The Bachelor Recap: “Come At Me, Bro.”

surprised girls bachelor

I’d like to go on record and say that the helicopter cameramen on this show all deserve raises. I don’t know if it’s just one guy named Ned or if it’s a fleet of sexy Marks and Seans, but I respect his/their work.

We left off last week with Ben pulling Olivia aside before the rose ceremony and I was sure her ass was going home right then and there. But they talk about why the fuck nobody likes her and she explains that all the girls in the house are into painting nails while she’s into “reading books and thinking.” SO THAT’S WHY THEY DON’T LIKE HER. BECAUSE OF THE BOOKS AND THE THINKING.

Ben lets her stay and Emily is freaking the fuck out about it. She is like, SO upset and I wanna be like girl, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

emily bachelor cryemily twin bachelor

In the Bahamas, Caila gets her second one on one date and since Leah hasn’t even gotten her first date yet it gives her a bad case of the sads, which quickly turns into the mads. She can’t even look at that fool!

leah ben bachelor

On Caila’s date they do some kind of fishing that requires her to wear a plastic belt and I’m going to be honest with you, it’s not my favorite look. Definitely wouldn’t be fighting my way into Bloomingdale’s for it. Also Caila and Ben are looking 100% straight out of SkyMall right now.

ben caila date bachelor

They talk about their feelings and Caila feels like she loves him, but is afraid to hurt him because he feels unlovable and she feels like she can’t totally love? It is a lot of WORDS that don’t really mean anything, but I guess that shit works because Caila gets a rose.

On the group date they feed pigs on a strange Bahamian pig island that I’m positive I’ve read about on Buzzfeed/UpRoxx/www.whogivesashit.net. It is COMICAL and I would be terrified.

bachelor group date pig island

Look at JoJo with these pigs. Nooo thank you.

jojo pig island

Meanwhile Ben and Lauren B. are clicking so hard you’d think they were the right side of my jaw (I suffer from TMJ), and the editors paint in Leah’s bikini bottoms because if there’s one thing Bachelor Nation can’t handle, it’s a little bit o’ ass.

lauren b bikini bottoms

Leah cries on the fucking beach and the second she calls Ben an idiot, I know she’s going home tonight. BEN HIGGINS IS AMERICA’S SWEETHEART and I think it’s actually illegal to talk about him like that.

He spends the entire night apologizing to the other betches for drooling all over Lauren B. and Leah is not having it. She goes, “I don’t want to start drama, or name names, but-” which you and I both fucking know is always how the SHADIEST shit starts. She says that Lauren B. doesn’t act the same around the girls as she does in front of Ben. Put your glasses on, ladies. That was a fucking READ.

lauren b leah bachelor

Ben tells Lauren and when Leah is confronted about it she chokes out a, “Well I didn’t say anything. I’m not the type of person to like, single somebody out.” Ohhhh snap, this girl is lying through her fucking teeth!! This is absolutely wild.

The girls talk about it later and of course Lauren B is crying and Amanda is rubbing Emily’s arm. This is the start of so many lesbian pornos I can’t even tell you. NOT THAT I WATCH PORNOGRAPHY OF ANY KIND, MOM.

amanda emily lauren b

Leah curls her eyelashes, then goes to see Ben in the middle of the night so she can talk even more shit about Lauren B. She actually says that’s why she’s going over there and it’s like what the FUCK is going on tonight?!

Ben is just sitting in his room drinking red wine by himself with a full camera crew when she shows up, so naturally he’s pretty surprised to see her. She goes in on Lauren and I’m convinced Ben is thinking bitch, you’re talking smack about my girl, you’re out. Which is EXACTLY what happens. I am a sorcerer.

Leah feels like an idiot, and she should because she was totally being an idiot. Baiii.

leah bachelor liar

It’s time for the classic Bachelor 2-on-1 date, where there’s “two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes…” and I hope whoever wrote that on season 1 of the Bachelor still gets residual checks because that line is PURE GOLD.

Olivia and Emily are not thrilled to be going together, nor are they particularly thrilled at how windy it is today. Not a great day for boating. I would be puking overboard.

2 on 1 date windy boatwindy boat bachelor

On this random ass island of wind and freezingness Olivia talks to Ben and I half expect her to say she’s already filed paperwork to change her name to Olivia Higgins. Instead she just keeps saying weird things about herself like that she’s comfortable in her body, which we all know is a fucking lie because she had to clear that cankle shit up REAL quick a few weeks back. She also says the sentence, “Intellectual things are my jam.” YA. I BET.

She tells Ben she loves him and then something juicy goosey happens. He says she’s great, “but…” and she immediately knows she’s done. Look at her face as she realizes.

olivia sent home bachelor

Hey. Real talk. I know Olivia is bat shit crazy, but everything about this breakup is pretty fucking harsh. He’s basically like, “Yeah I’m not feeling it. Gotta say bye.” Ice cold, Higgins! Doesn’t even walk her out, because she’s on an island and limos can’t get there.

olivia island sad

It is still so god damn windy I can’t handle it. Neither can Emily’s hair.

emily windy hair bachelor

Emily. YOU HAVE TWO HAIR THINGS ON YOUR WRIST. Get your shit together.

emily windy hair thing bachelor

They leave Olivia on this island all by herself, I’m assuming to die. I just can’t get over these helicopter cameramen! You guys are getting some FOOTAGE tonight!

olivia alone on an island bachelor

The rest of the ladies get ready for the cocktail party/rose ceremony, but once they’re done up to high heavens Chris Harrison shows up instead of Ben. “Oh shoot” is right, Becca. Oh shoot is right.

Ben is being a little emo and doesn’t want a cocktail party. He’s tired of talking to you crazies, okay? His mind is made up. But once I realize there are 7 girls left I totally get it and am like ahh, bye Lauren H.

Lauren B. is tripping balls about maybe not getting a rose because of Liar Leah, which is sheer insanity and she needs to calm her shit down. She of course DOES get a rose and like I said, we say goodbye to Lauren H.

lauren h bachelor sad

They tease the rest of the season and by the end of the package my mouth is OPEN. I don’t know what’s going to happen but it sure as shit looks like he decides to propose to someone he’s already sent home. Fasten your seatbelts, guys. This emotional roller coaster is juuuuust creeping up to the big drop.

Check out more of my recaps here.

 

The Bachelor Recap: “Whose Weave Is This?”

ben amanda rose

What’s the quote from Zoolander, “If you pull the thread, the whole thing will unravel?” That applies here.

The girls get to Mexico and Olivia is thrilled because 1) there is no doubt in her mind that she loves Ben and 2) there is a bidet in her bathroom.

olivia bachelor crazy face

Amanda gets the first date card, which doesn’t make sense to Olivia because Amanda has kids and Olivia is pretty sure Ben doesn’t want Amanda’s kids. OLIVIA MOTHER FUCKING HIGGINS knows everything about her husband, okay?

Ben wakes the girls up at 4:30 in the morning to get Amanda for their date, and I know immediately that they’re going on a god damn hot air balloon ride because that’s the only reason anyone on The Bachelor has ever been woken up in the middle of the night.

Lauren H is ill prepared for Ben’s foyne ass, as evident by the fact that she didn’t take out her retainer or get a manicure.

lauren h retainer

Amanda and Ben go up into the sky and Ben pretends to know things about world history and it’s very LOL.

ben amanda hot air balloon

Even though Amanda had a bad marriage and says the word like a lot, she gets a rose.

On the group date they’re going to cook and also act like complete psychos on national television. Jubilee immediately starts busting Ben’s balls and it was cute at first but now it’s like girl, no. If there’s one thing guys don’t like, it’s being emasculated in front of all ten of their girlfriends.

Olivia grabs Ben to be her partner for this cook off and the girls are IRRITATED about it. But you know what they say, early bird gets the D. She thinks they have “electri-citAY” and says things like, “Ben and I are on a high right now.” If Ben heard that I bet he’d be like bitch, don’t speak for me.

We cut to commercial, aka the most RANDOM Bachelor-themed McDonalds ad of all time where Catherine feeds Sean Lowe French fries and Chris Soules whispers sweet nothings into Ben’s ear. It is SO FUCKING WEIRD. But jokes on me, I’ve had a few cocktails this evening and now that you mention it, McDonalds sounds absolutely delicious.

ben bachelor mcdonalds commercial

Back on the date the girls are still muy salado (translation: salty as shit) about Olivia being Ben’s partner so they talk about Olivia’s bad breath again. Emily hypothesizes that this is why Ben took Olivia to eat mint leaves and I have to say, that is sound fucking logic. That sly shit is exactly the type of genius I would pull on a date with someone suffering from severe halitosis.

Also Ben has made out with SO MANY GIRLS on this date. Look at all these girls:

ben olivia bachelor kisscaila ben bachelor kissbecca ben bachelor kisslauren b ben bachelor kissjojo ben bachelor kiss

Jubilee finally gets to talk to Ben after giving off a full day of FUCK YOU!!! vibes. As soon as she stands up I say quietly to myself, “Be nice, Jubilee. Be nice.”

She talks about how she isn’t the Lauren Bs or the Beccas or the JoJos and she’s suddenly given me three incredible names for a girl band. (“Everybody give it up for The Beccas!!!!!” Crowd goes wild.)

Turns out Jubilee is a bit too complicated for Ben’s ass, so he’s got to send her home. This is the first real DUMP of the show and I have to say realizing that there are nine more to go gives me a tingling in my toes like I just shot up heroin. So exciting!! (…And addictive and I might be going down a bad road.)

jubilee dumped bachelor sadben jubilee dump sad

Olivia gets the rose on the date and Ben basically has to pick everyone’s lipsticked mouths off the floor because they are as shocked as I am.

Also Lauren H gets the final date card and seems to be pleased with herself.

lauren h date excited

According to Ben they’re going to engross themselves in fashion and she is so excited about it she says, “Holy shoot!” That is the actual phrase she says, out loud.

She walks the runway at Mexico City’s fashion week and ya know what, Imma give her credit because if my dopey ass walked down a runway with actual models it would be BLATANTLY OBVIOUS which one of us was the normie in the group.

It’s time for the rose ceremony, except my DVR is getting suspiciously close to the end of the recording and I know some bullshit is about to go down right now.

Here are a couple things that happen right away: Ben promises JoJo he won’t blindside her (100% chance he will) and Lauren B tells him she could see a life with him. Like a life, life. A life life life life life.

And finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Amanda talks to the girls about her custody schedule and Olivia flat out says, “I feel like it’s an episode of Teen Mom.”

UMM…

lauren b olivia teen mom

At this point my eyes are so wide I have to make sure they’re going to stay inside my skull. Amanda goes, “Excuse me?” and Olivia REPEATS HERSELF as if Amanda was being serious and didn’t fucking hear her. Olivia says AGAIN, “It’s like an episode of Teen Mom. You know, that show…”

I’m not entirely sure why, but this makes Emily cry. Hard. She’s very emotional about it.

emily crying bachelor

She talks to Ben and is like, girl needs to GO.

So now all the girls roll on her. One by one they are like yeahhhh, Olivia is a fucking bitch and we hate her. Just ratting her out like you knew they would. In the final minute, Ben asks to talk to Olivia and here are their faces as he does that:

mean girls bachelor

Amanda knows what’s up, because just before a big TO BE CONTINUED pops up on the screen she goes, “I think she’s going home.”

Rose or not, I’m bettin’ serious ca$h that it’s time to say goodbye to Olivia. Next week.

Check out more of my recaps here.

The Bachelor Recap: “I’ve Never Been This Turned On In A High School Before”

bachelor volcano explosion

I hope there are litter boxes in the mansion, ’cause things are starting to get reeeeal catty.

The population of a small country goes on the first group date with Ben, where they go to a fictional high school to do different challenges. Thankfully they don’t take them to a college campus because half these girls would be going, “Where are we? What is this??”

Chris Harrison comes out to explain what the shit is going on, except we can’t call him Chris anymore, we have to call him MR.HARRISON because he’s dressed like what every Hollywood stylist pictures when a producer tells them “he needs to look like a teacher.”

chris harrison teacher bachelor

They have to make Ben’s volcano explode, which I at first think is a reference to some kind of science experiment but then they put on safety goggles and it’s like ohhh they’re talking about his penis.

They also have to put the state of Indiana onto a blank map of the United States and it’s at this point that I hold my legs tight to my chest and let out a slow, creepy grin. This is going to be GOOD. And you know what? It is.

indiana map bachelor fail

Can you even keep someone who thinks this is the direction Indiana faces? Play the virgin card all you want, Becca. From now on the only thing I will remember about you is that you thought Indiana went sideways.

Ben’s chilling with the girls after their very embarrassing geography lesson and he kisses Jennifer! And then she blabs to all the other girls about it and they start to stew like little chunks of beef. (“A stew joke? Like, a joke about stew??” –All of you to me)

The next date card arrives at the house and I can’t tell if Olivia is excited about it.

olivia the bachelor moutholivia the bachelor huge mouth

But then Caila gets the date card.

olivia the bachelor angry face

Back on the group date Lace is freaking the FUCK OUT that Ben won’t notice her (which is how all the clothes in the back half of my closet feel), so she starts rambling to him about a photograph or something? I’m gonna just sit here and eat raspberries instead of try to decipher what the hell she is talking about.

Jubilee interrupts her to talk to Ben, which is customary in the Land of Bach. But Lace CANNOT BELIEVE that Jubilee would do that to her, OF ALL PEOPLE. Bitch, you met this person yesterday. Of course she would do that to you.

lace the bachelor angry

After kissing Jubilee, Ben is now kissing JoJo on top of a helicopter pad. How many times do you think Ben masturbated when he got back to his hotel that night? Can you really be making out with smokin’ hot girls all night and then just fall asleep to an episode of The First 48? I don’t think so.

On Caila’s date, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube come to Ride Along (in theaters January 15th!!) with them and Kevin Hart keeps talking to Ben while standing on very tall steps so we won’t notice that he is literally over a foot shorter than Ben.

They drive around and then get into a hot tub in a hot tub store.

ben caila date hot tub store

On the final group date, the girls go to a “love science lab”. That shit better be completely made up because if it isn’t, everyone at that company should be arrested for fraud. Ben smells the girls for some kind of “test” and says Samantha’s scent is sour. YIKES with a capital Y. The only thing that would’ve been worse is if he’d said rotten tuna.

In a “temperature lab” (again not a real lab, there is no reason anyone needs to be wearing lab coats), Ben and Olivia get real close and she can’t understand why they don’t just bone right then and there. It’s starting to turn into some kind of strange Tron Porn.

ben olivia temperature test

Amanda tells Ben that she has kids, but that doesn’t stop Ben from giving the rose to Olivia because as Patti Stanger would say, the penis does the picking. Ain’t that always the way. Also Ben is wearing a sport jacket over a hoodie, which makes me tilt my head to the side like a dog listening to a very high pitched whistle.

Olivia is being cocky AS SHIT about the rose and is already calling herself Olivia Higgins and saying that the show can be over now. Ladies, we’ve got a new villain on our hands.

At the cocktail party Lace talks to Ben again and with every passing syllable is digging herself a deeper and deeper grave. My soulless ass is actually starting to feel bad for her because it’s like EEEEEEE stop talking!!

One of the twins says that this is “a lot more different” than she thought it would be, so my impression of her was pretty spot on. Meanwhile Ben is giving out trinkets like he’s pushing a goddamn cart. A photo, a blue ribbon, some barrettes for Amanda’s daughters.

Amanda cries at how sweet the gesture is but honestly, someone in a headset probably handed him those things and was like, “Here, go make barrettes for her kids” and he was like, “What’s a barrette, one of those training bras??” “No, that’s a BRAlette.”

LB leaves during the ceremony after getting a rose, which is fine because I have no idea who she is and the faster we can get to the total meltdowns of at least five to eight girls, the better. They’re starting to unravel already and Ben seems to be taking it well.

ben higgins rose ceremony

Next week we got some drama with Jubilee, but I would not fuck with her because she’s probably killed a man. Just saying.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

The Bachelor Premiere: “I’m Really Nervous To Date 25 People”

ben higgins bachelor rose

Well, well, well, ol’ Ben Higgins is up to bat, attempting to convince me that a 26-year-old man could possibly be ready for marriage. Good luck, brosef.

Ben is the type of guy who stops in to his elementary school to say hi to his old teachers, which to me is an immediate deal breaker, but he’s 6’5’’ so I guess I’ll stick with him for a bit longer. And if you’re wondering why that sexy puppy hasn’t found a forever home yet, it’s because you can’t nab a wife in the middle of a god damn field.

ben higgins indiana warsaw

He talks to his parents about love and shit and it’s all very SURFACE LEVEL. But his parents have a pontoon boat parked in the back of their house so they are obviously very, very good people. I like a good pontoon boat. Everybody knows that about me.

The Pussy Posse (™ Leo DiCaprio) of Bachelor Nation give Ben advice and they basically just talk about kissing. They should host The View.

bachelor ben chris sean

We finally meet some betches and immediately learn that Caila broke up with her boyfriend after feeling butterflies when she first saw Ben on Kaitlyn’s season. Yes, you read that right. She broke up with her boyfriend because she saw a hot person on TV.

Jubilee is a war veteran who makes jokes about the casualties of love. See what she did there? She made light of the deaths of her comrades. Real zinger. There is also a dentist that comes out in a humongous rose hat. Let me tell you something. The last thing IN THE WORLD I want my dentist to be is weird. I like my dentists to be straight shooters. Glasses, a rock collection. You get it.

There are also 22-year-old twins from Vegas, and I’m not talking about a middle age stripper’s boob job. We also meet a chicken enthusiast who clearly has some tough decisions ahead of her.

bachelor chicken enthusiast

Time for the limos!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes. Ben is looking foyne and the girls are fucking pumped about it.

There are several cringe-y introductions in a row, including a girl who wants to hike a football to him but it’s like babe, this is not a Charmin commercial. Not a great look.

bachelor leah football hike

Lauren is a cute red head, but she immediately crushes her chances by saying, “I’m Lauren, but my friends call me Red Velvet.” Umm, that is a fucking lie. I think you mean you TRIED TO get your friends to call you Red Velvet. That is like me saying, “I’m Sam, but my friends call me Vanilla Dream,” Like, no they don’t.

Now there’s a chick with a mini horse, a girl who bashes PERFECTLY GOOD baguettes into the ground (wow, rude), a girl in a onesie, and an unemployed hover board rider. I don’t know what amazing drugs the peeps over at ABC are getting but this shit is going off the rails.

Also the twins walk into the house and here is how thrilled everyone is to see them:

the bachelor twins

Now Lace (who forced him to give her the first kiss and for some reason does NOT have a Y on the end of her name) is officially becoming the house bitch. It is very clear from her drunk eyes that this is partially her personality, and partially the nine glasses of wine a producer (played by Shiri Appleby- shout out to UNreal!!) has fed her.

the bachelor lace drunk

Ben is about to give a toast to all the women but the weird dentist interrupts him to give him a teeth cleaning. This is NOT. MY. SCENE. Going to the dentist is my least favorite part of every six months. I do not want it happening in the middle of dates.

the bachelor weird dentist

Now the smokin’ hot news anchor Olivia is telling him she left an amazing job to be with him. Gurl, no. I get it, you’re the hottest bitch here so everything you say is going to sound like sweet, sweet nectar but it is 20-motha-fuckin-16, okay? Let’s not go around telling men that we are super pleased to leave our badass careers to go on dates with them. Jennifer Lawrence is shaking her head somewhere at the thought.

TWIST!! Becca and Amber are BACK!! Chris Soules’ leftovers walk into the house and everyone completely loses their chill. Every girl in that room is like, “Becca and Amber! Becca and Amber!” It is hashtag Becca and Amber up in this bitch.

bachelor becca and amber

Lace asks Ben for ANOTHER kiss and it’s like damn, Lace! Go on with your greedy ass. Except don’t go on, because Ben doesn’t want to kiss her again.

Olivia gets the first impression rose, which surprises no one because she looks like fucking Heidi Klum. Just look at these two people. This could be an Us Weekly cover of them walking out of Mastros (on a double date with Jen and Justin, obvi).

bachelor ben and olivia

He hands out the rest of the roses and we say goodbye to some girls who got very little airtime, and also to Red Velvet. Told ya you blew it. Lace gets the final rose and is freaking the fuck out about how Ben didn’t look at her while he was addressing 30 girls? It’s confusing, she is I’m sure blackout at this point. Ben is basically like ehh this girl sucks but of course he can’t get rid of her because she is the shining beacon of hope for a villain and those suits up in Hollywood just won’t let him kick her off yet.

Season’s lookin real good, guys. Keep a good rosé in the fridge at all times.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.