The jungles of Panama are lush, vibrant, and filled with so many fucking NOPEs that if you were to drop me off in that ish I’d be like, “Oh HELL no.”
Season five kicks off with 23-year-old Kim from Utah, and 53-year-old Gary from Nevada who has seven freaking children. Kim immediately goes, “My partner’s a religious cop.” Her and I both know that is not the ideal partner in a situation like this. You know who you want? A wilderness EMT. Somebody who can make great “cordage.” God may lift your spirits, but he ain’t making you a fire.
Speaking of fire, they don’t have one. Turns out Kim’s only used her little fire device (fine, it’s called a bow drill) twice and Gary is fucking pissed about it. She’s really letting him down, even though I have yet to see one thing he has done for the two of them besides show her a cross made out of a stick.
They can’t sleep because it’s cold and also there is a HUGE FUCKING SPIDER right above their heads. I’m a city girl, okay? I have never lived anywhere with a population of fewer than 10 million people. So this shit is not for me, I get that. But who IS it for? LOOK AT THIS SPIDER.
The next morning Gary drinks the creek water and I’m going to be honest with you I’m hoping this is where things get interesting. I’ve seen episodes where people have one sip of gross water and immediately shit their brains out. But I guess it’s fine, so now they have water. You know what isn’t fine? That Gary won’t cuddle with Kim for warmth.
He’s a religious man. We know this. But Kim is not about that life. They get in a fight about making fire and/or snuggling and it goes something like this: “Risking our survival is dangerous.” “So is not cuddling.” It’s a real fucking page turner. Kim finally makes a fire and it’s a glorious “Fuck you” to Gary.
So Gary is not feeling great and wants to call the medic. Look I’m sure he feels like complete shit, but it’s day four and I’m going to stress how little he has done so far in this journey. Oh, your blood pressure’s low? Maybe put down your cross stick and try to find some fucking food, Gary.
Gary’s gone, which leaves Kim alone in the jungle for SEVENTEEN DAYS. Honestly I think she can do it, if only because at one point she is literally starving to death, covered in no fewer than 100 bug bites and she just goes, “Nature is a bitch.” Um, yes. Understatement of the year.
Girl hasn’t eaten in five days, and I am tripping balls about it. I’ve seen my friends do juice cleanses and they STRUGGLE. This girl hasn’t eaten a god damn thing and can somehow still stand. I get fainty if I eat lunch late.
She finds a coconut, cracks it open, and a bunch of the coconut water goes into her crotch but Kim cannot be stopped, so she drinks that vagina water straight from the source. She also says, “Suck it, Gary” and now I love her.
Pigs are trying to kill her, she’s killing cayman, it’s all very primal and terrifying. But she makes a huge ass snare that is the most dope trap I’ve ever seen and I am suddenly feeling this incredible sense of feminism. I’m having a, “I am woman hear me roar” moment even though I am sitting on my couch doing NOTHING.
Kim has so many fucking bug bites so naturally she pees on herself and rubs it on her face to deter them. I want to be horrified, but any bite that feels like “fiberglass being constantly rubbed into your body” probably warrants some pee lotion.
Oh also? Bitch caught a boar. She is crushing it in this jungle right now!! She has been alone for SO MANY DAYS. She makes it to Day 21 and also to her extraction point. I cannot imagine how good a shower would feel after that shit. I’m talking a body scrub, some leave in conditioner, maybe a honey face mask? That sounds good to me, and I have not been peeing on myself for three days.
Overall Kim lost 23 pounds, which is not surprising considering she ate nothing but cayman and vagina coconut. She also raised her Personal Survival Rating to a solid 7. Gary’s of course got lowered, because that’s what happens when you sit on the jungle floor and twiddle your thumbs while you starve to death.
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who is sam jarvis 
I didnt see Gary do jack, and even sleeping back to back, can help give some warmth and he tries to come down way to hard on her, then hes all bravado ‘I wont leave a man behind, I didnt leave people behind in Afghanistan I didn’t leave people behind in Iraq’ … day 4 the dude bails…. I admire this girl a lot man.
I love this girl….but gary can suck it! Pissed me off when he made kim cry…hell she made me cry…shes so sweet. I love her determination! She looked i the camera ad said she wasnt quitting…..by damn…she didnt! Shes so awesome. On the other hand..gary….started out being macho bad…bad ass type with overbearing authority….then he fell to pieces in 4 days….but i do credit him for admitting he wasnt as tough as he thought..and apologized to kim….so…..all in all…this episode is my favorite so far….i think its because of kim…ya think? Ok…i admit it….she plays a BIG part in it…but…there is alot to be learned from the shows itself…hope it stays around a loonngggg time….i enjoy it!
No man left behind. Nice job Gary.
Kim is awesome! I’m glad the world got to see her shine. Gary is an ass! What a loser! I feel sorry for his family, having to put up with his crap.
Kim, you ROCK! I’d be proud to have you on my team any day. And by the way, I’d be supportive.
Wish I could find a girl like Kim. I’d treat her with the respect she deserves. She survived like a pro!
Kim you were awesome!! Love watching the segment. You were the best I seen on this show. You are such a bad ass. If I was on the naked and afraid with you I would have kept you warm:) Congratulations on the 21 days!!!
It’s spelled BOAR, not bore. It’s spelled bore when describing Gary’s bullshit armyman preacher persona. As in Gary is such a fucking BORE! Suck it Gary, I left your shitty hatchet in the jungle.
Gary is a complete fucking idiot and I hope he reads this so it can be explained to him.
Cept even if we did explain why he’s such a fucking moron, he wouldn’t be able to understand why, because he is in fact so stupid.
Seriously Gary get your shit together and get a grip.
NO QUIT IN KIM. WONDER IF SHE SENDS GARY A MERRY CHRISTMAS CARD?
wouldn’t you love to be ole gary’s wife?
What would Jesus do Gary? Gary was obviously real hyped up about himself and the transcendent “core” values that probibited him from sharing body warmth with Kim.
She wouldn’t understand, Gary loudly trumpets to Kim about how it is he came to be such a prick. Hey, those are man-made, puritaical rules dumb ass. They are hysterical rules of behavior based on the notions that men are filthy brutes who can’t keep it in their pants, and women are sluts. So we have rules that allow Gary’s inhumanity to shine through.
What would Jesus do Gary? Would he puff up like a toad,and spout about his “core” valuues, or would he comfort and support a struggling partner.
As Nobel laureate Bob Dylan put it, “You’re an idiot babe; it’s a wonder that you still know how to breath.” Suck it Gary.
Oh, and just to be fair. I think Gary was smart to leave. Low blood pressure can cause a stroke or other complicaions really fast, and can’t be monitored as well as high blood pressure. I’m glad he’s o.k., but also glad he was taken out of the equation. Kim would have had to deal with his monumental stupidity and pedestrian arrogance had he stayed. Kim is my new favorite gal. She takes the throne–for me–from Cassidy Flynn, who also displayed amazing attitude, but was lucky enough to draw an excellent partner.
Kim has a good heart, eximplified by her decision to spare the piglet, recognzing she had a “bellyfull of caimen”. Lots of survivors would have killed the pig and wasted lots of the meat, just to give themselves the extra edge for extraction.
SIG
All respect to Kim and my condolences too for ending up with a religious wacko as a partner. She had the skill and the heart to make it for seventeen on her own despite the misery. I think she going to be able to do whatever she sets her mind to.
She was so awesome!!!!! Gary is a was religious wuss!!! This girl was 23 years old and was there almost the entire time by herself. She is one of the best that I have seen on the show. Why don’t they give them prize money. She is a single mom, could use it?