Look I’m gonna be real, I woke up at 5:30 in the morning yesterday, went to work, EXERCISED, worked on my writing, made dinner (jk I watched my boyfriend do it), and then READ A BOOK so by the time Nick Viall graced my god damn television screen for a new episode I was practically crying over such a sweet reward for a day well done.

I know I should’ve put that in a fucking diary but YOU GUYS ARE MY DIARY!! Just soak it in, accept it. Anyway the girls are excited about the dates this week, especially Sarah, who is making a face like a brunch waitress is refilling her bottomless mimosa.

The first group date features no fewer than one thousand women, and they will all be modeling wedding gowns in a photo shoot with Nick. Except some of the girls will actually just have to be bridesmaids. LOL! Some producer with weak-at-best personal relationships is cackling from their office as we speak going, “God dammit that was a great idea. These bitches will flip out!”

So some girls get wedding dresses and some get bridesmaid dresses, except Brittany gets to be Eve from Adam and Eve for no reason at all.

They give her extra small bikini bottoms, which if any of you have seen my ass know would not work for me. Fabulous, it is. Extra small, it is not. Then they get their hair and makeup done, and it is here that I learn of a device I will lovingly title a “hairspray windshield.”

Guys, this is why celebrities look so god damn flawless all the time! They’re using strange beauty contraptions to get their shit tight while I’m sitting here caking hairspray into my forehead.

By now Corinne has started drinking heavily, which is the tell tale sign of a good villain. She starts talking about being #1 and going #2, because if I know men like I THINK I know men, they love hearing about girls taking dumps.

But then Brittany comes out dressed like Eve, looking foyne as hell, and shits all over Corinne’s poop talk. Corinne is, for lack of a better word, jelly.

The dolphin girl has to dress as a shotgun bride, so she goes from a dolphin/shark to a fake pregnancy belly, which just goes to show how flawlessly she disappears into a role. Although if I’m being honest, since I’ve only seen her in a humongous burlap sack of an orca outfit, she could have been actually pregnant that whole time and this is the big reveal, ya know? Anyway they take this photo together:

I assume it was the photographer who suggested she mime vaginal childbirth, because he seems like the type to suggest that, doesn’t he?

Yes he does. Now the Adam and Eve photo shoot happens, and it is even more strange than you would imagine because they triple kiss with an apple.

Corinne hates it but I’m more concerned with the historical accuracy of it all. Were Adam and Eve even married? I thought they were like, two randos? This is supposed to be a bridal shoot.

It’s Corinne’s turn to take pics so of course she immediately takes her top off in a pool, because that’s what drunk ladies do sometimes. It’s just our nature. Then she asks Nick to, ahem, Janet Jackson her boobs. Here is how the other girls take it:

I’d like to take this moment to NOT comment on her choice to have a man grab her boobs, because honestly I don’t give a fuck if you ask a stranger to touch your boobs, but to instead announce that although I once thought her choker was adorable, I see now that it has turned her neck green.

Girl, get some of that 925 silver! You run a multi-million dollar company, let’s wear the good shit.

At the group date cocktail party all the girls want to talk to Nick but Corinne keeps interrupting and stealing him from everyone. She interrupts the dolphin girl and I’m like OH HELL NO, then interrupts hot ass Taylor and I am laughing out loud. Corinne, you crazy!

But then, THEN, hot ass Taylor interrupts Corinne right back and I am screaming. This is pure gold. Yas, kween. That master’s degree is coming in handy, giving her all sorts of smart ideas!

However Nick still gives the group date rose to Corinne, because although I want this to be a simple documentary film about love, I realize that it is a TV show with extremely high ratings and they don’t just fall out of the god damn sky. Ratings must be curated, and this is how they do it.

It’s time for Danielle’s one on one, so Nick tells her a bit more about himself.

Also they land a helicopter on a yacht, NBD. Oh, you go on dates to Buca di Beppo? Cute.

Back at the mansion Liz caves and tells Christen about her past relationship with Nick. …What happened with them again? (This is obviously a big ol’ joke, since gurl has mentioned several times that she met Nick AT JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING AND THEY HAD SEX.)

On the date with Danielle, she opens up about how she was once engaged but found her husband dead after an overdose. The mood is very somber, but she is handling her honesty like an adult and I appreciate that. Then they kiss on a ferris wheel (Nick loves ferris wheels) and live out all of our Notebook/Ryan Gosling wet dreams.

On the second group date, the girls go to a broken relationship museum (?) with Nick, where they find out they each have to dump him in front of an audience. Based on my previous break up experience, I’m pretty sure my time would be spent mumbling and picking at my fingernails.

Astrid is up first and she tells him she doesn’t know if she can accept his rose, and his response is, “I didn’t give you a rose,” as if he’s never been to a fucking improv class before. It’s YES, AND, Nick. Jesus Christ, imagine being his scene partner! It would go something like this:

You: Wow, I hope we make it to the wedding on time!
Nick: We don’t have a wedding to go to, we’re at a carnival!
You: Okay, may I have a bite of your cotton candy then?
Nick: This is a corn dog.

The Russian chick dumps him because he doesn’t floss, and then this girl slaps him, HARD.

Talk about a grab bag of break ups! But now Liz is up, and I think based on the emphasis she has put on NEEDING TO TALK TO HIM, every person watching this episode sighs with a collective, “Oh no.”

She reads him the story of their one night stand, including name dropping Jade and Tanner, and Christen is sitting there like she’s watching her favorite soap. This shit is fucking juicier than a FILET, Y’ALL.

Nick can barely look at her but when he does, manages to emote the perfect facial expression for, “Bitch, why are you doing this to me?”

He describes it as, “Living my nightmare,” which is also what I say when my gel manicure starts to chip. At the group date cocktail thing (in a vacant nightclub because why the hell not), Nick is already freaking out that all these women know about Liz because ya know, she told them in front of everyone mere hours ago.

So when Christen starts spilling the beans on how much she knows, Nick is so uncomfortable that he can’t stop scratching his neck.

Pretty sure it’s at this point that he’s like aight, Liz has got to GO because I know very few people who end up marrying someone who gives them so much social anxiety that they break  into neck hives.

So the two of them talk, and Nick is still like GIRL, WHY YOU HERE?! What he should say is, “Look we already boned, and now I’m trying to bone these other people.” He can’t take it any more and is bugging the fuck out, so he sends her home. Liz is not happy about this.

He of course immediately tells the other girls on the date about their past, which leaves them all SHOCKED but not as SHOCKED as the rest of the fuckin’ house is going to be in about twenty minutes when a van full of crying betches rolls up.

So we get the inevitable To Be Continued… because that shit is next week’s problem.

Read last week’s recap here. Or my Golden Globes recap here. 

THANKS FOR READING, LITTLE NOODLES! ❤