Welp, my diet officially starts today. Which meal plan is the one that makes your legs 8 inches longer? Are marshmallows considered carbs?
We open with a montage of the girls backstage, and the only thing that would make it even more straight up 90s would be if someone came out of a dressing room so other girls could give her a THUMBS UP or THUMBS DOWN while she models some type of weird hat.
Behati opens the show and the first theme of the night seems to be a bad mushroom trip I had in college. (How they got ahold of my journals, I’ll never know.)
Kendall Jenner makes her first appearance, which is very exciting even though I feel like I’m going to throw up. Her body is SO GOOD and I’m suddenly extremely aware of all the times I sat on my couch smoking weed while glancing longingly at the resistance bands collecting dust in the corner of the room.
Kris Jenner and her man Corey Gamble are very busy taking footage in goddamn POTATO MODE which is like, the most basic thing you can do at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Turn your phone to the side, guys. It’s 2015. Act like ya been there before.
Meanwhile on what I assume is the complete opposite part of the room, Caitlyn Jenner is sitting next to Logan Huntzberger, so the universe is riiiiight where it needs to be.
Now we’re hearing behind the scenes audio like, “Go! Go! Go!” and “Standby!” from crew members in all black who are sweating profusely as they press walkie talkies to their mouths (I have a very colorful imagination). This audio is TOTALLY NOT MADE UP, movie magic is a myth, what you’re seeing is REAL.
It’s time for The Weeknd to perform and of course goddess Alessandra Ambrosio walks by while he’s singing so I’m pretty sure dude is wishing he had a notebook to hold in front of him right now. (That was an erection joke.)
Kendall comes out for her second outfit and I have to hand it to her bitch is SLAYING IT. Look at the fucking face she is giving right now:
You know who else is crushing it? This girl right here:
Jesus Christ I need to update my wardrobe (“Siri, make a note about buying more fluffy items”).
Meanwhile we’re spending ten thousand hours talking about how to take selfies. This is a long segment, y’all. But Adriana Lima shuts them all down by going, “It’s not that hard” and you know what? She’s right. If you’re me with a wonky eye and a profile that is complete shit, it’s hard. But if THIS IS YOUR FACE:
Selfies cannot be that fucking hard. Like, zero chance. Anyway where the hell is Gigi, right? We’re all thinking it. Finally she shows up and is like hey nerds, this is how you model.
Selena performs and besides some heavy-handed spray tanning and insane colored contacts, she is showing Justin’s big ol’ dick what it’s missing.
Candace aka DAYYYYUM comes out during one of Ellie Goulding’s songs in a sequined number that is giving me so much Britney in Toxic I can’t even handle it. I mean the crown still goes to Brit, but a solid second in the sequined one-piece competition that is held annually in my mind.
It’s finally time for the fantasy bra and I have to say it’s a little meh. Like I get it, shit costs millions of dollars, but it’s never that CUTE, is it? She’s wearing another bra underneath it, so it’s obviously broken.
I will now leave you to rethink everything you’ve ever done in your pathetic, 5’4″ life.
Until next year!
Read my Miss America recap here.