“We’re into athletes, we’re not into meatheads.”

We left off in Bachelorland with Shawn proposing to Kaitlyn and the whole world yelling “REJECTED!!!” at Nick. And last night Chris Harrison (adhering to a STRICT beach casual dress code) kept all of our dreams alive with the beautiful gift that is the premiere of Bachelor in Paradise… A two-part event!™

The first thing we learn is that Tanner is salty as hell. Yeah, Kaitlyn didn’t like you. Was it because you didn’t have a “strong connection,” was it was because your name is Tanner? We may never know.

Ol’ Blackbox Jillian (also her pirate name) got a boob job since we last saw her, which was the right move for someone whose lifelong goal is to have every part of her body hard as a rock.

Speaking of hard bodies, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. Four seconds into the show and bro’s under boob sweat is seeping right through his lavender shirt. He just has too much testosterone, guys!! His breasts are literally sweating from all of the hormones. So he’s of course the first one to take his shirt off. Let the season of necklace microphones commence.

“But I don’t want to wear this pukka shell necklace.”
“You have to, otherwise we can’t hear you groaning while getting a hand job in a cabana.” (What I assume 99% of conversations with the producers are like.)

Mega shouts to crazy ass onion girl Ashley S. for constantly breaking the fourth wall. It has to annoy the hell out of the network, but Jesus Christ is it fun to watch. Does she own birds, does she not? Who knows! This isn’t a set, this is her life!

Now they start drinking like they’ll be bussed off to rehab tomorrow. Ashley I.’s sister Lauren is along for the ride, which of course gets all the other women’s bikini bottoms in a twist and makes them say things like, “Lauren I. just wants to have fun and drink and hang. I don’t think the guys will like that.” Guys hate girls who party and put out. That’s been proven time and time again.

Which brings me to the most important question of the night: Did Ashley I.’s sister want to be referred to as a slut no fewer than three times in the first episode of the show? If so, why? (500 word essay, due Thursday)

Chris Harrison throws another wrench in the rules when he explains that if one sister gets a rose, the other one will too. They are a package deal, which has Jonathan deciding how he’s going to fuck them both at the same time. It should be noted that Jonathan thinks all the women are “delicious” pieces of fruit that he wants to “take a bite out of.” Either Jonathan is creepy as hell, or he is on mushrooms and is hallucinating like a motherfucker.

Suddenly they’re sitting on these benches with an aisle down the middle and they’re all wondering what’s about to happen (none of them have ever been invited to a wedding). Don’t worry, they crack the case! It’s a wedding, guys. It’s a wedding.

Within five minutes of the wedding I was in a deep, deep sleep of boredom. But my ears perked to attention when Marcus said something about not being able to promise that he won’t bother Lacy with kisses in the morning. If there’s one thing vows need, it’s double negatives. However: loved that he made a toast to the contestants even though it was his fucking wedding. ABC at its finest!

So now they’re all back at the house sitting by the bonfire. Ashley I. (a 7th Grader) like, totally has a crush on Jared and like, has to talk to him but CAN’T! She just sits there and totally can’t say anything! Ughhh so annoying, right? Words are hard.

She breaks the ice with Jared by saying that Cinderella isn’t her princess, Jasmine is her princess. She’s even in her Jasmine bathing suit. Things are now “solidified” between them. Jared immediately goes to walk on the beach with Jade.

Later, 7th Grader goes on a date with Jared, but not before icing her face with a dishtowel. (Princess Jasmine would never be caught dead looking puffy.)

Everyone wants to fuck Jade because she’s your classic bad girl next door who acts shy but really is just dying to pull up her Playboy pics ASAP. WHAT’S THE WIFI PASSWORD IN PARADISE?

So now 7th Grader is stalking Jared and Tanner and Jade are coupling off. You go, Salty Tanner! Get some. I’m not even going to address Carly and Kirk because if I do I will fall into an even deeper slumber than when the wedding was happening.

Out of nowhere Ashley S. is getting wheeled off in a stretcher. I need her to stick around so she can look directly into the camera and say things like, “It’s really weird being on a television show” therefore ruining any usable footage they have of her.

We end with the fact that CLARE’S BACK, BITCHES. She is now the Real World Tonya of the Bachelor franchise and I assume will be on Bachelor spinoffs until the end of eternity. And if you don’t know who Tonya is then congratulations, you respect yourself and maybe even have a good thing going in your life. You’ve also probably never seen a girl pee out a kidney stone on television, which is a thing that actually happened.

Looking forward to tonight when we finally get to shell out some roses and watch 7th Grader have a complete meltdown when she realizes that Clare does not fuck around (except in oceans, hi Juan Pablo!!) and will be riding that Jared D in like, five minutes.

Can’t wait to watch everyone’s sunburns progress. It’s going to be an incredible journey.