The Bachelor Recap: “Whose Weave Is This?”

February 2, 2016February 10, 2016Leave a comment

What’s the quote from Zoolander, “If you pull the thread, the whole thing will unravel?” That applies here.

The girls get to Mexico and Olivia is thrilled because 1) there is no doubt in her mind that she loves Ben and 2) there is a bidet in her bathroom.

Amanda gets the first date card, which doesn’t make sense to Olivia because Amanda has kids and Olivia is pretty sure Ben doesn’t want Amanda’s kids. OLIVIA MOTHER FUCKING HIGGINS knows everything about her husband, okay?

Ben wakes the girls up at 4:30 in the morning to get Amanda for their date, and I know immediately that they’re going on a god damn hot air balloon ride because that’s the only reason anyone on The Bachelor has ever been woken up in the middle of the night.

Lauren H is ill prepared for Ben’s foyne ass, as evident by the fact that she didn’t take out her retainer or get a manicure.

Amanda and Ben go up into the sky and Ben pretends to know things about world history and it’s very LOL.

Even though Amanda had a bad marriage and says the word like a lot, she gets a rose.

On the group date they’re going to cook and also act like complete psychos on national television. Jubilee immediately starts busting Ben’s balls and it was cute at first but now it’s like girl, no. If there’s one thing guys don’t like, it’s being emasculated in front of all ten of their girlfriends.

Olivia grabs Ben to be her partner for this cook off and the girls are IRRITATED about it. But you know what they say, early bird gets the D. She thinks they have “electri-citAY” and says things like, “Ben and I are on a high right now.” If Ben heard that I bet he’d be like bitch, don’t speak for me.

We cut to commercial, aka the most RANDOM Bachelor-themed McDonalds ad of all time where Catherine feeds Sean Lowe French fries and Chris Soules whispers sweet nothings into Ben’s ear. It is SO FUCKING WEIRD. But jokes on me, I’ve had a few cocktails this evening and now that you mention it, McDonalds sounds absolutely delicious.

Back on the date the girls are still muy salado (translation: salty as shit) about Olivia being Ben’s partner so they talk about Olivia’s bad breath again. Emily hypothesizes that this is why Ben took Olivia to eat mint leaves and I have to say, that is sound fucking logic. That sly shit is exactly the type of genius I would pull on a date with someone suffering from severe halitosis.

Also Ben has made out with SO MANY GIRLS on this date. Look at all these girls:

Jubilee finally gets to talk to Ben after giving off a full day of FUCK YOU!!! vibes. As soon as she stands up I say quietly to myself, “Be nice, Jubilee. Be nice.”

She talks about how she isn’t the Lauren Bs or the Beccas or the JoJos and she’s suddenly given me three incredible names for a girl band. (“Everybody give it up for The Beccas!!!!!” Crowd goes wild.)

Turns out Jubilee is a bit too complicated for Ben’s ass, so he’s got to send her home. This is the first real DUMP of the show and I have to say realizing that there are nine more to go gives me a tingling in my toes like I just shot up heroin. So exciting!! (…And addictive and I might be going down a bad road.)

Olivia gets the rose on the date and Ben basically has to pick everyone’s lipsticked mouths off the floor because they are as shocked as I am.

Also Lauren H gets the final date card and seems to be pleased with herself.

According to Ben they’re going to engross themselves in fashion and she is so excited about it she says, “Holy shoot!” That is the actual phrase she says, out loud.

She walks the runway at Mexico City’s fashion week and ya know what, Imma give her credit because if my dopey ass walked down a runway with actual models it would be BLATANTLY OBVIOUS which one of us was the normie in the group.

It’s time for the rose ceremony, except my DVR is getting suspiciously close to the end of the recording and I know some bullshit is about to go down right now.

Here are a couple things that happen right away: Ben promises JoJo he won’t blindside her (100% chance he will) and Lauren B tells him she could see a life with him. Like a life, life. A life life life life life.

And finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Amanda talks to the girls about her custody schedule and Olivia flat out says, “I feel like it’s an episode of Teen Mom.”

UMM…

At this point my eyes are so wide I have to make sure they’re going to stay inside my skull. Amanda goes, “Excuse me?” and Olivia REPEATS HERSELF as if Amanda was being serious and didn’t fucking hear her. Olivia says AGAIN, “It’s like an episode of Teen Mom. You know, that show…”

I’m not entirely sure why, but this makes Emily cry. Hard. She’s very emotional about it.

She talks to Ben and is like, girl needs to GO.

So now all the girls roll on her. One by one they are like yeahhhh, Olivia is a fucking bitch and we hate her. Just ratting her out like you knew they would. In the final minute, Ben asks to talk to Olivia and here are their faces as he does that:

Amanda knows what’s up, because just before a big TO BE CONTINUED pops up on the screen she goes, “I think she’s going home.”

Rose or not, I’m bettin’ serious ca$h that it’s time to say goodbye to Olivia. Next week.

Check out more of my recaps here.

The Bachelor Recap: “There’s Our Boyfriend.”

January 26, 2016February 10, 2016Leave a comment

This season is really starting to hit its stride, and as usual there are a few girls trudging behind the pack like that one slow ass rhino in Jumanji.

We head to Vegas, where JoJo gets the first date card. Olivia acts like she’s cool as a fucking cucumber about it because she’s, “Zen with Ben,” but you and I both know she is starting to crack and is probably giving herself pep talks in the mirror. (That mirror, she will later realize, is actually a houseplant.)

A helicopter comes to pick up Ben and JoJo and it blows her away! No literally. It smashes their champagne and everything goes flying.

Back at the hotel they read the names on the group date card and that shit goes on FOREVERRRRR. The only way it could possibly sound more like a list of the top 50 baby names of 2015 would be if one of them was named Madison.

On the date, they are all going to be in a talent show. Ahh, yes. I have a feeling some of these ladies are talent-LESS and that’s going to make it MUY INTERESANTE.

Olivia goes on and on about this secret talent she has planned and everyone including me is over it. Is she going to shoot ping pong balls out of her pussy or something? Whatever it is, she is taking it 100% too seriously.

Now. When I say her cake-strip-tease is awkward, I mean it is very, very awkward. Let me tell you something. If you ever have to get on stage in front of people and think to yourself, “I’m just going to wing it,” that shit NEVER WORKS.

After the talent show Caila and Ben make out and he calls her a SEX PANTHER, which makes me giggle. (She does kiss very aggressively so, perhaps he has a point.) What does NOT make me giggle, is Lauren H. kissing the ventriloquist doll.

Olivia, you should be feeling pretty fucking good at this point because watching Lauren kiss this doll is BY FAR one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen in my entire life and I’ve basically forgotten about your panic attack .

But Olivia HAS NOT forgotten about her panic attack. She has to talk to Ben. She HAS to explain why the fuck she jumped out of a god damn cake in front of 1,200 people. But Ben’s eyes are glazing over as if he’s using all of his brain power to subdue the boner that’s still lurking in his pants from ol’ Sex Panther Caila.

For Becca’s one on one date she gets sent a wedding dress and these thirsty bitches are soooo jealous. She meets him at a chapel and he pretends to propose to her, which is supposed to be cute except you can see on her face that home girl is TRIPPING OUT about it and def DOES NOT want to marry Ben. Look at her eyes. Sheer terror.

For their date Ben officiates weddings, and as I watch all of these adorable, normal couples get married I just keep smoking more and more weed and thinking to myself wow, I am going to be SO HAPPY on my wedding day. (I also ate four tacos during this time. I lead a rich life.)

Back at the hotel, I can’t tell if the girls are starting to get tired of all this bullshit or not.

We think there’s a rose ceremony soon but hot damn, Ben wants to go on a 2-on-1 date with the TWINS!! This is crazy. I get it, they share a car, have the same job… it’s a little creeps and he’s got to pick one. (Now I am wondering what their actual job is, since under the employment section all it says is, “Twin.”)

He goes to their house, which is full of overweight dachshunds and photos of Haley’s ex-boyfriend. Subsequently, Haley is gone.

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony and I’m wondering how many goddamn cocktail dresses these girls have to bring on this show. So many dresses!! Olivia has another conversation with Ben where he stares blankly at her, having no idea what she’s talking about. He then talks to Jubilee and she is the fucking best. She is a bad bitch and I love her for it.

Olivia isn’t worried about not getting a rose because, “I read a lot of romance novels where things just come together.” Of course she reads romance novels. Of course.

Rachel (“Who?” –You) and Amber get kicked off and Amber is fucking mad about it. As soon as she starts walking away I say to my boyfriend, “She is so ready to take those heels off-” And as soon as the words leave my mouth she takes those damn heels off. Girls, amiright? We get each other.

Next week we’re off to Mexico, where Olivia tells Amanda she’s like a bad episode of Teen Mom or something? Not sure. Gonna be weird.

Check out more of my recaps here.

The Bachelor Recap: “It’s Either Good News, Or Bad News.”

January 19, 2016January 19, 2016Leave a comment

Me: “What is, girls are mean?”

Alex Trebek: “Ah I’m sorry, we were looking for, complete bitches.”

I’ve always said that putting your best foot forward involves trashing Olivia. I’ve ALWAYS said that. We kick off with girls sitting on chaise loungers wondering why, HOW, Ben likes her. If you ladies at home are wondering the same thing, go ahead and ask your boyfriend (who you’ve tied to the couch and forced to watch this). He’ll tell you. She’s fucking hot.

Lauren B. gets the first date card, prompting one of the girls to explain that the highlight of her day is, “those glimpses that I get to see him, before he takes other women on dates.” Yes, good. This is normal.

Lauren goes on the date and their first order of business is to get in some tiny-ass prop plane to do tricks and shit. Um, no thank you. If you’ve been reading my recaps since the dawn of time (summer-ish) you will know that Sam Jarvis DOES NOT FUCK WITH SINGLE PROPELLOR PLANES. My palms sweat in business class three white wines in, let alone in a tin can Harrison Ford’s probably already crashed.

They fly to a hot tub in the middle of nowhere, which seems cute but he was JUST in a hot tub with Caila, so something about this gives me the ewws. Also is there some sort of generator out of frame? What’s powering this thing? (I’m 100 years old.) Anyway Lauren B is officially adorable and they would make very cute, very white babies together.

Back at the mansion the girls are like, not having a great time. I can’t imagine why spending days trapped in a house with people you fucking hate would be terrible, but I guess it is! The group date card arrives and everybody’s names are on it except Becca, JoJo and Jubilee, so Jubilee knows shit ain’t in the cards for her.

The group date is all about soccer, and Lace doesn’t know goalies can pick the ball up with their hands so the other team scores. This immediately gives me flashbacks to my AYSO days when once a season they’d force me to be goalie and I was so nervous I thought I was going to shit my pants for the entire hour.

While waiting to talk to Ben during cocktail hour one of the girls is like, “I don’t want to sit on a couch and sip on my water” which is the REALEST fucking thing I have ever heard anyone say about their time on The Bachelor. That is 96% of what their lives are.

But while they sit and sip, they of course have to talk about Olivia again and as the words pour out of their bitch mouths I am shoving more and more seaweed snacks into my face. This is good TV, guys. They not only say that Olivia has bad toes, but also that she has fake boobs and BAD BREATH.

Jami finally speaks this episode and she should’ve started with, “I’m Jami and I’m a fucking snitch.” She IMMEDIATELY tells Olivia what they said and it’s like wow, you are not allowed in my drug ring, you are a rat. Olivia asks what body part they made fun of and right away guesses her calves, which made me go HA! Very loudly and scare my sleeping boyfriend. She goes on to say, “Am I aggressive? Yeah. Do I have bad toes? Yeah” and suddenly I’m like you alright, Olivia. You alright.

Except then she starts talking about how Ben “pushed off her leg,” which to her meant they are now talking in secret code and I want to grab her by the shoulders, look her in the eyes and say Olivia, sweetheart, you’re a fucking psycho.

In a TWIST!!!!!! Jubilee gets the final date card, but has literally zero chill and starts acting like a crazed cat climbing up a curtain. She is being SO AWKWARD, which is apparently what one of the girls calls “awko-taco” and whoever the hell just said that should pack up their shit and go.

Jubilee is afraid of heights and is already acting a fool, but has to get in a helicopter anyway. Out of nervousness she jokes, “Does anyone want to go on my date??” WELL. LET ME TELL YOU. This does NOT sit well with the ladies, nooooo siree. They’re super pissed because “Ben planned an amazing date” which is a laugh out loud statement and I can’t believe these grown ass women STILL think that Ben is planning these dates! You think he’s sitting in a production meeting like, “Guys, I want to take Jubilee on a helicopter ride to this one really cute spa I know of.” Um, no. Not how this works at all.

Jubilee’s still being kind of squirrely and spitting out food she thinks is horrible, but then she tells Ben that she’s obsessed with hot dogs and suddenly I’m like girl, maybe we are more alike than I thought!! Ben is just happy he can finally see what a normal day would be like with her, because this is a totally normal day:

Jubilee opens up and explains that her entire family died in Haiti except her. Well, shit. She’s officially lived ten thousand more lives than any of these betches in the house who think “Ben wants a soccer mom.” (Sure, Lauren H. Guy’s dicks get hard thinking of boring ass soccer moms with THICK MIDWESTERN ACCENTS. That’s a thing.)

At the rose ceremony, somber Ben announces that his family friends died in a plane crash, so Olivia immediately steals him away to clear up this calves/toes business. She says it’s really hard and starts crying. (Pret-ty fucking sure an editor got THREE gold stars for making it look like the crying is about the cankles and not the plane crash. Well done.)

Jubilee gives him a massage and Amber is like oh hell no. She wants to talk to her but Jubilee is NOT HAVING IT. She doesn’t want a fucking girl chat, okay Amber? You’re being a mean girl and it is NOT a good look. You know who agrees with me? Ben. He shoots Amber’s ass down so fast she’s like wait, what? If I were in that house and the girls wanted to “have a talk” I’d be like yeah, no. I’m gonna keep eating this slice of pie hovering over the kitchen sink (I eat my feelings).

In a great final show button, Lace is outtie. She just can’t deal anymore and starts quoting her tattoo. She knew her ass was getting the boot and wanted to get out ahead of it! Gotta respect that.

Olivia is freaking the FUCK out about how there is only one rose left and she doesn’t have one yet. He had to punish her for talking about her damn calves while he was mourning the deaths of his friends, ya know? She gets the final rose, and then revisits this “secret communication” business. She says that when they hugged he squeezed her waist and she took that to mean, and I quote, “He can’t give me everything all the time and he knows I can handle that.” Or, ya know, he hugged you. Either one.

We’re in Vegas next week, so you know what that means!! …Wait I don’t know what that means. If you do, can you inbox me? Perf.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

The Bachelor Recap: “I’ve Never Been This Turned On In A High School Before”

January 12, 2016January 12, 2016Leave a comment

I hope there are litter boxes in the mansion, ’cause things are starting to get reeeeal catty.

The population of a small country goes on the first group date with Ben, where they go to a fictional high school to do different challenges. Thankfully they don’t take them to a college campus because half these girls would be going, “Where are we? What is this??”

Chris Harrison comes out to explain what the shit is going on, except we can’t call him Chris anymore, we have to call him MR.HARRISON because he’s dressed like what every Hollywood stylist pictures when a producer tells them “he needs to look like a teacher.”

They have to make Ben’s volcano explode, which I at first think is a reference to some kind of science experiment but then they put on safety goggles and it’s like ohhh they’re talking about his penis.

They also have to put the state of Indiana onto a blank map of the United States and it’s at this point that I hold my legs tight to my chest and let out a slow, creepy grin. This is going to be GOOD. And you know what? It is.

Can you even keep someone who thinks this is the direction Indiana faces? Play the virgin card all you want, Becca. From now on the only thing I will remember about you is that you thought Indiana went sideways.

Ben’s chilling with the girls after their very embarrassing geography lesson and he kisses Jennifer! And then she blabs to all the other girls about it and they start to stew like little chunks of beef. (“A stew joke? Like, a joke about stew??” –All of you to me)

The next date card arrives at the house and I can’t tell if Olivia is excited about it.

But then Caila gets the date card.

Back on the group date Lace is freaking the FUCK OUT that Ben won’t notice her (which is how all the clothes in the back half of my closet feel), so she starts rambling to him about a photograph or something? I’m gonna just sit here and eat raspberries instead of try to decipher what the hell she is talking about.

Jubilee interrupts her to talk to Ben, which is customary in the Land of Bach. But Lace CANNOT BELIEVE that Jubilee would do that to her, OF ALL PEOPLE. Bitch, you met this person yesterday. Of course she would do that to you.

After kissing Jubilee, Ben is now kissing JoJo on top of a helicopter pad. How many times do you think Ben masturbated when he got back to his hotel that night? Can you really be making out with smokin’ hot girls all night and then just fall asleep to an episode of The First 48? I don’t think so.

On Caila’s date, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube come to Ride Along (in theaters January 15^th!!) with them and Kevin Hart keeps talking to Ben while standing on very tall steps so we won’t notice that he is literally over a foot shorter than Ben.

They drive around and then get into a hot tub in a hot tub store.

On the final group date, the girls go to a “love science lab”. That shit better be completely made up because if it isn’t, everyone at that company should be arrested for fraud. Ben smells the girls for some kind of “test” and says Samantha’s scent is sour. YIKES with a capital Y. The only thing that would’ve been worse is if he’d said rotten tuna.

In a “temperature lab” (again not a real lab, there is no reason anyone needs to be wearing lab coats), Ben and Olivia get real close and she can’t understand why they don’t just bone right then and there. It’s starting to turn into some kind of strange Tron Porn.

Amanda tells Ben that she has kids, but that doesn’t stop Ben from giving the rose to Olivia because as Patti Stanger would say, the penis does the picking. Ain’t that always the way. Also Ben is wearing a sport jacket over a hoodie, which makes me tilt my head to the side like a dog listening to a very high pitched whistle.

Olivia is being cocky AS SHIT about the rose and is already calling herself Olivia Higgins and saying that the show can be over now. Ladies, we’ve got a new villain on our hands.

At the cocktail party Lace talks to Ben again and with every passing syllable is digging herself a deeper and deeper grave. My soulless ass is actually starting to feel bad for her because it’s like EEEEEEE stop talking!!

One of the twins says that this is “a lot more different” than she thought it would be, so my impression of her was pretty spot on. Meanwhile Ben is giving out trinkets like he’s pushing a goddamn cart. A photo, a blue ribbon, some barrettes for Amanda’s daughters.

Amanda cries at how sweet the gesture is but honestly, someone in a headset probably handed him those things and was like, “Here, go make barrettes for her kids” and he was like, “What’s a barrette, one of those training bras??” “No, that’s a BRAlette.”

LB leaves during the ceremony after getting a rose, which is fine because I have no idea who she is and the faster we can get to the total meltdowns of at least five to eight girls, the better. They’re starting to unravel already and Ben seems to be taking it well.

Next week we got some drama with Jubilee, but I would not fuck with her because she’s probably killed a man. Just saying.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

The Bachelor Premiere: “I’m Really Nervous To Date 25 People”

January 11, 2016January 12, 2016Leave a comment

Well, well, well, ol’ Ben Higgins is up to bat, attempting to convince me that a 26-year-old man could possibly be ready for marriage. Good luck, brosef.

Ben is the type of guy who stops in to his elementary school to say hi to his old teachers, which to me is an immediate deal breaker, but he’s 6’5’’ so I guess I’ll stick with him for a bit longer. And if you’re wondering why that sexy puppy hasn’t found a forever home yet, it’s because you can’t nab a wife in the middle of a god damn field.

He talks to his parents about love and shit and it’s all very SURFACE LEVEL. But his parents have a pontoon boat parked in the back of their house so they are obviously very, very good people. I like a good pontoon boat. Everybody knows that about me.

The Pussy Posse (™ Leo DiCaprio) of Bachelor Nation give Ben advice and they basically just talk about kissing. They should host The View.

We finally meet some betches and immediately learn that Caila broke up with her boyfriend after feeling butterflies when she first saw Ben on Kaitlyn’s season. Yes, you read that right. She broke up with her boyfriend because she saw a hot person on TV.

Jubilee is a war veteran who makes jokes about the casualties of love. See what she did there? She made light of the deaths of her comrades. Real zinger. There is also a dentist that comes out in a humongous rose hat. Let me tell you something. The last thing IN THE WORLD I want my dentist to be is weird. I like my dentists to be straight shooters. Glasses, a rock collection. You get it.

There are also 22-year-old twins from Vegas, and I’m not talking about a middle age stripper’s boob job. We also meet a chicken enthusiast who clearly has some tough decisions ahead of her.

Time for the limos!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes. Ben is looking foyne and the girls are fucking pumped about it.

There are several cringe-y introductions in a row, including a girl who wants to hike a football to him but it’s like babe, this is not a Charmin commercial. Not a great look.

Lauren is a cute red head, but she immediately crushes her chances by saying, “I’m Lauren, but my friends call me Red Velvet.” Umm, that is a fucking lie. I think you mean you TRIED TO get your friends to call you Red Velvet. That is like me saying, “I’m Sam, but my friends call me Vanilla Dream,” Like, no they don’t.

Now there’s a chick with a mini horse, a girl who bashes PERFECTLY GOOD baguettes into the ground (wow, rude), a girl in a onesie, and an unemployed hover board rider. I don’t know what amazing drugs the peeps over at ABC are getting but this shit is going off the rails.

Also the twins walk into the house and here is how thrilled everyone is to see them:

Now Lace (who forced him to give her the first kiss and for some reason does NOT have a Y on the end of her name) is officially becoming the house bitch. It is very clear from her drunk eyes that this is partially her personality, and partially the nine glasses of wine a producer (played by Shiri Appleby- shout out to UNreal!!) has fed her.

Ben is about to give a toast to all the women but the weird dentist interrupts him to give him a teeth cleaning. This is NOT. MY. SCENE. Going to the dentist is my least favorite part of every six months. I do not want it happening in the middle of dates.

Now the smokin’ hot news anchor Olivia is telling him she left an amazing job to be with him. Gurl, no. I get it, you’re the hottest bitch here so everything you say is going to sound like sweet, sweet nectar but it is 20-motha-fuckin-16, okay? Let’s not go around telling men that we are super pleased to leave our badass careers to go on dates with them. Jennifer Lawrence is shaking her head somewhere at the thought.

TWIST!! Becca and Amber are BACK!! Chris Soules’ leftovers walk into the house and everyone completely loses their chill. Every girl in that room is like, “Becca and Amber! Becca and Amber!” It is hashtag Becca and Amber up in this bitch.

Lace asks Ben for ANOTHER kiss and it’s like damn, Lace! Go on with your greedy ass. Except don’t go on, because Ben doesn’t want to kiss her again.

Olivia gets the first impression rose, which surprises no one because she looks like fucking Heidi Klum. Just look at these two people. This could be an Us Weekly cover of them walking out of Mastros (on a double date with Jen and Justin, obvi).

He hands out the rest of the roses and we say goodbye to some girls who got very little airtime, and also to Red Velvet. Told ya you blew it. Lace gets the final rose and is freaking the fuck out about how Ben didn’t look at her while he was addressing 30 girls? It’s confusing, she is I’m sure blackout at this point. Ben is basically like ehh this girl sucks but of course he can’t get rid of her because she is the shining beacon of hope for a villain and those suits up in Hollywood just won’t let him kick her off yet.

Season’s lookin real good, guys. Keep a good rosé in the fridge at all times.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: “Being Broke Sucks And Being Rich Is A Lot Better.”

December 16, 2015December 17, 2015Leave a comment

Do you think Ken and Lisa have ever been inside a one-bedroom apartment? I feel like they’d really hate mine.

Still in Europe, Ken and Lisa helicopter out of Tuscany and into Monte Carlo, which is straight out of a Bourne movie if Bourne movies had pink diamonds and lots of cleavage. Or any STRONG FEMALE LEADS. Take that, Hollywood! Girl power! Where the fuck is Ginger Spice, get her over here!!

We formally meet Erika Girardi (she is an enigma wrapped in a riddle and cash, you guys) and she actually seems pretty fucking chill. I mean how turnt up can you be when you’re getting vitamin C IVs with Yolanda, but still.

Meanwhile Eileen, Lisa Rinna and Kyle meet up for lunch and Eileen and Lisa are both in LEOPARD!!! Like, they cannot fucking believe they’re both in leopard WHAT ARE THE ODDS. It’s so fun. Everyone loves it. Leopard!! Of all things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They chat and here’s how comfortable Kyle is talking about Kim fleeing rehab:

Listen Kyle, I know you’re a good person but at a certain point ya gotta cut people loose. Kim is gonna do Kim, Kathy Hilton who is *probably* a huge bitch is going to continue to *probably* be a huge bitch. Kyle should be like aight BYE PLAYERS! And keep it moving.

Vanderpump and Rinna are now flying to Ohio to pick up the world’s smallest horse for Ken’s birthday, because what else was she going to get him, a Fitbit? Rinna’s all like, “It must be weird to leave her farm and get on a jet.” So perceptive. I really can’t wait to read her memoirs.

Also there is a big storm and these are their faces as they hear lightning:

The most magical screenshot I’ve ever taken.

So back to this horse. The horse doesn’t leave the farm and get on a jet because it’s a lame ass horse. Maybe she said it’s leg was lame. One of those is right. They fly all the way home with nothing to show for it but airplane hair and a story about how Lisa Rinna caught a chicken.

Now we really start to get to know Erika, first by learning that her husband was Erin Brockovich’s lawyer (FUCK hexavalent 6, amiright?!!). He is super old and she’s all like look honey, the pool tiles are broken.

But it’s time to meet Erika Jayne, Erika’s alter ego/the most porn star name I have ever heard in my entire life. Which is weird, because her outfits are so demure.

“Yes, the crotch panel looks like a humongous pube bush.” -My notes

For Ken’s 70th birthday party, and it appears that the mad hatter’s party planner was kidnapped and dragged back up the rabbit hole, only to be tied up in Lisa’s back yard and forced to tell all his secrets.

Taylor Armstrong shows up, and Vanderpump and I think the same thing at the same time (that shit always happens with us), which is that trouble is a-brewin. Taylor is the biggest fucking shit stirrer in the entire world and under her name it should say, “Crazy Person.”

Look I know she has problems. She’s been through a lot. But cocktails bring out the NUTSO in her and she just can’t be stopped. She goes in on Yolanda for like, being sick, and Rinna’s not having any of it and is basically like wow I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Taylor is completely unaware, as she is all of the time.

They throw Ken in the shallow end of the pool, which is a great idea if you fucking hate Ken and want him to die and/or break one of his TWO hips he JUST REPLACED. Anyway look at these drunk fools:

Here’s a bonus shot of Lisa Vanderpump’s ass in a white dress:

Next week they’re going to start the Yolanda witch hunt about if she’s really sick or not. I’m sure everything they say is going to be heavily backed up by facts and real knowledge because as you all know, every cast member on this show went to medical school.

Come to think of it did any of them go to college? Like any of the real housewives, ever? I bet Bethenny did. She totes did.

Read more of my show recaps here.

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Recap: “I Love Angel Dust”

December 9, 2015December 9, 2015Leave a comment

Welp, my diet officially starts today. Which meal plan is the one that makes your legs 8 inches longer? Are marshmallows considered carbs?

We open with a montage of the girls backstage, and the only thing that would make it even more straight up 90s would be if someone came out of a dressing room so other girls could give her a THUMBS UP or THUMBS DOWN while she models some type of weird hat.

Behati opens the show and the first theme of the night seems to be a bad mushroom trip I had in college. (How they got ahold of my journals, I’ll never know.)

Kendall Jenner makes her first appearance, which is very exciting even though I feel like I’m going to throw up. Her body is SO GOOD and I’m suddenly extremely aware of all the times I sat on my couch smoking weed while glancing longingly at the resistance bands collecting dust in the corner of the room.

Kris Jenner and her man Corey Gamble are very busy taking footage in goddamn POTATO MODE which is like, the most basic thing you can do at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Turn your phone to the side, guys. It’s 2015. Act like ya been there before.

Meanwhile on what I assume is the complete opposite part of the room, Caitlyn Jenner is sitting next to Logan Huntzberger, so the universe is riiiiight where it needs to be.

Now we’re hearing behind the scenes audio like, “Go! Go! Go!” and “Standby!” from crew members in all black who are sweating profusely as they press walkie talkies to their mouths (I have a very colorful imagination). This audio is TOTALLY NOT MADE UP, movie magic is a myth, what you’re seeing is REAL.

It’s time for The Weeknd to perform and of course goddess Alessandra Ambrosio walks by while he’s singing so I’m pretty sure dude is wishing he had a notebook to hold in front of him right now. (That was an erection joke.)

Kendall comes out for her second outfit and I have to hand it to her bitch is SLAYING IT. Look at the fucking face she is giving right now:

You know who else is crushing it? This girl right here:

Jesus Christ I need to update my wardrobe (“Siri, make a note about buying more fluffy items”).

Meanwhile we’re spending ten thousand hours talking about how to take selfies. This is a long segment, y’all. But Adriana Lima shuts them all down by going, “It’s not that hard” and you know what? She’s right. If you’re me with a wonky eye and a profile that is complete shit, it’s hard. But if THIS IS YOUR FACE:

Selfies cannot be that fucking hard. Like, zero chance. Anyway where the hell is Gigi, right? We’re all thinking it. Finally she shows up and is like hey nerds, this is how you model.

Selena performs and besides some heavy-handed spray tanning and insane colored contacts, she is showing Justin’s big ol’ dick what it’s missing.

Candace aka DAYYYYUM comes out during one of Ellie Goulding’s songs in a sequined number that is giving me so much Britney in Toxic I can’t even handle it. I mean the crown still goes to Brit, but a solid second in the sequined one-piece competition that is held annually in my mind.

It’s finally time for the fantasy bra and I have to say it’s a little meh. Like I get it, shit costs millions of dollars, but it’s never that CUTE, is it? She’s wearing another bra underneath it, so it’s obviously broken.

I will now leave you to rethink everything you’ve ever done in your pathetic, 5’4″ life.

Until next year!

Read my Miss America recap here.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: “She Loves Muumuus.”

December 9, 2015December 9, 20151 Comment

Like a basketball player getting off a commercial flight, the women of Beverly Hills are just starting to stretch their legs. (“What?”-Things I think to myself when I write.)

Lisa and Ken pack for their trip to Italy with Kyle and her family, except Ken cannot shut the fuck up about the fact that Kyle only wears muumuus even though it’s clear as day Kyle only wears Maxi dresses, and a guy who is currently sitting in the salon of his closet should fucking know that.

Lisa Rinna’s daughter asks who gave her the diamond earrings for her birthday and Lisa goes, “Harry Hamlin.” I’m pretty sure that since Harry Hamlin is this girl’s father, you could just say Harry and she’d get the picture. Hell, say dad! But Rinna’s giving Finding Nemo REALNESS right now and that’s truly all that matters.

Meanwhile Kyle’s upset that she was uninvited to Nicky Hilton’s wedding (which sounds like a fucking SNOOZEFEST anyway, girl), but what I’m upset about is the fact that Yolanda is going to get all her fillings removed. Look I get it, Lyme disease is shitty and ya gotta get better. But this shit is not my jam AT ALL.

As soon as she even says the word dentist my anxiety kicks in and my palms start sweating. She’s huffing that dope ass Nitrous, but seems to be having some kind of medical emergency and is kicking her feet around and I honestly might not be able to watch the rest of this episode. This is literally my goddamn nightmare.

Once she’s fine and drugged to all hell she says to David, “Aren’t you happy you married me?” and he goes, “Thrilled.” Which is like, so much shade I can’t even right now. (A good time to note that Yolanda is worth more than David in this divorce and it’s like boom, roasted.)

Kyle and her family have been on a five-bedroom yacht for who knows how long getting all up in that Mediterranean. How much of a fucking CATCH is Mauricio. Seriously. He is aging like a fine wine and selling the shit out of $100 million dollar houses. Yummers.

Back in the United States of America Lisa Rinna is busting her daughter for having a crush on Yolanda’s son, on national television. Thanks, mom. Super neat.

Lisa and Eileen visit Yolanda and things take a turn “to the left, to the left.” –Beyonce. Daisy, Yolanda’s health specialist/fellow MUY BLONDE, decides it’s totally fine and ethical to show the girls Yolanda’s cabinet of medicine. This shit is so overwhelming that I bet Rinna is perusing that shelf going, “Please God have a Xanax handy.”

Look at this medicine cabinet. Look at how fucking proud of herself Daisy is:

Yolanda goes on to explain she had a parasite infection and some of them were TWO FEET LONG. Um, hi. If I have a TWO FOOT LONG ANYTHING swimming through my body I’m going fuck this holistic shit, I’m cutting my stomach open and ripping those suckers out myself. What the SHIT is she even talking about. I need more information.

Now Kyle and her family, Lisa and Ken, and mosquitoes sit down for a lovely evening under the Tuscan sun (Moon? Whatever.). Of course Lisa has to bring up this wedding shizz and here’s how thrilled everyone is about it:

She keeps saying things like, “Maybe I’m speaking out of turn, but-” and “Listen I don’t want to overstep boundaries, but-” Bitch COOL IT! Everybody is sick of it ESPECIALLY ALEXIA.

She’s had enough and this teenager basically says HEY MOTHERFUCKERS, SHUT THE HELL UP. Love it, love her. Alexia is not a basic bitch and she is NOT THE ONE.

Check out more of my show recaps here.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Premiere Recap: “Thanks, Bitch.”

December 2, 2015December 2, 2015Leave a comment

If the Real Housewives franchises were 90s pop stars, Beverly Hills would be Britney. Sparkly, rich as shit, and slightly medicated.

Look, I have no goddamn clue who new housewife Erika Girardi is (Google tells me she is a dance pop star), but this bitch’s tagline is pure gold. She goes, “I’m an enigma wrapped in a riddle and cash.” Um, WHAT? Girl, what the actual fuck are you talking about.

Meanwhile Lisa Vanderpump loves dogs but isn’t “crazy about bitches” which made me go, “HA!” into my bag of Pirate’s Booty. We’re off to a good start. Also she’s turning into my old Anastasia Barbie, which is not even a joke so much as it’s a fact.

Kyle tries on sunglasses that are $75,000, completely blowing ol’ Dana “These sunglasses cost $25,000” Wilkey out of the fucking water. Kyle could’ve gotten a much better deal had she checked out Cynthia Bailey’s eyewear line but that is a story for another day!! And another city.

Yolanda is still sick and explains that she’s been living in her and David’s condo for the last 9 months so it’s easier to get treatment, but everybody who just read about their split on Perez Hilton is going OH SNAP.

Suddenly Lisa Vanderpump doesn’t know if Yolanda has Lyme disease. Uh, Lisa? How the fuck do you not know if Yolanda has Lyme disease. Does she look like her name is Brooks Ayers to you?? (If Lisa asks for Yolanda’s CITY OF HOPE DOCUMENTS, I will die.)

Lisa throws the first pitch at a Dodgers game and this is Bravo’s attempt at sports coverage:

Perfect.

Lisa Rinna explains that her kids work for their money and her daughter has a job in a deli making toast. The second she says it she bursts into genuine laughter. LOL. Toast. She’s all, “You wanna Maserati? You better work, bitch!” (Second Britney reference. It’s her birthday today, guys. Show some respect.)

Now we’re spending way too much time on her teenage daughters in bathing suits and I am very uncomfortable. At first it’s like oh, cute suits. Then it’s like yeah we get it, they’re a little tight on them. Now it’s like GUYS PLEASE STOP PANNING UP AND DOWN, I DON’T WANT TO END UP ON SOME KIND OF LIST.

Yolanda decides she’s well enough to stop by Lisa Rinna’s birthday dinner, except she doesn’t wear makeup and these women have a complete fucking meltdown about it. Like, CANNOT HANDLE IT. Kyle goes, “A woman going out to dinner without a stich of makeup is like, shocking.” Vanderpump’s all, “Nothing on her face, not even a little under eye concealer.”

Guys, this bitch was a model. She looks better than I do after getting my makeup done at one of those fancy ass counters. Chill.

Harry Hamlin buys Lisa diamond earrings and it’s one of those things where they all go aw, those are pretty! And move on with their lives/arugula salads. For diamonds that size, the correct response is to faint.

Yolanda leaves and we’re back to discussing how fucking ugly she looks without makeup. Give it a rest, ya catty bitches!

Because Bravo is my spirit animal, they intercut Ken going, “I told her she looked better, but she didn’t” with Yolanda saying to her friend, “They’re nice, huh?” Ken also says it’s always nice to have a man tell you that you look good. Bro, I don’t need a man to tell me I look good. I have a mirror.

I am so PUMPed™ for this season I can’t even stand it, although I’ll admit I’m missing Kim and Brandi. JK, Brandi’s terrible.

Check out more of my show recaps here.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Premiere: “Lord have mercy.”

November 9, 2015February 10, 2016Leave a comment

Hope you’re wearing deodorant, because this season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta is gonna be a HOT MESS. In the best way possible.

We kick off season 8 with a quick teaser of what the future holds and I will summarize by saying, “Shit is going down.” Buckle up, kiddos, next stop Crazytown (“On a railroad that is actually under the ground??” –Porsha).

Everyone’s tag lines are solid even though they are no Aviva Drescher, “They’re just pulling my leg.” Also none of their kids are in the opening, I assume because Riley’s dope ass was like oh HELL no, I can’t be associated with these people.

Porsha leaves baby-voiced messages for her 24-year-old boyfriend while she is on a “break from work.” It’s not like you work at Best Buy, girl. I don’t think you’re calling him during your ten minute smoke break. Meanwhile we find out that Dr. Jackie from Married to Medicine is the one who knocked up Kandi and Todd and it’s like SYNERGY!! Love it.

Phaedra explains that ever since Apollo got thrown in the clink, she and Porsha have become bosom buddies. She then says, “Got milk?” and here is how satisfied she is with that joke:

Cracks herself up. She updates us on Apollo by saying insanely proper and hilarious sentences like, “Apollo and I correspond quite frequently, we’re cordial.” She is an American Girl doll come to life and I fucking love her for it.

Peter gets back from Charlotte and is greeted by Cynthia’s salty ass drinking like she just watched an Instagram video of her husband cheating on her. Which is exactly what she did, so this is all adding up nicely.

They play a slow motion version of the video and I am like PRAISE ANDY because when that shit first came out I watched it and my stupid fucking brain was like wait what? Then I played it again and was still like wait what? Shit was going too fast. The slo-mo version makes my eyes get wide and I’m like OHHH SHIIIIIT!! Peter, you fuckin’ dog! Clear as day that man is doing something he is not supposed to be doing. No way around that.

Except he DOES think there is a way around that (he has apparently not seen the slow motion version) so he goes in for the kiss and Cynthia is like NOPE. Rejected. She gets into it with him and after she says it looks like he was touching the neck slash tit of some ho he literally goes, “That’s what it looks like to you?” Umm, yeah Peter. That is what it looks like to her. She may wear too much eye makeup sometimes but not SO much that her eyelids are weighed the fuck down by it. She can see the shit that’s in front of her.

Meanwhile Porsha’s new boyfriend Duke comes to meet her at a hotel. I don’t care that he’s younger, you do you. But maybe don’t dress like you’re an actual middle schooler with a backpack.

Porsha agrees with me and is like, “Take the backpack off.” Suddenly I am positive Porsha and I are soul sisters and I’ll be honest that is both exciting and terrifying. She requests the best champagne the hotel has to offer, which is Cupcake. If that is the fanciest champs they have she is staying in the presidential suite of a Motel 6. That shit is $12 a bottle. You may have fooled Duke (and his backpack) but you are not fooling me.

Kenya shows Cynthia her new house and on the way there Kenya is already throwing so much fuckin shade at her neighbor Sheree “Who gon’ check me, boo?” Whitfield. Since I know Sheree is rejoining the cast this season I can’t help but let out a deep, full-belly cackle at the realization that Kenya is coming for her ass. Yes, yes. I am so fucking in.

In Cynthia’s latest business venture, she has been pooping eyewear. Her words, not mine. Also I know eyewear is the chic word but really she is selling sunglasses, okay? That’s like someone selling “cotton half sleeves.” Oh, you mean t-shirts? K.

We now learn that Todd’s been keeping Apollo’s shit for him while he’s in jail. Look, I’m a great friend. I’ll pick you up from the airport. I’ll feed your cats. But I am not keeping fucking dirt bikes in my garage for you for EIGHT YEARS. Like, no.

Cynthia is tryna launch her sunglasses ahem EYEWEAR, but is also asking her sister Malorie if she thinks Peter cheated on her in the Instagram video. This is the same Malorie that HID YOUR MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE on the day of your wedding so you couldn’t marry him, correct? I’m sure she’s going to say, “Cynthia, you’re crazy! Peter is an amazing man and he would never do that!” Wait- she doesn’t say that. She looks right at her and goes, “Yup.”

It’s time for Cynthia’s sunglass I MEAN EYEWEAR launch, and I’m not seeing any passed apps, only passed sunglasses on trays that look like they should have crab puffs on them. Not to be rude, but if you don’t have cocktail weenies I am out.

Peter walks in looking like Tommy Jamaica and immediately catches heat from Kenya. Do not mess with Kenya tonight. She is twirling her way into the shadiest corner of the room.

Malorie tells the entire group that Cynthia said she wasn’t attracted to Peter with his clothes off. God dammit, Malorie! That is your sister! She doesn’t want any of them knowing that until this shit AIRS, okay? This is their reaction to the information:

Annnnd now Sheree is here. The bitch is back, y’all!! At first she sort of flits around like she just drank forty Starbucks double shots. But the reality TV fucking goddess that Kenya is, is not gonna let that slide. She slams Sheree and her never-getting-finished house literally the second she sees her. She’s basically like, “Hi yes we met once a long time ago, I hear all your neighbors are fuckin pissed that you still haven’t finished that house you obviously can’t pay for.” That is an Anna Karenina-level READ if I have ever seen one.

Phaedra’s all, “Lord have mercy” while Cynthia’s all, “This is supposed to be about me!” It’s classic them. Now, Sheree’s voice may get high when she is upset, but that doesn’t make her the top dog here. Kenya is the one to beat this season, babe. I’m calling it right now. She is giving Sheree so much shade she isn’t gonna NEED any of that fancy ass eyewear they’re slangin’ tonight.

This is of course TO BE CONTINUED… because girls are only starting to be held back by other girls and earrings are still on. But if the rest of this season is literally just scenes of Kenya and Sheree and Sheree’s Ramona eyes, I’m going to blow through all my weed and need to up my night cream game so I don’t get horrible smile lines.

Check out more of my show recaps here.

who is sam jarvis

I don't know, do you?! I'm scared.

Category: Show Recaps

The Bachelor Recap: “Whose Weave Is This?”

The Bachelor Recap: “There’s Our Boyfriend.”

The Bachelor Recap: “It’s Either Good News, Or Bad News.”

The Bachelor Recap: “I’ve Never Been This Turned On In A High School Before”

The Bachelor Premiere: “I’m Really Nervous To Date 25 People”

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: “Being Broke Sucks And Being Rich Is A Lot Better.”

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Recap: “I Love Angel Dust”

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: “She Loves Muumuus.”

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Premiere Recap: “Thanks, Bitch.”

Real Housewives of Atlanta Premiere: “Lord have mercy.”