare told the girls that she doesn’t like you” and Mikey’s like, “But how do the girls know?” and Dan’s like, “She told them. I just said that.”

By now we learn that farting Joe is not a “funny, cool, awesome guy” and is using Juelia for a rose, while Juelia is using the show to promote headbands. I’m not 100% sure about that last part, but it’s just a hunch I have. Joe actually wanted Sam to be here, which left everyone at home wondering, “Who the hell is Sam?” (Worth noting that frantic Googling led a shit ton of you to my site.)

In the final moments, Jared asks Clare on a date. Yes. We are finally GETTING INTO IT. Ashley is in extreme emotional turmoil about it while Mikey is still going, “But Clare likes me…” (Dan is rolling his eyes at how god damn stupid Mikey is.)

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Ashley simply cannot FATHOM how someone who is 26 could date someone who is 34, even though listening to Ashley sob her eyes out for five seconds is all the proof I’d need that I should be dating someone older. Clare could be 102 and would still be the better option.

Roses will be handed out on tonight’s episode, but I’m going to take a leap of faith and say bye, Jonathan. Bye, Mikey. Nice knowin’ yas.

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Recap: Bachelor In Paradise Premiere, Night 2

“There’s no roses left for Tenley.”

Like leftover Chinese food, Bachelor in Paradise is even better the second night. One minute in and I already had my head cocked to the side like a dog listening to someone blow on a weenie whistle. The opening credits were an 80s-themed montage of confusion that I at first loved until I realized that made me a basic bitch and I was like SHIT, stop, resist the urge to smile. Rihanna (my spirit animal) would never approve.

Look I’m not going to sugar coat it, the next thing that happens is Clare talks to a crab. She’s got a date card, but doesn’t know whom to choose. She does a pretty good job of pretending she won’t go after anyone’s man, but you can see the crazy in that girl’s eyes from 100 conch shells away so we know she is just plotting, plotting (insert wicked witch cackle).

So here she is talking to this crab, which makes me very uncomfortable but also I’m high and I can’t tell if it’s ME or the CRAB or what the hell is going on. It was pretty touch and go for a minute.

Fan favorite Mikey (see what I did there) would really love to take Clare out, get to know her better, and maybe see if there is a romantic connection between them. Or as he puts it, “going on a date would be, like, awesome.” Mikey strikes me as the kind of guy who still wears super hero underpants. I don’t even know what that means, but I stand by it.

He forces Clare to go on a date and they immediately find out that they will be doing tantric yoga. You couldn’t wipe the smile off Mikey’s face if you were drowning a newborn puppy right in front of him. He is EXCITED. Clare wants to die.

I’m going to gloss over the fact that this might be Mikey’s first time having physical contact with a girl. His favorite yoga pose is the Downward Clare, which is both disturbing and also how I assume Clare describes the aftermath of getting her ass dumped by Juan Pablo.

In the happiest news ever, Ashley S. is back from the hospital and has somehow snagged the hottest guy in paradise. Work, bitch!

Now that everyone’s coupled off, Tenley is suddenly aware that she may be going home. It’s sad because she deserves love too! She immediately gets her flirt on with JJ in a last-ditch effort to stick around. (All JJ wants is “a small gift” and I assume he is referring to a set of worry dolls.)

Here’s where it gets fun. Clare starts talking to Jared at the cocktail party, and we KNOW how upset Ashley I. gets when Jared talks to people. If someone sneezed and he said bless you, she would immediately burst into tears. She can’t help it, guys. She doesn’t know why.

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So Ashley I. is now officially freaking the fuck out that Clare AND Tenley have talked to Jared, and goes on a rant about old ladies and how she can’t lose a guy to an “OLD LADY.” Now I’m sitting here wishing there were actual old ladies in paradise, just to mix it up a bit (Jonathan would be down).

Annnnnd now we’re outing people’s boob jobs. Ashley I.’s sister Lauren just sits in that confessional and straight up throws these bitch’s titties under the bus (limo). Just rattles ‘em off! Juelia (fuck that spelling), Jillian, and Jade. I’m not trying to stereotype girls with J names, but I’m seeing a pattern here. But back to the main point which is hey Lauren, don’t be a bitch.

Oddly enough the actual rose tension didn’t have to do with Jared (YET… YET.) and was all about if JJ was going to give his rose to Jillian or Tenley. Um, did you see him give Tenley’s ass a light but confident squeeze as they fell in love on a beach-bed of some kind? Turns out there is a rose for Tenley.

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But you know who the real winner was last night? Her adorable fucking pink crop top set. Hi, I want your clothes please. Jillian and her statement necklace never stood a chance.

Check out the recap of Night 1 here.