The Bachelor recap: “I Might Be White But I’m Still A Minority” + Women Tell All

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Guys. Grab a snack, pour a beverage,  and try to pee, because we are about to settle in for a three hour Bachelor event®, which is longer than I attend most real-life events.

We jump right into the morning-after phase of Raven’s overnight date, and if you’re wondering whether or not he gave her the first orgasm of her sad life, she summarizes the night by explaining that, “Nick is pretty good at what he does, so I’m satisfied.”

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I immediately hear myself say ew, while my boyfriend goes, “That lacked subtlety,” before standing up and leaving the room for what I assume will be forever.

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The Bachelor recap: “I’ve Never Had An Orgasm Before”

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BTW, here’s my Oscars recap in two words: SHIT STORM!

We last left off in Nick’s hotel room before the rose ceremony, where Andi Dorfman had suddenly shown up at his door. They both need a whisky, as we all do when we are about to talk to someone we boned on television.

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Meanwhile the girls are standing outside waiting for this fool and it looks cold as shit. (“You better be worth this, Nick!” –Vanessa, who has been very complain-y lately)

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The Bachelor recap: “Don’t You Dare Overlook Me”

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HOW BOUT THAT SUPER BOWL, HUH? THEY REALLY THREW THE FUCK OUT OF THAT BALL.

We left off in Bachelorland (Please God aka Chris Harrison, make that a theme park) at THE DINNER, with Taylor showing up after getting some weird healing shit done to her in the god damn swap, now ready to open a can of Diet Whoop Ass on Corinne.

The other girls POW WOW about it, and they are all sitting way too close together on the couch.

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I cannot touch arms or thighs with someone sitting on a couch with me. The mere thought of it makes me aggressively crack open another beer to calm my nerves/fuel my growing alcoholism.

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The Bachelor recap: “Tastes Like Victory”

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I just want you guys to know that so far I have written 6,296 words about this season of the bachelor. Okay, now 6,304. That is roughly 25 pages of a book. I could’ve been TWENTY FIVE PAGES into the next great American novel but noooo, gotta make you noodles laugh and laugh.

ANYWHO, we left off last week with Corinne and Taylor battling it out while snuggling under a shared throw blanket. Taylor tries to explain what Emotional Intelligence is and Corinne is like welp, everybody thinks you’re a bitch. Corinne 1, Taylor 0.

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The Bachelor recap: “Everywhere I Turn There’s Poop”

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Let me take a second to say how proud I am of all the badass bitches who marched this last weekend. I would tongue kiss you all if I could. I love you. And what better way to celebrate feminism than to go fucking IN on Corinne at this pool party, amiright?!

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Everybody is still freaking out about the whole straddle situation, to the point where I’m pretty sure “bouncy house” has turned into 85% of these girls’ trigger word. (None of them will ever be able to go to a child’s birthday without sweating profusely and/or bursting into tears.)

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The Bachelor recap: “Everyone Is Rubbing Their Ass On Him Right Now”

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You might’ve spent your MLK Monday picking your nose and Liking videos of goats befriending anteaters or some shit, but The Bachelor takes #NoDaysOff, OKAY?

Since last week was To Be Continued, they have to back this ish up and refresh our memories about LIZ, DUN DUN DUNNN. Remember her? He kicked her to the curb, but she’ll probably still put “MET AND FUCKED NICK VIALL AT JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING” on her headstone (she’s already purchased the plot next to Nick’s great grandmother).

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The Bachelor recap: “He Held My Boobs, Okay?”

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Look I’m gonna be real, I woke up at 5:30 in the morning yesterday, went to work, EXERCISED, worked on my writing, made dinner (jk I watched my boyfriend do it), and then READ A BOOK so by the time Nick Viall graced my god damn television screen for a new episode I was practically crying over such a sweet reward for a day well done.

I know I should’ve put that in a fucking diary but YOU GUYS ARE MY DIARY!! Just soak it in, accept it. Anyway the girls are excited about the dates this week, especially Sarah, who is making a face like a brunch waitress is refilling her bottomless mimosa.

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The first group date features no fewer than one thousand women, and they will all be modeling wedding gowns in a photo shoot with Nick. Except some of the girls will actually just have to be bridesmaids. LOL! Some producer with weak-at-best personal relationships is cackling from their office as we speak going, “God dammit that was a great idea. These bitches will flip out!”

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Golden Globes 2017: La La Land and Hidden Fences?

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Nothing screams Golden Globes like Sam Jarvis sitting on her couch with a whiskey, wondering where the fuck she went wrong. (If you’re already opening a new tab to Google Sam Jarvis, it’s me, guys, I’m talking about myself.)

We jump right into the award season action with a parody of La La Land, which is cute but a complete waste of Justin Timberlake. If he’s not going sing or dance, why did you show him to me? Jimmy Fallon, always a cock tease. What we do get a lot of, are close-up shots of Fallon’s fucked up finger that he ALLEGEDLY broke while bombed on the hooch.

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Look how crooked that finger is. At the time he was like, “Guys I’m fine it’s no big deal!” Your sideways finger would beg to differ, bud.

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The Bachelor recap: “You’re A Wiener In My Book”

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GUYS! HEY!! HOLY SHIT I MISSED YOU! I’VE BEEN WELL, THANKS. JUST TRUCKING ALONG, WRITING FOR A TELEVISION SHOW AND CONSTANTLY DYING MY HAIR BLONDE. (ALSO EATING TONS OF BREAKFAST BURRITOS!)

Sorry, I had to use a paper towel as a coffee filter this morning so things are just all WACKY on my end. We kick off this season with Nick passionately exclaiming, “I’m Nick and I’m the Bachelor,” in case any of you were sitting at home going, “Hm, I’ve been waiting for this day for four fucking months, but I can’t for the life of me remember who the big show’s all about. Luke? Chase? A newly single and batshit crazy Josh Murray?” LOLZ.

We check out what Nick’s been up to since he dumped Jen’s ass on a beach, and here he is pretending he still has a job:

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Nice workbag. It’s probably filled to the brim with head shots and Sugar Bear hair vitamins.

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