Ah, to win an Emmy. (Somewhere in the Hollywood Hills Emmy Rossum throws her clenched fists into the air as she quotes Princess Jasmine- “I am not a prize to be won!!”)

We start off with Andy Samberg’s musical number about how he’s watched every single show on TV this year, except he leaves out the one he actually fucking stars in, Brooklyn Nine Nine. You play detective Jake Peralta, remember? His opening monologue is very TOPICAL but let’s be real, I don’t need to hear another Kim Davis joke for the rest of my life. Over her, over her long ass hair.

The first category is supporting actress in a comedy series, and there are SO MANY NOMINEES. I mean, holy shit. It’s like you’re having a super cool birthday party and only want to invite a few girls but have to include everyone in the class because you’re in 2^nd grade and that’s just how it’s done.

Allison Janney wins, which is great because she’s been one of my faves since 10 Things I Hate About You when she played a principal writing an erotic novel and she kept referring to the guy’s dick as his quivering member. “Judith! What’s another word for engorged?”

Veep wins for writing, and also for supporting actor in a comedy series. As Tony Hale walks up to accept his award, the narrator chick (who usually says things like, “This is Tony’s second win and third nomination”) instead shares this fun factoid: “He was so excited about his nomination that he forgot to take his daughter to camp.” Um, cool story, bro. Do you really think that when Tony motherfucking Hale sits at home and replays his Emmy moment on the DVR he wants to hear you talk about how he forgot to take his child to camp? (I hope none of these people ever “replay their Emmy moment.”)

Jill Soloway wins for best comedy director for Transparent, and this bitch right here walks up and immediately thanks Goddess. Fuck yes, girl. You do you. Jimmy Kimmel eats the envelope for comedy actor, which is given to Jeffrey Tambor.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus of course crushes it for Veep, and it’s here that I realize she DOES NOT AGE. Like, at all. Is not currently aging. Do we know what type of moisturizer she uses? Is it at all possible that she bought it for less than ten dollars at CVS? No? K.

We’re onto the Limited Series or Movie category, which I am totally confused about until it dawns on me that they used to be called Mini Series. Guys, it’s fine to keep calling it that, it’s not like the word “mini” diminishes the ten thousand famous actors in it and makes it less special. Stop mystifying me with your word trickery.

So, what IS an Olive Kitteridge? Something we should all be watching, I take it. Everyone who ever did anything for that shit wins an Emmy, including my home girl Frances McDormand who continues to be DOPE AS HELL.

PS, um, the Emmys were sponsored by the movie The Intern? Seems a TINY bit ironic that a movie is funding the biggest celebration of television in the world. Everybody’s all like fuck movies!! Movies suck! …Except The Intern, in theaters September 25^th.

Also the screen on stage is SO FUCKING HUGE that these people might as well be watching this shit from home. They’re all just staring at this fucking screen! Do you see Andy Samberg in the bottom left? That is how outrageously humongous this screen is. I cannot get over it.

We must have moved into Variety Series, because now The Daily Show is winning everything. Someone I used to work with wins an Emmy and although this is great news for him I feel physically ill and think I am going to throw up. (“Just because I’m sitting on my couch doesn’t mean I am less successful.” -something I will repeat to myself as I down another vodka tonic and contemplate my dwindling checking account.)

Hmm, I wonder what category we’re onto now? If only there was some sort of visual cue to help me understand…

Game of Thrones wins for writing, Peter Dinklage for supporting actor. Uzo Aduba wins for supporting actress and CRIES A LOT. She is adorable, but that speech was a little cray cray. I am not the only person who feels this way because suddenly my phone is buzzing next to me as I cram another wedge of brie into my mouth.

Responding in Bitmojis is really the only way to live. Anyway Viola Davis wins best actress, and Jon Hamm finally wins a fucking Emmy after SIXTEEN NOMINATIONS and this is how he gets up on stage:

Beautiful. Veep and Games of Thrones are the big series winners, but really in my heart of hearts the winner is me because I get to see Tracy Morgan present an award. I LOVE YOU TRACY, YOU ARE A SHINING STAR IN THE GALAXY OF LIFE.

The main things I took from the Emmys were: an extreme sense of envy, and the realization that walking a red carpet in 100 degree weather is fucking funny to watch (SO much blotting) and next year the Emmys should take place on the surface of the sun.

Everyone in their thousands of dollars worth of crap silently cursing about how badly their thighs are chafing? Count me in.

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