The jungles of Panama are lush, vibrant, and filled with so many fucking NOPEs that if you were to drop me off in that ish I’d be like, “Oh HELL no.”

Season five kicks off with 23-year-old Kim from Utah, and 53-year-old Gary from Nevada who has seven freaking children. Kim immediately goes, “My partner’s a religious cop.” Her and I both know that is not the ideal partner in a situation like this. You know who you want? A wilderness EMT. Somebody who can make great “cordage.” God may lift your spirits, but he ain’t making you a fire.

Speaking of fire, they don’t have one. Turns out Kim’s only used her little fire device (fine, it’s called a bow drill) twice and Gary is fucking pissed about it. She’s really letting him down, even though I have yet to see one thing he has done for the two of them besides show her a cross made out of a stick.

They can’t sleep because it’s cold and also there is a HUGE FUCKING SPIDER right above their heads. I’m a city girl, okay? I have never lived anywhere with a population of fewer than 10 million people. So this shit is not for me, I get that. But who IS it for? LOOK AT THIS SPIDER.

The next morning Gary drinks the creek water and I’m going to be honest with you I’m hoping this is where things get interesting. I’ve seen episodes where people have one sip of gross water and immediately shit their brains out. But I guess it’s fine, so now they have water. You know what isn’t fine? That Gary won’t cuddle with Kim for warmth.

He’s a religious man. We know this. But Kim is not about that life. They get in a fight about making fire and/or snuggling and it goes something like this: “Risking our survival is dangerous.” “So is not cuddling.” It’s a real fucking page turner. Kim finally makes a fire and it’s a glorious “Fuck you” to Gary.

So Gary is not feeling great and wants to call the medic. Look I’m sure he feels like complete shit, but it’s day four and I’m going to stress how little he has done so far in this journey. Oh, your blood pressure’s low? Maybe put down your cross stick and try to find some fucking food, Gary.

Gary’s gone, which leaves Kim alone in the jungle for SEVENTEEN DAYS. Honestly I think she can do it, if only because at one point she is literally starving to death, covered in no fewer than 100 bug bites and she just goes, “Nature is a bitch.” Um, yes. Understatement of the year.

Girl hasn’t eaten in five days, and I am tripping balls about it. I’ve seen my friends do juice cleanses and they STRUGGLE. This girl hasn’t eaten a god damn thing and can somehow still stand. I get fainty if I eat lunch late.

She finds a coconut, cracks it open, and a bunch of the coconut water goes into her crotch but Kim cannot be stopped, so she drinks that vagina water straight from the source. She also says, “Suck it, Gary” and now I love her.

Pigs are trying to kill her, she’s killing cayman, it’s all very primal and terrifying. But she makes a huge ass snare that is the most dope trap I’ve ever seen and I am suddenly feeling this incredible sense of feminism. I’m having a, “I am woman hear me roar” moment even though I am sitting on my couch doing NOTHING.

Kim has so many fucking bug bites so naturally she pees on herself and rubs it on her face to deter them. I want to be horrified, but any bite that feels like “fiberglass being constantly rubbed into your body” probably warrants some pee lotion.

Oh also? Bitch caught a boar. She is crushing it in this jungle right now!! She has been alone for SO MANY DAYS. She makes it to Day 21 and also to her extraction point. I cannot imagine how good a shower would feel after that shit. I’m talking a body scrub, some leave in conditioner, maybe a honey face mask? That sounds good to me, and I have not been peeing on myself for three days.

Overall Kim lost 23 pounds, which is not surprising considering she ate nothing but cayman and vagina coconut. She also raised her Personal Survival Rating to a solid 7. Gary’s of course got lowered, because that’s what happens when you sit on the jungle floor and twiddle your thumbs while you starve to death.

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