Tag: sam jarvis recaps

Bachelor in Paradise: “Who Has The Better Vagina?”

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Like a vibrator in need of a new set of batteries, I am starting to lose steam. It’s probably because two fucking episodes a week of this show is pure insanity and I don’t have the emotional stamina for it, OR it could be that I continue to make poor dietary choices and therefore spend half my time feeling tired and the other half wondering if I’m having a heart attack. Sigh.

But tonight’s episode was one only hour, so maybe I WILL get enough sleep and can be a high-functioning adult tomorrow! (I’d settle for a low-functioning adult at this point.)

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Bachelor in Paradise recap: “Scallop Fingers”

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GUYS, WHOA. WHOA. Let me just start by saying Welcome Back, Me!! I was gone for two weeks (living my god damn LIFE, okay?) and when I got back I said to myself, “Oh, joy! I have two episodes of Bachelor in Paradise to watch!” But y’all know where this is going. I curl up on the couch with my rosé (basic betch, party of one), pull up my DVR, and I MISSED FOUR FUCKING EPISODES OF THIS SHIT?!

Like seriously, ABC. Some of us have jobs and families and stuff. Laundry to do. Things to accomplish besides watching eight hours of beach garbage in the span of two weeks. That being said, mama was excited. And while I’m not going to recap all the episodes I missed, as promised I am here to deliver the ABRIDGED, VERY SPEEDY version before we move on.

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The Bachelorette Men Tell All recap: “Ocular Facts”

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Guys, we made it. The penultimate episode of The Bachelorette, where we get to FINALLY hear the intense opinions of boys who went home on night 3.

This shit kicks off by taking a look back at past Men Tell All memorable moments, and I’ll be the first to admit I NEVER saw the one where Ashley and JP got a god damn sonogram on TV. Like, wheeled the fucking machine out to see if they were having a boy or a girl. Have y’all never heard of cutting into a blue cake? What the fuck.

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The Bachelorette recap: “Let’s Go Meet The Lindsays!”

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Like me when I’ve got a Ticketmaster cart full of Beiber pit seats that is :27 from expiring, we are DOWN TO THE WIRE. We’ve got Eric, Peter and Bryan left, so I am settling in for a night of steamy fantasy suites. At least Raven “I’ve never had an orgasm” isn’t here. That shit was a DOWNER.

But Rachel explains that her sister is pregnant as shit, so instead of being separated and meeting her family when it’s down to two, all three of them are going to mosey on over to Casa Lindsay one by one and get that outta the way. I don’t hate it, because honestly the last thing I’d want to do the day after I bone someone for the first time is introduce them to my entire family. 🙂

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The Bachelorette recap: “What Does He Want Me To Call Him?”

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Welp, my house is filled to the rafters with zucchini noodles, so you know what that means: HOMETOWNS!! Guys, we’re down to the final four and if you aren’t stuffing your face with spiralized squash and Paul Newman’s Sockarooni sauce, ya ain’t doin’ hometowns right!!

Eric’s up first so Rachel is in Balitmore, and is Eric maybe attractive now? He isn’t in a suit that’s twelve sizes too large on him, so now it looks like he mysteriously grew 2 feet.

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The Bachelorette recap: “Challenging, Not Difficult”

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If I’m keeping it 100 right now, I literally cannot remember where these fucks are on a globe.

Norway? Denmark? It’s a been a pret-ty boozey two weeks since I last checked in with these noodles, so if I get any immediate details wrong please remember that I drank an entire bottle of champagne whilst floating around in a pool yesterday covered in SPF 50 from head to motherfucking toe, so I’m a lil cloudy.

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The Bachelorette recap: “Pillaging My Feelings And Raiding My Heart”

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THIS SHIT IS ANOTHER TWO HOURS?! Jesus Christ, Chris Harrison. You crazy.

We last left Rachel on the 2 on 1 date, contemplating life while leaning on a very mossy tree.

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That tree’s fake, right? They for sure brought that shit in. I find it highly sus.

Meanwhile Kenny is screaming at Lee, and although they basically have to bleep every word out of his mouth for an entire minute, I’m pretty sure at one point he says, “I’m going to drag my dick across your grave,” which is honestly the best thing I’ve ever heard. (These are the types of visuals that I, as a writer, strive to create.)

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The Bachelorette recap: “Bye, Snaky”

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I just want you guys to know that my god damn E key stopped working today, so please appreciate the fact that EVERY motherfucking E you see in this recap was typed by PASTING ONE. Just think about that. It’s so sad. (If I typd at my normal lightning spd, th sntncs would look lik this!! AHH!) That is how much I love you/am completely selfless.

If you’re wondering where we are in our EPIC JOURNEY TO FIND LOVE, it’s with ol’ racist Lee calling Kenny a “stack of bleeding muscle.” It is um, how you say, not good.

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The Bachelorette Premiere: “Whaboom, son!”

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And just like that, I’m back again. Like I’ve told all of my exes, “YOU CAN’T GET RID OF ME THAT EASILY!! MUAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!” as I disappear into a cloud of smoke.

I can’t tell you how absolutely TICKLED I am that The Bachelorette has started and my girl Rachel is getting her moment, so let us begin. Since we last saw her, Rachel’s been living in Dallas as an attorney, as evidenced by the fake footage of a trial where they literally make her say, “Objection!” into camera.

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We are all that judge.

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