Pass me a breadstick, I need a neck pillow.
Tag: eating
When I See My Food Coming Out
When You Invite Me Over For Dinner
Here You Go, Guys
Go about your Monday.
The Bachelorette Recap: “If You Were Making A Protein Shake…”
Look Iâm going to be honest, I really shit the bed on this one. My rosĂ© drunk, long-weekend ass didnât realize this shit wasnât recording until 8:09, so weâre gonna have to jump right into the action. My bad, y’all. My bad.
I turn on the TV in sheer panic/blind rage, only to find Chad the Villain lifting a DIY luggage weight belt like some kind of deranged lunatic whoâs been held in administrative segregation too long. (You guys watch Lockup? You should. It’s great.)
Also a bunch of bros are on a group date at a fire station, including Grant the actual fire fighter. No pressure, dude, but if you fuck this up youâre going to be the laughing stock of your entire station. Even the Dalmatian I assume every fire department has is going to be chuckling his spotted doggy face off.
Wells is on the date and he is like, NOT equipped to be a fire fighter. He looks like he should be sipping Perrier on a fucking sailboat, not running through actual flames to save lives. Or as he describes himself, âIâm so much not like everyone else here.â
Gorgeous sentence. He should be a writer.
Wells is suddenly paler than Emma Stoneâs upper thigh so I know heâs about to faint. Jojo comes to his aid and now everyone wishes THEY were about to faint. Guys, calm down. Do you really think she wants to fuck a guy who gets light headed after five minutes in a slightly heavy jacket? Negative.
Back at the mansion the rest of the guys write a song about Jojo called, wait for it, Jojo. Sounds like a hit, get Rihanna on the hook and send that shit to Seacrest.
Theyâre also hanging out in a kitchen that has so much god damn food I am FREAKING. OUT. Look at all this produce!!
I mean, my God. How many bell peppers can twenty men need? If youâre a Borrower (a tiny human living in the walls of a house, duh), this is the kitchen you wanna be in.
On the group date itâs down to Grant the fire fighter and Luke the cowboy, in an epic race to save Jojo from a burning building to win more time with her. Obviously Grant is going to crush it because if he doesnât he will probably leap off the building. But Luke, I gotta say, is a big ol’ bag of yum in the process.
Even after Grant wins, Fainty Wells gets the rose. But you know what he doesn’t get? A kiss because LIKE I SAID, there is nothing sexy about weakness and girl is all about the two men who made it to the final challenge like god damn men.
Itâs time for her one-on-one date with Derek, and all the dudes are forced to watch them leave in what must be the most emasculating send off of their lives.
“Bye Jojo, have fun! Bye Derek, hope you fall off a cliff and break every bone in your body!”
Their date is going to be all about CHOICES, and of course the first thing they do is get on a prop plane. Hi, remember me, Sam Jarvis? The hilarious bitch who HATES PROP PLANES??
Like, no. NO. No. Hereâs a choice: go fuck yourself. Iâm never getting on a prop plane.
Back at the house, Canadian Daniel and Chad the Villain are having a very important meeting for their Black Tank Top Club.
Chad thinks everyone is an ingenuine piece of shit, which he explains with the most confusing, absurd protein shake analogy Iâve ever heard in my entire life. Yo, what the FUCK are you talking about? Itâs here I realize that Chad is a muscle-obsessed douchenoodle. At first I thought he was just your average bad boy with a chiseled jaw, but the second I piece together luggage weight belts and protein shake analogies itâs like fuck, I am OUT.
On their one-on-one Derek gets choked up talking about his last relationship, which ended three years ago. Dude is like, straight up crying and I immediately think heâs about to say that his high school sweetheart was crushed to death in a tractor accident. Nope, she just cheated on him. Um, yawn. Big fuckinâ deal! Why don’t you cry about it OH WAIT YOU ALREADY ARE.
On the second group date they go to ESPN and play a little game called BachelorNation. I personally wish they’d gone to ESPN Zone for some pop-a-shot, but you can’t win them all. They have to do touchdown dances, someone refers to Jojo as âmerchandise,â and everybody has to fake propose to her. Basically, shit is awkward as FUCK.
Chad knows itâs awkward as fuck, and wonât tell her why he loves her because spoiler alert, he doesnât love her. Girl just wants to hear some good qualities about herself and he promptly calls her NAGGY. Audible gasps. Everyone: outraged. Youâd think he just called her a cunt by how flabbergasted they are.
Chadâs in the hot seat and explains that he was just being honest. And you know what? Jojoâs bad boy lovinâ ass buys that shit faster than a pair of espadrilles at Saks Off Fifth.
Back in what I assume is the room from Top Chef where they wait to hear who got kicked off because they over salted their pork loin, Chad is starting to unravel.
He doesn’t get why everyone is obsessed with her and is like, âIs this the first pretty girl yâall have seen?â Chadâs fucked some hot pieces, okay? Don’t get it twisted.
They leave ESPN and go to another cocktail party, where James T. explains to Jojo that although he is not named Abs McGee, he does have a love poem to read her. She CRIES and I have to give it to him, shit was pretty adorable.
More importantly Alex picks the WRONG CHAIR TO SIT IN.
Some Bachelor producer must be real fucking proud of themselves for this shit. They stood in a fancy ass production meeting like, âAnd weâll have the short guy sit in this humongous chair!â Raise, benefits, matching 401k for that genius.
Chad is missing at the start of the rose ceremony and of course heâs just sittin’ on the steps of the mansion, whiskey in hand, waiting for Jojo like the start of some weird stalker movie.
What was the one with Mark Wahlberg where he fingers Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster and then kills her dog? Fear? Itâs like that, kind of.
All the bros are pissed about it and DEMAND. AN EXPLANATION. Chadâs all, I went out to get some air and theyâre all, well did you see Jojo? And heâs all yeah I did I said ‘sup and theyâre all well what ELSE did you say? It is the dumbest exchange Iâve ever seen and every single one of these guys could benefit from taking a fucking Xanax.
And now for a segment I like to call Chad and His Meats. Chad eats tons and tons of deli meat during this party and I am suddenly starting to think it is possible that Chad is my soulmate.
Maybe thatâs really all I need in life and it doesnât matter if my partner is a complete psycho with serious anger issues, so long as I have someone to sit and eat honey maple turkey with, you know? Things to think about.
In reality Chad is eating all of this meat so he can beef up (LOL) for the big fight heâs about to get in. He explains to BFF Canadian Daniel that everyone here is a pussy to which Daniel responds, âa gang, ey?â Jesus Christ. (“Could he BE any more Canadian?” âChandler Bing)
Chad keeps cutting into everyoneâs time with Jojo and Alex is OVER IT and somehow thinks he can take him. He wants to punch him in the face, which is hilarious because if he swung for Chadâs face I think his fist would land somewhere mid-chest. Chad is 6â4ââ, buddy. That is one tall drink of toxic water and he will pound your face in.
Chad gets up in Alexâs grill and goes, âKeep it up and youâre going to lose your teeth.â I am now rubbing my hands together and chuckling, gleefully sipping my vanilla milkshake as I turn up the volume on my TV. Now weâre getting into it!!
Chad gets the final rose and everybody is shocked, JUST SHOCKED, even though he has the best body in the house so really they should be the exact opposite of shocked.
Next week Chad beats the fuck out of somebody, I think. Tune in!
Also, here’s Christian’s dick:
Read last week’s recap here.
Or other recaps here.Â
Be a doll and follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I’m funny.
When You’ve Got The Munchies But No Food In The House
Throw a little Sriracha on there, kid!
New Webisode Idea
Tune in next week for, “Sam Eats Several Handfuls of Cheez-Its.”