Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “This isn’t church camp.”

dan

I’ve always said that Bachelor in Paradise contestants are like good martinis: (emotionally) shaken, not stirred. And extra dirty.

We start by “introducing… Jorge the bartender!” Yes, the ringleader of their drunken all-inclusive sex fest is officially part of the opening credits. Good for him! It’s not like any of these stingy broads are throwing singles in the tip jar so I’m glad he’s getting some air time. (I assume he’s repped by CAA.)

Because last week was TO BE CONTINUED… lets CONTINUE. Clare wants to leave but doesn’t want to “walk away,” which is weird because any time I’ve ever left anywhere it was by walking away. (Except one time when I was on a scooter and it was fucking awesome.)

Joe gets Juelia’s rose and we say goodbye to Mikey (RIP top ponytail), Jonathan (RIP yellow sunglasses), and Michael (RIP who gives a shit). Although I recognize that Joe is an asshole, Juelia needs to put these pieces together a little fucking faster. She’s all, “he can’t wait to spend more time with me” and I’m all, “I never want you on my detective team.” (Currently taking applications via Twitter.)

Also Joe says “rose before bros” so I don’t know why Juelia is still sad. She should be mortified she kissed someone who would say that.

What’s awesome is that SAM IS HERE. And Chris Harrison acknowledges that she spoke zero words on Chris’ season and I love him for that. Thank you for keeping it 100, Chris!

Joe and Samantha hold hands immediately, so now everyone is confused and thinks that maybe they’ve talked before and were expecting to see each other here. Oh really, dumb fucks? You thought Joe was just randomly saying “I CAN’T WAIT FOR SAMANTHA TO GET HERE” when he didn’t know she was coming? He knew, guys. He knew.

They’re so hot and heavy that Sam is basically already pregnant with a baby who has long acrylic nails and a thick ass Southern accent. Their date is a photo shoot and Joe’s proud of his dad body even though he definitely shouldn’t be. If I have to sweat my ass off at pilates then guess what? I’m not into your dad bod. The day you stop judging me for ordering gnocchi is the day you can embrace your soft, stupid stomach.

sam joe date

Joe doesn’t really get that the dudes in the house are mad at him so he offers Jared a shrimp quesadilla. Don’t know why I’m including that here, but it feels important.
Also during the course of Joe vs Bros things like, “You’re not villing” are said, which I think is a reference to the word villain and if so I hope you all die in a fire.

Clare makes another appearance when she has a phone conversation with a raccoon. The editors need to chill out with this shit because I bet at least 50% of the (dope-ass) hoes watching this show legit think she is on the phone with a raccoon. It’s editing, guys. She’s talking to her mom.

Also Carly is HORNY. Like, gross horny. They try to make this an interesting storyline where Kirk might dump her but then doesn’t. It is not interesting and they remain the ultimate snoozeville couple. Also he calls her a “pinball machine” and I don’t know what that means.

Jorge the Bartender and Ashley S. talk about Dan and it is perfection. Sadly Dan sees some “red flags” in Ashley but never actually says what the red flags are so I can only assume it’s that she squeezes the toothpaste tube instead of neatly rolling it up.

He talks to her about it and while her glasses make her look like a sexy librarian, it turns out she is actually a BAD BITCH, y’all. Girl takes ZERO bullshit and is like, “Hey man if you’re out, I’m out.” Which is the #1 bad bitch move of the century. No drama, no crying, just bye, I’ve got shit to do.

ashley s dan

Megan shows up in Paradise and I almost forgot how dumb she is. Don’t worry, she reminds us with a big, “ALOHA, MEXICO!!” She also calls a sombrero a so-brero and it makes me sad.

Joe finally admits that before going on the show he talked to Sam on social media, texts, phone calls, telegrams, webcams, snail mail, and walkie-talkie. Plus they passed notes in class. People are still like what?!?! Even though it’s the simplest thing in the world and I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

Juelia threatens the shit out of Joe and says she’s going to tell Sam about what Joe did to her. This won’t make a difference in Joe and Sam’s relationship because anyone who’s ever dated a man knows the first thing Joe will say is, “It was all for you” and Sam’ll be like OKAY! And it will be totally fine.

Also the second Juelia says she’s going to tell Sam, Joe starts apologizing like a fucking pussy. Quietly backing out of that shit like he just walked in on his parents having sex and they haven’t noticed him yet.

joe juelia

It took Ashley I. five episodes not to sob like a motherfucker and I have to say I really, really missed it. Can we get back to that? That was fun.

Already mentally ordering Indian food and pouring rosé for tonight’s fiesta…

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

 

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