The Bachelor finale recap: “I Feel A Little Bit Like A Monster”

Let me start by saying that this is the series of texts I received from my best friend Ashley, who lives in Chicago and therefore watched the East Coast feed:

ashley texts

So while I prepped my veggie platter and poured myself a vodka soda, HOURS before it started here in LA, I knew I was in for a real treat.

ANYWAY so we all know this finale (“Finahhle” –Chris Harrison) is going to be the shit storm of all shit storms, because this ish is THREE HOURS LONG and then tomorrow is a TWO HOUR After The Final Rose so I’m like oooooo boy. Things are already feeling tense.

So they’re still in Peru, and Lauren’s up first to meet Arie’s parents. He of course calms her down by telling her to, “have fun and be yourself,” which in my opinion is 100% original advice that I’ve never heard before in my life. He’s very smart, that Arie. Anyway so Lauren meets Arie’s parents and doesn’t smile a single time. Well fine, she smiles ONCE while Arie hangs on her like a psycho creep.

arie lauren parents.JPG

Then it’s Becca’s turn, and she is very confident and chatty. Also she brings a picnic basket that may or may not contain Lauren’s head.

becca picnic basket.JPG

We honestly have no way of knowing. (It’s unlikely, yes, but she COULD HAVE chopped it off in between the dates.)

So you’ll never guess what Arie’s parents do to her. They continue to mention Lauren. Not like, one time. NOPE. Every god damn person Becca talks to is like, “Arie seems REALLY conflicted, Lauren’s GREAT,” and it’s like hey assholes, maybe chill out a little on this shit. Also Arie’s mom is future Krystal and the realization has me shook to my core.

arie's mom krystal.JPG

For Lauren’s final one on one date, they take a train to Machu Pichu. It’s looks fucking phenomenal, like one of those life-changing experiences that causes you to see the world in a different way, but all Arie and Lauren can do is repeat one-word phrases over and over to each other like, “Wow,” and “Amazing.” I’m beginning to think that maybe they’re a good match because they’re actually big dumb dumbs?

arie lauren machu pichu.JPG

Arie’s pretty conflicted at this point, because he loves both women, but he’s just enamored with Lauren’s speckle in her left eye. I’m not sure if it’s like, a magic secret speckle, but Arie seems to be very proud of that fact that he’s retained any sort of  information.

He asks Lauren what their life would be like after the show, and she gives probably the most vanilla ass answer I’ve ever heard. She legit goes, “We’d wake up in the morning, drink coffee, go to work, eat dinner, have wine.” Babe, he didn’t ask how you plan on surviving next year. He assumes you guys will “wake up” in the mornings.

lauren arie in love.JPG

Anyway at this point she’s getting really scared because she’s in love with him and doesn’t know how this shit’ll shake out, but at least she got it off her chest that she’d like to eat dinners if they get married, so there won’t be any surprises.

On Becca’s final date they hang out in an open-air market and pet an alpaca that might be Lauren B. in heavy disguise.

lauren alpaca.JPG

Those sideways weird pupils are watching their every move, and I keep looking into them to try to see if I can spot that damn speckle he was raving about.

They also drink giant smoothies in the cold. Terrible.

smoothies becca arie.JPG

Later Arie tells her that he’s still conflicted, but she makes him a scrapbook that highlights all the important things in their relationship; mostly dogs.

i love dogs.JPG

But suddenly we are down to the actual final moments of this journey. We are about to find out who gets proposed to and who gets dumped. Except… there is ONE AND A HALF HOURS LEFT of this program. I’m super scared.

Arie seems VERY confused, yet picks out a ring and has both of these girls get all dolled up in their dresses, and I’m honestly concerned about this. The fact that he isn’t going into one of their rooms and dumping them before they get fake fucking eyelashes glued to their faces is really kind of annoying of him, no? Don’t make me get dumped in a ball gown, bro. Not cool.

LAUREN steps out of the limo first, so we know she’s a goner.

lauren fringe dress bachelor.JPG

Maybe Arie will even dump her INTO the mud river that he’s standing in front of. The water is really rushing past him down there.

mud waster river arie bachelor.JPG

So Lauren gets all the way to fuck down there to this idyllic setting, thinks she’s going to get proposed to, and gives Arie a whole speech about how much she loves him and sees their future together. I am physically ill watching it.

Arie then forces her to hold his hand while he breaks up with her. (For the record, ladies, if you ever find yourself dumped on the Bachelor and some douchebag asks if they can walk you out, definitely say, “Nah, I’m good.”)

arie walks her out.JPG

She’s shocked, she’s confused, she’s very very sad.

lauren crying.JPG

But Arie can’t worry about whether or not she’s sad, he’s got a proposal to get through! Becca comes out in her so-so dress, and Arie gets down on one knee.

arie proposing to becca.JPG

It SHOULD be magical and cute, but I keep looking at my DVR and seeing that there’s still over an hour left of this show and I just CANNOT tell when this shit is going to go south. It could be any minute!

He proposes and they look happy, and Arie talks a big fucking game about how he wants to make babies with her immediately (ew).

becca and arie after.JPG

So then, THEN, we cut to Chris Harrison chilling with a studio audience and the first thing out of his mouth is, “It looked nice…” and it’s here where I’m like oh nooo. See, Chris has been teasing this “raw” and  “uncut” footage of the dramatic ending for the entire finahhle at this point, so I’m like Jesus Christ, Chris! Let’s get to it!

We cut to Arie and Becca post-engagement, and they’ve got some cute home movies and shit.

arie home movies

But as Arie talks in his confessional he starts saying things like, “At first I was happy…” and then other things like, “I THINK ABOUT LAUREN WHEN I GO TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT,” and I’m like Jesus fucking Christ, Arie! You done goofed!

SO the next thing I know, Chris Harrison is sitting with Arie, explaining to the world that Becca doesn’t know it yet, but she’s about to be dumped on camera during one of their scheduled secretive meet ups in LA.

chris harrison after proposal.JPG

UMM, WHAT?? Seems unnecessary to get all of this on camera, especially when Chris Harrison is getting a huge fucking boner at the thought of this footage being RAW and UNCUT and TOTALLY NOT EDITED.

So Becca arrives at a house in LA, excited to see her fiancé Arie. This all sort of seems like entrapment? In some way? Arie sits her down and she’s nervous and is like …what is going on? And we watch, in SPLIT SCREEN, this breakup from 40 camera angles.

arie becca two shot.JPG

He just keeps saying over and over that he’s still in love with Lauren and needs to see where that goes, and she’s kind of like THA FUCK!?! I personally am losing my shit over this two shot.

So we find out that Arie’s been talking to Lauren to try to get closure but it hasn’t given him closure at ALL, and now Becca’s ring is off, and she’s telling him that he wasn’t fucking ready to get married so why did he propose to her ass? (He has NO answers for this, obvs.)

Okay, now if you thought this was sounding very dark and sad, I’m not even there yet. We stay on this two shot for SO LONG, so that Bachelor Nation can see the conversation in full, and it is PAINFUL. Remember any serious break up you’ve had in your life, where there are just long moments of silence between each small exchange of dialogue? This is what’s happening right now. I honestly don’t know why she won’t just rip her god damn microphone off of her body and be like, BECCA OUT!! And throw deuces up as she skates out the fucking front door. But for many reasons, the main one being that she still loves him and doesn’t quite want this to be over, she doesn’t do that.

He starts to leave, but then changes his mind and just FOLLOWS HER around the apartment while she begs him to go and tells him not to fucking touch her.

arie won't leave.JPG

It is BRUTAL to watch, and at one point she tells him to leave and he just SITS there for so god damn long that I want to scream HEY ASSHOLE, GET THE FUCK OUT. I am livid at this man right now. Not for breaking off an engagement, I could give a shit about that. But tricking her into filming it and then NOT LEAVING? I can’t.

This is some of the most savage footage I’ve ever watched in my entire life. Just producers and a camera crew silently following Becca from room to room as she tries to pack and avoid Arie, who still WON’T LEAVE and I can’t believe ABC is showing this shit and thinking it’s okay. (I like to think that if I were in her shoes I would say that I don’t want to be embarrassed on national television by a FUCKING DWEEB, so you need to get in a motherfucking Uber and put Hell as the destination.)

In semi-unrelated news, I can’t figure out the layout of this house. She’s walking into rooms and out of others, and now I’m getting the feeling they chose this house so she could try to get away from him and he could continue following her around. So rude.

Now Arie’s getting like, slightly annoyed that she won’t talk to him? I honestly can’t believe it, and I’m sitting with FOUR women who are aggressively screaming at the TV telling Arie to god damn leave her the fuck alone.

becca crying.JPG

Arie turned into a serious villain REAL QUICK and it is not a good look. He is 110% going to get booed tomorrow on After the Final Rose. Like, loud, aggressive boos.

But then we cut back to Chris Harrison in the studio and BECCA IS THERE!

becca afterwards

Darker hair, Olivia Munn vibes, but nevertheless looking shaken as FUCK. She needs a tequila so badly I can’t even process it. Girl can barely talk, and now I’m positive they’re going to make her the Bachelorette so they can redeem themselves for what the fuck they just put her through. That’s some PTSD shit right there.

So I guess now Arie is going to go after Lauren on After the Final Rose and explore how that goes? Honestly Arie can go choke on a dick for all I care. THIS. IS. WHY. WE. WANTED. PETER.

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