In case you’re wondering why all these betches are in black, it’s because they’re memorializing the death of the patriarchy. Ha! I’m kidding. But close! #TimesUp, shit heads. Donate to support women facing sexual assault in the workplace here.

So let’s get into it. The Golden Globes open with Seth Meyers’s monologue, which seems to really focus on the fact that men in Hollywood are scumbags, even though I feel like I’m looking at a man in Hollywood? Where the fuck is the female host, ya dweebs? Seth makes a joke about how they asked a woman to host, but none of them wanted to be in a hotel room blah blah and it’s like I get it (“it” being COMEDY!) but let’s be real. Y’all didn’t ask a woman to host.

To make up for the fact that Seth is standing up there instead of like, Rihanna (a solid choice IMO), a few female celebs get on the mic to make jokes. One of whom is Amy Poehler, who I love unconditionally despite the fact that she at one point says she’s drinking wine when I can clearly god damn see it’s water.

Um, babe, white wine isn’t actually WHITE. Trust me, I should know, I crave it first thing when I wake up. Anyway so Seth finally explains the Time’s Up movement by saying, “It’s great, yeah, give it up.” I’m sure he meant well, but it sounds an awful lot like how men describe, “dat ass.”

I’d also like to take this time to mention that I’m watching this shit topless. Like, it’s not  important to the overall recap, but I feel like it’s weird if I’m not totally honest about the fact that I immediately started overheating when I sat down and had to take half my clothes off. Turns out there are strong, free-willed women everywhere, even in my apartment!

Eventually I am hoping they will get to awards. They will, right? Or is this just three hours of Seth Meyers making weird gender jokes? Okay yes, it appears they will get to them now, and holy shit Viola Davis’s necklace would look KILLER on my topless body right now.

I’m drinking wine. Can you tell?! Fine, I’ll put my shirt back on. ANY-WAY. Best Actress in a Limited Series or Movie for TV (?? I dunno it’s a long ass title) goes to Nicole Kidman for Big Little Lies. Very well deserved, bitch slayed, and I just honestly cannot figure out what the fuck she is doing to her skin.

FLAWLESS, girl. Flaw. Less. Except she talks for a REALLY long time and I hear myself say, “Oh God, Nicole. Let’s go,” because one of the most cringe-worthy things in the entire world is when speeches go way too long and you can tell there are 7 producers back stage freaking the FUCK out because you won’t just take your dumb award and move the fuck on to the press room.

Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture goes to Sam Rockwell, who I adore, and if you’ve never seen him in 2009’s Moon I suggest you take a humongous hit of marijuana and try to understand that twisted fucking shit. While he’s accepting his award, Francis McDormand turns into the queen of our hearts and SWATS the camera away so she can watch her costar accept his globe.

Next, Carol Burnett and Jennifer Aniston present something and I’m going to be honest, I’m very concerned that Jennifer Aniston can’t move her upper lip. She can’t really move any part of her face, and starts flipping her hair around like a maniac and I suddenly have the overwhelming fear that she is turning into Goldie Hawn. Put a pin in that, let’s check back in five years.

Best Actress in a TV Musical or Comedy goes to Rachel Brosnahan for Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, which I have not seen yet so I have zero commentary.

Actress in a TV Series Drama goes to everyone’s favorite Scientologist Elizabeth Moss for The Handmaid’s Tale, because shit is FUCKED UP in that show. HAVE YOU SEEN THAT SHOW? I mean, wow. What a downer.

Now it’s time for the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association to come out and talk about charities and important things, and all Meryl wants to know is why this lady isn’t wearing black, OKURR??

C’mon, girl. You never heard of solidarity?!

Next up is Actor in a TV Series/Drama (I don’t know if there’s a slash in there but Jesus so many WORDS, amiright?), and Sterling K. Brown takes it home for This Is Us. His speeches are always eloquent as fuck and I just love him. The Handmaid’s Tale takes Best TV Series – Drama (now I’m doing dashes because why not), which should surprise no one because again shit was INTENSE.

Now is probably also a good/completely random time to mention that Tommy Wiseau is sitting at a table completely alone.

Did you see The Disaster Artist? I’ve been following my husband around for the past two weeks saying, “Same age as you, Greg. Same age.”

Best Supporting Actor in a Limited Series goes of course to Alexander Skarsgard for Big Little Lies, I assume because he pulled off the most perfect combination of sexy and GOD DAMN TERRIFYING I’ve ever seen. Every time he was on screen in that show I was scared.

We are really cranking through now, guys! Original Score goes to Shape of Water’s Alexandre Desplat, and Best Original Song goes to “This Is Me” from The Greatest Showman. In other news, Lorne Michaels is not thrilled to be here.

Go home, Lorne! The only reason you were invited was because of Seth!

Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy goes to James Franco for his portrayal of the above mentioned Tommy Wiseau, and when he gets on stage he invites Tommy to join him, but then when Tommy reaches for the mic to say something this happens:

Like, literally this motherfucker’s dream was to go to the Golden Globes, his journey to get here is what you made a fucking movie about, and then you don’t let him say a god damn word once he’s up there? Fuck off. Also for the record, I think I say, “Same age as you, Greg. Same age,” the same if not better than James Franco, and I don’t think I won an award tonight.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role for a Limited Something Or Other goes to Laura Dern for Big Little Lies, which we knew was going to happen because Laura Dern is pure gold. Best Animated Feature goes to Coco, which I have not seen because I am not a child nor do I own a child.

Actual literal goddess Allison Janney takes the stage to accept her award for Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture Comedy or Musical for her role in I, Tonya, and I find that incredibly well deserved. Best Screenplay goes to Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri and yes, I am completely glossing over the part of the show when Kirk Douglas came out and tried to speak because I can’t even talk about it right now.

Foreign Language film goes to In The Fade, and I need Diane Kruger’s cape ASAP, okay?

ASAP!!!!!!!!

Actor in a Limited Series (wtf is a limited series tho) goes to Ewan Macgregor, who is charming as shit. Best TV Musical or Comedy goes to Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

Aziz Ansari wins for Best Actor in a TV Musical or Comedy, and I’m honestly starting to wonder how many fucking awards are left. Like, are there too many acting categories? Limited Series is still confusing to me?? It’s fine guys, I’m “IN THE INDUSTRY.”

It’s time for Oprah to accept the Cecil. B DeMille award, and she takes the stage looking like she is the president of universe.

She talks about her life and career and being inspired as a young girl while watching Sidney Poitier win an Oscar, and suddenly she’s talking about all the strong women who have spoken up and told their truth in this world, and Oprah is SLAYING RIGHT NOW and I’ve clearly had too much wine, because I’m now sobbing and my shirt has come off again. Yep, topless sobbing. Happening currently. Cool.

Next up is Best Director and Natalie Portman is presenting and she literally goes, “And here are the ALL MALE nominees-“ and I am actually literally dead. No pulse, I’m gone, please put calla lilies on my grave. Fucking roasted the shit out of everybody. Guillermo del Toro wins for The Shape of Water and like, it’s cool and all, but I’m just still so emotionally exhausted from Oprah that I don’t even know if I care about the rest of the awards.

Best Limited Series (?!?!) goes to Big Little Lies, obvs. Errbody knew that was coming. Best Actress in a Motion Picture Musical or Comedy goes to Saoirse Ronan for Lady Bird, and I love her and I loved that movie. BT-dubs, her name is pronounced SUR-SHA, not Sore-e-or-see, which is what I called her for maybe two years. Also, she looks like she is currently starring in Zenon the Zequel.

(For the four people who got that reference and laughed and laughed and laughed, you are welcome. I know it was spot on.)

Best Motion Picture Musical or Comedy goes to Lady Bird and again, loved it. You should see it. I might cut my hair short and dye it a weird color because I thought she looked so fucking cool looking in that movie. (I am easily swayed in life.)

Best Actor in a Drama Who Gives A Fuck goes to Gary Oldman, and honestly I’m just over all of this! We get it, people won awards. When is this shit going to be over so I can rewind back to Oprah and cry my fucking eyes out all over again? THE FUTURE IS FEMALE!!!!!!

Speaking of bomb ass bitches, Angelina Jolie presents and she is looking like sheer perfection.

Is she still 32 years old?? Like I know I’ve always been team Jen, but Jennifer’s face and behavior scared me tonight. I’m sorry, Jen. I’m sorry.

Best Actress in a Motion Picture Drama goes to Francis McDormand, and whoever has their hands on the bleep button has had a few too many coke bumps tonight, because they keep thinking she’s saying “Fucks Searchlight” and “a shit in the tectonic plates” and it’s like bro SHE’S NOT SWEARING, STOP BLEEPING HER.

The big award of the night is Best Drama Picture, and it goes to Thee Billboards Outside of Ebbing, Missouri and honestly I haven’t seen it BUT it’s on my list for tomorrow, once I’ve put my shirt back on and slept off the wine/Oprah tears.

Welp, that’s all, folks! LYLAS.

Read my other recaps here.