Recap: Bachelor In Paradise Premiere, Night 2

“There’s no roses left for Tenley.”

Like leftover Chinese food, Bachelor in Paradise is even better the second night. One minute in and I already had my head cocked to the side like a dog listening to someone blow on a weenie whistle. The opening credits were an 80s-themed montage of confusion that I at first loved until I realized that made me a basic bitch and I was like SHIT, stop, resist the urge to smile. Rihanna (my spirit animal) would never approve.

Look I’m not going to sugar coat it, the next thing that happens is Clare talks to a crab. She’s got a date card, but doesn’t know whom to choose. She does a pretty good job of pretending she won’t go after anyone’s man, but you can see the crazy in that girl’s eyes from 100 conch shells away so we know she is just plotting, plotting (insert wicked witch cackle).

So here she is talking to this crab, which makes me very uncomfortable but also I’m high and I can’t tell if it’s ME or the CRAB or what the hell is going on. It was pretty touch and go for a minute.

Fan favorite Mikey (see what I did there) would really love to take Clare out, get to know her better, and maybe see if there is a romantic connection between them. Or as he puts it, “going on a date would be, like, awesome.” Mikey strikes me as the kind of guy who still wears super hero underpants. I don’t even know what that means, but I stand by it.

He forces Clare to go on a date and they immediately find out that they will be doing tantric yoga. You couldn’t wipe the smile off Mikey’s face if you were drowning a newborn puppy right in front of him. He is EXCITED. Clare wants to die.

I’m going to gloss over the fact that this might be Mikey’s first time having physical contact with a girl. His favorite yoga pose is the Downward Clare, which is both disturbing and also how I assume Clare describes the aftermath of getting her ass dumped by Juan Pablo.

In the happiest news ever, Ashley S. is back from the hospital and has somehow snagged the hottest guy in paradise. Work, bitch!

Now that everyone’s coupled off, Tenley is suddenly aware that she may be going home. It’s sad because she deserves love too! She immediately gets her flirt on with JJ in a last-ditch effort to stick around. (All JJ wants is “a small gift” and I assume he is referring to a set of worry dolls.)

Here’s where it gets fun. Clare starts talking to Jared at the cocktail party, and we KNOW how upset Ashley I. gets when Jared talks to people. If someone sneezed and he said bless you, she would immediately burst into tears. She can’t help it, guys. She doesn’t know why.

ashley and lauren

So Ashley I. is now officially freaking the fuck out that Clare AND Tenley have talked to Jared, and goes on a rant about old ladies and how she can’t lose a guy to an “OLD LADY.” Now I’m sitting here wishing there were actual old ladies in paradise, just to mix it up a bit (Jonathan would be down).

Annnnnd now we’re outing people’s boob jobs. Ashley I.’s sister Lauren just sits in that confessional and straight up throws these bitch’s titties under the bus (limo). Just rattles ‘em off! Juelia (fuck that spelling), Jillian, and Jade. I’m not trying to stereotype girls with J names, but I’m seeing a pattern here. But back to the main point which is hey Lauren, don’t be a bitch.

Oddly enough the actual rose tension didn’t have to do with Jared (YET… YET.) and was all about if JJ was going to give his rose to Jillian or Tenley. Um, did you see him give Tenley’s ass a light but confident squeeze as they fell in love on a beach-bed of some kind? Turns out there is a rose for Tenley.

tenley pink crop

But you know who the real winner was last night? Her adorable fucking pink crop top set. Hi, I want your clothes please. Jillian and her statement necklace never stood a chance.

Check out the recap of Night 1 here.

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