GUYS! HEY!! HOLY SHIT I MISSED YOU! I’VE BEEN WELL, THANKS. JUST TRUCKING ALONG, WRITING FOR A TELEVISION SHOW AND CONSTANTLY DYING MY HAIR BLONDE. (ALSO EATING TONS OF BREAKFAST BURRITOS!)

Sorry, I had to use a paper towel as a coffee filter this morning so things are just all WACKY on my end. We kick off this season with Nick passionately exclaiming, “I’m Nick and I’m the Bachelor,” in case any of you were sitting at home going, “Hm, I’ve been waiting for this day for four fucking months, but I can’t for the life of me remember who the big show’s all about. Luke? Chase? A newly single and batshit crazy Josh Murray?” LOLZ.

We check out what Nick’s been up to since he dumped Jen’s ass on a beach, and here he is pretending he still has a job:

Nice workbag. It’s probably filled to the brim with head shots and Sugar Bear hair vitamins.

We then take a stroll down memory lane, reliving all of Nick’s heartbreaks. Oh, you thought this shit started with Andi? Nah, we’re going way the fuck back. This far back:

One of his forty sisters thinks he looks like a vampire and I completely agree.

Back in what I assume is beautiful CALABASAS, CALIFORNIA, Ben, Sean Lowe and Chris Soules talk about Nick behind his back. They all say that he used to be a total tool bag and it’s like, you know who’s a total tool bag?

Yes. You guys. YOU are the tool bags. Nick sits down with them and Sean is being a straight up asshole, which is almost as bad of a look on him as when he is anywhere near sunlight and gets red as shit. Fuck you, Sean! Nick is way more smokin’ hot, so take a seat (in the shade). Then Chris starts talking and my best friend Natalie has to wake me. He is very boring.

Y’all know what it’s time for. To meet the ladiezzz!!!! First up is Rachel, who thank god is an attorney, because she’s vacuuming all wrong.

Like, that is not how you hold a vacuum! We meet lots of other lovely chicas including an adorable special needs teacher, and some type of cat-loving nurse that is a hard no for me.

Then we meet Corinne. Oh, Corinne. You are silly. This girl thinks she runs a multi-million dollar company even though I’m pretty sure her dad just has her desktop set on Kid Pix and she hasn’t realized that you in fact do NOT file purchase orders by clicking on the little icon of a paint can.

If I’ve already lost you, she has a nanny who feeds her cucumbers. That’s all you need to know.

We of course also meet a woman who is obsessed with dolphins, because why wouldn’t we! Although if she doesn’t have a dolphin tattoo on her ankle I’m going to go ahead and call bullshit. EVERYONE who loves dolphins has a dolphin tattoo on their ankle. That’s just one of those life things you can count on.

She definitely marches to the beat of her own drum. THAT, is for sure.

Now Liz is up, who we’ve all read about in desperate anticipation of this season. See, Liz has already boned Nick. They met at Jade and Tanner’s wedding because Liz was Jade’s maid of honor. At first Liz tells the cameras, “We met already,” then she’s like, “We kissed,” and within twelve seconds is like, “WE FUCKED, I DON’T CARE WHO KISSES HIM ON THE FIRST NIGHT!”

I don’t trust her. Neither should you.

But it’s time for some betches to get out of some limos driven by a female driver, amiright?! However first, I’d like to hear more about Chris Harrison’s skincare routine.

Is he using Dr. Jart products? I bet he’s using Dr. Jart products.

First girl out of the limo is a hottie, per usual. Then we meet someone who did exactly what I would have to do if I wanted to make a good impression on Nick:

Get it? ‘Cause my face is busted. Another girl tells him that because his last name is Viall and hers is Hussy, together they’re a disgusting slut. (“Gurl, you ALONE are a disgusting slut!” -The meaner side of my humor)

There are trust falls, Eskimo kisses, and Neil Lane shows up because he’s on some sort of retainer with The Bachelor franchise and/or they keep him locked in the wine cellar of the mansion and we can’t see his shackles from this angle.

And then, THEN, it’s finally time for Liz to get out of the limo. This is the face of a man attempting to figure out how he knows a girl:

The calm panic of deciding if you’ve fucked the person you’re talking to. We’ve all been there. No? Okay.

Now Nick’s arguing with someone about who makes better French toast and I feel myself lifting my arm in the air to ask, “Um, guys? Isn’t it just bread dunked in eggs?” Also my friend’s grandma used to make the best French toast so I don’t even know why they’re debating any of this.

This next girl tells a joke and then makes the exact same face I do when I realize someone forgot to charge me for the extra avocado:

But nothing can top Josephine, who pulls a cold hot dog out of a book and forces Nick to eat it.

I mean truthfully, books and hot dogs are two of my favorite things on the planet, so although Nick looks absolutely horrified, this bitch might be my soulmate.

Back inside the women are losing their shit about how everyone is dressed in red. It’s unclear how high of an education these women have received, but I’m happy to see that they know their colors. That’s a start! That’s a start.

At the cocktail party, there is great debate about if the girl dressed as a dolphin is actually dressed as a shark. Don’t they usually have like, four marine biologists on this show? Let’s get some facts! I’m seeing a curved dorsal fin, which is points for team dolphin but the presence of gills is making me vote shark. I mean, not even this listing for a shark costume knows what it is.

Either way, here is their first reaction to seeing her:

She then holds her drink with her fin, which makes me giggle WAY more than it should and I’m not even high on marijuana.

LOL!!

Corinne kisses Nick and shit is ON. Someone immediately says, “What a ho,” which is HILARIOUS and just some classic bachelor slut-shaming. Sure, Corinne sucks. This is obvious. But I don’t think kissing a dude makes someone a ho. I don’t even think blowing a guy in a movie theater parking lot makes you a ho! I know, it’s just me and Gloria Steinem, doing God’s work. (Of course if you’ve ever accidentally plucked your eyebrows too thin, you know there is no God.)

Nick is mad at Liz for not giving him her number after the Tolbert wedding and then suddenly showing up at Bachelor mansion like the thirsty fame whore we all are inside. She tries to explain it but can’t, so now it really DOES seem like she’s only here for Insta followers and to constantly give him a look like she’s going to get secretly pregnant with his babies, or perhaps already has and that’s her big reveal for their one-on-one date. (“Surprise! It’s really a two-on-one date, meet your son Anwar!” -Liz)

Right? She’s a fuckin’ psycho. You think Corinne is the villain here because she’s an easy target but I’ll tell you right now, Liz is the one who’s off her god damn rocker.

Rachel gets the first impression rose and besides having zero vacuuming skills, I think she’s a great choice.

All the other girls in red dresses are FURIOUS that they didn’t pick a more distinct color, which is only funny to me because there is zero chance Nick noticed the color of anyone’s dress at all except the girl in bright yellow because wow, that is aggressive.

At the rose ceremony, betches be trippin’. I hope everyone is wearing Degree 24 Hour Protection® because I tell you what, that Dove shit ain’t gonna keep ya nervous-ass pits from sweating, and then you won’t be able to return these gowns to David’s Bridal.

Liz of course gets the final rose, because what would this season be if it didn’t include all of the women finding out the two of them have already slept together?!

Everyone who didn’t get a rose gets to leave at what I assume is 9 o’clock in the morning, with a goody bag chock-full of the sads.

I’m not usually a bettin’ woman (I am), but Vanessa the French-speaking special ed teacher and first-impression rose Rachel are my front runner picks this season. I know some of you want me to add in that neonatal nurse but I can’t hear a fucking word she says so until she starts PROJECTING HER VOICE, she is not on the top of my list.

Check back next week for more of the shit storm. Goodnight, and good luck.

Read more Bachelor recaps here.

Or my non-Bachelor but still HILARIOUS writing here.

Bonus photo, me standing in front of my projector VERY EXCITED that this season has started: