The Bachelor Recap: “Come At Me, Bro.”

surprised girls bachelor

I’d like to go on record and say that the helicopter cameramen on this show all deserve raises. I don’t know if it’s just one guy named Ned or if it’s a fleet of sexy Marks and Seans, but I respect his/their work.

We left off last week with Ben pulling Olivia aside before the rose ceremony and I was sure her ass was going home right then and there. But they talk about why the fuck nobody likes her and she explains that all the girls in the house are into painting nails while she’s into “reading books and thinking.” SO THAT’S WHY THEY DON’T LIKE HER. BECAUSE OF THE BOOKS AND THE THINKING.

Ben lets her stay and Emily is freaking the fuck out about it. She is like, SO upset and I wanna be like girl, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

emily bachelor cryemily twin bachelor

In the Bahamas, Caila gets her second one on one date and since Leah hasn’t even gotten her first date yet it gives her a bad case of the sads, which quickly turns into the mads. She can’t even look at that fool!

leah ben bachelor

On Caila’s date they do some kind of fishing that requires her to wear a plastic belt and I’m going to be honest with you, it’s not my favorite look. Definitely wouldn’t be fighting my way into Bloomingdale’s for it. Also Caila and Ben are looking 100% straight out of SkyMall right now.

ben caila date bachelor

They talk about their feelings and Caila feels like she loves him, but is afraid to hurt him because he feels unlovable and she feels like she can’t totally love? It is a lot of WORDS that don’t really mean anything, but I guess that shit works because Caila gets a rose.

On the group date they feed pigs on a strange Bahamian pig island that I’m positive I’ve read about on Buzzfeed/UpRoxx/www.whogivesashit.net. It is COMICAL and I would be terrified.

bachelor group date pig island

Look at JoJo with these pigs. Nooo thank you.

jojo pig island

Meanwhile Ben and Lauren B. are clicking so hard you’d think they were the right side of my jaw (I suffer from TMJ), and the editors paint in Leah’s bikini bottoms because if there’s one thing Bachelor Nation can’t handle, it’s a little bit o’ ass.

lauren b bikini bottoms

Leah cries on the fucking beach and the second she calls Ben an idiot, I know she’s going home tonight. BEN HIGGINS IS AMERICA’S SWEETHEART and I think it’s actually illegal to talk about him like that.

He spends the entire night apologizing to the other betches for drooling all over Lauren B. and Leah is not having it. She goes, “I don’t want to start drama, or name names, but-” which you and I both fucking know is always how the SHADIEST shit starts. She says that Lauren B. doesn’t act the same around the girls as she does in front of Ben. Put your glasses on, ladies. That was a fucking READ.

lauren b leah bachelor

Ben tells Lauren and when Leah is confronted about it she chokes out a, “Well I didn’t say anything. I’m not the type of person to like, single somebody out.” Ohhhh snap, this girl is lying through her fucking teeth!! This is absolutely wild.

The girls talk about it later and of course Lauren B is crying and Amanda is rubbing Emily’s arm. This is the start of so many lesbian pornos I can’t even tell you. NOT THAT I WATCH PORNOGRAPHY OF ANY KIND, MOM.

amanda emily lauren b

Leah curls her eyelashes, then goes to see Ben in the middle of the night so she can talk even more shit about Lauren B. She actually says that’s why she’s going over there and it’s like what the FUCK is going on tonight?!

Ben is just sitting in his room drinking red wine by himself with a full camera crew when she shows up, so naturally he’s pretty surprised to see her. She goes in on Lauren and I’m convinced Ben is thinking bitch, you’re talking smack about my girl, you’re out. Which is EXACTLY what happens. I am a sorcerer.

Leah feels like an idiot, and she should because she was totally being an idiot. Baiii.

leah bachelor liar

It’s time for the classic Bachelor 2-on-1 date, where there’s “two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes…” and I hope whoever wrote that on season 1 of the Bachelor still gets residual checks because that line is PURE GOLD.

Olivia and Emily are not thrilled to be going together, nor are they particularly thrilled at how windy it is today. Not a great day for boating. I would be puking overboard.

2 on 1 date windy boatwindy boat bachelor

On this random ass island of wind and freezingness Olivia talks to Ben and I half expect her to say she’s already filed paperwork to change her name to Olivia Higgins. Instead she just keeps saying weird things about herself like that she’s comfortable in her body, which we all know is a fucking lie because she had to clear that cankle shit up REAL quick a few weeks back. She also says the sentence, “Intellectual things are my jam.” YA. I BET.

She tells Ben she loves him and then something juicy goosey happens. He says she’s great, “but…” and she immediately knows she’s done. Look at her face as she realizes.

olivia sent home bachelor

Hey. Real talk. I know Olivia is bat shit crazy, but everything about this breakup is pretty fucking harsh. He’s basically like, “Yeah I’m not feeling it. Gotta say bye.” Ice cold, Higgins! Doesn’t even walk her out, because she’s on an island and limos can’t get there.

olivia island sad

It is still so god damn windy I can’t handle it. Neither can Emily’s hair.

emily windy hair bachelor

Emily. YOU HAVE TWO HAIR THINGS ON YOUR WRIST. Get your shit together.

emily windy hair thing bachelor

They leave Olivia on this island all by herself, I’m assuming to die. I just can’t get over these helicopter cameramen! You guys are getting some FOOTAGE tonight!

olivia alone on an island bachelor

The rest of the ladies get ready for the cocktail party/rose ceremony, but once they’re done up to high heavens Chris Harrison shows up instead of Ben. “Oh shoot” is right, Becca. Oh shoot is right.

Ben is being a little emo and doesn’t want a cocktail party. He’s tired of talking to you crazies, okay? His mind is made up. But once I realize there are 7 girls left I totally get it and am like ahh, bye Lauren H.

Lauren B. is tripping balls about maybe not getting a rose because of Liar Leah, which is sheer insanity and she needs to calm her shit down. She of course DOES get a rose and like I said, we say goodbye to Lauren H.

lauren h bachelor sad

They tease the rest of the season and by the end of the package my mouth is OPEN. I don’t know what’s going to happen but it sure as shit looks like he decides to propose to someone he’s already sent home. Fasten your seatbelts, guys. This emotional roller coaster is juuuuust creeping up to the big drop.

Check out more of my recaps here.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s