Category: The Bachelor

The Bachelor recap: “This Is Like, Some Redneck Sh*t”

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IT RAINED IN LA TODAY. I know that’s not a big deal to some of you, but it’s all anybody here’s been talking about for the past twelve hours so I feel like I HAD to mention it.

Week two opens on cool guy Arie riding a cool guy motorcycle next to some super cool rocks. It makes little to no sense.

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Becca K. gets the first one on one, and Arie drives her around on this motorcycle. I personally think motorcycles are DANGEROUS and I would not get on one even if a shirtless Jason Momoa was driving it with a satchel full of fucking ice cream strapped to his back.

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The Bachelor Premiere recap: “Please Tell Me You Don’t Have a Little Wiener”

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Well HAPPY FUCKIN’ NEW YEAR, kids!! I’ve missed you all a ton. (Sort of.)

I’m going to be totally honest with you guys, the mere thought of starting off 2018 with a freshie fresh season of The Bachelor is what pushed me through the end of 2017 and the accompanying massive head cold I’m suffering from that’s making everything I eat taste like oven-roasted cardboard.

When I first heard Arie was the next bachelor I was pret-ty bummed, mostly because I firmly believe you should never trust anyone with an added E in their name. Also because the last time he was on the show was 45 years ago and the only reason they picked him to do this was because they were in the 11th hour of negotiations with hot ass Peter Kraus when they realized, “Hey, didn’t that race car driver already fill out all the paperwork for this bullshit? Get him on a plane, he can be on Good Morning America in six hours!!” But I’m a sucker for even a dorky bachelor, so I guess I’m in.

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Bachelor In Paradise recap: “I Got To Really Take All Of Derek In Last Night”

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amanda crying robby

Let me start this Bachelor in Paradise finale with a little preamble (“More like a pre-RAMBLE!”–You guys). I need to shout out my friend Desiree and give her a formal very public THANK YOU because this bitch texted me earlier today and was like, “IT’S THE FINALE TONIGHT BUT WHAT THE FUCK IT SAYS THERE’S AN NFL GAME ON??!” I’m paraphrasing her exact words, but you get my point. So I go into full blown panic mode until I can find what god damn channel this shit is playing on and you know what? It WASN’T SET TO RECORD on the new channel. I mean, whoa, guys. WHOA. That was close.

So back in paradise, Chris Harrison has just informed everyone that it’s their last day here and if they don’t see a real relationship with someone they should probably GTFO. Also Robby’s tank top is real, real bad.

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Bachelor in Paradise: “Who Has The Better Vagina?”

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Like a vibrator in need of a new set of batteries, I am starting to lose steam. It’s probably because two fucking episodes a week of this show is pure insanity and I don’t have the emotional stamina for it, OR it could be that I continue to make poor dietary choices and therefore spend half my time feeling tired and the other half wondering if I’m having a heart attack. Sigh.

But tonight’s episode was one only hour, so maybe I WILL get enough sleep and can be a high-functioning adult tomorrow! (I’d settle for a low-functioning adult at this point.)

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Bachelor in Paradise recap: “So I’m Left With The Scraps?”

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wells impression of jasmine

I’m tired, are you tired? I’d love to go to bed but OH THERE IS MORE BACHELOR IN PARADISE TO WATCH. Maybe someday, years from now, I’ll go to sleep at a reasonable hour, no longer a slave to my television. Probably not, but maybe.

So Canadian Daniel is here, and that of course makes Lacey perk the fuck up, because she’s been waiting for this fool to show up for days. She explains to Daniel that the only girls left who aren’t spoken for are herself, Christen, and Jasmine, and Daniel says, AND I QUOTE, “So I’m left with the scraps?”

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Bachelor in Paradise recap: “Scallop Fingers”

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GUYS, WHOA. WHOA. Let me just start by saying Welcome Back, Me!! I was gone for two weeks (living my god damn LIFE, okay?) and when I got back I said to myself, “Oh, joy! I have two episodes of Bachelor in Paradise to watch!” But y’all know where this is going. I curl up on the couch with my rosé (basic betch, party of one), pull up my DVR, and I MISSED FOUR FUCKING EPISODES OF THIS SHIT?!

Like seriously, ABC. Some of us have jobs and families and stuff. Laundry to do. Things to accomplish besides watching eight hours of beach garbage in the span of two weeks. That being said, mama was excited. And while I’m not going to recap all the episodes I missed, as promised I am here to deliver the ABRIDGED, VERY SPEEDY version before we move on.

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The Bachelorette Men Tell All recap: “Ocular Facts”

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chris harrison men tell all

Guys, we made it. The penultimate episode of The Bachelorette, where we get to FINALLY hear the intense opinions of boys who went home on night 3.

This shit kicks off by taking a look back at past Men Tell All memorable moments, and I’ll be the first to admit I NEVER saw the one where Ashley and JP got a god damn sonogram on TV. Like, wheeled the fucking machine out to see if they were having a boy or a girl. Have y’all never heard of cutting into a blue cake? What the fuck.

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The Bachelorette recap: “Let’s Go Meet The Lindsays!”

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Like me when I’ve got a Ticketmaster cart full of Beiber pit seats that is :27 from expiring, we are DOWN TO THE WIRE. We’ve got Eric, Peter and Bryan left, so I am settling in for a night of steamy fantasy suites. At least Raven “I’ve never had an orgasm” isn’t here. That shit was a DOWNER.

But Rachel explains that her sister is pregnant as shit, so instead of being separated and meeting her family when it’s down to two, all three of them are going to mosey on over to Casa Lindsay one by one and get that outta the way. I don’t hate it, because honestly the last thing I’d want to do the day after I bone someone for the first time is introduce them to my entire family. 🙂

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