Talk slower please talk slower please please please talk slower.
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Tag: writer
Bachelor in Paradise FINALE Recap: “Will You Freakin’ Marry Me?”
Guys, as much as I’ve loved providing you with the absolute HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR WEEK with these insane ramblings, I’m sort of ready to get back to my regular life. (“But you don’t have a life…” –Everyone I know)
We launch into paradise with the morning after the fantasy suites, when everybody is sexed to all hell and hopped up on mimosas and fear about the future.
Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “We’re The Weird Couple”
Here I sit, patiently waiting for a new episode with my arms folded neatly in my lap, wondering if Nick and Jen will go the distance even though I already know they don’t. Or if Josh and Amanda’s love can transition out of paradise, even though they’re on the cover of Us Weekly gabbing about how they’re living together now. SIGH. Are there no surprises anymore, guys?? Part of me is also like, remember Chad?
The most exciting thing going on in paradise right now is that apparently Nick got a care package from ol’ Robby that included a pair of Robby’s insane swim trunks.
Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “All My Wish Bracelets Came True”
I’m going to take this time to let you all know that on my deathbed, I would really love it if someone would blast the Bachelor in Paradise theme song, morning to night, up until my last breath. Like, I want everyone sobbing as I mouth, “ALMOST PARADISE, WE’RE KNOCKING ON HEAVEN’S DOOR. ALMOST PARADISE, HOW COULD WE ASK FOR MORE? I SWEAR THAT I CAN SEE FOREVER IN YOUR EYES… PARADISE.”
But that won’t be for another 70 years, so let’s focus on today. Continue reading
Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “He’s Skinny But He’s Cute”
I want you guys to know that I’m at my parents house this week, and instead of spending precious time with the people who birthed and raised and supported me, here I sit on the living room floor drinking rosé and watching what appears to be week 40 million of this thing. That’s how much I love you guys. (And this entire beautiful franchise.)
Like every episode this season, we left off with Ashley crying about Jared.
Bachelor In Paradise Recap: “I Can Make Out With His Mind”
We are now at the point in the season when there are too many people in paradise, so the opening credits go on FOREVER and it’s like guys, tonight’s episode is only an hour and I’m pretty sure you burned up at least twelve minutes showing who’s all here. Just get to the good shit and we’ll figure it out!!
So Izzy’s having doubts about Vinny, and also wants to go to pound town with Brett. She talks with Vinny about all of this and dude is heart. broken. He was falling for this girl and she’s throwing it away on somebody’s looks! Vinny cries, Vinny leaves.
Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “I’m Getting Dumped For A Lamp”
Let me start off by saying I was recently corrected on some of my Bachelor shit, so it’s time for me to publicly apologize. Apparently Nick’s hot piece is JEN, not JENNA. No idea why I went fucking rogue as shit and added letters but maybe part of my subconscious wanted to make her a TINY BIT more interesting. Anyway sorry JEN.
We left off in paradise at a pre-rose cocktail party, where Ashley is sobbing her eyeballs out.
Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “She’s A Backstabbing Whore Of A Friend”
Real talk, when I came home last night from a long ass hair appointment all I wanted in the whole wide world was to watch this shit. And because there is no God, my DVR only recorded TWO MINUTES of CHOPPY ASS footage. Le sigh. I tell you kind souls this because I was forced to watch it on Hulu this morning and my screenshot game has been seriously compromised. So if you’re reading this going, “Ugh, Sam, not your best” know that I KNOW THAT ALREADY so kindly fuck off. Now! Where were we?!
Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “No One Falls In Love On A Horse”
Do they provide SPF in paradise, or are all of these people going to look 90 when they’re 42? (“Hi Grandma!” “I’m not your grandma, I’m your mom.”)
We left off with Evan standing on a cliff’s edge, trying to be talked down by a suicide negotiator. Okay technically he was on his way to pull Amanda away from Josh, but those two activities are sort of one in the same to me.
Haiku Series
By Sam Jarvis
Out of dry shampoo.
Amazon Prime takes two days
But I need it now.
What to have for lunch?
Something healthy or yummy?
I guess I’ll eat carbs.
Gel manicure chipped
So I sit here picking them.
Now they look awful.
A boy is en route,
I guess I will shower now.
I don’t feel like it.
I want some rosé.
The fridge is barren and sad
Who will bring me some?
Read more from my strange mind here.
who is sam jarvis 