I want you guys to know that I’m at my parents house this week, and instead of spending precious time with the people who birthed and raised and supported me, here I sit on the living room floor drinking rosé and watching what appears to be week 40 million of this thing. That’s how much I love you guys. (And this entire beautiful franchise.)
Like every episode this season, we left off with Ashley crying about Jared.
We are now at the point in the season when there are too many people in paradise, so the opening credits go on FOREVER and it’s like guys, tonight’s episode is only an hour and I’m pretty sure you burned up at least twelve minutes showing who’s all here. Just get to the good shit and we’ll figure it out!!
So Izzy’s having doubts about Vinny, and also wants to go to pound town with Brett. She talks with Vinny about all of this and dude is heart. broken. He was falling for this girl and she’s throwing it away on somebody’s looks! Vinny cries, Vinny leaves.
Let me start off by saying I was recently corrected on some of my Bachelor shit, so it’s time for me to publicly apologize. Apparently Nick’s hot piece is JEN, not JENNA. No idea why I went fucking rogue as shit and added letters but maybe part of my subconscious wanted to make her a TINY BIT more interesting. Anyway sorry JEN.
We left off in paradise at a pre-rose cocktail party, where Ashley is sobbing her eyeballs out.
Real talk, when I came home last night from a long ass hair appointment all I wanted in the whole wide world was to watch this shit. And because there is no God, my DVR only recorded TWO MINUTES of CHOPPY ASS footage. Le sigh. I tell you kind souls this because I was forced to watch it on Hulu this morning and my screenshot game has been seriously compromised. So if you’re reading this going, “Ugh, Sam, not your best” know that I KNOW THAT ALREADY so kindly fuck off. Now! Where were we?!
Do they provide SPF in paradise, or are all of these people going to look 90 when they’re 42? (“Hi Grandma!” “I’m not your grandma, I’m your mom.”)
We left off with Evan standing on a cliff’s edge, trying to be talked down by a suicide negotiator. Okay technically he was on his way to pull Amanda away from Josh, but those two activities are sort of one in the same to me.
I’m gonna be honest with you noodles, the relief I felt when I saw that Tuesday nights are going to be hour-long episodes instead of two is FOR REAL. Like yes, my goofy ass eats this shit up but at some point you gotta give a bitch a break. I need some SPACE, Bachelor in Paradise.
So Josh and Amanda are still making out all over the place, I assume only taking breaks when one of them misses their own reflection in a mirror and needs to go visit themselves for a bit.
Nick is salty as hell about it, but basically it’s distracting for everyone.
Christian shows up and Josh immediately tells him that he and Amanda have a connection so he can fuck off with any notion he had about dating her. Please picture me giving a HUGE EYE ROLL. Here is Josh’s stupid face as he says that stupid shit:
Get. Over. Yourself.
I know you guys SAY the Olympics are cool, but if Chris Harrison isn’t hosting them I’m really not interested. (“What an incredible journey… of swimming laps in a pool.” –Chris at the Olympics)
We kick things off with a few new cast intros, which include Lace in all her elegance.
Meanwhile Chad’s in what I like to call the See Ya Never Van, drinking like a god damn fish while everybody else sits in the sand talking about that time he said he was going to murder everyone’s family.
Look I’m going to be honest, by the time I pressed play on my DVR I was already a little emotionally Bachelor-ed out this week. But the second they rolled out their campy-ass intros I suddenly felt… Excited. Alive. Fucking PUMPED, for some fucking PARADISE.
Chris Harrison starts us off with some really weird poetic analogies about how “the sea is as salty as the tears of the broken hearted” and I’m immediately 100% sold on this entire season.
Also, the twins are here!
Lovely. Since we last saw everybody Jubilee has learned that she has resting bitch face (great call), Nick has nicknamed himself “The Runner Up,” and most importantly Evan kept THE SHIRT.
He buys a new one, and my boyfriend laughs out loud when Evan asks to try on a medium.
Back in Mexico, Canadian Daniel compares himself to herpes, because why the fuck not. Every single thing that comes out of his mouth is a catch phrase that should be printed on a mug. He loves rating girls AND comparing them to fruits, which in my mind means he has a very specific ranking system for his produce (Apples are 4’s, Kiwis are 9’s).
He talks to one of the twins and the other twin’s only commentary on the matter is, “Oh God, he’s high-fiving her,” which should honestly be the name of a self-help book on dating.
Daniel over-guesses Izzy’s age (“Who?” –All of us), and she doesn’t take it well, but I’m too entranced by how badly Jubilee wants to fuck Jared to give a shit. I am not personally on the Jared train, but Jubilee is tryna get all up in them guts.
A parrot suddenly warns us of danger!! Which means Chad is en route. Like, somebody in a writer’s room actually sat there and was like, “We will simulate an earthquake and/or a Godzilla encounter by showing close-ups of water glasses shaking, a parrot will give a distress call, and then Chad will walk into Paradise.” And other people in that room were like, “Great! Yes. Good.”
Anyway so Chad arrives and Evan immediately starts rifling through Chad’s luggage, because Evan has an actual death wish and has put no value on his life.
Chad and Lace hit it off for I assume the same reason that the polar ice caps are melting, which is that there is no God and this whole world is just one big blob of fuckery.
The problem is they’re making out a lot but are also like, hitting each other? They’ve drank too much, guys. TOO MUCH.
They keep slapping each other and calling each other like dogs, I think because they’re both trying to establish some sort of shit-faced dominance in their 12-minute long relationship and I just don’t see this working out long term.
Jubilee asks Jared to go on a piñata date, and I am so jealous because this is TOTALLY a place where I would thrive. They don’t call me Sam “Candy Whore” Jarvis for nothing.
But suddenly a clown is lurking behind the piñatas and Jubilee and I both are like OH HELL NO.
Like, I am fucking OUT. I’m out, Jubilee’s out, we’re both OUT. It’s also worth mentioning that Jared immediately runs away, making ZERO attempt to save her. Man up, Jared! You’re busted.
Back on the beach Izzy and Vinny are in love, and I have officially decided that if I were on Bachelor in Paradise I would immediately make friends with whatever group of people was just sitting together eating Mexican food.
Lace and Chad are a complete fucking disaster at this point, and Canadian Daniel is making a last-ditch effort to help a brother out. He’s like Chad, people are scared and you need to stop talking about murder and rape! I mean, that is just sound advice.
Everybody fucking HATES Chad now and Sarah didn’t come to paradise to deal with aggressive, drunk, abusive jerks, okay? Chad immediately calls her a “one-armed bitch” and I am screaming. Somebody shove an adrenaline needle into my sternum, I think my heart has stopped. Emily (maybe Haley??) agrees with me:
Chad tells Daniel to stop being so murder-y because Chad is OBSESSED with the word murder. He’s like a small child who has just learned the word for his genitals and incessantly runs up and down the grocery aisle shouting, “Penis! Penis! I have a penis!” That is how into the word murder Chad is.
Finally, The Chad Bear hibernates in the sand and a crab crawls under his head.
But the story of the morning is about how Chad allegedly POOPED HIS PANTS in his sleep.
Did he just smell his shorts for poop?? No. NO. I can’t.
Dude, you pooped your fucking pants. And not because you ate Indian food and got stuck in traffic. You drank too much and SHIT YOURSELF. I cannot and WILL NOT get over this.
Here’s how everyone else feels about him, summed up in one photo:
Chris Harrison calls everyone to the rose palapa, which sounds like a magical place I would love to visit. And because I haven’t done a Bachelor in Paradise recap in almost a year, I will remind everyone that a palapa is what those little beach hut things are called from the Corona commercials. See, it’s fun to learn!
So Chris gets them to gather ‘round, and I’m pretty sure the first words out of his mouth are going to be, “Chad, you shit your pants last night.” But he doesn’t say that (even though I know he’s thinking it) and instead is like, “Chad, you told all of the staff at this hotel to suck a dick.”
Chad is like nah I didn’t! And Chris is like yah bra, you did. Then you shit yourself. Chad cannot comprehend that he is being kicked out of paradise, and now wants to fight Chris Harrison. It’s the silliest thing I have ever witnessed.
Chris Harrison is a multi-millionaire and a TRUE GENTLEMAN and Chad if you lay a finger on him that motherfucker is going to sue you so fast you’ll shit your pants, again.
So Chads gone, but I guess not really because he comes back next week. The main thing to take away from, “This season, on Bachelor in Paradise…” is that this fucking show is going to be on TWICE A WEEK. Is it two hours twice a week? Jesus Christ, guys. I have a LIFE TO LIVE. I watch OTHER SHOWS. I can’t do four hours of this mess every week!! Sigh.
Read my Bachelorette finale recap here. Or other ones here.
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For the record I was going to title this recap, “FUCK YOU, CHRIS HARRISON” but I think I’ll just get it written on a cake instead. Seems more festive.
Like any thrill ride with twists, turns and things moving too fast, eventually it all comes to a stop and when it does, you have to try not to barf.
Let’s start with the fact that Chris Harrison says fin-ahh-lee, as in, word that rhymes with Bali. You fancy, Mr. Harrison! My Chicago-born ass is sitting here pronouncing things like a god damn soccer mom, “Let’s check out a pep rally in an alley before watching the finale.”
Back in Thailand Jojo has found herself in “a bit of a predicament,” which is the understatement of the year. Aaron Rodgers’ brother shows up to meet her family and gets out of a weird car holding weird flowers.
He is one of those guys who your parents think is charming, but your brothers know is a piece of shit. That is what is happening here, in Thailand, with the Fletchers. (In Thailand With The Fletchers is a new spin-off show I’m workshopping.)
I’m not sure why but he gives them all silly hats that are straight up out of a Mr. Potato Head box, and then Jojo’s mother proceeds to tell him that Jojo has trust issues. Hold. Up. If the first thing out of my mom’s mouth was emotional baggage filled with dirty laundry (“Whoa Sam, that was really cool what you did there, with those phrases” –You guys) I’d be like CAN IT, MA. Damn.
He explains that he and Jojo are best friends, and then he holds hands with her mom, they start sobbing hysterically, and light a unity candle while burning sage in their underwear. None of that actually happens, except the hand holding part.
Aaron Rodgers’ brother is feeling pret-ty good about himself and like every successful encounter he’s ever had with a woman, is thinking, “Nailed it!! Hit the locker room!” Except dude kind of sort of did NOT ask her father for her hand in marriage. Way to go, buddy. Way to fucking go.
There are two things that are important to Jojo: having a lot of eyelash extensions, and a man asking for her father’s blessing before he proposes. Aaron Rodgers’ brother really shit the bed on this one (which happens to be the name of his memoir).
It’s Robby’s turn to meet dem folks, and look at his skin tone:
Very blush colored. Bright but still in the pastel family, which is Robby’s favorite family ever in the whole wide world, including Jojo’s.
Robby tells a story that starts with, “In Uruguay, atop a cliff before we jumped-“ and it’s like c’mon, Robby. It’s not like you paid for this fucking trip so no need to act like you really swept her off your feet with your Expedia itinerary.
Anyway he tells her fambo that he was the first to say I love you to Jojo, and her father and I agree this is not a fucking accomplishment. Here is her father’s face when he tells him that:
He then asks both her parents for her hand in marriage and says a LOT OF WORDS, and honestly where are this boy’s cue cards?? Does he have an earpiece in? Either he has this speech written in smudgy ink on his hand or he has a secret MFA in theater because dude is CRUSHING IT.
Jojo’s dad is honored that Robby will be in their family and I hear myself going, “He won’t be though,” because like my refrigerator that is currently on the fritz, I like to spoil things.
Robby leaves and now Jojo and her family talk about the guys she’s fucking and I just cannot imagine my family doing any of this. Getting camera ready and sitting on a couch going, “Well Sam, you have to follow your heart…” In NO WORLD would anyone I’m related to do that and I respect the hell out of them for it.
Jojo finds out that Aaron Rodgers’ brother DID NOT ASK FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE and it like, upsets her to her core.
Her parents are basically like welp, Robby is the best, and Jojo gets actually pissed at them for it and starts throwing a teenage tempter tantrum, the theme of which is, “Oh OKAY so you’re all Team Robby then,” while she crosses her arms and won’t look any of them in the eye.
On Jojo and Robby’s final date he tells the weirdest story I have ever heard in my entire life. One day they’ll hear the pitter patter of little feet while cooking meatloaf but they’ll be laughing so much with their small children (that have identical hair bumps as Robby, I assume) that they’ll overcook the meatloaf but who cares because they’re happy and delivery pizza tastes better anyway? I’m like HUH???
At this point I’m very concerned for Robby because dude is like, TOO SURE about all of this. Also he gives her some photos he printed, so I guess we can all point blame at a certain CVS Photo Center employee who is clearly Reality Steve’s secret source for information.
Jojo’s date with Aaron Rodgers’ brother doesn’t seem to be going well, probably because girl starts playing the ultimate game of I’m Mad At You, Let’s See How Long It Takes You To Figure It Out. Obviously her first move is, “How was your conversation with my dad? Oh it was great? What did you talk about?” In the words of that thing from Star Wars, IT’S A TRAP!!!!
She is fucking mad and doesn’t understand how he doesn’t KNOW it will be them at the end and he’s kind of like uh, Robby? Remember Robby? He’s still here, right?
Speaking of the actual devil, before Robby picks out an engagement ring he brings us behind the curtain to witness how the fuck he gets his hair to look so insane. It is apparently a four step process, outlined below.
HA. Great. He then meets Neil Lane who says, “I’m Neil Lane,” to which Robby responds with, “I’m Robby Hayes.” Neil Lane doesn’t care about your last name, Robby!
He picks out a ring, it is very sparkly.
PS: what is Robby’s job? A job says a LOT about a person so it’s weird to me that besides once being a fucking swimmer, I have no idea what this fool does for a living.
Now Aaron Rodgers’ brother calls Jojo’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage because ya know, he done goofed earlier. He also writes her a letter that appears to have all of the words and makings of something I would not want to receive.
And now, it’s time. THE TIME. Jojo of course had a moment of clarity when she woke up this morning, which is what they all say in a last-ditch effort to make you think this betch really was torn until the second she says goodbye to one of them even know WE ALL KNOW she is only in love with one guy and has been playing the other one like a fucking fiddle for the sake of amazing television (which, for the record, I appreciate).
Whoever gets out of the limo first is a goner and I think we can all agree that there is only one person in the entire country of Thailand that these socks could possibly belong to.
Bye, Robby. He’s ready to propose, and I look over at my two beautiful friends Natalie and Jordan who are watching this with me and I realize that we are all holding our breaths, bracing for impact.
She dumps his ass and he is kind of like wait, what? Because see the magic of this show is they NEVER SEE IT COMING.
He rides home in the van wearing his seat belt all wrong, like somebody who has lost the will to live. It will get better, Robby! Don’t try to kill yourself in this weird production van!
And now, the part with all the love. Aaron Rodgers’ brother comes up to her and says a bunch of really great things that I hope someone says to me one day (NOT IN FRONT OF CAMERAS) and she is like I love you! So much! Yes! Yay! And they get engaged.
I MEAN look at these happy motherfuckers:
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE, we check back in with Chris Harrison who promises to stir up some Aaron Rodgers family drama so although it is getting late as fuck on the West Coast, I’m in.
Robby comes out and he is really not okay, which I get because girl made his heart explode into shrapnel like, two months ago. However I am not digging his checkered pocket square/tie/small lapel flower situation and I’ll say that on record. No need to transition from pastels to patterns, Robby. One of these days we’ll put you in a nice navy blue and see how ya do.
He explains to Chris Harrison that he honestly thought he was the only man left in Thailand by the end of it. Yikes. She tells him her heart was always with Aaron Rodgers’ brother which again confirms what I said earlier about how they are always in love with the one person the whole time and the rest is just television trickery.
Robby asks if she ever wonders about what their lives would’ve been like and she is like, no? I mean he really truly thinks that it came down to the last straw, and she was in love with him. He KEEPS SAYING that she said she was in love with him and it’s like Robby, let me help you out here: she was not in love with you. She was in love with Aaron Rodgers’ brother.
Also someone went a BIT aggressive with her hair extensions. Whoa.
Anyway at some point in the night Robby leaves and now Chad is saying he was ALSO a marine, it wasn’t just Luke and Alex and I’m like say what now? Did I smoke too much weed tonight? Where is he going with this?
They bring Aaron Rogers’ brother out and he and Jojo are ADORABLE together because let’s be real, she WOULD marry an NFL player who she literally already has mutual friends with. Duh. Makes so much sense. Also he is the most fuckable person on the show so it was kind of a no brainer here.
They just want to go to Chipotle together, okay? They want to go to Chipotle and then move into their NEW HOUSE IN DALLAS. If you’re eating Chipotle all I can say is I hope the new digs have more than one bathroom (that was a poop joke).
Chris Harrison attempts to ask about Aaron Rodgers and their family shit storm and they are not having it, which is a total letdown.
We end on Chris Harrison plugging the new season of Bachelor in Paradise, which he describes has, “Truly a train wreck.” If I didn’t have this intense obligation to all you fuckers I would be like hey, I’ll watch that shit this weekend and really relax but obviously I can’t do that so please GET EXCITED for my Bachelor in Paradise recaps, as they will start tomorrow!
It should be good. Paradise is really where they let the hinges fall off.
Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.
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Before we say goodbye to Aaron Rodgers’ brother forever, as a send off of sorts, let’s take a moment to appreciate the intense focus he has while doing his hair. He takes it VERY SERIOUSLY.
Thank you, that is all.
Those Bachelor producers should take a second job in gift wrapping, because boy can they tie shit up in a bow.
We are reminded of Carly’s heartbreak (via sad vignette), and Jade is still very upset about it. Like, she’s still crying. That’s how still upset she is. Meanwhile Nick is obsessed with Sam and every time he thinks about how hot she is he makes this face:
As we’re winding down to the final rose ceremony, Tenley needs to make some decisions. But not before consulting her journal. Oh, you thought her journal would have full sentences in it? Nope. Wrong. This journal is just floating WORDS and PHRASES. I’m going to be honest with you if I had a journal like that I’m pretty sure it would say, “Hungry” and “Email landlord about squeaky faucet.”
So they all start their final dates, and Nick is laying it on thick as molasses. This is his dream come true and he thinks that “all the men watching at home are jealous.” Maybe so, but they could never admit it because their girlfriends are sitting less than one foot away from them getting a shoulder massage.
These dates are boring as hell. That’s just how it is. Cassandra doesn’t want to do the fantasy suite because she’s a mom, Tenley is worried about the “lifestyle differences” between she and Joshua and how she only has ONE FREE WEEKEND the entire summer. Jesus Christ, Tenley. Manage your schedule.
Jade is shaken up by the Carly thing (IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY) so we think oh fuck, is something bad going to happen with her and Tanner? But Tanner tells her he loves her and it’s ADORABLE and she of course says it back. Awh shit, they gonna bone good tonight in that fantasy suite.
At the start of the rose ceremony Chris Harrison explains that “giving a rose today means you’re committed to each other outside of paradise.” Except is that true? Can’t you just accept it and then later be like eh, this isn’t working out? Apparently I’m wrong and this rose ceremony is CONTRACTUALLY BINDING.
Cassandra gets Justin’s rose, and then Nick goes to give Samantha his rose and says the MOST cringe worthy thing I’ve heard on the show (tough to do, Nick) which is, “I’m going to die of suffocation ‘cause you literally take my breath away.” UM, BARF. I’m sorry but if a guy ever said that to me I’d be like yeahhhhh I gotta go. I have a denti… matologist appointment. Yeahhhh.
But I guess joke’s on me because she accepts his rose and seems to be happy and I’m just really confused because I have not seen one ounce of spark between these two literally ever. He got her in the end though! Fuck you, Joe!!
Tenley declines Joshua’s rose because he lives in a town with one stoplight and she loves the vibrancy of a city. It’s actually a nice speech but all I can think about is how Tenley and Joshua have the exact same hair color. (Do I need an Adderall prescription? Another thing to write in my phrase journal.)
So then they say bye and get immediately into two different vans, and here is where I will pull back the curtain for you guys. There is a 100% chance they will see each other at the airport. How big do you think the Puerto Vallarta airport is? They’ll say goodbye, drive off in separate cars that are literally caravanning to the same terminal, and make small talk while waiting for their Carls Jr. combos (that airport doesn’t have a lot of good food options.)
Back in paradise it’s Jade and Tanner Time (what they should title their spinoff) and let’s all remember that I fucking CALLED IT on this proposal. Have you given me credit? GIVE IT TO ME. Okay so they’re standing there and it’s like hey Tanner, is that a ring box in your pocket or are you just happy to see her?
It’s of course a ring and she says yes and it is so fucking cute I want to kill myself. Cassandra, Justin, Sam and Nick are upstairs watching and Cassandra goes, “I’m so happy for them” and Sam goes, “Me too” and we all know they’re both like fuck this bitch right here.
In the end they show an absolutely perfect montage of Ashley I. crying followed by an absolutely perfect montage of Jade and Tanner falling in love. They also mention that the two of them will be getting married next year… in Mexico. Basically they will have a fake wedding on the following season of Bachelor in Paradise. Cute? Sad? All of the above.
Bonus recap: I never watch After Paradise because there are like twelve blond girls that keep trying to say witty shit to Chris Harrison and it’s annoying to me. But of course I watched this one (until I fell asleep) and learned that CASSANDRA is now dating JONATHAN, which is so Twilight Zone I can’t even.
Also Carly talks to Kirk and totally unravels any sympathy the world had for her. She is such an angry bitch about it and is trying to make some sort of feminist point while Kirk is just being genuine and apologetic. All I know is #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. would’ve calmly told him that he wasn’t a real man and it would have been PERFECT.
Thanks for reading these recaps, they’ve been a real treat to write. I’ll leave you with this nugget of joy: Ashley S. is happy and in love. We can all sleep well tonight.
Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.
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