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Hardest three weeks of my life. Totally worth it.
Get ready for green in 2018.
Tag: sam jarvis
The Bachelor recap: “You’re An Old Wrestler”
Brosefs, I get it. This shit is a day late. But aren’t you like, happy to know that I have a real life outside of this and other work obligations? As you’re sitting there refreshing whoissamjarvis.com I bet you’re thinking to yourself, “Wow, I really wish the new recap was up right now, but I’m so proud of Sam for being busy with her other hilarious comedy projects, coming our way in 2018”??? No? K.
When we last left these chicks, Bibiana was still super madsies at Krystal and I’m here to tell you not much has changed in one week. But Chris Harrison shows up to the house to talk about the first group date, and it appears he’s taking a page out of a fictional book I just made up called Mr. Casual: Fashion For The Everyday Man.
The Bachelor recap: “This Is Like, Some Redneck Sh*t”
IT RAINED IN LA TODAY. I know that’s not a big deal to some of you, but it’s all anybody here’s been talking about for the past twelve hours so I feel like I HAD to mention it.
Week two opens on cool guy Arie riding a cool guy motorcycle next to some super cool rocks. It makes little to no sense.
Becca K. gets the first one on one, and Arie drives her around on this motorcycle. I personally think motorcycles are DANGEROUS and I would not get on one even if a shirtless Jason Momoa was driving it with a satchel full of fucking ice cream strapped to his back.
Golden Globes 2018 recap: “I May Need Some Imodium”
In case you’re wondering why all these betches are in black, it’s because they’re memorializing the death of the patriarchy. Ha! I’m kidding. But close! #TimesUp, shit heads. Donate to support women facing sexual assault in the workplace here.
So let’s get into it. The Golden Globes open with Seth Meyers’s monologue, which seems to really focus on the fact that men in Hollywood are scumbags, even though I feel like I’m looking at a man in Hollywood? Where the fuck is the female host, ya dweebs? Seth makes a joke about how they asked a woman to host, but none of them wanted to be in a hotel room blah blah and it’s like I get it (“it” being COMEDY!) but let’s be real. Y’all didn’t ask a woman to host.
The Bachelor Premiere recap: “Please Tell Me You Don’t Have a Little Wiener”
Well HAPPY FUCKIN’ NEW YEAR, kids!! I’ve missed you all a ton. (Sort of.)
I’m going to be totally honest with you guys, the mere thought of starting off 2018 with a freshie fresh season of The Bachelor is what pushed me through the end of 2017 and the accompanying massive head cold I’m suffering from that’s making everything I eat taste like oven-roasted cardboard.
When I first heard Arie was the next bachelor I was pret-ty bummed, mostly because I firmly believe you should never trust anyone with an added E in their name. Also because the last time he was on the show was 45 years ago and the only reason they picked him to do this was because they were in the 11th hour of negotiations with hot ass Peter Kraus when they realized, “Hey, didn’t that race car driver already fill out all the paperwork for this bullshit? Get him on a plane, he can be on Good Morning America in six hours!!” But I’m a sucker for even a dorky bachelor, so I guess I’m in.
The Golden Age
The best kind of humor is one that also makes you sad!
New Career Path??!
To the mall, to pick out a Tony’s dress!
Bachelor In Paradise recap: “I Got To Really Take All Of Derek In Last Night”
Let me start this Bachelor in Paradise finale with a little preamble (“More like a pre-RAMBLE!”–You guys). I need to shout out my friend Desiree and give her a formal very public THANK YOU because this bitch texted me earlier today and was like, “IT’S THE FINALE TONIGHT BUT WHAT THE FUCK IT SAYS THERE’S AN NFL GAME ON??!” I’m paraphrasing her exact words, but you get my point. So I go into full blown panic mode until I can find what god damn channel this shit is playing on and you know what? It WASN’T SET TO RECORD on the new channel. I mean, whoa, guys. WHOA. That was close.
So back in paradise, Chris Harrison has just informed everyone that it’s their last day here and if they don’t see a real relationship with someone they should probably GTFO. Also Robby’s tank top is real, real bad.
Bachelor in Paradise: “Who Has The Better Vagina?”
Like a vibrator in need of a new set of batteries, I am starting to lose steam. It’s probably because two fucking episodes a week of this show is pure insanity and I don’t have the emotional stamina for it, OR it could be that I continue to make poor dietary choices and therefore spend half my time feeling tired and the other half wondering if I’m having a heart attack. Sigh.
But tonight’s episode was one only hour, so maybe I WILL get enough sleep and can be a high-functioning adult tomorrow! (I’d settle for a low-functioning adult at this point.)
Bachelor in Paradise recap: “Scallop Fingers”
GUYS, WHOA. WHOA. Let me just start by saying Welcome Back, Me!! I was gone for two weeks (living my god damn LIFE, okay?) and when I got back I said to myself, “Oh, joy! I have two episodes of Bachelor in Paradise to watch!” But y’all know where this is going. I curl up on the couch with my rosé (basic betch, party of one), pull up my DVR, and I MISSED FOUR FUCKING EPISODES OF THIS SHIT?!
Like seriously, ABC. Some of us have jobs and families and stuff. Laundry to do. Things to accomplish besides watching eight hours of beach garbage in the span of two weeks. That being said, mama was excited. And while I’m not going to recap all the episodes I missed, as promised I am here to deliver the ABRIDGED, VERY SPEEDY version before we move on.
who is sam jarvis 